Greetings from the apocalypse! The trouble with Tribbles is not how cute they are but how much they multiply, or in the case of "Star Trek Into Darkness," the silly plot point for which they cameo. That's the only thing I'll spoil from that movie (besides that it stinks), but luckily there's some sweet alternatives this week that boldly go where no J.J. Abrams movie has gone before … coherence.

Friday, May 17

Paramount

POW! IN THEATERS
Oh boy. "Star Trek Into Dumbness" finally fulfills J.J. Abrams' five-year mission to run this franchise through a Cuisinart of stupidity. I would need a spoiler avalanche to make a proper case for how this sequel squanders classic characters and scenarios from previous films on a story that merely serves as flimsy pretext to stage set pieces that make even less sense. Fortunately, life is too short. As in 2009's "Star Trek," the cast is aces, including Chris Pine coming into his own as Kirk, even as Abrams has him making bonehead decisions that would deem one unfit for canoeing in the Special Olympics, let alone captaining a friggin' starship. The perpetually boring Benedict Sourpatch doesn't hold a candle to … well, whatever classic villain he "might" be playing, maybe. Unrelenting momentum, lame 9/11 allegories and Tribble cameos don't make up for bad storytelling. What's in the mystery box? Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

NETFLIX RECOMMENDS WITH A VENGEANCE
Those looking to glue on your Vulcan ears and seriously Trek-out this weekend will want to dig on William Shatner's 2011 documentary "The Captains" on Netflix Streaming. This odyssey has the original captain of the Starship Enterprise flying all over creation interviewing all the subsequent "Star Trek" captains, including Sir Patrick Stewart, Avery Brooks, Kate Mulgrew and Scott Bakula, as well as an extended arm-wrestling match with Chris Pine in front of Paramount Studios. No joke. It also allows William Shatner to come to terms with the fact that "Captain Kirk" and "Beam me up Scotty" will likely be the epitaph etched on his tombstone. He seems cool with it. Also, if you've never seen it, check out "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan," also streaming on Instant … it just might be a handy primer for "Into Darkness." Just … maybe.

Paramount

BASIC CABLE BLUES
This is your one-stop shop for all Trekking needs, since we got "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country" AND "Star Trek: First Contact" back-to-back at 3 p.m. and 5:30 p.m. on SyFy. A best-of-both-worlds scenario gives you the swan song of the classic Original Cast ("OC" to the cool people) followed by certainly the best installment with the "Next Generation" crew as they battle The Borg and find themselves in a time-travel situation as humans encounter Vulcans for the first time. "Star Trek VI" also sees the return of "Wrath of Khan" director Nicholas Meyer, who seemed to always bring out the best in Shatner and the gang.

FESTIVAL SCHMESTIVAL
It's a good weekend to be an American living on the upper left-hand side of our map with two equally cool fests starting with the Seattle International Film Festival. The birthplace of Starbucks and flannel-clad grunge will rock its way inside your heart-shaped box from May 16-June 9, starting with opening night film "Much Ado About Nothing" (I've seen it; Joss Whedon nails it), and closing with the American premiere of Sofia Coppola's "The Bling Ring." Guests of honor this year are weirdo director Peter Greenaway ("The Pillow Book") and "Twin Peaks" icon/"Showgirls" not-so-icon Kyle MacLachlan, who will no doubt regale the audience with tales from the "Flintstones" movie.

Just below Seattle, Washington lies its grittier hipster cousin Portland, Oregon, which is right now playing host to The Return to NoirVille at Cinema 21. The final week of dishy dames and the men who do wrong for them includes classic black-and-white fare like "Laura" and "The Postman Always Rings Twice" alongside more contemporary neo noirs like the Coen Brothers' "Blood Simple" and Robert Altman's "The Long Goodbye."

Saturday, May 18

IFC

POW! IN THEATERS
Imagine the HBO show "Girls" if those twentysomething Brooklynites were enjoyable/funny people (instead of being reprehensible beyond all measure) and you get the delightful "Frances Ha," this week's most recommended "Survivor of Thunderdome." Director Noah Baumbach and star Greta Gerwig collaborated on this story of a wayward aspiring dancer at the ass-end of her twenties trying to reconcile career lows and undateability with her friends' thriving adulthood. Sam Levy's gorgeous black & white photography harkens back to Woody Allen's "Manhattan," as does the non-stop bon mots that could fill three or four lesser comedies. Baumbach gets stronger with each picture, and after the misanthropy of "Greenberg" this feels like an effervescent breath of fresh air.

PODCASTAWAY
As if I wasn't excited enough about convincing you to go see Greta Gerwig being cute over the Enterprise getting torpedoed for two hours, über-popular podcaster Marc Maron had Noah Baumbach (apparently pronounced "bowm-back") in his cat ranch garage for a cool episode of "WTF" this week. All you What the F**kers, What the F**kbuddies and What the F**knicks can dazzle at this bubbly hour-long chat as Maron probes the director on "The Squid and the Whale," divorce, dating Gerwig, collaborating with Wes Anderson and getting emotional over Wikipedia summaries of movies. You can download the podcast for free at iTunes or at the WTF homepage.

Focus Features

PAY CHANNEL PAYBACK
"Our daughter's been abducted by one of these beige lunatics!" That would be Bill Murray upset at the Khaki Scouts who have absconded with his 12-year-old Suzie so she can elope with her equally precocious 12-year-old boyfriend Sam in "Moonrise Kingdom," which premieres on HBO at 7:15 p.m. Wes Anderson's arch stylings have been known to alienate some as "too twee for his own good," but this charming '60s-set romp has proved to be his most accessible film since "The Royal Tenenbaums." Bruce Willis, Frances McDormand, Edward Norton, Jason Schwartzman and some truly gorgeous Rhode Island coastline co-star. If you doubt how much I dig this movie, check out the Oscar campaign poster I did last year, why don'tcha?

