StarWars.com

Well, this was bound to happen eventually: after decades of peace between "Star Wars" and "Doctor Who" nerds, a giant brawl erupted at a British sci-fi convention in Norfolk (yeah, never heard of it either). It isn't clear how tensions were sparked, but one can only assume it was over whose basement apartment is the coolest. Apparently there was no "assault," but you can better believe some harsh words were exchanged about who is better at "Halo."

The BBC report, which is funnier than anything on The Onion today, with the added perk of being real, said that "trouble flared" at the fourth annual Norwich Sci-Fi and Film Convention at the University of East Anglia, which is organized by the Norwich Star Wars Club. Two things are immediately striking: isn't "troubles" how British people politely describe the decades of violent tension with Northern Ireland? Okay. Just checking. Secondly: this was held at a college? As in "the place where the only thing people care about are getting laid?" Were they all beamed into an alternate dimension or something?

Supposedly (and this is really too good to be true) a verbal dispute happened while one of the attendees was trying to get a "Doctor Who" diary autographed by the guy who played Boba Fett. This doesn't even make sense. But at the same time it's pretty easy to see an enraged "Doctor Who" fan saying: "Why do you want that bloke from 'Star Wars' signing your bloody diary?" [English slang added for authenticity and a real sense of time and place]

The rest of the report is filled with lots of sadness, and sentences that include bits like "two other members of his club, one dressed as the 10th doctor and the other as Judge Dredd, had waited outside the venue." Wait — JUDGE DREDD couldn't solve the situation? That's when you know it's bad.

Jim Poole, the treasurer of Norwich Sci-Fi Club and, presumably, someone who has never seen the foreign parts of a human woman, said that the incident was "a bit sad and pathetic." Tell us something we don't know, Jim. While no punches were actually thrown, it's unknown if anyone's mint-in-box Han Solo action figure was bent or damaged.

Lucasfilm Ltd.

Kids these days.

D.J., cue up that cringe-worthy Vitamin C song because it's graduation time again! Right now hundreds of thousands of 22-year-olds are currently being degreed up and sent off into the real world ... job market issues and excessive student loan interest rates notwithstanding, of course.

Thing is, class, this isn't your grandpa's Bachelor of Arts program anymore. Nowadays even the most esteemed colleges are catering their coursework offerings — in title, if nothing else — to pique the interest of their student pools.

Oh, you don't want that fifteenth Psych 101 session to get cut? Well give it some pizzazz already, teach!

Lo and behold, the movie world has been an academic boon in making that happen, and now students are traipsing across the stage with some pretty bizarre classes on their transcripts ... including these nine, very strange film-related ones. Consider us jeal of anyone who actually, like, legitimately for real got credit for these, the lucky little buggers.

9. 'Star Wars': A Complete Saga? — Univ. of N. Carolina, Wilmington

If you want to get real nerdy-derdy about the "Star Wars" film series, then Master Yoda Instructor Mika Elovaara is your man. His Graduate Liberal Studies 592 course investigates the whole "galaxy far, far away" and promises to straight up school you on all-things George Lucas ... and how the six movies are just a fragment of the "Complete Saga" that is the spacey franchise.

8. Science From Superheroes to Global Warming — Univ. of California, Irvine

Before signing up for this course, Professor Michael Dennin asks, "Have you ever wondered if Superman could really fly? What was Spider-Man's spidey sense? How did Wonder Woman's invisible jet work?" U.C. Irvine's Physics 21 course really wants to bridge the gap between the current comic-centric film revolution and what's going on with the more boring stuff in science like, say, global warming. Marvel-ous idea, we must say.

Warner Bros.

7. What if Harry Potter is Real? — Appalachian State Univ.

Oh em gee, can you even imagine? Potterheads among us can only dream of a visit to Hogwarts right now, but what if Platform 9 3/4 was a real thing? And what if witches and wizards really were duking it out in-between our two alternating realities, thusly deciding the fate of the entire muggle world once and for all? App. State's potions and dark arts-themed first-year seminar class draws from the "Harry Potter" series in evaluating issues like race, gender and penning scholarly essays. You know, it'd be a lot easier to crank out that term paper if they went ahead and gave students some of those neat-o magic quills, too.

6. Philosophy and 'Star Trek' — Georgetown

What does it mean to live long and prosper, we wonder? Seriously, in her Philosophy 180 class, Professor Linda Wetzel utilized the "Star Trek" series as way of slinging some knowledge on metaphysics and epistemology. So, basically, a little "I greet therefore I am" action, we're guessing? For three credits at Georgetown University (!!), students explored matters like "Could we go back and kill our grandmothers?" and "Is Data a person?"

5. American Superheroes: Power, Politics and Morality — Tufts University

In another instance making good on the Caped Crusader's relevance, Professor Matthew Pustz (author of "Comic Book Culture: Fanboys and True Believers") dares to explore another aspect of all this rampant "Iron Man" kid-costuming and what not. "What does the new-found popularity of superhero narratives tell us about American society at the beginning of the 21st century?" he wonders in the experimental one-credit course. It's a good question, and if we were up in Boston right about now, we'd be signing up for this bad boy instead of writing about it.

4. Invented Languages: Klingon and Beyond — Univ. of Texas, Austin

But of course there are students who wanna be able to recite sweet nothings to their, uh, Manti T'eo-esque girlfriends in Klingon. And U.T.'s Linguistics 312 class is here to serve ... sort of. While it's not an out-and-out instructional course on the odd "Star Trek" language, it does use the alien tongue as a vessel for exploring the history of Earthly languages.

Universal

3. Biology of 'Jurassic Park' — Hood College

This might be a case of bait-and-switchery, but if it's not, boy are the students of Hood College's Biology 110 section in for a "Jurassic Park"-sized thrill. No, they won't soon find themselves elbow-deep in dino droppings or comparing the velociraptor's little bark to the bedroom noises of tortoises, but they might just learn a little something or other about the sciences and behaviors of the long-dead creatures, much like Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler did on their little island trek. Two questions remain unanswered: Will they try to hatch a raptor egg as the final exam and is there a field trip to Universal Orlando's River Adventure involved?

2. Breaking the Rules: An Intellectual Discussion of 'Fight Club' — Oberlin College

The first rule of "Fight Club" is ... well, you know, and just like the course title suggests, instructor Elizabeth Campbell is totally willing to bend it in order to make use of Chuck Palahniuk's bloody masterpiece. Brought to you by the same school which offers classwork on "The Office" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," this Experimental College 467 business dares to "dissect" the satirical work and, gasp, compare the book to its resulting film.

1. Goldberg's Canon: Makin' Whoopi — Bates College

There's a lot to learn about Whoopi Goldberg and not just the fact that her birth name was Caryn Elaine Johnson (as one might suspect, her stage name comes from, yes, the whoopee cushion). Her life and career can serve to teach lessons on all kinds of things, like winning the coveted "EGOT" and life in communist East Germany. So, Bates College has offered up a rhetoric symposium on all things Whoopi Goldberg, with sessions like "What Part of Whoopi Is You?" and "Lesbian Whoopi and the AIDS Lie."

Lucasfilm Ltd.

"Star Trek: Into Darkness" is probably supposed to be the space-centric subject of the spring since, ya know, the movie is hitting theaters in less than a dozen days and all.  But too bad, so sad: with some of the same people responsible for lifting off the much-fussed-about "Star Wars: Episode VII," it's only natural that inquiring minds are using more than just the Force to draw out some Jedi intel about the pic.

Collider chatted up producer Bryan Burk about the current scoop on Yoda & Co., and according to him things might be ready for launch as soon as the beginning of next year.

"We’re progressing on a schedule to hopefully begin next year, or the beginning of next year, and the location is still kind of floating around in the air all depending on script and a whole bunch of other issues," Burk explained.

"[W]hen we feel like the story level on this script and everything is really coming together and schedules are all working and pieces line up, we [will] prowl ahead."

Buzz has long had it that Disney is eyeing a summer 2015 release for the pic, and director J.J. Abrams is said to be working closely alongside screenwriter Michael Arndt to seal up the screenplay at this very moment — when he's not out pimping "Trek," that is.

On track, it all is (as Master Yoda might put it).

When asked whether all the hype surrounding the announcement of  "Episode VII" served as any sort of surprise, Burk basically did a verbal shoulder shrug to say, "I mean, it’s 'Star Wars.' It’s something that obviously has successfully been handed down from generation to generation in the last 40 years.  If I weren't working on the project, I’d have the same interest as everyone else because it’s something that I, too, am looking forward to seeing where the franchise goes next."

Official prediction: It'll go to a galaxy far, far away. Too easy? Sorry.

Lucasfilms

It's one of the most famous exchanges in the history of cinema: Han Solo and Pricess Leia's heartfelt goodbye in "Star Wars: Episode V — The Empire Strikes Back." Just before Han is frozen in carbonite by the sinister Darth Vader, Leia reveals her love and he simply answers, "I know." So insouciant. So perfect.

And as we now know thanks to SlashFilm, so completely different from what screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan actually wrote.

Yes, thanks to unprecedented access to Kasdan's handwritten first draft of the "Empire Strikes Back" script, fans can now take a look at some of pop culture's most famous moments and try to imagine what they might have been like if alterations — such as Harrison Ford rewriting his lines the day of filming — hadn't been made.

The original dialogue? Instead of just saying "I love you," Leia goes on a mini-speech, adding "I couldn't tell you before, but it's true." To which Han replies (presumably in a perfect Terminator voice) "Just remember that, cause I'll be back."

Yeah, not quite the same, right?

The documents also give a rare look at Kasdan's writing process, which includes notes to himself such as "figure out a speech pattern for Yoda." And he also extensively rewrote the infamous tauntaun sequence, with Han's original line being a simple, " I know this doesn't smell so good, Luke."

Frankly, this is so cool we'd love it if they published the entire first draft so we can see every decision that helped shape the "Star Wars" universe as we know it. But for now, we're more than happy with this brief but awesome look into the mind of a true geek god.

Awesome stuff.

See more at SlashFilm.

Also check out: Awesome "Empire Strikes Back" Set Photos Unearthed

The release date for "Star Trek: Into Darkness" is just around the milky way bend (beam up on May 17, Scotty), but it is not the only interstellar adventure movie director J.J. Abrams has weighing on that epically weird and awesome nerdbrain of his. There's also the small matter of making "Star Wars: Episode VII" happen soon.

In this new video discussion of all-things-far far away with Simon Pegg, who plays Scotty in Abrams' iteration of "Trek," he finally dared to explain why he took on "Star Wars" after initial resistance.

Abrams has said before that the reason he finally agreed to visit the second universe, so to speak, is that he finds the two franchises to be so very different from one another — so it's totally not meta for him to handle both, riiight? — but here he elaborates on how that comes into play with his directorial decision-making.

Evidently, Abrams was a "Star Wars" fan long before signing the dotted line to helm its reboot, but he didn't quite get all that die-hard Trekkie fanfare until he stepped behind the camera on that one.

"I had friends who'd loved it, and I just never ... I tried! I'd sit and watch episodes and try to find my way in, but for some reason, I think because it was more philosophical, debate-driven show, I loved the action of 'Star Wars,' and 'Trek' never really seemed to have that," Abrams explained.

Evidently, that very emotional disassociation helped Abrams pull together a pretty righteous rendition. "Not being a fan ... forced questions about what we were doing. It couldn't just be acceptable because it existed and I loved it 'cause I was a fan," he explained.

Thinking of it that way, Abrams' "Star Wars" fandemonium could create a 'lil trouble for him, yes?

"I think part of the challenge obviously moving forward with anything that you come to sort of pre-loving, it's like that question you know have to kind of force yourself to start over and not assume anyone's going to care or assume anyone's going to be invested," he said of his approach to "Episode VII."

Yeah, um, good luck with that.

• May the 4th Be With You. [Geek News]

• "My Mother the Failure" and 5 other alternate titles for "Home Alone." [Funny or Die]

• The 25 modern Marvel movies — regardless of whatever damn studio they came from — ranked from worst to best. [ScreenCrush]

• So, is "Iron Man Three" the best superhero threequel in history? Better than, you know, "Superman III," even? [The Week]

• You know "Iron Man." But are you acquainted with "Tetsuo: The Iron Man"? [Film.com]

• The Good, the Bad and the Totally Meh at "The Great Gatsby" premiere. [The Frisky]

• Asa Butterfield and Harrison Ford tease the teaser trailer for "Ender's Game." [Hypable]

• Meet the 5 actors who are apparently screen testing for the role of Augustus in "The Fault in Our Stars." [Hollywood Crush]

• Meet the guy who built his home to look like the U.S.S. Enterprise. [FilmDrunk]

• 18 reasons why you totally had a crush on John Bender in "The Breakfast Club." [BuzzFeed]

• The cast of "Can't Hardly Wait": Where are all those hearty partiers now? [BuzzSugar]

• What we talk about when we talk about hating "Garden State." [Vulture]

Really, though, in movies, it's everywhere. And most likely, depending on the director, it's completely intentional. Yes, most of the directors you casually enjoy are actually perverted creep shows. Like Bruce Hornsby once so eloquently put it, that's just the way it is, folks. You had to learn sometime.

Don't believe us? Here are 20 not-so-subtle examples of phallic movie stills that will have you saying to yourself, "Wow, I didn't realize that Jean-Claude Van Damme with a Jheri curl could get any creepier."

'G.I. Joe: Retaliation' (2013)

'Full Metal Jacket' (1987)

'Hard Target' (1993)

'The Expendables' (2010)

'Planet Terror' (2007)

'Bonnie and Clyde' (1967)

'Conan the Barbarian' (1982)

'Machete' (2010)

'Green Lantern' (2011)

'Skyfall' (2012)

'Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope' (1977)

'Jaws' (1975)

'King Kong' (1933)

'TRON: Legacy' (2010)

'The Amazing Spider Man' (2012)

'Tank Girl' (1995)

'A Clockwork Orange' (1971)

'Drive' (2011)

'King Kong' (again)

'Gladiator' (2000)

StarWars.com

Dun dun dun, dun DA dun, dun DA dun! DUN DUN DUN, DUN da DUN, dun DA DUNNN!!!!!

Sorry, but if there was ever a story that deserves some dramatic music, it's this one, as Empire is reporting that J.J. Abrams will indeed be asking the legendary composer John Williams to return to the "Star Wars" universe for "Star Wars: Episode VII."

For those of you who have been living under a rock (or inside the Sarlacc pit, being slowly digested for a thousand years), Williams not only composed the iconic "Star Wars" Theme and the equally iconic Imperial March, he's also been nominated for 48 Oscars over the course of his career. So, you know, he's okay at what he does.