LOCAL EVENTURES
Harvard Square ain't for squares tonight and tomorrow as "Coraline" author Neil Gaiman and his goth pixie Dresden Doll of a wife Amanda F**king Palmer present "You Show Me Yours, I’ll Show You Mine: The Neil & Amanda Double Features" at the Brattle Theater in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Apparently Neil has chosen two films that Amanda hasn't seen (Lindsay Anderson’s "If …" and Peter Greenaway’s "Drowning By Numbers") while Amanda has chosen two films Neil is ignorant of (Alejandro Jodorowsky’s "Santa Sangre" and Philippe de Broca’s "King of Hearts"). Amanda's picks will run tonight starting at 6:30 p.m. while Neil's double feature unspools at 6:30 p.m. Sunday. I personally recommend "If …" for its shattering portrait of life at an English parochial school that prefigured Columbine by 30 years.

Sunday, May 19

LD Entertainment

YOU DOWN WITH VOD?
The rape revenge genre gets a feminist twist in the new thriller "Black Rock" on VOD and in very select theaters. Katie Aselton, Lake Bell and Kate Bosworth play a trio of old friends who try to sort out their personal issues with a weekend on a remote Maine island, where they encounter a trio of bulky ex-military dudes hunting; one thing leads to another and … the girls become their prey. Etc Etc. The twist comes less with the plot than via the Mumblecore sensibility that director/star Aselton and writer Mark Duplass bring to it. The ballsiest choice comes at the height of the tension when these women are naked, being stalked, huddled against a tree in the dark ... and they stop for six minutes to have a "girl talk moment." You won't see John Rambo doin' that s**t, that's for sure.

BASIC CABLE BLUES
It's been a while since we've seen the once-promising Kate Bosworth, but with her blockbuster days perhaps behind her (thanks, "Superman Returns") it's good to have something like "Black Rock" to remind us the girl can act. If you want to catch Bosworth during the peak of her hot streak, check out the 2002 surfing drama "Blue Crush" at 4 p.m. on E! as she, Michelle Rodriguez and actual real-life surfer Sanoe Lake hanging ten on Hawaii's famed North Shore.

A24

NEW ON BLU
I enjoyed writer/director Roman Coppola's Charlie Sheen vehicle "A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III" in all its flawed, kitschy glory back in January, so why not mix yourself up a Brandy Alexander to soak up this novelty item on Blu-ray, yes? It's not very often that a director shoots a large portion of a film at his own house, but Coppola used budgetary restraints to his advantage by cramming a lot of personal mementos (knick-knacks, outfits, photos, art, his own baby, etc.) throughout and makes note of them in fond nostalgic detail on the commentary track. A couple short-but-sweet supplemental docs tout the making of the picture as a genuine love-fest, as well as a tribute to the great '70s era of commercial airbrush artists. Lovely.

As I ride off into the distant horizon, here's wishing you fellow weekend road warriors the best outing possible from this burnt-out, blighted wasteland. Enjoy your fast Internet, clean-ish movie theaters, plentiful gasoline and all the comforts of home, for this world lives now only in my memories …

You can follow renegade movie journo and filmmaker Max Evry on Twitter, and check out his bitchin' DeviantArt gallery while you're at it.

Paramount

While most sci-fi fans are over the moon about "Star Trek Into Darkness" and the whole J.J. Abrams reboot, you may be surprised to learn that there are still quite a few "Star Trek" traditionalists who decry the new films as a monstrous blasphemy. A self-professed "Star Wars" fan turning "Star Trek" into a shoot first and ask questions later action franchise? No way.

And that got us wondering: Which is actually better, the new "Star Trek" or the old "Star Trek"?

Of course, the two versions of Gene Roddenberry's beloved creation are very different in tone and story, so it's a little like comparing apples to tribbles. But one thing they do share is the same characters. So in order to decide which version of "Star Trek" holds the edge, we've decided to match up the old and new versions, actor against actor, mano-a-mano.

Let the battle commence.

Nyota Uhura: Nichelle Nichols vs. Zoe Saldana

Nichelle Nichols had a lot going for her in the original "Star Trek" series. A true television pioneer, her Uhura was one of the few — if not the only — positive representations of African-American women on TV in the '60s. Thanks to the times Nichols helped change, though, Zoe Saldana's version of Uhura simply has more opportunities to kick butt and take names. She's not just the mysterious beauty on the telephone; she's a take-charge force in her own right.

Our Pick: Zoe Saldana (New "Trek")

Hikaru Sulu: George Takei vs. John Cho

We love what "Harold and Kumar" star John Cho did with the role of ship's helmsman Hikaru Sulu in 2009's "Star Trek," especially the awesome action sequence where he and Kirk battled evil minions atop a big ... space thing. But while the shout-out to the original Sulu's love of fencing was cool, it wasn't as cool as, you know, the original Sulu's love of shirtless fencing. And as anyone who is on Facebook knows, nobody delivers their lines with quite the same verve as George Takei. The man is a true original.

Our Pick: George Takei (Old "Trek")

Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott: James Doohan vs. Simon Pegg

"She canna take much more, Cap'n!!" Look, we love James Doohan's Scotty as much as anyone, what with his deadpan earnestness that you just knew was hiding some major inner snark. But in these modern times, we like to see that snark get unleashed from time to time, which is why we just have to give the edge to Simon Pegg. Sure, the broader comedy may not sit well with purists, but for the rest of us, we'll take Pegg wherever we can get it. And these days, we get it from the inside of a starship.

Our Pick: Simon Pegg (New "Trek")

Dr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: DeForest Kelley vs. Karl Urban

Maybe the most underrated member of the original ensemble, DeForest Kelley actually had a long and successful career in westerns before joining the cast of "Star Trek." And while the rest of the cast was doing their Peace Corps in Space thing, Kelley's cynical Dr. Leonard McCoy was keeping things grounded with old-fashioned pessimism. Karl Urban is excellent in the new films, but he's essentially doing a really good DeForest Kelley impersonation ... which means that in this competition, he's dead, Jim.

Our Pick: DeForest Kelley (Old "Trek")

Pavel Chekov: Walter Koenig vs. Anton Yelchin

This fact may be a bit lost in time now, but Ensign Pavel Chekov wasn't even in the first season of "Star Trek." Instead, Walter Koenig joined the crew in Season Two in order to give the kids a bit of youthful eye candy. So while he had his moments in subsequent episodes and movies, Chekov wasn't exactly the most important member of the Enterprise contingent; still, just standing around the bridge gave Koenig more to do than Anton Yelchin in the 2009 reboot. Seriously, Yelchin got like two lines of dialogue. Of all the battles in this throwdown, this is the most one-sided, mainly because Yelchin just never got a chance to shine.

Our Pick: By default, it's Walter Koenig (Old "Trek")

Khan: Ricardo Montalban vs. Benedict Cumberbatch

Ricardo Montalban is, of course, a worldwide icon. And he cemented his legacy with the all-time classic film, "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan," where he seemed to be sporting a set of fake pecs made out of pure Corinthian leather. Still, Benedict Cumberbatch can bring the intensity like few actors of this or any other generation; seriously, the guy looks dangerously insane every time he opens his eyes. He may not have the suave charisma of Montalban — hey, who does? — but when it comes to exuding menace, Cumberbatch has few peers.

Our Pick: Benedict Cumberbatch (New "Trek")

Spock: Leonard Nimoy vs. Zachary Quinto

What's cool here is that these two have become good friends in real life. Have you guys seen that cool Audi commercial where they go head to head? They are so adorkable together! We're really tempted to call this one a draw, except, well, there's a reason Nimoy ended up winning in the commercial. Because he's awesome, that's why. And we have a feeling that Quinto would be more than happy to concede the title of Top Spock to Nimoy for as long as Nimoy wants it.

Our Pick: Leonard Nimoy (Old "Trek")

James T. Kirk: William Shatner vs. Chris Pine

This is probably the toughest to judge of all the match-ups. On the one hand, William Shatner is a living legend, having brought us not just Kirk but also T.J. Hooker, the Priceline Negotiator and a surprisingly nuanced singing career. Plus, have you ever seen the 1966 horror movie "Incubus"? It's entirely in Esperanto! But this isn't about how awesome Shatner is, it's about how cool James T. Kirk is, and we have to say that Chris Pine has taken a character who had slipped a little bit into caricature over the years and made him fresh and vital again. Honestly, we just can't pick a favorite. They are both great.

Our Pick: Tie! Yes, we copped out.

Final Score

The classic "Star Trek" crew edges out the new "Star Trek" crew by a score of 4-3-1. But the new "Trek" could easily reverse that result if they find something for Anton Yelchin's Chekov to do. In other words, this game may be over but the rivalry is just getting underway.

Lucasfilm Ltd.

Kids these days.

D.J., cue up that cringe-worthy Vitamin C song because it's graduation time again! Right now hundreds of thousands of 22-year-olds are currently being degreed up and sent off into the real world ... job market issues and excessive student loan interest rates notwithstanding, of course.

Thing is, class, this isn't your grandpa's Bachelor of Arts program anymore. Nowadays even the most esteemed colleges are catering their coursework offerings — in title, if nothing else — to pique the interest of their student pools.

Oh, you don't want that fifteenth Psych 101 session to get cut? Well give it some pizzazz already, teach!

Lo and behold, the movie world has been an academic boon in making that happen, and now students are traipsing across the stage with some pretty bizarre classes on their transcripts ... including these nine, very strange film-related ones. Consider us jeal of anyone who actually, like, legitimately for real got credit for these, the lucky little buggers.

9. 'Star Wars': A Complete Saga? — Univ. of N. Carolina, Wilmington

If you want to get real nerdy-derdy about the "Star Wars" film series, then Master Yoda Instructor Mika Elovaara is your man. His Graduate Liberal Studies 592 course investigates the whole "galaxy far, far away" and promises to straight up school you on all-things George Lucas ... and how the six movies are just a fragment of the "Complete Saga" that is the spacey franchise.

8. Science From Superheroes to Global Warming — Univ. of California, Irvine

Before signing up for this course, Professor Michael Dennin asks, "Have you ever wondered if Superman could really fly? What was Spider-Man's spidey sense? How did Wonder Woman's invisible jet work?" U.C. Irvine's Physics 21 course really wants to bridge the gap between the current comic-centric film revolution and what's going on with the more boring stuff in science like, say, global warming. Marvel-ous idea, we must say.

Warner Bros.

7. What if Harry Potter is Real? — Appalachian State Univ.

Oh em gee, can you even imagine? Potterheads among us can only dream of a visit to Hogwarts right now, but what if Platform 9 3/4 was a real thing? And what if witches and wizards really were duking it out in-between our two alternating realities, thusly deciding the fate of the entire muggle world once and for all? App. State's potions and dark arts-themed first-year seminar class draws from the "Harry Potter" series in evaluating issues like race, gender and penning scholarly essays. You know, it'd be a lot easier to crank out that term paper if they went ahead and gave students some of those neat-o magic quills, too.

6. Philosophy and 'Star Trek' — Georgetown

What does it mean to live long and prosper, we wonder? Seriously, in her Philosophy 180 class, Professor Linda Wetzel utilized the "Star Trek" series as way of slinging some knowledge on metaphysics and epistemology. So, basically, a little "I greet therefore I am" action, we're guessing? For three credits at Georgetown University (!!), students explored matters like "Could we go back and kill our grandmothers?" and "Is Data a person?"

5. American Superheroes: Power, Politics and Morality — Tufts University

In another instance making good on the Caped Crusader's relevance, Professor Matthew Pustz (author of "Comic Book Culture: Fanboys and True Believers") dares to explore another aspect of all this rampant "Iron Man" kid-costuming and what not. "What does the new-found popularity of superhero narratives tell us about American society at the beginning of the 21st century?" he wonders in the experimental one-credit course. It's a good question, and if we were up in Boston right about now, we'd be signing up for this bad boy instead of writing about it.