He is also, however, 81 years old. And Abrams has a long history of working very closely with composer Michael Giacchino (Giacchino provided the score for "Star Trek" and Abrams' hit show "LOST," among other projects). So many insiders assumed that when "Star Wars" finally returns to theaters in 2015, it would be Giacchino rather than Williams making beautiful music. But at a recent press conference for "Star Trek Into Darkness," Abrams revealed that it will indeed be Williams supplying the score. Probably.

"For 'Star Wars,' it's very early days," Abrams said, "but I believe that, going forward, John Williams will be doing that film, because he was there long before I was."

And Giacchino thinks that's just swell.

"I'm a huge 'Star Wars' fan," the composer said, "but one of the things that excites me most about it coming back is the chance to hear new John Williams music, not new Michael Giacchino music based on John Williams music. I’m excited to hear what he would do, so however it shakes out, it would be great."

Cue the triumphant music!

LucasFilms

The "Star Wars" franchise is that nerdy little gift that just keeps on giving, one generation after another.

Not only is Disney furiously piecing together "Episode VII" to usher in a third round of installments in a galaxy not so far away, but cool items just keep poppin' on up from the first go-round as well.

Last time we learned something new about "Star Wars: Episode V — The Empire Strikes Back" our minds were totally blown in discovering Yoda's original first name, and today's new landing is just as fascinating.

Behold a starship-load of new behind-the-scenes pictures from "Episode V" featuring a cast which was clearly having fun with their out-of-this-world-successful film franchise.

First of all, it's clear Harrison Ford just looked the other way if and when things got weird with Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher ...

... and Princess Leia is totes a slothy Disney Princess ...

... and she, uh, clearly got around ...

... and most importantly, this was a team effort ...

... with lots of hands on deck ...

... and Harrison Ford was a total bleeping stud.

Journey on to io9 for more.

Lucasfilm

Just when we thought there was not single drop of juice left to squeeze from the "Star Wars" fruit of information, so wrong we were. As it turns out, master Yoda was originally meant to have a relatively wimpy little first name.

Sho'nuff, space cadets.

Those Jedi knights over at Blastr pieced together a boatload of little-known facts about George Lucas' long-lived intergalactic series and at the tippy top of the list is this: Lucas intended Yoda to be a surname, with his first name being ... wait for it ... Minch.

Yeah, Minch Yoda was what that lovable three-fingered Force monger would've been called under Lucas' original "Star Wars" scheme — the interwebs tell us that "Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back" even had him listed as simply Minch in early script drafts — but fortunately, Lucas thought better of it. Paul Lee instead assigned the Minch moniker to another character from Yoda's species, buried deep in the "Star Wars Tales" comic series (in #16, "Heart of Darkness," for those curious).

It's a good thing, too, 'cause could you imagine callin' this rump-kicking, parable-slinging warrior Minch?

Seriously, Minch. Minch Yoda.

No. Just no.

Boggles, the mind does.

• Give a little to the galaxy, would you? [Mental Floss]

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• "Oblivion" is here. And here are 10 things you should know about it. [Moviefone]

• And here are 6 things you didn't know about Tom Cruise. [MTV Movies]

• The 10 best "Last Man on Earth" kinda movies. [The Playlist]

• James Franco turns 35 today! Celebrate with this collection of his many (many) different on-screen faces. [BuzzSugar]

• Kristen Stewart may be out of "Focus," but you can still catch her in these upcoming flicks. [Hollywood Crush]

• Ya know, a "Weird Science" remake isn't necessarily a bad thing. [ScreenCrush]

• They made another trailer for "The Internship," and they forgot to put in jokes again. [FilmDrunk]

• "Game of Thrones" scene-stealer Peter Dinklage mourns the end of hat and scarf weather. [Vulture]

• Here's more proof that Tilda Swinton is actually an alien from outer space. [BuzzFeed]

If Disney is really going to release a new "Star Wars" movie every year, they're going to need ideas ... lots of ideas. Luckily, Patton Oswalt is here to provide enough plot points to fill a dozen movies.

Oswalt recently filmed a guest appearance on NBC's "Parks and Recreation" and was asked by the producers to just go ahead and rant about whatever topics came to mind (which is how most television comedies are "directed" these days). What came to mind was an intricately detailed — and, in many ways, rather brilliant — description of what would make for the perfect "Star Wars: Episode VII." And the new movie can't be limited to just the "Star Wars" galaxy, mind you — the film would have to involve a crossover with "Marvel's The Avengers" and even "Clash of the Titans." Obviously.

J.J. Abrams, Joss Whedon — are you guys listening, or are you just sitting around counting the mountain of cash you sleep on every night and making Shakespeare movies in your back yards with your famous friends? This is brainstorming GOLD, gentlemen!

Watch it. Heed it. Live it.

LucasFilm

Okay, everyone, you can rest easy, because according to Hypable, Disney revealed today the information fans around the world have been desperate to learn from the moment the new "Star Wars" trilogy was announced: "Star Wars: Episode VII" will be hitting theaters in the summer of 2015.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Are you ready for a new "Star Wars" film every single summer?

Well, ready or not, that's exactly what you're going to be getting. Speaking at this year's CinemaCon in Las Vegas, Disney execs announced that not only will "Star Wars: Episode VII" be arriving in theaters in 2015, but the studio plans to release a new "Star Wars" feature film every summer after that, with stand-alone spinoffs filling the gaps between new trilogy installments.

Exactly what those stand-alone films will be about is still being kept hush hush, of course, though speculation continues to center on prequels for Yoda, Han Solo and Bob Fett. But whatever those films turn out to be about, now it appears as though we can expect to see them in 2016, 2018 and 2020, with "Star Wars: Episode VII" in 2015, "Star Wars: Episode VIII" in 2017 and "Star Wars: Episode IX" in 2019.

Or, you know, something like that. Both of the original "Star Wars" trilogies had three-year gaps between installments rather than two-year gaps, and with the kind of intense special effects work needed on these films, it's possible Disney may need to likewise space out the main trilogy more. Which in turn would require more stand-alone spinoffs to fill the gaps.

But whatever the case is, it looks like starting in 2015, every summer is going to be the summer of "Star Wars."

And that sounds pretty darn okay to us.

If you've ever doubted that the Internet is an endless source of unnecessary exercises in stupidity, may we present to you: Things That Sounds Like Chewbacca But Aren't. YouTuber kollektivetLivet has scoured the Interwebs, cobbling together a supercut of sorts that helps us all differentiate things that sound like Chewbacca from things that, well, aren't Chewbacca, as you might have guessed.

Even "Star Wars" aficionados might have trouble telling the difference between Chewie and guys getting tasered. Or guys gurgling water. Or frenetic felines and cantankerous canines or ...what is that, a mechanical toilet or something?

Consider it a PSA of sorts: the more you know about vacuum cleaners, the more you know about Wookiees. You learn something every day!

Ralph Sevelius

These girls don't need a prince to come and save them. They have lightsabers for that.

In these illustrations, artist Ralph Sevelius has transformed some of  Disney's A-Team girls, Ariel, Snow White, and Rapunzel (bet you don't recognize HER at first glance!) into some lightsaber wielding, ass-kicking aristocrats. It's the perfect realization of the dreams we probably concocted in our own childhood imaginations (You mean YOU didn't play Star Wars Disney Princesses and run with sticks at recess? Give me a break!)

For the breakdown of which side the princesses are on, the only world the Little Mermaid wants to be part of is Team Jedi. Forget wanting a pair of legs when you have this pair of blades. Rapunzel seems to be on the good side too with her lightsaber made out of her own luscious golden locks. Sith gets dark with Snow White...she can chop that poison apple up with her red double blade faster than a food processor. Now that's what I call using the force. The Girl Power Force.

Check out a few of our favorites below, and find more at Ralph Sevelius' blog.

Sure, our limbs accomplish a myriad number of essential tasks every day – walking, kicking holding things, pointing, giving people the finger – but the sad truth is that they'll never be able to spray a hail of bullets or eviscerate enemies on their own. For those special battle-ready features, the body requires a few extra enhancements beyond what God gave you. After all, why replace a leg with a dopey wooden peg when a fully-loaded machine gun will do just fine?

In honor of the "Evil Dead" reboot and the franchise's longtime celebration of weaponized extremities, we've compiled a list of nine characters who turned a lost limb or imminent threat into an opportunity to upgrade their bodies into something far more badass than before.

Renaissance Pictures

1. Ash's chainsaw hand from 'Evil Dead II'

It's bad enough when you're fighting legions of demons you unwittingly unleashed from a skin-covered book, but what happens when your own hand becomes possessed and fights against you?  If you're Ash, you get rid of the problem, literally, by promptly hacking off the bedeviled body part. Immediately following his self-amputation, Ash remedies his bloody stump predicament by snapping a fully-functional chainsaw where his hand once existed and iconically christens the end result "Groovy." Audiences emphatically agreed, and after putting his chainsaw hand to good use against the demon armies in "Army of Darkness" a few years later, Ash's brutal new appendage became the envy of handless demon slayers everywhere.

Dimension Films

2. Cherry Darling's machine gun leg from 'Planet Terror'

Exotic dancer and aspiring stand-up comedian Cherry Darling had both of her career opportunites destroyed once her leg was mauled by a horde of zombies. Although initially despondent over her new one-legged existence, her resolute boyfriend El Wray attached a wooden table leg to her fresh stump in order to help her out of the undead-infested hospital where she was recuperating. Although her peg leg accomplished plenty of awesome evil-slaying deeds (including stabbing Quentin Tarantino straight through the brain), she didn't make the most of her missing limb until she upgraded her prosthetic from a piece of wood to a modified M4 Carbine with a M203 grenade launcher attachment. Exactly how she was able to pull the trigger on a leg gun will forever remain a mystery, but it's really hard to care after seeing the magnificence of a horde of zombies falling prey to a machine gun leg-derived hail of bullets and explosions.

SKA Films

3. Bullet-Tooth Tony's bullet tooth from 'Snatch'

Bounty hunter Bullet-Tooth Tony earned his nickname in a pretty awesome, albeit somewhat obvious way: an attempted gunshot to the face by a would-be assassin knocked out Tony’s tooth and lodged itself in his gums, instantly making the already huge and intimidating thug look even more pants-crappingly scary. With a single flash of the shiny bullet in his grin, he instantly demonstrates to any adversary that his grill will literally stop any bullet that comes his way. Also, his tooth-brushing regimen is probably incredibly complicated.

Ambin Entertainment

4. Captain Hook's hook in 'Hook'

Losing a hand in battle to a hungry crocodile can be an experience that would break most men. For Captain Hook, however, it became his defining moment. Not one to admit defeat, Hook turned his tragedy to his advantage by replacing the missing appendage with a enormous shiny hook, an always battle-ready weapon that became his primary instrument of intimidation when confronting his enemies. From loudly creating telltale scratches on walls to stroking the faces of hostages during questioning, Captain Hook's namesake armament instilled fear in Peter Pan and the rest of his adversaries just as much as it helped cut his glove-shopping budget in half.

New Line Cinema

5. Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads in 'Austin Powers in Goldmember'

Just a few moments of watching Shark Week on Animal Planet is enough to paralyze most people in fear. It was for this reason that Austin Powers' nemesis Dr. Evil wanted them in his employ, but he knew that these toothy monsters of the deep still needed a little something extra to make them even more effective killing machines: cranium-mounted laser beams. Yes, why instantly devour a water-logged adversary when you can fry them from a distance as well? It wasn't until the movie series' third installment that he finally got his wish in the form of a gift from Scott. When one of the sharks instantly zaps one of Dr. Evil's underlings in a show of force, it's impressive enough for him to declare Scott "the best evil son an evil dad could ever ask for." Shark Week just got a lot more interesting.

Orion Pictures

6. Big Louie's attachment hand in 'UHF'

Unlike the other characters on this list, this bookie villain from 'Weird Al' Yankovic's cult classic film didn't settle on merely one attachment for the hand he presumably lost in a doomed bet. Rather than implanting a hook, gun or a chainsaw on his stump, he instead opts for a screw-peg in order to attach whatever tickles his fancy. At one point the film, he brandishes a meat cleaver, and at other times utilizes a fake hand that wouldn't be mistaken for the real thing even from a distance. Although these are the only two attachments showcased in the film, it's not hard to believe that they're just part of an entire arsenal of gadgets, gizmos and objects both sharp and blunt that he has at his disposal. After all, why settle for one weapon when there's so many options?

Lucasfilm

7. Anakin Skywalker's cybernetic suit from 'Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith'

Okay, true, this may not be an artificial limb such as a new arm, hand or leg, but that doesn’t erase the fact that Anakin Skywalker's entire cybernetic suit is basically a full-body prosthetic. After lava envelops his entire body during a crucial battle with Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin's burnt husk of a body is rescued by Emperor Palpatine and implanted into multi-purpose black body armor. The suit not only catalyzes Anakin's new persona as Darth Vader but also helps him breathe, as evidenced by the iconic respirator sounds that accompany his intimidating presence everywhere he goes. Any suit that helps transform Hayden Christensen’s whiny Anakin voice into the authoritative, fearsome James Earl Jones voice of Vader is a psychological weapon that deserves an entry on this list.

New Line Cinema

8. The Fembots' explosive assets in the 'Austin Powers' films

Sure, they look like leggy, brainless go-go dancers with hair as big as their chests, but their retro-charm exterior is hiding something far more deadly. Each android houses two barrels full of uncompromising gunfire, all front-loaded right into each Fembot's bust. Their looks, combined with their hidden weaponry, are intended by Dr. Evil to make them the perfect covert assassins to finally finish the job against the perpetually horny Austin Powers. However, their boob-derived bullets never accomplish the task over the course of all three films. Perhaps Dr. Evil needs to look towards the next entry on the list …

Open Road Films

9. Madame Desdemona's machine gun bra in 'Machete Kills'

Granted, this movie hasn't been released yet, but judging solely from the image above, Sofia Vergara's character in the upcoming "Machete" sequel already looks like a considerable upgrade from the Fembots' similarly-placed artillery. Bigger boobs, bigger guns and a faster-rate of fire are instantly distinguishable from the image above, most likely making Madame Desdemona’s rack two unstoppable juggernauts of death when it comes to chest-derived firepower.

Joel and Jared Erickson have made a found footage-style video called "Darth Baby's Lightsaber," in which a toddler playfully wields the weapon of choice for a Jedi Knight. And while it's an incredibly lifelike slice of fiction, we can't help but wish that Darth Baby was, in fact, a real thing. There's so much potential there for his parents! Think about it: a "Star Wars"-themed bedroom, a tiny Darth Vader helmet and the most dangerous birthday party ever!

Joel Erickson has corralled effects and sound credits for movies like "Argo," "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" and "G.I. Joe: Retaliation," so it's no surprise that the short looks so professional. However, expecting parents might want to think twice about bringing "Star Wars" into their kids' life at such an early age ... not because the movie is too daunting for the little ones, per se, but we just wouldn't want to let Junior get his hands on a lightsaber, would we? It's all fun and games until someone's hand gets cut off, as Luke Skywalker knows all too well.