4. Invented Languages: Klingon and Beyond — Univ. of Texas, Austin

But of course there are students who wanna be able to recite sweet nothings to their, uh, Manti T'eo-esque girlfriends in Klingon. And U.T.'s Linguistics 312 class is here to serve ... sort of. While it's not an out-and-out instructional course on the odd "Star Trek" language, it does use the alien tongue as a vessel for exploring the history of Earthly languages.

Universal

3. Biology of 'Jurassic Park' — Hood College

This might be a case of bait-and-switchery, but if it's not, boy are the students of Hood College's Biology 110 section in for a "Jurassic Park"-sized thrill. No, they won't soon find themselves elbow-deep in dino droppings or comparing the velociraptor's little bark to the bedroom noises of tortoises, but they might just learn a little something or other about the sciences and behaviors of the long-dead creatures, much like Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler did on their little island trek. Two questions remain unanswered: Will they try to hatch a raptor egg as the final exam and is there a field trip to Universal Orlando's River Adventure involved?

2. Breaking the Rules: An Intellectual Discussion of 'Fight Club' — Oberlin College

The first rule of "Fight Club" is ... well, you know, and just like the course title suggests, instructor Elizabeth Campbell is totally willing to bend it in order to make use of Chuck Palahniuk's bloody masterpiece. Brought to you by the same school which offers classwork on "The Office" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," this Experimental College 467 business dares to "dissect" the satirical work and, gasp, compare the book to its resulting film.

1. Goldberg's Canon: Makin' Whoopi — Bates College

There's a lot to learn about Whoopi Goldberg and not just the fact that her birth name was Caryn Elaine Johnson (as one might suspect, her stage name comes from, yes, the whoopee cushion). Her life and career can serve to teach lessons on all kinds of things, like winning the coveted "EGOT" and life in communist East Germany. So, Bates College has offered up a rhetoric symposium on all things Whoopi Goldberg, with sessions like "What Part of Whoopi Is You?" and "Lesbian Whoopi and the AIDS Lie."

Paramount

"Star Trek Into Darkness" blasts into theaters (and, uh, darkness) this week and for most fans, it's a pretty damn exciting moment — all their favorite sci-fi heroes, finally back on the big screen, ready to save the future. Yee-hah.

But for some people, this whole "Star Trek" thing is still a bit of a mystery. So if you're one of those uninitiated that is curious about "Star Trek Into Darkness" but is intimidated by all the decades worth of baggage that comes along with the franchise, don't worry, because we're here to demystify "Star Trek" so you can go to the theater without a care in the world and see for yourself what the fuss is about.

It's a little something we like to call the Idiot's Guide to "Star Trek Into Darkness." Not that you're an idiot, of course. You're reading NextMovie.com, so that alone makes you elite. Still, here are a few things you will want to know, beginning with the beginning ...

[WARNING: HERE BE SPOILERS!]

What Is 'Star Trek'?

Created by Gene Roddenberry for television in 1966, "Star Trek" was pitched as a western that takes place in outer space. The idea was that the show would follow a group of explorers that was searching the stars for new worlds, alien races and pretty much whatever other craziness they could find. The crew of the starship Enterprise was basically a futuristic version of the Lewis and Clark expedition. Talk about your high concepts!

Who Are the Characters?

Paramount

The Enterprise is helmed by Captain James T. Kirk (played by William Shatner in the original series), with his second-in-command being the half-human, half-Vulcan science officer Spock (Leonard Nimoy). They are joined by Dr. Leonard McCoy (DeForest Kelley), engineer Scotty (James Doohan), communications officer Lieutenant Uhura (Nichelle Nichols), helmsman Hikaru Sulu (Facebook icon George Takei) and ensign Pavel Chekov (Walter Koenig) ... plus a bunch of random guest star fodder known for wearing red shirts and dying at an alarming rate.

What Happened In The Original 'Star Trek'?

The classic "Star Trek" TV show ran for three seasons before being cancelled by NBC. It immediately went into syndication and gained a worldwide cult following, the members of which became known as Trekkies (or Trekkers, or any variation thereof). The show's retroactive popularity spawned a feature film in 1979; it proved so popular that nine sequels followed, with the final (-ish) entry, "Star Trek: Nemesis," being released in 2002. The franchise also spun off several hit TV shows, including "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (1987-1994), "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" (1993-1999), "Star Trek: Voyager" (1995-2001) and "Star Trek: Enterprise" (2001-2005).

Why Was 'Star Trek' Rebooted?

With the original cast aging (and several have sadly passed away at this point), the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" took over the film series with the seventh installment, 1994's "Star Trek: Generations." Diminishing box office returns ("Star Trek: Nemesis" only managed to bring in $68 million worldwide) along with rising costs for stars like Patrick Stewart, who had become an A-lister thanks to his role in "X-Men," eventually forced parent company Paramount to shut things down. And with no new "Star Trek" shows in production, another generational swap was out of the cards. Something more drastic had to be done.

What Happened In the New 'Star Trek'?

Paramount

Faced with over 40 years of mythology and continuity — a pretty big entry bar for potential new fans — new director J.J. Abrams decided to do that drastic something by chucking most of it out the window. In the 2009 series reboot "Star Trek," time travelers (including Leonard Nimoy's Spock) accidentally created an alternate universe — as a result, the movie featured younger versions of all the classic characters from before anything from the original series had ever happened, meaning it was basically a totally fresh start. At the end of the film, Earth was saved (though Vulcan was destroyed) and a rebellious young Kirk (now played by Chris Pine) proved himself worthy of command as a Starfleet captain.

Are All the Stars Back For 'Star Trek Into Darkness'?

Yep. And that means fans will get a chance to see how Kirk's developing friendship with the very prickly younger Spock (Zachary Qunito) evolves, not to mention Spock's own romantic relationship with the highly competent and extremely ambitious Uhura (Zoe Saldana). Also returning are Simon Pegg as a more comedic version of Scotty, Karl Urban as the cynical Dr. McCoy, John Cho as the heroic Sulu and Anton Yelchin as the apparently superfluous Chekov (seriously, give him something to do this time, please). Even Nimoy is back as the elder Spock, despite his own claims to be retired; hey, some things you just can't retire from.

Who Is Khan?

Paramount

In the original series, Khan Noonien Singh (played by the legendary Ricardo Montalban) was a genetically engineered tyrant from the 20th century who was revived in the 23rd century and attempted to impose his vision of a better tomorrow on ... tomorrow. He famously came back for the aptly titled "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan," considered by most Trekkies to be the best "Star Trek" movie ever. In "Star Trek Into Darkness," a new version of Khan is played by Benedict Cumberbatch; just what his beef is with Starfleet is too big a spoiler to reveal, but let's just say that this version of the character is just as big a jerk as the original.

Why Is 'Star Trek Into Darkness' Set On Earth?

So, considering "Star Trek" is, you know, supposed to be a trek into the stars, it may seem odd that pretty much all the trailers and posters and whatnot heavily revolve around action that takes place on or directly above Earth. That's because this new, vengeful Khan is trying to strike back at the benevolent Federation of Planets, which is headquartered on Earth. Specifically, he's really got it in for Starfleet, which is housed in San Francisco, hence all the shots of the Golden Gate Bridge and stuff in the previews. Don't worry, though; the first "Star Trek" reboot also revolved around a plot to mess up Earth and it ended up featuring plenty of deep space action, so your sci-fi fix is assured.

Where Does 'Star Wars' Fit Into All This?

For the past 35 years, "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" fans have had a not-so-friendly argument over which series is better. Some fans even thought that J.J. Abrams ruined "Star Trek" four years ago by making it too much like "Star Wars." Now, though, the two franchises are sharing Abrams, as the director has agreed to helm the upcoming "Star Wars: Episode VII." So with Abrams bringing the two biggest science fiction fanbases of all time together at last, does that mean there will be peace at Comic-Con? We'd have to really be idiots to believe that.

Getty Images

Separated at birth? Long-lost twins? Vague coincidence? It's all possible when actors look so alike they could be siblings.

Is that Zachary Quinto, the Chief Science Officer of "Star Trek Into Darkness," running from the horror of "Aftershock"? Ah, no, at second glance, that's actually Quinto's doppelganger, Eli Roth, the man who gave us "Cabin Fever" and shot Hitler full o' holes in "Inglourious Basterds."

Anyway, with "Aftershock" and the new "Trek" being released back-to-back, we figured this was the perfect time to match up our favorite Hollywood doubles as they compete for roles, attention and DNA. It's like looking into a mirror!

If you think your eyes are starting to play tricks on you, think of this like that Olsen Twins movie "It Takes Two," but without Steve Guttenberg.

Leighton Meester & Minka Kelly

Luscious "Gossip Girl" star Meester might be "Country Strong," but she more than met her match in Minka Kelly, who shone on "Friday Night Lights" as the lovely Lyla Garrity. The two of them actually got to face off, "Single White Female"-style, in 2011's horror thriller "The Roommate," when they entered freshman orientation together — but only one came out alive. Easy, ladies!

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Logan Marshall-Green & Tom Hardy

After the one-three punch of "Bronson," "Inception" and "Warrior," Tom Hardy was the hunk du jour in Hollywood, but now a nearly identical upstart is nipping at his heels. After treading the boards Off- (and occasionally Off-Off-) Broadway, relative newcomer (and NextFactor highlight) Logan Marshall-Green began wriggling his way to the big time last summer via Ridley Scott's "Prometheus." Of course, Hardy's Bane in "The Dark Knight Rises" could probably throat-punch an alien to death with his eyes closed.

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Carey Mulligan & Michelle Williams

It's all about the gorgeous swan-like necks. Carey and Michelle could not be more different as actors; the former has an old-school, boisterous lightness while the latter, in both real life and on film, is introspective, reserved, even ethereal. We almost did a double-take in 2011 when Mulligan was seen on screen with Williams' "Blue Valentine" sweetheart Ryan Gosling in "Drive."

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Javier Bardem & Jeffrey Dean Morgan

In their signature roles as Anton Chigurh in "No Country For Old Men" and The Comedian in "Watchmen," respectively, Bardem and Morgan pull off striking, bull-in-a-china-shop characters whose moral compasses have long since been flushed down the toilet. Oddly, strewn across their paths of destruction we find very real human fragments to latch onto ... and that's not on the page, it's in the performances. Still, we wouldn't want to run into either of these tough customers in a dark alley.

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Josh Duhamel & Timothy Olyphant

These doppelgangers have yet to cross paths on screen, but when they do, it's sure to be electric. Olyphant first captured our attention as the lead in HBO's foulmouthed fan-favorite "Deadwood," then graduated to playing men of dubious intent in flicks like "Live Free or Die Hard." Duhamel is more the average all-American Joe type, playing a soldier for the "Transformers" trilogy and romantic leads in fluff like "Safe Haven." Does the U.S. Marshal on "Justified" need a half-brother?

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Teresa Palmer & Kristen Stewart

Palmer has nearly nabbed roles in "Justice League," "Mad Max" and the "Spider-Man" movies, but this talented blonde will forever be in the shadow of her movie duplicate, Kristen Stewart. Despite different hair, they share a shocking resemblance. Palmer may be catching up to Stewart, though, as she recently starred as a human who swoons over a member of the undead (a zombie this time, in "Warm Bodies").

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Penélope Cruz & Paz Vega

When you first saw "Spanglish" (if you did at all), you might have been wondering how they decided to pair Penélope Cruz with Adam Sandler, of all people. Well, after careful examination of the credits, turns out it wasn't Cruz at all — *SHOCK* — but another gorgeous Spanish actress, Paz Vega. Only two years apart, these two need to get Pedro Almodóvar to write a movie where they're sisters, pronto. C'mon, Pedro, maybe sisters with a gay transvestite mother, hmm?