What this so-called "family portrait" does tell us: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher are indeed returning, along with a coterie of young Hollywood stars best known for their previous work on The Disney Channel – including Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and The Jonas Brothers -- playing kin to Luke, Han and Leia.

Purists may scoff at this "Disneyfication" of the "Star Wars" universe, but hey, no one can deny the resemblance those moppy-haired Zack and Cody bear to Luke Skywalker in his formative years.

Big news Monday!

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With "Star Trek Into Darkness" set to hit theaters in less than two months (May 17, y'all), J.J. Abrams has hit the interview circuit to help get word out about his new sci-fi blockbuster. And everywhere he goes, everyone has just one big question: What's the deal with "Star Wars"?

Well, thanks to a new interview with Empire, Abrams is now boldly going where he has never gone before — he's actually answering those "Star Wars" questions. Hey, even Abrams has his breaking point.

Lucky for us.

After all, if Abrams wasn't capable of being worn down, he might never have taken the "Star Wars" gig to begin with. But as he explains, LucasFilm honcho Kathleen Kennedy just kept at him, with a little assist from... Steven Spielberg?

"My knee-jerk reaction was that I'm in the middle of working on the 'Star Trek' movie and I can't even consider it," Abrams said when asked how his involvement with "Star Wars" came about. "But then time went by and I got further along working on the movie and getting to a place where I had done most of the heavy lifting. So when I met with Kathy Kennedy. We just started discussing it and I was able to actually engage in the conversation. I went down to tell Katie, my wife, and I said 'I had just a very interesting conversation with Kathy.' That was the beginning.

"I will say that Steven was very encouraging of 'Star Wars.' It’s funny because I talked to him about it and it turned out he knew all about what was going on."

And Abrams doesn't think there's that big a difference between the two franchises, at least in terms of how he approaches them.

"There are infinitely more questions than answers right now, but to me, they're not that dissimilar. Though I came at these both from very different places, where they both meet is a place of 'Ooh, that’s really exciting.' And even though I was never a 'Star Trek' fan, I felt like there was a version of it that would make me excited, that I would think 'that's cool, that feels right, I actually would want to see that."

"It’s a similar feeling that I have with 'Star Wars,'" he said. "I feel like I can identify a hunger for what I would want to see again and that is an incredibly exciting place to begin a project. The movies, the worlds could not be more different but that feeling that there's something amazing here is the thing that they share."

Amen.

Universal

Sequels are awesome, plain and simple. Returning to familiar characters and worlds we love is like covering yourself with a warm blanket, although when a sequel is bad it can be like a blanket covered in potato bugs and lice. Studios love sequels because seven times out of ten they open huge, no matter how good they are.

With that in mind, here's 50 of your favorite titles all preparing to get new installments. Some of them are deep into pre-production while others have barely gotten out of the pitch stages, but you'll be salivating at the thought of some of these sweet babies finally making their way to the screen.

'Paranormal Activity 5'

Paramount

Attached: Unknown
Status: The law of diminishing returns seems to have caught up to Paramount's annual license to print money, and even though the last "Paranormal" grossed half its predecessor, producer Jason Blum is gonna keep pumping out a new scarifying unit. While Katie Featherston will no doubt make an appearance in possessed form, the true comeback kid is original writer/director Oren Peli, who will craft the script for the first time since "PA1," but only time will tell if he'll come back to direct as well. His follow-up directing effort, "Area 51," has yet to see the light of day, either for blowing the lid off Roswell or (more likely) 'cause it stinks. | Read More
Release Date/Year: October 25, 2013

'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'

Attached: Gary Oldman, Keri Russell, Jason Clarke, Andy Serkis
Status: Director Rupert Wyatt pulled off the hat trick of making "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" a solid hit despite Tim Burton poisoning the well a decade prior. His original vision for the sequel involved "Full Metal Jacket"-style combat between humans and the ape uprising, but this cool-sounding idea didn't gel with Fox brass, who hired "Cloverfield" helmer Matt Reeves to take over. Pre-production is moving along steadily, with a healthy James Franco-less cast crowed by MVP Andy Serkis as the Che Guevara-esque monkey revolutionary Caesar. | Read More
Release Date/Year: May 23, 2014

'Jurassic Park IV'

Attached: Colin Trevorrow
Status: Here's a project with a history. Since the early 2000s a fourth entry in the JP franchise has been in steady development, with an early script by William Monahan and John Sayles that featured (we s**t you not) hyper-intelligent talking dinosaur commandos with guns. Yeah. That idea went to the dirt farm, and recently Mark Protosevich ("Thor") and husband/wife team Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver ("Rise of the Planet of the Apes") produced a concept that clicked with the studio. Manning the production is Trevorrow, whose "Safety Not Guaranteed" showed an assured grasp of sci-fi and comedy. With "Jurassic Park 3D" wetting people's appetites, now all that's left is to reunite the original trio of Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum and we'll be all set for nostalgia overload. | Read More
Release Date/Year: June 13, 2014

'Transformers 4'

Attached: Mark Wahlberg, Jack Reynor
Status: At first he thought he was out, and then they pulled him back in. Michael Bay seemed like he was through with this series after he essentially leveled Chicago in "Dark of the Moon," but clearly he still has feelings for Optimus Prime and company. Sans Shia, the franchise will move forward in a not-quite reboot/not-quite sequel fashion, with Bay's "Pain & Gain" star Wahlberg leading the charge of the Autobots for this go-round. This fourquel will shoot in Detroit, which luckily comes pre-destroyed, and supposedly involves humans building their own Transformers and having to deal with the repercussions of that, ala "The Terminator." YAWN. | Read More
Release Date/Year: June 27, 2014

'Dumb and Dumber To'

Attached: Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels
Status: Peter and Bobby Farrelly haven't hit a home run in a while, and their "Three Stooges" movie was tepidly received at best. Carrey's star seems to be waning these days as well, which is why it makes sense that the old gang get back together to track Harry and Lloyd in their older-but-not-wiser years. Part of the story is rumored to involve one of them having fathered a child in the past, and having to find said child in order to get a much-needed kidney transplant. Unfortunately Daniels' run on "The Newsroom" and Warner Bros. reluctance to give it the green light may keep it from reaching screens despite a finished script. | Read More
Release Date/Year: 2014

'The Expendables 3'

Lionsgate

Attached: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jackie Chan
Status: Sly Stallone's love letter to his generation of bare-knuckled cinematic badassery continues to thrive, hence a third entry appears to be in the cards. Besides nabbing Chan's chop socky for an extended role, Nicolas Cage is also in the running to bring his brand of crazy. Steven Seagal was approached but will not be in the film, and Stallone has stated his script will revolve around younger recruits to the mercenary game. Supposedly Stallone's wishlist also includes Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Wesley Snipes and Sigourney Weaver.| Read More     Release Date/Year: 2014

'Vacation'

Attached: Ed Helms, Christina Applegate
Status: In a series that has already survived three sequels and some direct-to-DVD atrocities, doing a soft reboot in the spirit of the original doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Hot writers John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein ("Horrible Bosses") were brought on to write and later asked by New Line to direct it as well, with "Hangover" star Helms as an all-grown-up Rusty Griswold leading his own clan across country. Fans are hopeful for an Anthony Michael Hall cameo, but with Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo doing "Vacation" Super Bowl commercials as the Griswolds it doesn't seem like a stretch to have them in on it too, perhaps dying en route like poor Aunt Edna. | Read more
Release Date/Year: 2014

'Zoolander 2'

Attached: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Jonah Hill
Status: While Stiller has reprised really really really good-looking model Derek Zoolander on SNL numerous times since 2001, a bona fide sequel has sparked to life in the last few years. A script was written by Justin Theroux ("Tropic Thunder") featuring Derek and Hansel (Wilson) feeling old and irrelevant in Europe. Will Ferrell's villainous Mugatu will have a prominent role if it gets made, but right now Stiller seems to be occupied with his "Walter Mitty" remake. | Read More
Release Date/Year: 2014

'Marvel's The Avengers 2'

Attached: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Samuel L. Jackson
Status: Phase 2 of the Marvel movieverse will begin this summer with "Iron Man 3" and culminate in another nerdgasm team-up likely to surpass the staggering grosses of the first "Avengers." Master of arms Joss Whedon will return to the director's chair and offer quips aplenty, but as for who will enhance the already considerable group dynamic is unclear. Edgar Wright's "Ant-Man" is scheduled for 2015 as well, so that character may be involved, but persistent rumor has mysterioso android The Vision in the frame to do some avenging. With scripting nearly complete, it's only a matter of time before we know if Downey Jr. can be wooed back into the fold for one last go-round as ol' shellhead. | Read More
Release Date/Year: May 1, 2015

'Star Wars: Episode VII'

Attached: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher
Status: Perhaps the most long-awaited sequel in history, and one we were told over and over would never happen, Lucasfilm was sold to Disney late last year to the tune of $4 billion with the promise of strip-mining the "Star Wars" legacy, a key selling point for the studio. Indeed, the plan is to churn out a new trilogy and at least three solo films (literally: one will be about Han Solo) over the course of six years. Considering fans have had decade-long breaks between trilogies, that's a serious feast or famine scenario. Michael Arndt ("Toy Story 3") is scripting this follow-up to "Return of the Jedi" with the aid of OT script vet Lawrence Kasdan, and director J.J. Abrams will boldly go where he's already gone before in that other "Star" franchise. Make no mistake — this is the big one, folks. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Summer 2015

'Pirates of the Caribbean 5'

Disney

Attached: Johnny Depp
Status: Depp has one of the fullest dance cards in Hollywood, but that doesn't mean he's adverse to earning a nine-figure payday, which he's rumored to get up front for his participation in the next installment of Disney's flagship franchise, pun very intended. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" scribe Jeff Nathanson will again bring nothing to the table for a long-running adventure series that sunk its potential long ago.
Release Date/Year: July 2015

'James Bond 24'

Attached: Daniel Craig, Ralph Fiennes, Naomie Harris
Status: With the biggest-grossing Bond ever under his belt, "Skyfall" director Sam Mendes has moved on to greener pastures, leaving a vacated director's seat for some new lucky so-and-so to make their mark. Who could add new life to what has become, at least by "Skyfall," an almost self-reflexively meta-franchise? Not Danny Boyle (ain't interested), not Chris Nolan (busy with "Interstellar"), maybe Ang Lee, perhaps Tom Hooper, but we'd really love to see Martin Campbell come back after crafting the greatest Bond movie ever, "Casino Royale." | Read More
Release Date/Year: Fall 2015

'The Adventures of Tintin: Prisoners of the Sun'

Attached: Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost
Status: We loved the hell out of Steven Spielberg's first "Tintin" flick, which played like the "Indiana Jones" sequel we always wanted. The plan was always to have Spielberg's producing partner (and unofficial co-director) Peter Jackson take the reigns on Part 2, but given the Kiwi's ever-expanding commitments to two (then three) "Hobbit" movies the date for motion capturing keeps getting pushed. Scripting is being done by British TV vet Anthony Horowitz and rumored to be based on Herge's twin stories "The Seven Crystal Balls" and "Prisoners of the Sun," with the inventive Professor Calculus at the center of things and an expanded role for bumbling detectives Thomson and Thompson. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Christmas 2015

'Avatar 2 & 3'

Attached: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver
Status: Yeah, did you know the most successful movie of all time was gonna get a sequel? Huh. James Cameron made enough money off the first one to build his own space fleet but is currently deep into scripting the return to Pandora, which will reportedly explore the oceanographic wonders of the planet as well as neighboring planets in that system. We likely haven't seen the last of the big bad mining corporation or Sigourney Weaver's Grace Augustine. Reportedly each of the two back-to-back sequels will tell a self-contained story free of cliffhangers but will form an overarching trilogy. No story specifics yet, but expect exponentially larger battles and perhaps some cute Na'vi babies. | Read More
Release Date/Year: 2015/2016

'Mission: Impossible 5'

Attached: Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Paula Patton
Status: "Ghost Protocol" was the most successful entry in the series, with the Burj Khalifa-climbing antics taking it to new heights. Christopher McQuarrie has become Cruise's go-to guy in recent years, penning "Valkyrie" and the aborted "Top Gun 2," not to mention directing him in the modestly successful "Jack Reacher." Now Paramount is courting him to write the script for a fifth "M:I" with an eye to direct. Also returning to the fold is J.J. Abrams, who will continue to oversee the series as producer despite commitments to a galaxy far, far away. 

Release Date/Year: 2015

'Finding Nemo 2'

Pixar

Attached: Albert Brooks, Ellen DeGeneres
Status: Soon after Andrew Stanton's "John Carter" face-planted at the box office, the Pixar great went immediately back to his comfort zone with a sure-to-please sequel in order to keep his dark masters at Disney happy. The news was great for Brooks as well, who reportedly signed a very lucrative deal to revive the voice of Marlin, and we suspect another celebrity will be brought in to voice a more grown-up Nemo. This is exactly the kind of get-out-of-jail-free card Stanton needs in the wake of a massive bomb, and his deal stipulates he'll get another shot at live action afterwards. | Read More
Release Date/Year: 2016

'Kung Fu Panda 3'

Attached: Jack Black
Status: With Pixar cashing in on sequel after sequel, it's starting to make rival DreamWorks look a little less mercenary in their creative endeavors. It helps that, under the helpful guidance of Guillermo del Toro, the studio has been having a creative renaissance in recent years, enough to rival Pixar. The last two "Kung Fu Panda" films were dynamite, and this threequel brings director Jennifer Yuh Nelson back to the fold. Most interestingly, this will be the first American animated feature co-produced in China, with roughly one-third of the animation being done over there ... under the watchful eye of Chinese censors, of course. |Read More
Release Date/Year: March 18, 2016

'Ghostbusters III'

Attached: Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis
Status: After "Ghostbusters II" was supposedly an unhappy experience for all involved (including the audience), a third film has remained elusive. Aykroyd wrote a script set in Hell in the mid-'90s with Ben Stiller in mind for the lead, but Bill Murray's lack of interest kept the proton packs uncharged. In recent years Sony has attempted to reignite the project, throwing writers Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg at it to no avail. Recently scribe Etan Cohen, who crafted a not-too-shabby "MIB 3," was brought in to do damage control on the script, although word is Bill Murray will have none of it, despite occasionally suggesting he might. If it does happen, Ivan Reitman would direct again, and the baton would be passed to a new generation of spirit chasers a la Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, et al. | Read more
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Army of Darkness 2'

Attached: Sam Raimi
Status: A fourth "Evil Dead" always seemed destined for the land of "never gonna happen," and it turns out that feeling was correct. An "Evil Dead 4" isn't going to happen … it's going to be called "Army of Darkness 2!" The 1992 cult classic brought a new level of silly to the Deadite universe, with Bruce Campbell's Ash giving us plenty of sugar while fighting off the medieval dead. Recently Raimi confirmed that he and brother Ted Raimi have begun writing a preliminary script, and with the announcement that Sam is stepping away from the "Oz" property it could very well wind up being his next picture. Perhaps fans need only read the words of the Necronomicon in order to summon it … | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Bill and Ted 3'

Attached: Keanu Reeves, Alex Winter
Status: It's one thing when fans berate filmmakers into begrudgingly making a sequel, but it's a whole other joy to see the actors and creators themselves take the initiative to will a sequel to life. That's what seems to be happening with "Bill and Ted," as Reeves and Winter have been beating the drum to make it happen for several years. The writers of "Excellent Adventure" and "Bogus Journey," Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon, have written the script and Dean Parisot ("Galaxy Quest") is on board to direct. The story has the now middle-aged duo still trying to write a song to change the world and will see them hop back in the phone booth traveling to the Stone Age. Respectfully, the late George Carlin's Rufus will not be recast.                                                                                                                                                                                                 Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Chronicle 2'

Fox

Attached: Unknown
Status: The idea of a found footage superhero movie turned out to be a highly lucrative one, hence FOX commissioned original writer Max Landis to pen a sequel. Unfortunately, Max's papa John Landis let it slip that FOX wasn't keen on the new evolution Max wanted to take the story in. He has stated that, in an interesting twist, the actual found footage content of the first movie will play a significant role in the second, possibly involving people using the film to look for clues about the mysterious meteor or to track the whereabouts of lone survivor Matt Garetty (Alex Russell). | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2'

Attached: Robert Zemeckis
Status: Here's another one that's been a long time coming, originally discussed as a prequel called "Roger Rabbit: The Toon Platoon" until Spielberg became antsy about satirizing Nazis. Disney changed it into a "Star is Born"-type story about Roger's ascent in show business, but a really crappy CGI test and ballooning budget forced them to cancel the project altogether. Director Robert Zemeckis recently tried to revive it as a direct sequel with original writers Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman, although Bob Hoskins' retirement from acting threw another banana peel under the film. P-P-P-P-P-PLEASE!

Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Beetlejuice 2'

Attached: Tim Burton
Status: In development since the early '90s when it was originally titled "Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian," the sequel has been dead and buried in development hell for ages until screenwriter Seth Grahame-Smith was brought in to resurrect the ghost with the most. Michael Keaton and Winona Ryder both seem game to reprise their roles as Beetlejuice and goth chick Lydia, although neither Geena Davis nor Alec Baldwin have been confirmed to continue their haunting as the Maitlands. Supposedly the story will be set in the present, over 25 years after the original took place.
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'The Legend of Conan'

Attached: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Status: Arnold starred in two outings as the willful Cimmerian warrior, where he taught us what is best in life ... but what about what is best in death? In the early '00s original director John Milius (with the help of the Wachowski Brothers) wanted to capture the later period of Robert E. Howard's Barbarian when he was "destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow." The resulting script, "King Conan: Crown of Iron," was scuttled after Ahnuld went off to governate California, but now that he's back in the movie game he wants to cap his career with a last hurrah as Conan. Paul Verhoeven of "Total Recall" has expressed an interest in making it, but a director will not be chosen until after writer/producer Chris Morgan ("Fast Five") completes his draft. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Untitled Pee-wee Herman Project'

Attached: Paul Reubens
Status: Back in the '90s Reubens was desperate to escape his Pee-wee persona, but over the last few years he's been more than happy to clip on the bow tie and get back to his most iconic character. Although several scripts were written, including one set in The Playhouse aimed at kids and another one aimed at adults, it took comedy powerhouse Judd Apatow to get Reubens back to "Big Adventure" basics: a road movie. Paul Rust, a.k.a. the dude from "I Love You Beth Cooper," is penning the script with Reubens and filming is expected to happen imminently. An ideal director would be someone like Michel Gondry, who has been approached in the past.

Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Prometheus 2'

Fox

Attached: Michael Fassbender, Noomi Rapace
Status: Okay, so "Prometheus" was not the be-all, end-all of "Alien" prequels, and there's some pretty dumb stuff in it, like that scientist who just LOVES the penis snake vagina worm thing that winds up eating his face. It also was STUNNINGLY gorgeous to look at in 3-D and had the showstopping C-section scene. In other words it was a mixed bag, but a mixed bag that made money, so FOX and Ridley Scott are pursuing a sequel that will take Dr. Shaw (Rapace) and the head of android David (Fassbender) to "Paradise," the mere name of which sounds frightening as all get-out. Thankfully, writer Damon Lindelof, responsible for much of the lamer stuff in the first one, will not be back. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Smiley's People'

Attached: Gary Oldman
Status: Tomas Alfredson's "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" was a brilliant character study of how a life of espionage is really no life at all. Oldman completely disappeared into the part of the cunning, taciturn British intelligence officer George Smiley, earning some of the best accolades of his career, so it's no wonder there was immediate talk of following it up with John le Carre's sequel novel "Smiley's People." Alfredson and screenwriter Peter Straughan are expected to be back, as is most of the stellar cast that didn't bite the dust in the first one.
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Oz the Great and Powerful 2'

Attached: James Franco, Mila Kunis
Status: Sam Raimi's trippy trip into L. Frank Baum territory has become this year's first smash hit, with Disney already starting development on a sequel. Writer Mitchel Kapner is already figuring out what to do next with Franco's huckster wizard, with dozens of books by Baum and others to pilfer from. Unfortunately Raimi, who balanced the tongue-in-cheek spectacle so expertly, will not be back. | Read More 

Release Date/Year: Unknown

'21 Jump Street 2'

Attached: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum
Status: Hill and Tatum's surprising chemistry led to "21 Jump Street" being 2012's first tried-and-true sleeper hit. Luckily this irreverent take on the old FOX TV show about high school narcs left things open for an obvious sequel where the boys do some damage in college. Unfortunately, Johnny Depp probably won't return for another cameo, seeing as how his Tom Hanson hilariously ate a bullet. Hill confirmed that he and original screenwriter Michael Bacall were writing it last summer, but directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller have yet to commit. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Indiana Jones 5'

Attached: Harrison Ford
Status: Steven Spielberg and George Lucas really s**t the bed on that last one, but they want to make it up to us. Strangely, another punch to the gut doesn't sound like proper recompense, but George Lucas seems determined to make it happen. Last time he spoke of it Lucas mentioned that they were still in the process of looking for a good maguffin for Indy to go after, and that even though he was retired from making blockbusters he might make an exception for "Indy 5." Thing is, Disney now technically owns the property, and have stated that "Star Wars," not Indy, is their big priority.
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She-Vampires'

Fox

Attached: Ron Perlman, Paul Giamatti
Status: "Bubba Ho-Tep" has slowly become of the last decade's most prominent cult titles, and Don Coscarelli's joke title at the end credits has slowly been inching towards reality … but not without some serious snags. First, original star Bruce Campbell dropped out for ambiguous "creative differences." Then, when Ron Perlman took over the role of Elvis the funding dried up, despite a very enthusiastic Paul Giamatti keen to play Colonel Parker. Hopefully The King can get back on his feet and kill him some vampires.

Release Date/Year: Unknown

'TRON 3'

Attached: Olivia Wilde, Cillian Murphy, Garrett Hedlund
Status: Yes, "TRON: Legacy" didn't exactly set the world on fire, but it did okay enough that Disney is seriously considering going back to finally get one of these damn "TRON" movies right. Joseph Kosinski has "Oblivion" on the way, and we imagine the success or failure of that Tom Cruise vehicle will have a big hand in whether or not the helmer will return to the gaming grid for more light cycle chases and Bruce Boxleitner cameos. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Hot Tub Time Machine 2'

Attached: Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke
Status: What many people were figuring would be the next "Hangover"-size comedy smash became just a moderate hit at the box office but made enough of a profit on DVD for MGM to consider greenlighting a sequel. Thing is, John Cusack apparently wants nothing to do with it, or they want nothing to do with him. Something like that. Steve Pink will again direct a script by himself and Corddry … now all they need is a big star from the '80s to anchor it all. Paging Matthew Broderick? | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Independence Day 2 & 3'

Attached: Will Smith, Bill Pullman
Status: You'd have thought that a sequel to one of the biggest sci-fi hits in history would be a no-brainer, but somehow Will Smith and director Roland Emmerich just lost track of the time, and now here we are 17 years later and still nothing to show for it. Smith's full dance card has been the big issue, as well as his asking price of $50 million for the two films — tentatively titled "Independence Day Forever" — but producer/writer Dean Devlin may also be developing a version without Smith. Somehow betting the farm on Bill Pullman coming back doesn't seem the best strategy. Some have surmised that Smith's character may now be the President in the timeline of the film, which would be an interesting switch.
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Super Troopers 2'

Attached: Broken Lizard, Brian Cox
Status: Who wants a mustache ride? One of the early '00s' brightest indie comedies had many pegging comedy troupe Broken Lizard as the second coming of Monty Python, but duds like "Club Dread" and "The Slammin' Salmon" kept that from actually happening. Jay Chandrasekhar and the rest of the gang hope to jumpstart things with a sequel, which finds the boys getting into trouble while patrolling the Canadian border.

Release Date/Year: Unknown

'The Girl Who Played With Fire'

Sony

Attached: Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara
Status: David Fincher barely left his stamp on 2011's "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" remake, and if you've seen the Noomi Rapace original you know there's not much different except the ending and the amount of money they blew. Contract negotiations with Daniel Craig have apparently soured to the point where Sony has discussed with writer Steven Zaillian the possibility of making it without his Mikael Blomkvist character. It also seems that interest in Stieg Larsson's books has waned, but Fincher remains somewhat committed, exclaiming that "We've got to make it our own thing." | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Venom'

Attached: Josh Trank
Status: Although this would be less of a sequel to "Spider-Man 3," where Venom slithered into his first big screen iteration, it may not be entirely a reboot either. "Hunger Games" director Gary Ross was originally signed to direct a script by Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese but has since been nudged out/replaced by "Chronicle" helmer Josh Trank, who will have to wait until his duties on the "Fantastic Four" reboot have been fulfilled. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Bridget Jones's Baby'

Attached: Renée Zellweger, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant
Status: Hot "Bridesmaids" director Paul Feig was originally brought in to revive the nearly decade-absent Bridget but ultimately decided that a Brit would do greater justice to Helen Fielding's romantically flustered heroine. Peter Cattaneo, who made "The Full Monty," was brought in, but so far the greenlight from Universal has been less than forthcoming. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Triplets'

Attached: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito, Eddie Murphy
Status: So here's the deal: The first time Arnold had a short brother; now he has a black one. Hilarity! Eddie Murphy has been put forward as the likely co-star for this over-25-years-later follow-up on Julius and Vincent where they discover yet another genetically mismatched sibling. Ryan Dixon and Josh Gad will script, the latter presumably writing in his trailer between setups on sitcom "1600 Penn." | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Clerks III'

Attached: Kevin Smith
Status: After threatening us with a book or a possible Broadway musical, wake-n'-baker Smith finally put his nose to the grindstone and began typing away on a modestly-awaited third installment on March 8 of this year. The publicity-happy Twitterer even posted a photo of the cover of the first draft. "I jumped out of bed at 4:20 this morning and started writing CLERKS III," he wrote. "It's been like hanging out with old friends. And after 2 hours of tapping the keys and giggling, I have come to a conclusion ... CLERKS III will be the best film I'll ever make." Well aren't we pleased with ourselves? | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Snow White and the Huntsman 2'

Universal

Attached: Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth
Status: Trampire antics aside, the first "Snow White" was a solid four-quadrant hit for Universal, who's aching for a franchise that doesn't involve Vin Diesel and cars. In a bit of posturing swagger the studio hired big gun writer David Koepp ("Jurassic Park," "Spider-Man") to begin drafting a sequel before the first came out, but there was always question about whether or not Stewart would headline again. With her return now confirmed, its clear Universal knows where their bread is buttered and left cheatin' director Rupert Sanders with only his divorce to occupy him. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Blade Runner 2'

Attached: Ridley Scott, Hampton Fancher
Status: Dear sweet lord, please don't let this actually happen. "Prometheus" proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that, while still a visual master, story-wise the 75-year-old Ridley Scott is completely off his rocker. More than any other film on this list, "Blade Runner" has the most geek cache ... and would also be the most harmed by a sequel, good or bad. Let's hope that this is nothing more than Scott's make-work project for original screenwriter Fancher. Harrison Ford has been mooted as a possibility to return as either Rick Deckard or another, older Replicant.

Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Bad Santa 2'

Attached: Billy Bob Thornton
Status: Terry Zwigoff's misanthropic 2003 comedy was a surprise smash that never needed a follow-up, and given Billy Bob's spotty track record since then we're not itching to see a cheap, potentially direct-to-DVD cash grab. In a move that shows just how artistically inclined they are, Dimension Films hired two writers (Johnny Rosenthal and John Phillips) to draft competing scripts, with the winner going into production. Classy. Thornton keeps saying this is a go-project, but we'll ask Santa to put a stop to it if he can. We've been really good, honest. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Terminator 5'

Attached: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Status: We don't know if the mercenary strip-mining of this franchise will continue unabated, but there is definitely interest in making another one of these, even after the last "Terminator" proved to be anything but a "Salvation." What we do know is that John Connor has become the Rusty Griswald (i.e. played by a different actor each time) of the series, so expect Ashton Kutcher or someone of his ilk to step into Christian Bale's shoes. The screenplay is being penned by James Cameron's right-hand lady Laeta Kalogridis along with "Drive Angry" helmer Patrick Lussier, and the Governator seems prepared to come back in some capacity, most likely in a home for retired T-800s. | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'The Lost Symbol'

Attached: Tom Hanks
Status: Hopefully visionary helmer Mark Romanek ("Never Let Me Go") can inject some much-needed pizazz into what has become a lurching, fatigued series under Ron Howard's guidance. The original "Da Vinci Code" got by on the popularity of the book, but by "Angels and Demons" people had gotten tired of Catholic conspiracies and Hanks' weird hairdo, hence it only made about half the original's haul. If Hanks can get away from his Broadway turn in "Lucky Guy" long enough to reprise Robert Langdon once again, it could pave the way for Dan Brown's forth book "Inferno" as well.|Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Sherlock Holmes 3'

Warner Bros.

Attached: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law
Status: Downey's trusty "Iron Man 3" writer Drew Pearce is on the case, but director Guy Ritchie could return only after he takes on the TV adaptation "The Man From U.N.C.L.E." (possibly starring Tom Cruise). With arch-villain Moriarty vanquished at Reichenbach Falls in "Game of Shadows" there's really no big baddie left to fight … except Holmes' addiction to cocaine.                                                   Release Date/Year: Unknown

'The Thomas Crown Affair 2'

Attached: Pierce Brosnan
Status: While the 1999 "Thomas Crown" was a straight-up remake, the sequel aims to remake another classic '60s caper flick, "Topkapi," and at one time was known as "The Topkapi Affair." This double remake attached mad Dutchman Paul Verhoeven ("Robocop," "Basic Instinct," "Showgirls") as the new director, likely to enhance the glitzy middle-aged sensuality quotient. Now with Verhoeven out of the picture and original helmer John McTiernan facing a jail sentence, it's gonna take some new blood and a helluva lot more star power than the former Bond to bring this project back to life.
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Horrible Bosses 2'

Attached: Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis, Jamie Foxx
Status: The zany comedy about three schmucky guys getting back at their bosses played like "Nine to Five" with dudes and did boffo business. The tricksy trio are gonna be back to even more scores with perhaps even higher-grade celeb bosses than last time. Seth Gordon will return to direct and John Francis Daley and Jonathan M. Goldstein will again write, but at what point do these guys stop being oppressed workers and start being just straight-up bullies? | Read More
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'Austin Powers 4'

Attached: Mike Myers
Status: This one scares us a lot. Granted, just about any time the number "4" is next to a title we start to worry, but considering the shagadelic British spy became annoying somewhere around the middle of the first movie, we're not looking forward to it. Mike Myers running the spy spoof ever further into the ground might be his only option after "The Love Guru," but we'd much rather see Wayne and Garth in their 50s. Thankfully this is still only a germ of an idea being noodled with/pitched in Myers' head.
Release Date/Year: Unknown

'xXx: The Return of Xander Cage'

Attached: Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson
Status: An attempt was made to supplant Vin Diesel's extreme sports spy Xander Cage with a doughy Ice Cube for the first sequel "State of the Union," but the idea of a new xXx for each installment went the way of the dodo when it tanked. Well if it ain't broke don't fix it, so the plan is to bring back Diesel and original helmer Rob Cohen, with recent masterminds of the "Terminator" franchise John Brancato and Michael Ferris providing the screenplay … that is, if anybody still cares.
Release Date/Year: Unknown

Now that Lucasfilm and Disney have joined forces, it was only a matter of time before Darth Vader made the rounds, scoping out the Disney parks that are, despite his best interests, the happiest places on in the galaxy. But you can't help but feel bad for the guy as he tries to make his way to Star Tours at Tokyo Disneyland. The poor guy -- and a couple of paratroopers -- seemingly get lost in translation, making their way across the Japanese landscape to experience the rich culture of the far east, all while on the hunt for a certain pair of mouse ears.

That's not to say that anything gets lost on them along the way, since they get to hit up markets, beaches, fabric stores, gardens, and there's even time for a tanning break. Not bad for one of the most evil villains in move history, eh?

Here's hoping he's got George Lucas on speed dial, and the guy can give directions in Japanese. (Who are we kidding? Of course he can, he's George Lucas!)

Have you ever seen one of those commercials for genealogy web sites and said to yourself, "Man, I really need to get on that"? Well, chances are you never will, but luckily artist Joe Stone has got you covered if you were interested in visually piecing together all the interrelationships between the characters in Star Wars. Yup, dude's got it all taken care of.

Categorizing the relationships by "Offspring," "Romance," "Significant Battle," "Apprentice/Master," "Friendship," or "Other," Stone meticulously details just what goes on between your favorite (and, sure, forgotten) characters, including Amidala, C3-PO, and — oh yes — Jar Jar Binks.

Stone writes on his web site, "Limiting the characters purely to the film and canonical TV series'...I went about creating a minimalist icon for each major character before laying them out with lines highlighting their various relationships to one another, whether that be romance, a significant battle or otherwise." Lucky for you, too, he includes downloadable iPhone wallpaper, too, just because you're not quite single enough.

The problem is everyone is being so damn coy about it, and now Harrison Ford has joined in the fun of casting announcement blue balls during a charity red carpet interview with Chicago's WGN (via CinemaBlend), where he expressed palpable optimism that Han Solo will back the Millennium Falcon out of the garage once more.

"I think it's almost true," Ford said cautiously. "I'm looking forward to it. It's not in the bag yet, but I think it'll happen, and I'm delighted."

He's following in the cautious footsteps of George Lucas, who recently told a publication that Disney was "pretty much in final stages of negotiation" with Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher. Even the $4-billion richer "Star Wars" creator has to be careful not to step on Mickey Mouse's toes. There was also that thing where Carrie Fisher said it was a done deal, but considering her propensity for sarcasm (and that whole bipolar drama) she might not be the most reliable source.

All in all this is pretty great news, especially when you consider Ford's ambivalent history with Han, as recently as 2010 stating, "As a character, he was not so interesting to me." We can think of several dead presidents that made it more interesting for the 70-year-old performer, who could probably use another Huey Helicopter or something.

As a wise man once said, "I ain't in this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money."

We all remember how we learned about bills becoming laws or what a conjunction is. Not by paying attention in class of course. But thanks to Schoolhouse Rock!

But what happens when Schoolhouse Rock gets combined with Star Wars? We get "Star Wars Rock," an awesome video by YouTube user OneMinuteGalactica that teaches us about adjectives. It has all the catchiness of a Schoolhouse tune minus the annoying animations, plus Luke Skywalker, Yoda, R2-D2, and all your other Star Wars  favorites. And you thought learning couldn't be fun.

In "Episode II, Revenge of the Adjectives," we cover how to describe people, places, and things in a galaxy far, far away. The groovy jingle from Schoolhouse Rock goes perfectly with clips from Star Wars. What could be a more accurate description of the terrifying Wampa from "The Empire Strikes Back" than as a big, ugly bear? Disclaimer: Not sure if Schoolhouse Rock had words like blue-uppy, moonish, and spacestationy in mind when teaching kids about grammar, but, hey, you work with what you've got!

"One of the things that Teller and I are obsessed with, one of the reasons that we're in magic, is the difference between fantasy and reality." — Penn Jillette

Greetings from the apocalypse! We managed to hold off the Antichrist by electing a pope from South America who looks just like Jonathan Pryce. That's pretty good work. I say Rome, the Americas and all the rest of us deserve an honest weekend off, and what more auspicious time to do that than a Catholic drinking holiday?

Friday, March 15

We're gonna kick things off at the appropriate time to christen any weekend: 4:20 p.m., since that's when "Curly Sue" is on Encore. I know what you're thinking, "Man, that's, like, John Hughes' worst movie," and you're not wrong, but this ersatz comedy about a father-daughter con artist team who sleaze their way into some rich folks' hearts has a little surprise in store when you're watching and you're all like, "Duuuuuuude, is that Steve Carell?" Yes, that is indeed "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" himself in a silent-but-hilarious cameo as waiter Tesio, and it seems more than fair to suffer through the surrounding 100 minutes of smirking torture to get to … oh hell, I'll just embed it and save you the trouble.

Seemed like as good a time as any to trot that out, since Carell is conjuring more comedy this week as "The Incredible Burt Wonderstone" appears from a cloud of smoke into theaters. With all the makings of some very broad comedy, Carell and Steve Buscemi play Siegfried & Roy-esque stage magicians who have to jazz up their dated act in order to compete with a flashy David Blaine-type played by Jim Carrey. It sorta looks like if the Farrelly Brothers made "The Prestige," and it's cool to see Carell playing a bronzed showbiz phony as opposed to his usual nice guy imbecile thing. You can satiate your Steve Carell jones further with the help of The Nerdist Podcast, where this week Chris Hardwick talks to the star about the joys of improv and how awesome "Anchorman 2" is going to be.

After all that Carell-y goodness, I'm gonna prowl the mean streets of Brooklyn in the direction of Bottleneck Gallery, where from 7-10 p.m. they're hosting the opening reception of "The Popular Face of New York." This pop culture-tinged exhibit is their first show focused exclusively on one artist: world-renowned illustrator Raid71, a.k.a. Chris Thornley, whose rock-solid imagery pulses with cool. Woody Allen, "Midnight Cowboy" and Godzilla are just a few of NYC's legendary cinematic inhabitants immortalized in print form, any of which you can purchase to hang alongside your many eviction notices.

Saturday, March 16

Studio Ghibli

This week we're filling up all corners of our "Survivor of Thunderdome" Bento box with the latest nourishing animated meal from Studio Ghibli, "From Up On Poppy Hill." With a screenplay by legendary Hayao Miyazaki ("Spirited Away," "Princess Mononoke") and lovingly directed by his son Gorō Miyazaki, it tells the tale of a 16-year-old girl in Yokohama, Japan named Umi who falls in love with a boy named Shun who may or may not be related to her by blood. The '60s period atmosphere is recreated in immaculate detail in what is a decidedly less fantastical entry from the studio, though just as emotionally powerful.

To catch an early glimpse at Hayao Miyazaki as he evolved into the Japanese Walt Disney, then look no further than his feature directorial debut "The Castle Of Cagliostro" (1979) on Hulu fo free, yo. Rumor has it that when Steven Spielberg caught this flick at the 1979 Cannes Film Festival (the first anime ever screened there), he flipped for it, calling it "one of the greatest adventure movies of all time." It's gentleman thief hero, Lupin III, is a forerunner of Indiana Jones, so go figure.

If it's more castles and quests ye be needin', then why not splurge on the new 25th Anniversary Blu-ray of George Lucas and Ron Howard's fantasy also-ran "Willow," ya dig? More than a decade before Peter Jackson made New Zealand synonymous with Hobbits, Lucas crafted his own little-people quest movie using the country's lush landscapes, albeit one that owes a whopping debt to Tolkien. Until "Game of Thrones" comes back in two weeks, Warwick Davis temporarily replaces Peter Dinklage as our favorite small guy hero, working his magic alongside a pre-potbelly Val Kilmer in swashbuckling scoundrel mode. There's early morphing technology on display, tiny male fairies, a baby and a two-headed dragon named after Siskel & Ebert (I s**t you not, it's called an Ebersisk), which makes this a succès d'estime of the highest magnitude … whatever that means.

Star Wars Corner:
Speaking of George Lucas properties, some of the original trilogy crew will be out in full Force (get it?) for the annual MegaCon in Orlando, Florida from Friday through Sunday. Some of the vets from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away include Jeremy Bulloch (the guy inside the Boba Fett costume), David Prowse (the guy inside the Darth Vader costume) and a giant Rancor carved out of Styrofoam. If you're a competitive Trekkie type, apparently the ENTIRE "Next Generation" cast will be there as well, including some guy named Patrick Stewart who's been in some movies like "Conspiracy Theory." Also, "L.A. Story."

Sunday, March 17

Funny about paying 80 bucks to meet Patrick Stewart yesterday, because today is Saint Patrick's Day, which means whiskey, whiskey and more whiskey as we wallow on our living room couch in a puddle of bad cinema and green vomit. We already had "Willow" to tide us over for the main course from Warwick Davis' filmography: SyFy is running "Leprechaun" and "Leprechaun 2" on an endless loop from 11 a.m. until 3 a.m. There damn well better be a pot o' gold at the end of that schlocky 16-hour rainbow.

Warner Bros.

Today 'tis all 'bout the wearin' of the green, and I can't think of anybody greener than Ryan Reynolds in the appalling "Green Lantern" on Cinemax at 8 p.m. Come for the cheesy, sub-"Phantom Menace" effects, stay for Peter Sarsgaard's freakishly over-the-top bad guy with gigantism. It's a blockbuster so generic you'd think it was made for TV in 1987, and you'll be in absolute awe when you see the thousands of races among the Green Lantern Corps stand at attention during their darkest hour and do … absolutely nothing but stand there. F**k this movie, but it has green in it, so no one will pinch you.

Even more than getting drunk, wearing green and greedy midgets, St. Patrick's Day is also about remembering the 20th century political strife in Northern Ireland via a thriller about an IRA terrorist falling in love with a pre-op transsexual. "The Crying Game" is on Netflix Instant, and if you didn't know the big twist of this 1992 hit by now then you can shove yer complainin' straight up yer arseholes. It's the 20th-ish anniversary, for crying out loud! For the record, I never thought Jaye Davidson's seductive chanteuse Dil was a convincing woman for even one second, but that didn't make the penis reveal any less shocking/dangly. Forest Whitaker has an awesome British accent, and the great Jim Broadbent is the perfect embodiment of every wise noir bartender character rolled into one surly package.

Annnnnnnd finally, no Saint Patty's would be complete without a little good-natured fisticuffs, and by the luck of the Irish "The Quiet Man" (1952) will be on TCM at 9:30 p.m. The film stars John Wayne as an American ex-pat who goes to claim his birthright family farm in the rolling green hills of Innisfree, Ireland, and winds up conquering the rolling hills of Maureen O'Hara as well. Probably best known to this generation as a memorable clip shown in "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial," this is western director John Ford at his most jaunty and romantic, climaxing with The Duke and Victor McLaglen engaged in the silver screen's most epic brawl … until John Carpenter's "They Live."

As I ride off into the distant horizon, here's wishing you fellow weekend road warriors the best outing possible from this burnt-out, blighted wasteland. Enjoy your fast Internet, clean-ish movie theaters, plentiful gasoline and all the comforts of home, for this world lives now only in my memories …

You can follow renegade movie journo and filmmaker Max Evry on Twitter, and check out his bitchin' DeviantArt gallery while you're at it.

You know what movie we haven't thought about in a while? "Little Miss Sunshine," the indie darling-turned-commercial fave that made us fall in love with Abigail Breslin and see Steve Carell go semi-dark. Nevertheless, that film's poster remains a remarkably memorable one, replete with a simple sans serif font laid against a mustard background and a zany action sequence in the bottom third.

Blogger Cap'n Carrot has given the poster a retro spin, trading out Breslin, Carell, Colette, Kinnear, and Arkin for Skywalker, Leil, Han Solo, and friends. Yup, it's a "Star Wars" version of the "Little Miss Sunshine" poster, or, as we prefer to now call it, "Little Miss Star Wars."

The real question here, though: which one's in the pageant? Our money's on C3PO.

Behold some of the most elaborate and large-scale movie-themed fan art you'll ever see, most of it created under cover of night with a few spray cans and a seething desire to create ... or at least conjure stunning portraits of Neo, Freddy Krueger, Yoda, the Dude and other pop culture icons that shape our everyday lives. If only all walls were this cool.