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Michael Cera & Jesse Eisenberg

When did nerds stop seeking revenge on their jock oppressors and start warring amongst each other? Okay, so technically these two haven't directly engaged in combat, verbal or Thunderdome-style ... but there are still many who believe that when it comes to Cera & Eisenberg, two men enter, one man leaves. Despite the current Jesse-positive climate thanks to that little "The Social Network" movie and the upcoming "Now You See Me," these are both super-young dudes with plenty of awkwardness left to give.

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Chris Hemsworth & Chris Pine

Playing father and son in 2009's "Star Trek" may have tipped these two Chrises off that they kinda sorta look alike. Hemsworth made his film debut playing James T. Kirk's ill-fated papa George for a scant few minutes, but it gave him the oomph he needed to impress the Marvel brass to pin him as The God of Freakin' Thunder, "Thor." Pine had to delicately dance around the iconic Shatner characterizations to make the Starship Enterprise his own, but he did, and has been unstoppable ever since.

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Zachary Quinto & Eli Roth

Pine's pointy-eared shipmate Spock was almost always a lock for Quinto, whom fans immediately pegged as a dead-on lookalike for Leonard Nimoy after he made his name on "Heroes." But Zachary also resembles our favorite bloodthirsty writer-director Eli Roth. When he's not hanging out in cabins or hostels, Roth occasionally moonlights on-screen for pals like Quentin Tarantino, for whom he relished machine-gunning Hitler in "Inglourious Basterds."

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Zooey Deschanel & Katy Perry

Now that Katy Perry is acting (she played super-hot Smurfette in "The Smurfs") and divorced from a famous husband, there may literally be nothing that separates her from her big-eyed mirror-image, Zooey Deschanel. Though Perry may be the bigger musical superstar for now, the swoon-worthy "New Girl" has been known to belt it out when she performs as one-half of She & Him, so watch out, Katy.

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Alan Cumming & Paul Reubens

And speaking of Smurfs, we finally found two fellas who have come to terms with their lookalike status by agreeing to be in the same movie. In "The Smurfs" Reubens played the gag-gifting Jokey Smurf, while Cumming portrayed the newest character, Gutsy Smurf. Although these were voice-only roles, it was only a matter of time before these two get together for realsies (like they did at the "Pee-Wee" premiere on Broadway). Maybe if the show reopens, Cumming could appear as the depressive younger brother, WeePee Herman, who cries a lot?

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Originally published February 2, 2011.

Until we totally did.

It's one of those can't-unsee-once-you-see situations, but it's cool. There's just no arguing with it — the man wears a pink suit, for crying out loud.

Here are 10 memes that will forever unite Tina Fey's classic high school comedy (and Lindsay Lohan's finest work, sigh) and F. Scott Fitzgerald's great American novel in your mind.

Love ya! (Kiss kiss.)

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Greetings from the apocalypse! This is an exciting week for me, since I'm making my art gallery debut and all — I'm celebrating with two docs covering cool artistic subcultures (gig posters and tattooing), as well as a hella ton of Mother's Day recommends. Let's get to it, shall we, old sport? Yep yep.

Friday, May 10

Warner Bros.

POW! IN THEATERS
Glam filmmaker Baz Luhrmann's reimagining of F. Scott Fitzgerald's timeless Jazz-age romance "The Great Gatsby" looks like my 11th grade book report had sex with a disco ball, but that's par for the course. Luhrmann had previously razzle-dazzled "William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet" and reunites with Leonardo DiCaprio as enigmatic rich dude Jay Gatsby, clinging to the memory of a past dalliance with Daisy Buchanan (Carey Mulligan). Clinging tragically, that is … What? Hey, it's an 88-year-old book, the statute of limitations on spoilers ran out quite a few decades ago. You can watch Gatsby die in 3-D, appropriate since critical consensus points to this old sport being the first box office casualty of the summer.

NETFLIX RECOMMENDS WITH A VENGEANCE
While words like "restrained" and "subdued" aren't part of Baz Luhrmann's vocabulary, they aptly describe the previous 1974 attempt at "The Great Gatsby" starring '70s golden boy Robert Redford, available on Netflix Streaming. Come for the lingering shots of palatial mansions and longing gazes, stay for the erudite bon mots and racism. Woody Allen's ex-muse Mia Farrow plays Daisy, while the screenplay was adapted by none other than "The Godfather" director Francis Ford Coppola.

*SPECIAL EVENT*
Speaking of lavish parties, my pals over at Bottleneck Gallery in Brooklyn, NY are throwing a humdinger tonight as they open their latest movie-themed art show "I Love You Man" from 7-10pm. You can get your bromance on with depictions of cinema's best buds, including "Three Amigos," Han and Chewie of "Star Wars" and Jules and Vincent of "Pulp Fiction," among many others. Those who attend opening night get first dibs on limited prints, which go online for purchase tomorrow (the 11th) at noon, and YOURS TRULY has a piece in this show as well, from a certain classic Steven Spielberg movie. As fellow artist James Franco would say, "Look at all my S**T!"

Netflix

NETFLIX RECOMMENDS WITH A VENGEANCE
If you want to get clued-in to the hubbub surrounding the current poster subculture, then spend 80 minutes with some of the darlings of the scene via the new doc "Just Like Being There," available on Netflix Streaming. Despite some annoying sound issues, I found this to be an exemplary look at how gig posters capture the spirit of an event, be it a Nada Surf concert or a special Mondo secret screening of "Dawn of the Dead." Awesome artists like Jay Ryan, Daniel Danger and others share their inspirations for flatstock imagery at its finest. Dig it.

Saturday, May 11

YOU DOWN WITH VOD?
All my readers with some ink will want to hit up Yekra to stream (or order on DVD) the new documentary "Tattoo Nation," this week's heartily recommended "Survivor of Thunderdome." It focuses on homegrown American tattoo styles, from black and grey guitar-string prison tattoos to the beautiful color work done by Ed Hardy and company, as well as how Chicano culture shaped what became the archetypal styles of the medium. The highlight is definitely cinematic badass Danny Trejo ("Machete") showing off his tats and accompanying his daughter to get inked. Now that's a cool dad.