[World of Superheroes]

[Twicsy]

[Wikimedia]

[FlickRiver]

[London Vandal]

[Xanga]

[Shapeless Mass]

[DeviantArt]

[Graffiti Trend]

[FlickRiver]

[FlickRiver]

[Cafe 77]

[Gnasher]

[Zagreb Daily Photo]

[StreetFiles]

[GraffKids]

[The Berry]

[Albatos]

[Flickr]

[Neam Graffiti]

[The Chive]

[How to Geek]

[Farm5]

[Design You Trust]

[Flickr]

Disney

Ever since Disney acquired the rights to "Star Wars" in what is surely the last sign of the coming apocalypse, rumors have been flying that the cast of the original trilogy — namely Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford — will all be returning for "Star Wars: Episode VII." Heck, sometimes those rumors even come from the stars themselves, like Fisher's supposed "joke" yesterday about returning as Leia. It's hard to even figure out what's real and what's not at this point, right?

Well, if anybody would know the truth, you'd think it would be George Lucas — and in a new interview with Bloomberg Businessweek of all places, Lucas has just confirmed that all three stars will indeed be returning.

Maybe.

"We had already signed Mark and Carrie and Harrison — or we were pretty much in final stages of negotiation," Lucas said when asked whether Hamill, Ford and Fisher would be returning in "Star Wars: Episode VII." Lucas, you see, had been in talks with the trio to reprise their roles as far back as last summer, well before the deal with Disney. So once he sold the property to Disney, Lucas said "I called them to say, 'Look, this is what’s going on.'"

"Maybe I’m not supposed to say that," Lucas said. "I think they want to announce that with some big whoop-de-do, but we were negotiating with them. I won’t say whether the negotiations were successful or not."

So there you have it, everyone: According to George Lucas, Hamill, Ford and Fisher may or may not have been signed, may or may not be currently signed and may or may not be signed at some point in the future.

Whatever. Seriously, Disney, just announce it officially already! The whole internet will thank you.

Lucasfilm

UPDATED 3/7/2013: The erstwhile Leia has a new party line: Just kidding! CNN got a hold of one of Carrie Fisher's reps, who, presumably to the sound of lightsaber-wielding nerds' hearts around the world breaking, said that she was joking.

"She was joking," the rep said. "Nothing has been announced."

Or, as our resident reading-between-the-lines specialists here at NextMovie would say, nothing has been announced...yet.

---

PREVIOUSLY: It would appear that a certain "Star Wars" alum is preparing for a triumphant return to a galaxy far, far away.

Carrie Fisher more or less confirmed that she'll be reprising her role of Princess Leia Organa (now Leia Solo, we would assume) in at least some future "Star Wars" film in a recent interview with Palm Beach Illustrated.

Fisher wasn't coy at all when asked about her involvement in the new series, coming across as the exact opposite of the highly secretive J.J. Abrams:

Q: Disney is going to continue the Star Wars saga, producing movies set to hit theaters starting in 2015. Can you confirm whether you'll reprise the role of Princess Leia?
Carrie Fisher: Yes.

Fisher also had fun with her answers when asked what Princess Leia might be like today, 30 years after the release of the last film we saw her in (at least as an adult), "Return of the Jedi."

"[She's] elderly. She's in an intergalactic old folks' home," laughed Fisher. "I just think she would be just like she was before, only slower and less inclined to be up for the big battle."

Fisher also joked (or did she?) that we might be seeing Leia embracing a certain familiar style with both her hair and wardrobe.

"[She's still wearing] the bagel buns and the bikini, because probably she has sundowners syndrome," said Fisher. "At sundown, she thinks that she’s 20-something. And she puts it on and gets institutionalized."

This is highly amusing and all, but don't consider it to be an official confirmation of Fisher's involvement with "Episode VII" just yet. The likely scenario is that Disney is working out contracts with Fisher, Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill, and we'll be getting some sort of announcement in an actual press release once all of that is settled.

Though, ya know ... Carrie Fisher probably still looks good in those bagel buns. Maybe in the metal slave bikini, too.

Oh yeah, um, spoilers.

Taketoki Washizu in 'Throne of Blood' (1957)

'A' is for 'Arrows'
In one of Akira Kurosawa's many samurai epics with star/badass supreme Toshiro Mifune, the two of them created the kind of arrow-related death that "Lord of the Rings" elf Legolas must dream about at night. By the time this Macbeth stand-in is done for he's got more wood in him than Jenna Jameson and resembles a stoned porcupine. Sayonara, sucker!

Jaws in 'Jaws' (1975)

'B' is for 'Blown the f**k up!'
This movie and "Star Wars" made it a standard in Hollywood that something or someone has to be destroyed in a MASSIVE explosion at the end of every summer blockbuster. That's understandable, considering how bloody satisfying it is when Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) lands that one-in-a-million shot right at the pressurized scuba tank in that punk ass's gaping maw.

Hitler in 'Inglourious Basterds' (2009)

'D' is for 'Dictatorcide!'
Quentin Tarantino made the movie all Jews wanted to see but just didn't know it: The fantasy murder of Adolph Hitler. By allowing "Hostel" director Eli Roth the pleasure of "plantin' ole Uncle Adolf" (as Brad Pitt so eloquently puts it), this movie finally gives us the closure we were robbed of when der fuhrer punched his own ticket in that bunker so long ago. He also gets machine-gunned in the face, then blown up for good measure.

First Scanner in 'Scanners' (1981)

'E' is for 'Exploding head!'
David Cronenberg is a big weirdo, of that we are certain. He's let his freak flag fly in movies as diverse as "Videodrome," "The Fly," and "Cosmopolis," but "Scanners" was the flick that brought the Canadian body horror auteur into the mainstream. It's basically about a telekinetic mutant (not Magneto) waging a one-man war on humans. That mutant Darryl Revok (Michael Ironside) uses his psychic powers to blow up some poor guy's melon, and man is it nasty! The effect was accomplished by firing a shotgun at a fake head.

Roy Batty in 'Blade Runner' (1982)

'F' is for 'Four-year lifespan!'
Hells yeah! Now that is how you die! Runaway android Batty has caused nothing but havoc and murder the whole film, but at the end finally grasps the fragility of life and saves Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford) before delivering the most beautiful elegy in all of science fiction. And, yes, actor Rutger Hauer coined the "tears in rain" line himself on the spot. Damn! Still gets us every time.

Jill Masterson in 'Goldfinger' (1964)

'G' is for 'GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!'
At age 76, singer Shirley Bassie showed she could still knock 'em dead when she sang the title song from this James Bond entry at this year's Academy Awards. She didn't need to cover every inch of the audience in gold paint to do it, either. Funny henchman Oddjob (Harold Sakata) is even funnier if you imagine him very daintily painting Shirley Eaton's Jill to death, like a deadly Japanese version of Bob Ross.

Waring Hudsucker in 'The Hudsucker Proxy' (1994)

'H' is for 'Hudsucker!'
The Coen Brothers have concocted many memorable deaths in movies like "Raising Arizona" (grenade) and "Fargo" (wood chipper), but none as delightfully whimsical as the CEO of Hudsucker industries. The late, great Charles Durning has just the right amount of ironic detachment, and the sequence later inspired Eminem's "The Way I Am" video. It also inspired the elevator operator within the film, Buzz, to joke, "When is the sidewalk fully dressed? When it's wearing Hudsucker! You get it? It's a pun, a knee-slapper."

Russell Franklin in 'Deep Blue Sea' (1999)

'I' is for 'Irony!'
It makes many lists for "most ridiculous death scenes," but Samuel L. Jackson's swan song in this silly sharkscapade must have been his main reason for doing the movie. He must have known, deep down, that this ridiculous moment of unexpected chompitude would be remembered long after the last mother**kin' snake was off the mother**kin' plane. Sammy J, we salute you for your sacrifice.

Marion Crane in 'Psycho' (1960)

'K' is for 'Knife!' (it's a silent 'K')
No list would be complete without the scene that literally inaugurated the slasher genre. Alfred Hitchcock and artist Saul Bass storyboarded out every shot of this sequence for maximum suggestive effect, and the "choppy" style worked to horrifying effect as Janet Leigh gets the business end of Norman Bates' maternal hangups. This was pretty damn risque for the sixties, and still potent today.

Obi-Wan Kenobi in 'Star Wars' (1977)

'L' is for 'Light Saber!'
Yeah yeah, the force will be with him, but did he have to take that lame brown cloak with him to the spirit realm? After getting struck down by Darth Vader, an admittedly feeble Obi-Wan came back to give Luke Yoda's address and stuff, which softened the blow of losing our favorite old hermit Jedi. Alec Guiness gets extra points for being the only one on this list who came back for several sequels… besides Jaws.

Salim Abu Aziz in 'True Lies' (1994)

'M' is for 'Missile!'
"You're fired." There it is. With two little words and about 10-glorious-seconds, Arnold Schwarzenegger's superspy Harry Tasker literally saves his life, his daughters, and the world's with the flick of a switch and timing of a GOD. Arnold deserves a place in the halls of Valhalla for this fantastic terrorist kill.

Charles Foster Kane in 'Citizen Kane' (1941)

'R' is for 'Rosebud!'
With that last word spoken at his character's deathbed, young debut actor/director Orson Welles created an enigma for the ages. What could it mean? Is it a long lost lover? His ATM password? What Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson in "Lost in Translation?" Nope, it's his sled. "Kane" was, of course, loosely based on the life of then-living media magnate William Randolph Hearst, whose smear campaign against the film may have been motivated by the little-known fact that "Rosebud" was actually Hearst's nickname for mistress Marion Davies' clitoris.

Thelma and Louise in 'Thelma & Louise' (1990)

'S' is for 'Suicide!'
Our favorite "female empowerment through carnage" movie carved its place into the Grand Canyon, rather Mount Rushmore-like, with Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis' tearful last hurrah. We're still not sure what driving off a mountain is supposed to teach the patriarchy, but it sure was a cool way to die.

H.A.L. 9000 in '2001: A Space Odyssey' (1968)

'U' is for 'Unplugged!'
Is it still a death scene if the character being killed was never alive in the first place? Sure, why not? HAL was a pal, a space buddy to play a good game of chess with, and even though he's a sentient artificial intelligence gone bats**t homicidal doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings. Something tells us that "Daisy" has to be the #1 song for computers to sing at karaoke bars when they get too drunk.

Kane in 'Alien' (1979)

'X' is for 'Xenomorph!'
Poor John Hurt. First, he had to live through the pain of being impregnated in the face by an acid-bleeding facehugger, then the humiliation of giving birth without a proper epidural. Ouch! After that he had to go through it all over again when he spoofed the role in Mel Brooks' "Spaceballs," but hey, that's showbusiness for ya. Always with the typecasting.

Honorable Mentions:
Spock in 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn'
Darth Vader in 'Return of the Jedi'
Alex Murphy in 'Robocop'
Dr. Copper in 'The Thing'
James Cole in '12 Monkeys'
Old Yeller in 'Old Yeller'
Bambi's Mom in 'Bambi'
The Joker in 'Batman'
Tony Montana in 'Scarface'
Sergeant Howie in 'The Wicker Man'
Kong in 'King Kong'
Katia Vajda in 'Black Sunday'
John Baxter in 'Don't Look Now'
Randle McMurphy in 'One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest'
Pat Hingle in 'Suspiria'

Greetings from the apocalypse! This week finds me once again walking down memory lane as I recall two new movies I visited the sets of and, as usual, childhood traumas. Do those traumas involve giants? Do I seek the therapy I so desperately need? Read on …

Friday, March 1

Relativity Media

Okay, so in case you haven't heard already, "21 and Over" is basically the same movie as "The Hangover," as evidenced by our informative chart. I had the honor of touring the set of this raunchy sex/alcohol poisoning comedy in Seattle around 2011 or so (I can't quite remember for some reason) and got to watch Justin Chon ride a mechanical buffalo while projectile vomiting. If that's only the tip of the iceberg for all the savage debauchery Miles Teller and Skylar Astin put this poor Korean kid through in this movie … well, I'm sure Park Chan-wook could have thought of worse, but that's for Sunday. Another entry in the "one crazy night" subgenre, directed by the writers of "The Hangover," Jon Lucas and Scott Moore.

If you're in Florida and want to replicate some of that obnoxious "21 and Over" drunkenness, then look no further than the 30th Annual Miami International Film Festival. The lavish, meet market-style event kicks off at Miami Dade College with an opening night best dressed contest and concludes with the PYRAT RUM AWARDS NIGHT PARTY! In between there's the tennis sisters doc "Venus and Serena" as well as an early screening of Dreamworks' "The Croods" on Saturday.

Since the jump from Miami to Scientology's Floridian home base in Clearwater is only four hours away, it seems likely some hot girl with glassy eyes at the film festival is going to offer you a "Free stress test!" Before this happens, I heartily recommend popping in Paul Thomas Anderson's quasi-anti-Scientology movie "The Master" on Blu-ray/DVD this week. Anderson uses Philip Seymour Hoffman's Lancaster Dodd as his L. Ron Hubbard stand-in, preaching the merits of a New Age wacko religion known as "The Cause" during the early 1950s. Hoffman's creepy charisma is matched measure-for-measure by Joaquin Phoenix, playing an unhinged WWII vet named Freddie, who becomes an unlikely Sancho to Dodd's Quixote. Underperforming at both the box office and during awards season (WTF Oscars?), "The Master" arrives on disc ready for re-evaluation, and Anderson has included a carefully edited 20-minute montage of deleted scenes and a full-length 1946 John Huston doc "Let There Be Light," whose portrayal of disturbed vets informed Phoenix's character.

Saturday, March 2

Warner Bros.

If I had seen it I might have said, "Those looking for some fee fi fo fun at the movies this week can climb the vine of 'Jack the Giant Slayer'" but I have neither seen the film nor am I Gene F**kin' Shalit. As it stands, Bryan Singer's calculated hop onto the revisionist fairy tale bandwagon seems about as cynical an attempt to ape Peter Jackson as these eyes have ever beheld, but there's also a part of me that wants to see an old-fashioned movie that looks and feels like it was made in the 1960s with Ray Harryhausen handling the effects. This looks like it can go either way, and Ewan McGregor is channeling the same swashbuckling spirit he brought to Obi-Wan Kenobi, with star Nicholas Hoult slowly climbing his way up the Hollywood ladder to stardom.

Word has it that at least one sequence in "Jack the Giant Slayer" resembles a PlayStation 3 game, so why not eliminate the middle man and actually play one? Sega's "Aliens: Colonial Marines" was recently released on Valentines Day (aww) for PS3, PC, and Xbox 360, and it promises all the gory thrills of James Cameron's 1986 classic. It literally picks up as a direct sequel to that film (with some elements of the woeful "Alien 3" thrown in for bad measure), with a new team of grunts dispatched to LV-426 and the Sulaco to figure out what the hell went wrong. There's also a roster of thesps from the film who supply voices for this massive undertaking: Michael Biehn (Hicks), Mark Rolston (Drake), Al Matthews (Sergeant Apone), William Hope (Lieutenant Gorman) and Lance Henriksen as another (intact) version of that rascally synthetic, Bishop.