BASIC CABLE BLUES
What better pairing with a tattoo doc than a movie where two guys get tanked and wake up with tats, asking themselves "Dude, Where's My Car?" at 10:30 a.m. on FX. The tats in question say "DUDE" and "SWEET," leading to one of the most hilarious miscommunication bits since "Who's on first?" Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott play the leads, before the weight of the world crushed their spirits.

Orion

THE CON IS ON
This is a good weekend for autograph hounds. The Port City Pop Con in Wilmington, North Carolina has Michael Biehn from the likes of "Aliens," "The Terminator," "Planet Terror," et al. If that wasn't enough you also got Ghostbuster extraordinaire Ernie Hudson, Hellboy's skinny buddy Abe Sapien i.e. Doug Jones, Dee Wallace (Elliott's mom from "E.T.") and Richard Edson from motherf**cking "Stranger Than Paradise" … HELLS YEAH!!!

Meanwhile, Virginia is for lovers, but Virginia Beach is for horror as Blood on the Beach reigns in ten actors from "The Devil's Rejects," a "Friday the 13th Part VII" reunion, Doug Bradley a.k.a. Pinhead from "Hellraiser" and the first con appearance from Michael Rappaport. Oh, and lest we forget, former underage porn queen/John Waters regular Traci Lords. Pretty sure she's legal now.

Sunday, May 12 (Mother's Day)

Universal

NEW ON BLU
Why not kick off this Mother's Day with the wildly apropos Blu-ray release of this year's horror hit "Mama." I loved the hell out of this old-fashioned ghost yarn from producer Guillermo del Toro when it dropped in January, with Jessica Chastain all sexily punked out and giving a nasty female specter what for. Gotta hand the filmmakers mad props for following through on an ending that is, while immensely satisfying, not AT ALL what you would expect from a PG-13 studio programmer.

HULU HEAVEN
"If life gives you lemons, make lemonade; if life gives you assholes, make a Troma movie." Truer words were never spoken, James Gunn, and why not harken back to the golden era (more like golden shower era) of skeezy old Troma Studios with the cult classic "Mother's Day" (1980), available on HULU fo free, yo. From its skuzzball synth score to choppy editing to truly bizarre performances, this slasher entry has a deranged old hag (Rose Ross) and her hillbilly sons getting their rocks off by torturing three young ladies on a camping trip. It's standard rape revenge fare given a cocaine-enhanced edge of pure concentrated weirdness. Watch it in its entirety below:

BASIC CABLE BLUES
If you're looking for a Mother's Day movie you can actually watch with your mom, why not give the Oscar-winning cuteness of "Juno" a try at 9 a.m. on Oxygen. Adorably sardonic high schooler Ellen Page gets knocked up and opts to give her bun in the oven up to an adoptive couple (Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner), despite lingering feelings for her unlikely baby daddy (Michael Cera). Director Jason Reitman and writer Diablo Cody made their mark with this cutesy feminist-friendly love story, but their darker collaboration "Young Adult" is much, much better IMHO.

Paramount

PAY CHANNEL PAYBACK
It wouldn't be a proper Mother's Day without an unbridled celebration of child abuse, thus IFC is running the 1981 camp fest "Mommie Dearest" four times in a row from noon through 11 p.m. Faye Dunaway plays screen idol Joan Crawford as an OCD bat outta hell, tormenting her young daughter to an inch of her life. "I told you! No wire hangers, ever!"

R.I.P. RAY HARRYHAUSEN
Finally, I just want to pay a quick remembrance to a man that inspired me and innumerable other geeks, dweebs and fantasy nerds with his boundless imagination. You will be missed, Ray Harryhausen, and I won't forget that one afternoon at a theater in Jersey City showing "Jason and the Argonauts" when you took a few minutes out of your day to sign my sketchbook and give me encouragement. See you in the clouds, sir.

As I ride off into the distant horizon, here's wishing you fellow weekend road warriors the best outing possible from this burnt-out, blighted wasteland. Enjoy your fast Internet, clean-ish movie theaters, plentiful gasoline and all the comforts of home, for this world lives now only in my memories …

You can follow renegade movie journo and filmmaker Max Evry on Twitter, and check out his bitchin' DeviantArt gallery while you're at it.

Warner Bros.

F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel "The Great Gatsby" was first published in April 1925 and has since gone on to be read by millions of high school students around the globe, proclaimed as the second-best English language novel by the Modern Library (right behind James Joyce's "Ulysses") and all in all a brilliant depiction of the Roaring Twenties and a scathing deconstruction of post-WWI American idealism.

The novel has to date been adapted for the screen five times, with the most famous arguably being the 1974 version directed by Jack Clayton, adapted by Francis Ford Coppola and starring Robert Redford as Jay Gatsby. The most recent adaptation is directed by Baz Luhrmann, the boisterous showman who brought us highly theatrical yet also richly cinematic party movies like "Romeo + Juliet" and "Moulin Rouge!" It's also the first version to be in 3-D.

So how would Fitzgerald himself feel about his Great American Novel being adapted for the third dimension? We caught up with him to find out. Yes, the following conversation actually happened — believe it, old sports.

[F. SCOTT FITZGERALD meets NextMovie's Nick Blake at a diner on Route 17 in New Jersey]

NICK BLAKE: Scott, hello. Thanks for coming.

F. SCOTT FITZGERALD: Bully! But it's "F. Scott," actually.

NB: Oh. Wikipedia said ...wait, you make people call you "F. Scott"? Aren't you from Minnesota?

Warner Bros.

FSF: Sir, I'm the writer of "The Great Gatsby," one of the all-time greatest works of American fiction. You don't feel that I've acquired the right to have acquaintances call to me as I prefer? [laughs] You beautiful little fool.

NB: I'm 6'2". But fine. "Francis S" it is.

FSF: I'm afraid your witticisms amuse only you, old sport.