Now I'm not saying that "Aliens: Colonial Marines" was sponsored by the government to brainwash gamers, but I'm not NOT saying that either. One game that was definitely trying to melt some minds was "Polybius," one of the great urban legends of gaming. The story goes that a strange arcade cabinet appeared in Portland, Oregon around 1981 called "Polybius," and those who played it experienced "intense stress, horrific nightmares, and even suicidal tendencies." Some say it was created by the government as an offshoot of their MK Ultra experiments, while others say it's complete and utter bulls**t. YOU decide.

After the back-to-back recommends of "Aliens" and "Polybius" you'd have thought I'd had my fill of Lovecraftian terror … WRONG! Those currently sucked into AMC's "The Walking Dead" will find many familiar faces in Frank Darabont's 2007 horror masterpiece "The Mist" at 6:30 p.m. on SyFy (and again at 12:30 a.m.). It's a brisk, muscular adaptation of Stephen King's short story about a fog that covers a small town in a plague of monsters beyond reckoning, with Thomas Jane as the brave dad who has to fight off winged demons and Christian fundamentalists in order to keep his kid safe within the confines of a supermarket where society is quickly collapsing. The original story was phenomenal, but Darabont grafted on an ending that is so "Twilight Zone"-level shocking that even King himself says he wishes he had thought of it.

Sunday, March 3

Fox Searchlight

Imagine if Wes Anderson and Brian De Palma got in a head-on collision and the mushed-together mass of flesh that emerged from the smoldering car wreck made a movie. That would be "Stoker," the English-language debut of South Korea's Park Chan-wook, the genius/nutjob behind "Oldboy" and "Sympathy For Lady Vengeance," which takes the coveted "Survivor of Thunderdome" slot this week. I visited the set of this movie as it lensed in beautiful Nashville, Tennessee in late 2011, and between the bizarre goings-on in front of the camera (star Mia Wasikowska popping a blister, a young boy making a dirt angel, a lawnmower moving across the grass on its own, etc.) and the fact that Park doesn't speak a lick of English, well … I was a might confused.

Makes sense now, since the film itself plays out like a mysterious, fractured collage revolving around 18-year-old India (Wasikowska), her recently deceased dad Richard (Dermot Mulroney), her just-as-recently arrived Uncle Charlie (Matthew Goode) and her basket case of a mom Evelyn (Nicole Kidman). Goode's Uncle Creepy routine sears the screen with white-hot magnetism, while Wasikowska is so macabre she could start a quilting bee with Margot Tenenbaum and Wednesday Addams. Park and screenwriter Wentworth Miller (yes, the guy from "Prison Break") telegraph certain acts of violence so hard that some others seem to come completely out of left field, keeping us perpetually on our toes as to who's gonna win The Psychopath Olympics playing out on screen. With the most subtle of supernatural undercurrent, this is a movie that begs for both multiple viewings and a prior familiarity with Park's oeuvre.

Luckily for New Yorkers, the Museum of the Moving Image is presenting Park's entire Vengeance Trilogy, along with an early film called "J.S.A.: Joint Security Area" and a selection of his short films throughout the weekend. My personal fav of the trilogy is 2005's "Sympathy For Lady Vengeance" (Sunday, 6 p.m.), if only because leading lady Lee Yeong-ae brings aching humanity to her quest to take out the guy who framed her for murder and kidnapped her daughter. Takin' out the trash! Of course, the entire Vengeance Trilogy, including the classic "Oldboy" and "Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance," is available on Netflix Instant to pervert your American sense of right and wrong.

Redemption Films

If you prefer your horror a little more, er, straightforward — and chock full 'o BOOBS — then why not spend the weekend basking in the bucolic splendor of 1981's "Zombie Lake" ("Le lac des morts vivants") on Blu-ray, or Netflix Instant for the cheap bastards. Because this French sexploitation Nazi horror movie is newly remastered, you can count every freckle on the behinds of the many buxom beauties who bathe in the title lake, where World War II-era murdered Nazis rise from their watery graves seeking the flesh of the living … after they watch the ladies swim naked a little first. I dunno if the Netflix cut is botched or the movie is just incompetently made (guess my sneaking suspicion!), but there are extras smiling while carrying a dead body through the town, combat scenes as convincing as a backyard Nerf battle and points where all music/sound will drop abruptly so sex scenes seem like filler in a snuff film. I loved it. Distinctive (i.e. ugly) character actor Howard Vernon ("Alphaville," "Delicatessen") plays the mayor, and this f**kin' flick is so bats**t crazy it ends with a little girl sincerely crying "Don't forget me!" to a burning Nazi zombie. BOOBS!!!

Star Wars Corner!
You're not in Kansas anymore. You're actually in Seattle, Washington for Emerald City ComicCon. This parade of high viscosity nerdosity has its fair share of beloved has-beens (Gillian Anderson, Christopher Lloyd), but the guests of honor at this year's genre festivities has to be Carrie Fisher and Billy Dee Williams! Friday through Sunday Princess Leia will be signing all manner of metal bikinis for 70 bucks a pop, while for 45 smackers you can pose in a photo with Lando and a can of Colt 45. If you spent most of your money on Brony paraphernalia, you can always scrape together 30 bucks to snap a picture with Ray Park, a.k.a. Darth Maul, and for an extra $5 you can cut him in half with a lightsaber.

As I ride off into the distant horizon, here's wishing you fellow weekend road warriors the best outing possible from this burnt-out, blighted wasteland. Enjoy your fast Internet, clean-ish movie theaters, plentiful gasoline and all the comforts of home, for this world lives now only in my memories …

You can follow renegade movie journo and filmmaker Max Evry on Twitter, and check out his bitchin' DeviantArt gallery while you're at it.

Star Wars fans: If the exhilaration that came with J.J. Abrams being attached to direct "Star Wars VII" has already worn off, then you clearly don't recognize the extent of Mr. Abrams's talent. You should at least have been excited until around mid-April. That's all we wanted to say. You may now go about your respective days.

Kidding! Please stick around for a bit as we let you in on a secret that our pals at Screencrush discovered: A 30-year-old documentary surrounding the making of "Empire Strikes Back" has been unearthed, and it's already on YouTube in all its early '80s Star Wars-ish glory. And it's embedded above! Give it a click!

If you do, here's what you'll find: Mark Hamill, with a stuntman rehearsing his on-screen lightsaber battles with his movie dad, 1978 Chryslers parked in a random alley in the background; Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher, playfully discussing their on-screen romance in relation to those of classic Humphrey Bogart films; and, perhaps most importantly, your reignited enthusiasm for the Star Wars franchise itself. (Aww.)

Admit it: you've reenacted the Darth Vader-Obi Wan Kanobi light saber fight from "Star Wars" a few dozen hundred times. Truth is, we've all got a little bit of the "Star Wars" kid in us.

The folks at The Stunt People have heard your cries, with full knowledge that you wish you could somehow insert yourself into the classic fight scene. How about this for a compromise: a YouTube video that gives you a first-person, Darth Vader P.O.V. shot? That's right: Luke, we are your father.

The dizzy, super-realistic battle truly gives you a feel for what it would mean to let George Lucas mold you into film's most iconic villain ...with a really good arm. So suit up, bad guy, it's time to fight! Sabers up!

WARNING: SOME ADULT LANGUAGE LIVES HERE:

"Our friend, [Carlos], a 23-year-old American male, did not know who Luke's father was," writes Avi Bakshani in the metadata of his video on YouTube. "So we made it an event." And an event it is, considering that Carlos (who has ostensibly has been alive since 1990) had no flipping idea, and his shocked -- SHOCKED! -- reaction was caught on tape.

Someone had better hold his hands during "Titanic." We have a feeling that flick's going to be extra rough for the guy.

Due to certain, um, revelations in "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi" vis-à-vis Vader = Father/Leia = Sister, the genealogy of "Star Wars" can be a bit tricksy, which is why a handy infographic was in order.

Matt Baker at Chart Geek has crafted said family tree, which breaks down the twisty-turny familial legacy of the Skywalker clan, from being conceived by those damned midi-chlorians (which conspiracy nerds believe points to the evil Palpatine being Anakin's paterfamilias), straight through to expanded universe offspring like the Solo twins.

Don't expect any of those sons and daughters from the novels to wind their way into "Episode VII," though, at least if screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan has anything to say about it.

"I'm trying to start fresh," Kasdan told Hero Complex, quashing any hope of expanded universe nonsense winding up onscreen. "There are certain pleasures that we think the saga can bring to people that they’ve been missing, and we’re hoping to bring them that, and at the same time, have them feel that it’s all new."

Lucasfilm

Han Solo and Darth Vader may get all of the press, but when it comes to the original "Star Wars" trilogy, there's no real doubt who the story is really about: Luke Skywalker.

And since you can't have Luke Skywalker without star Mark Hamill, The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that Hamill is in talks to return to the "Star Wars" universe for "Episode VII" — assuming he wants to.

Which is a pretty damn fair assumption, to hear Hamill tell it.

"They're talking to us," Mark Hamill said in a new interview with Entertainment Tonight. "George [Lucas] wanted to know whether we'd be interested. He did say that if we didn't want to do it, they wouldn't cast another actor in our parts; they would write us out. I can tell you right away that we haven't signed any contracts. We're in the stage where they want us to go in and meet with Michael Arndt, who is the writer, and Kathleen Kennedy, who is going to run Lucasfilm. Both have had meetings set that were postponed -- on their end, not mine. They're more busy than I am."

"I'm assuming, because I haven't talked to the writers, that these movies would be about our offspring ," he added. "Like my character would be sort of in the Obi-Wan range [as] an influential character."

Still, Hamill has long been resigned to his character having a less than fairy tale ending and doesn't seem to have any problems with it.

"When I found out [while making the original trilogy] that ultimate good news/bad news joke – the good news is there's a real attractive, hot girl in the universe; the bad news is she's your sister – I thought, 'Well, I'm going to wind up like Sir Alec. I'm going to be a lonely old hermit living out in some kind of desert igloo with a couple of robots.'"

Here's hoping they end up finding something a little more exciting for him to do than that.

Too cute kinkajou is! In fact, this particular baby kinkajou reminds us of one vertically-challenged Jedi Master in particular: Yoda! Well, Buzzfeed, thinks so, and we agree, considering the bottle-suckling baby kinkajou looks just a tad smaller, fuzzier, and more huggable than the real Yoda.

What's funny is that the kinkajou usually grows up to look more like a ferret than our favorite "Star Wars" sage. Their ears eventually bend more upwards than out, its eyes wide and vulnerable like an adorable rodent. Yoda, on the other hand, grows gray hair and develops a skin tone that can be described as "puke green."

Not that he's any less cute than the baby kinkajou. Because, let's get real, you'd hug the sh*t out of both of them.

If you haven't done the Harlem Shake on video yet and uploaded it to YouTube, then you're the only one left. Because everyone has done it. And that now includes the "Star Wars" characters, albeit not the real thing. But considering Harrison's Ford dead cold gaze, there's no chance in hell that we'll see him and Calista Flockhart breaking it down anytime soon.

Okay, sure, these "Star Wars" characters aren't necessarily the most recognizable — is that supposed to be an Imperial Officer or "Double Dare" contestant? — but it's nice to see a Wookie dance. Even if that's just a chick in a huge fur coat.

Bonus points for the ceiling fan. George Lucas would've loved that.

Lucasfilm

Hollywood has a pecking order an operating system all its own, which seems to be rooted in the old adage: If it ain't broke, why fix it? That's why we're not the least bit surprised to hear that the iconic composer, John Williams, may be back in the conductor's chair (or the computer lab—we're not sure where those guys work these days) for the next "Star Wars" trilogy. At least, it sounds like he's throwing his hat in the ring, SlashFilm reports.

Williams' score for the original film remains, arguably, one of the best-loved soundtracks of all time, and he composed the music for all six previous "Star Wars" movies. In other words, he's got a pretty solid track record.

Throw in the rumors that Harrison Ford might reprise his role as Han Solo and we might have an A-list reunion on our hands.

So… everyone's thrilled, right? Almost.

Michael Giacchino, who has scored all four of "Episode VII" director J.J. Abrams' features to date—as well as his TV hits "Lost" and "Alias"—is probably not so jazzed to hear of Williams' possible return. If Williams weren't in the running, Giacchino would be the obvious choice to bring music to this next installment, but with Williams hovering around, Abrams' favorite might be left out in the cold. Only time will tell who the powers-that-be tap for this post, but if we were gambling men (which we aren't), we'd put our money on Williams.

Lucasfilm

SHENANGIANS ALERT!

According to a new report from Latino Review, Harrison Ford has signed on to reprise his role as Han Solo in the upcoming Disney blockbuster "Star Wars: Episode VII," an occurrence that once seemed about as likely as Yoda giving birth to a bantha.

But is it true?

Here's what we know for sure: "Star Wars: Episode VII" director J.J. Abrams is a huge fan of "Star Wars" and there's no doubt that Han Solo is the most popular character from the original trilogy. And since the execs at Disney have mentioend before that they may be open to bringing back the original cast, chances are pretty good that Abrams would wlecome Ford with open arms.

On the other hand, this is exactly the kind of thing that Ford is notoriously uninterested in. In fact, he didn't really like the character of Han Solo that much to begin with, thinking he was too one-dimensional. How much did Ford want out of the original trilogy? He strongly urged George Lucas to kill off Solo in "Return of the Jedi."

So the idea that Ford would sign back up for "Star Wars: Episode VII" seems a bit curious on the face of it. And while Latino Review does frequently come up with legit scoops, they have also occasionally jumped the gun by reporting rumors as facts.

Our best guess? It could be true — but if it is, expect to see Solo finally get killed off, probably as a way to kick-start the new trilogy. Harrison Ford, back as Han Solo? Just be careful what you wish for, 'Star Wars" fans.

Ever since Disney acquired Lucasfilm, the world has been waiting to see what that might look like. Luckily, the team at "Conan" is more than ready to serve up a hot, piping mashup parody that certainly answers the question by marrying aliens and football.

"Yody" raises the question: What would it look like if Yoda's dream was to play football at Notre Dame? Just like Sean Astin's impossible dream in "Rudy," it certainly wouldn't be easy, considering the guy clocks in at "two feet tall, five pounds heavy, and nine hundred years old." But, hey, Disney movies never leave a dream unfulfilled, which is why seeing Yoda as Rudy is time well spent, even if it may never actually come true.

But if you're reading this, Disney execs, we'd very much like to see that come true (hint, hint).

Mr. & Mrs. Anderson

Everyone loves a good wedding: free booze, awkward speeches and creepy DJs — what more could you want? All too often, however, the invites don't live up to the day. (Seriously, if I open one more shimmering envelope and a sliver of cream-colored tissue paper falls out I'm gonna scream.) So when film buffs throw calligraphy and caution to the wind and opt instead for movie-themed wedding invitations, it's time to celebrate.

That said, not all movie-themed invites are created equal. In fact, they're as varied as the couples who create them. Here's our breakdown of the best and worst announcements honoring the most important day of one's life — well, besides the day the new Monty Python film comes out, that is.

The Best

'Top Gun'

Something tells us this couple feels the need … the need ... for speed. "Starring" the lovely Rae and Adam, the image reminds us that you don't have to be Tom Cruise to be a maverick, and that a little graphic design can go a long way. From the clever title edit ("Top Groom" is genius in our book) to the perfect pose, this is one wedding invite we'd be honored to open. Even if it were … inverted.

'Superman'

First off, we have to commend the shout-out to the Daily Planet in this design, not to mention the fact that some clever soul has replaced the "S" (for "Superman") with a "W" (presumably for "Wolf," the groom's last name). Throw in the bonus that these two got hitched in Vegas (not that that's so relevant to the movie theme, but still) and this might be one of the best invites ever.

'The Princess Bride'

Ever since Westley said, "As you wish," little girls everywhere have been waiting for their own gorgeous farm boys to whisk them through the fire swamp and to the altar. But of all the glorious scenes in that classic film, perhaps none is more memorable than the wedding. If we had a dollar every time we said this quote … we'd have several dollars.

'Mr. & Mrs. Smith'

We mean, "Mr. & Mrs. Anderson," that is. What can we say about this? Pure perfection. They've got the clothes. They've got the pose. And they've definitely got the attitude.

'Dirty Dancing' / 'Just Married'

This one gets extra points (in our made-up point-giving system) because it's a two-for-one, recalling both a beloved '80s classic and an Ashton Kutcher-starrer. True, it's kind of a random pairing, but we ain't mad at 'em, 'cause these two look like they're going to live happily ever after.

'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'

We mean, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Wedding. Obvi. You know what we like about this? The penguins. You know what else? The fact that the penguins are holding wine glasses.

The Worst

'Batman'

OK, so we've got a lot of love for "The Dark Knight," and even the classic "Batman" from which he came. But this wedding invite left us wanting something more. Maybe it's the semi-creepy pose with Wonder Woman carrying Batman (who's holding a bouquet, no less), or maybe it’s the cumbersome "Holy-Matrimony, Batman!" tagline. But this is one invite we'd like to bury … and that little figurine, too.

'Star Wars'

This is technically a rehearsal dinner invite, but since it's "Star Wars"-themed, it couldn’t be ignored. Also, it's weird. Quite possibly its weirdness is due to the fact that the images are of children. Yes, presumably these two have grown up and are now both of the age of consent, but something about the archived images rubs us the wrong way. The greatest movie of all time (don't argue) deserves far better.

'Star Trek'

We don't want to be haters, really. But this is kind of a boring invite, don't ya think? With the rich Trekkie world to mine, all they came up with was a modified logo? They could've tried harder than that.

'Endless Love'

Hmm. OK, so the invite itself isn't that bad. The snowstorm image is a bit tired, but fine. Our real concern is the fact that the movie was actually a heartbreaking drama about teenage lovers and its tagline was "The love every parent fears." Not so sure that fits with a wedding, but maybe we're just old-fashioned.

'Attack of the 50 Foot Woman'

Err, make that, "Attack of the 50-Foot Bride & Groom." We just have two questions: Why is the bride rocking coke-bottle glasses … and what's with the groom's pimp cane? We don't remember that from the movie.

'Twilight'

Just. No.

William Shatner is more than just a film icon, he's a national treasure. From "Star Trek" to "T.J. Hooker" to The Priceline Negotiator to his amazing career as a musician (seriously, check out his 2004 album "Has Been"), Shatner has pretty much done everything there is to do in show business.

So when Shatner talks, people listen — which is why his new comments to Movie Fanatic about director J.J. Abrams taking over "Star Wars" are making waves.

And let's just say the captain of the Enterprise doesn't seem thrilled with the idea of Abrams doing both "Star Trek" and "Star Wars."

Of course, it should be said that pretty much everything Shatner does is tongue-in-cheek. But with his patented deadpan delivery, it's easy for some to take him perhaps more seriously than they should. Make no mistake, though, Shatner has a twinkle in his eye — even when he's calling Abrams a "pig."

"He's being a pig," Shatner said when asked what he thought about Abrams helming both "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." "He's collecting the two franchises and holding them close to his vest."

"He's probably the most talented director of that ilk that we have," Shatner continued, "but he's gone too far this time. I think of him as a buddy of mine, I've taken him out for sushi. I think it's time for J.J. and I to have another sushi and let me put him straight about two of the largest franchises — and not employing me in either one of them."

"I think it's just foolhardy."

So do we, William Shatner. So do we.

• How did the Galactic Empire ever cement its hold on the "Star Wars" Universe? A deconstruction of the disastrous Battle of Hoth. [Wired]

• They're hot, sexy and supernatural. Meet the young stars of the freaky Southern gothic, "Beautiful Creatures." [Moviefone]

• Which fantasy series has the best cast? A critical look at the dramatis personae of "Twilight," "Narnia," "The Hobbit" and more. [Film.com]

• Be Mine with 20 hilarious pop culture Valentine's Day cards. Yes, at least one of them features Nicolas Cage. [Heavy]

• Alfred Hitchcock intended "Psycho" to be a comedy. A guy dressed up as an old lady is pretty funny, no? [Screen Junkies]

• Here's the first look at Jemima West as Isabelle Lightwood in "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones." She's got some mad ink. [Hypable]

• Mila Kunis says her four years of being single made for "an amazing time." Being Mila Kunis as well as being single probably had a lot to do with that. [Hollywire]

• 25 Cutest Kids Cosplay, from the insanely precious to the borderline inapprorpriate. Does your mother know you're dressed like Alex from "A Clockwork Orange"? [ScreenCrush]

• They grow up so fast! Chloe Moretz teases "more romance" for Hit-Girl in "Kick-Ass 2." [MTV Splash Page]

• Multiple Movie Couples: Stars who have played love interests more than once, like Leo & Kate, Tom & Meg and Anne & Jake. [BuzzSugar]

• Tom Hanks digs Olivia Wilde's engagement ring. And basketball. [BuzzFeed]

• We especially love the guy in the giant Wampa costume. [ScreenCrush]

• Laugh it up, fuzzball: 14 actors who could play a young Han Solo. [Moviefone]

• "Star Wars" bloopers! Miscellaneous mishaps and oddities from Episodes IV, V and VI (you know, the good ones). [Mental Floss]

• Here are the 30 hottest actresses under the age of 30. They won't stay like that forever. [Ranker]

• Benedict Cumberbatch is playing Khan in the new "Star Trek" movie. Well, maybe. Sigh. [Hypable]

• One Critic's Argument: Anne Hathaway, the worst of the supporting actresses. [The Carpetbagger]

• Are you up for learning some more history mixed with fantastical pratfalls? Get ready for another "Night at the Museum." [ComingSoon.net]

• Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill high-five over swimming with a topless woman. It makes sense. [HyperVocal]

• Meanwhile, the "Spring Breakers" Bikini Team prefers to stay at least semi-clothed. [FilmDrunk]

• From Kelso to Jobs: The (Unlikely Yet True) Evolution of Ashton Kutcher. [Hollywire]

• 19 celebrities with inexplicable food and booze brands. You know, like Dan Aykroyd's skull-head vodka. [BuzzFeed]

Disney

Disney CEO Bob Iger took a break from his treasure bath to confirm rumors that, yes, in addition to a third trilogy of "Star Wars" pictures, there will be "standalone" films that will come out in between that are "derived from great 'Star Wars' characters."

When I read that last phrase I immediately thought two things. First, "great, Calculus!" Second, "Whooooooooooooooo?"

Anthony Breznican, an actual journalist, reports that the two projects that are likely to take off first are stories about Boba Fett and Han Solo. They are neither prequels or sequels. . .they are merely quels, and they ought to quell the frustrations of many a nerd who wanted to see, once and for all, just how Lando Calrissian won the Millennium Falcon. (You thought Midi-chlorians were bad? Just wait til you watch the ship that can make the Kessel run in 12 parsecs change ownership on a Queen high!)

The Han Solo film is, according to Breznican's source (which may or may not be the bird in front of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride), going to be set BEFORE "A New Hope." That's right, folks, we're calling it now: HAN AT THE PROM.

The current Hollywood zeitgeist dictates that the future Hutt Palace objet d'art be presented, at least in part, as a brooding, angsty teen. Maybe he'll have to choose between a space vampire and a space werewolf? The big question remains: who will play the young interstellar smuggler and will he wear a vest?

Disney

The fact is that Lucasfilm could (and probably should) cast a relative unknown in the role. The box office draw couldn't be much higher, even if they decided to pick the entire lineup of One Direction and had them trade-off like a mass market "I'm Not There." I'm just wondering if it will be a music cue or a push-in to a tight close-up to underline that what we're seeing is the FIRST TIME Han has had a bad feeling about this.

A little less likely to cause apoplectic eye-rolls is the Boba Fett movie. Frankly, this idea is almost impervious to snark. While the nonsense about Jango Fett being the source for the clone Stormtroopers does hang over it, the fact is that the group shot of the Bounty Hunters from "Empire" is a good launching pad for untold space adventures. That image is like the "Great Day in Harlem" but for mouthbreathing science-fantasy dweebs.

The Boba Fett movie could take place any time prior to his humiliating end in the Sarlaac Pit (and could potentially involve Jabba) but we're hoping it involves some nice rivalry with the other bounty hunters. Zuckuss fighting Bossk? Yes, please.

Casting a new Boba Fett shouldn't be too hard. (Can you wear a helmet? Can you fall in a pit? Can you keep the talking to a minimum? Hired!) Convincing the suits that the best way to do Boba Fett is as a sleek, nearly silent tale of badassery like Jean-Pierre Melville's "Le Samourai" is another thing.

Of course, we're nowhere near done. Possible "Star Wars: Origins" stories will be floated up in trial balloons all year. (To save time: Wedge Antilles and Tambor Wat, thumbs up. Wicket and Dexter Jettster, thumbs down. General Grievous. . .probably not, but we're not ruling it out.) And this may all fall apart, too. Point is, don't get your metal bikini bottoms in a bunch just yet. The galaxy far, far away is vast and there's a long time ago to go.

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LucasFilm

Yoda solo film rumors, misleading they may be, but uncovered the truth we have.

On the heels of Disney head honcho Bob Iger sensing the presence of "Star Wars" spinoff projects in the force, Entertainment Weekly has announced who the scripts by Simon Kinberg and Lawrence Kasdan will revolve around: young space pirate/scoundrel Han Solo, and ruthless bounty hunting clone Boba Fett.

By inserting "Attack of the Clones" co-star/Jango Fett actor Temeura Morrison's voice into "The Empire Strikes Back," George Lucas essentially handed Morrison the Boba gig on a silver platter, and the character's creator Joe Johnston of "Rocketeer" and "Captain America" fame has already stated years ago he would like to direct a Fett adventure. Original Boba actor Jeremy Bulloch would like a cameo please. So be it. Now the question is who will he run into… Darth Vader perhaps?

Not too many young thesps have the magnetism, the charm, and the schnoz to ape Harrison Ford, but Liam Hemsworth has all the makings of the dashing Han, and learned from Ford himself after they co-starred in upcoming thriller "Paranoia." Others that might be fit to wear the vest and pistol belt include "Twilight" star Xavier Samuel, "Game of Thrones" hero Kit Harington (sans beard and long locks), and maybe, just maybe, web slinger Andrew Garfield. Those are all potentialities, but we would bet on a charismatic unknown.

Director Robert Rodriguez told MTV that he would be down to put Han back in the Millennium Falcon cockpit, and Wes Anderson sorta halfheartedly threw his hat into the ring for an origin story, which the spinoff will be. It could provide a second chance for "Episode VII" also-rans like Jon Favreau and Matthew Vaughn to get in on the action too, but if you ask us, the pitch-perfect guy for the director's seat would be Mr. Rian Johnson. Johnson has shown he can do old-fashioned male swagger with panache in flicks like "The Brothers Bloom" and the sci-fi hit "Looper." There's your guy right there, Lucasfilm.

Lucasfilm

UPDATE: Disney Chairman and CEO Bob Iger has confirmed in an interview with CNBC that there are indeed "Star Wars" spinoff films currently being developed by screenwriters Lawrence Kasdan and Simon Kinberg. There is of course no word on what characters may be involved.

You can watch the interview at Deadline.

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Ever since Disney bought "Star Wars" and announced they would be putting out stand alone spinoffs in addition to continuing the main storyline, folks have been speculating just what those new films will be about. The origin of Salacious Crumb? The story of the Millennium Falcon making the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs? Jar Jar Binks: The Untold Story?

All great ideas. But now, according to Ain't It Cool News, the real answer has been revealed — and the first "Star Wars" spinoff will actually be about Yoda.

"To start with, they're going to focus on established characters and do solo films," AICN's Harry Knowles said about Disney's plans to expand their "Star Wars" empire. "The first Stand Alone film is going to center upon Yoda.  At this stage specifics are sparse, but Kathleen Kennedy is putting together a 'Star Wars' slate."

""I've also heard tale of a Jabba story that Lucas has floated to some of his buddies," he added. "But word is Yoda is first."

Of course, considering Yoda (who is voiced by puppeteer Frank Oz) was over 900 years old in the original trilogy, there seems to be plenty of room to expand upon what little we know of his history. So exactly what the film will be about is still pretty much a complete mystery (anyone else want to see a Mrs. Yoda?). But one thing is sure: With Disney in charge and going full steam ahead, this is likely just the first of many announcements to come.

Good news, this is.

Originally published on Tuesday, Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:24 a.m.

The force is quite strong with this four-legged furball.

Remember when Volkswagen made a funny during 2011's Super Bowl commercial spree by having a Darth Vader costume-clad child's dreams of exercising some Jedi Knight telekinesis skills come true?

Well, this is like that. Only, it's got a kitten! And a fish!

"Jedi Kitten with the Force," as the vid is called, chronicles the malfeasance of one naughty little feline who terrorizes his owner — er, the poor schmuck who thinks he's runs the house — and the guy's pet goldfish after sampling a little clip from "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones."

"Powerful you have become, Dooku, the dark side I sense in you," says Yoda on the cat's computer screen.

Kitty Kitty then sees a window (literally) of opportunity to try his paw at a little trouble-making and begins taking it out on the little swimmer whilst licking his chops. As a general rule, cats don't prefer the water, but the paws-free ability to lift the little blooper dry from his tank solves that little dilemma quite nicely, yes? Poor fish doesn't even stand a chance.

Even the owner's out of his league with Jedi Kitten, learning the hard way not to interrupt his use of the force.

The only one who walks away unscathed is the Ewok who makes a random cameo at 0:20.