NB: That's what the comments sections say, except with more typos and offensive slurs. Listen: They're making another "Gatsby" movie. Slight correction: it's been made. It's done.

FSF: Movie, you say? Is that a moving picture?

NB: Moving picture, yes.

FSF: And is it a talkie?

NB: A talkie? Oh, um. Yes. There's talking.

FSF: [Heavy sigh]

NB: Well, if anything, I imagine anyone lucky enough to be your descendent reaps the financial rewards of such a project in some way.

FSF: Alas, the dead are not free to guzzle highballs while enjoying the dancing ebb and flow of a splendidly-constructed 280-foot yacht on Long Island Sound!

Warner Bros.

NB: ... Right. Besides, a 3-D movie based on your book is only going to serve to have those who had no previous desire ...

FSF: What is this now? A threety movie? Like a hellish marriage of "three" and "meaty"?

NB: What? What could that even ... no. A "3-D" movie. It's ... you probably won't like this much.

FSF: I've readied myself. Continue. 

NB: Basically, you wear blue and red-tinted plastic glasses amongst strangers, and the movie jumps out as if it's in front of you as opposed to projected on a screen. It literally means "three-dimensional."

FSF: Three-dimensional? What is this third dimension? Can you get there by trolley? Or do you have to take one of the Wright Brothers' famous flying contraptions?

NB: No, it's ... it's not a place.

FSF: [shakes head] So this is what Marty, Finchy, Short-Stack, Randolph, Stain-Face, Cipriani and I fought the Great War for. Moving pictures in the third dimension!

NB: To be fair, it looks really nice.

FSF: To be fair to whom? [sighs, looks at the ceiling] These short-winded elations of men will damn us all.

NB: You've been dead for 73 years.

FSF: Yes, well, the bottle is just as lethal, sadly.

[A Waitress approaches]

Waitress: What'll it be?

NB: Just a burger, medium, please.

FSF: I'll take your finest medallion of spring lamb saddled by a dash of cream of celery with toasties, and make it snappy, toots!

NB: Two burgers, please.

[The Waitress leaves]

Warner Bros.

FSF: So tell me, out of a sort of tender curiosity: What other bastardizations of my work do I have to behold? Who plays Carraway? Is it that fellow Chaplin? His face is sad and lovely.

NB: It's Tobey Maguire.

FSF: How utterly gay!

NB: Please keep it down. And I don't think so — he was in the "Pussy Posse." Anyway, Leonardo DiCaprio plays Gatsby, and the rapper Jay-Z recorded a song for it.

FSF: Old sport, I believe you just momentarily spoke in tongues. You blacked out and babbled "rapperjayzee" in the middle of your otherwise reasonable sentence.

NB: No. Rapping is like singing except it's faster and it rhymes. Jay-Z is the man's name. Like the letters J and Z.

FSF: [under his breath] Reserving judgment is a matter of infinite hope.

NB: Yeah, you probably wouldn't like him. He's a billionaire philanthropist from New York with humble roots who throws lavish parties and landed a beautiful woman who was probably out of his reach if it wasn't for his wealth.

FSF: Tell me more of this "K-C" fellow! Does he sail?

NB: [to Waitress] The check, when you get the chance.

Paramount/Sony/Lionsgate

Among circumstances that are devastating for you and awesome for everyone else, having a hot mom ranks near the top.

If it's you with the hot mom, there's nothing positive about it. You are the kid with the hot mom. Your friends could be asexual boy scouts and they'll still talk about how hot your mom is with relative frequency.

If it's your friend with the hot mom? A+! Congratulations! What a life bonus!

The children of the following ten movie characters have had to deal with a lot. Their (fictional) moms are incredibly sexy. Let's discuss.

10. Jennifer Coolidge in 'American Pie' (1999)

The thing that's unique about Coolidge and why she receives the honor of batting leadoff on this list is that she's not exactly "classically" MILF-hot in the sense of "Overall hot woman who also happens to have children" MILF-hot (yes, there are categories of MILF-hotness as of right now). Instead, what Coolidge brings is a lack of subtlety to the proceedings, which almost rates as much as general attractiveness when assessing MILF-sexiness. (That sentence isn't going on my resume.) There's no ambiguity: She will go for teenagers, and the fact that Coolidge is a hilarious comedic actress is the proverbial cherry on top. Plus, the term "MILF" itself was coined in her name. Well done, Jen.

9. Diane Lane in 'Unfaithful' (2002)

Diane Lane's role in "Unfaithful" was great at the time because it was equally beloved by critics and creep-shows alike. So whereas perverts in raincoats would permeate theaters across the country on sunny days to see Lane get down with Olivier Martinez in the movie, they could still subsequently pretend to discuss it on a "Diane Lane deserves the Oscar! She was fantastic!" level in public amongst their more straight-edge friends. It was a win-win for everybody. Also ... holy hell Diane Lane in this movie. Jesus H.

8. Kim Basinger in '8 Mile' (2002)

Poor B-Rabbit. Not only does no one from the hood believe in his rap skillz, but he also has to deal with the fact that he has the hottest mom in the trailer park and the truly horrifying Michael Shannon was among those who noticed. Not fun. The most surprising thing about "8 Mile" wasn't Eminem's previously-unheralded acting abilities; it was the lack of dialogue amongst Rabbit's friends about Basinger's sexiness. They would have been all over that — or at least some sort of question along the lines of, "So if you guys are broke trailer trash, how come your mom has a $700 haircut?"

7. Maria Bello in 'A History of Violence' (2005)

Bello's sexiness is kind of lost in the shuffle of a really good movie in "A History of Violence." You're often too busy doing other things to notice Bello, like trying to figure out if Viggo Mortensen is who he seems: an actual human versus a real-life fully-grown Pinocchio doll (BURN jk luv u Viggo). But then director David Cronenberg makes you remember with two different "Whoooaaa" scenes, both to break up the "Holy s**t everyone might die in a hail of bullets at any moment" vibe of the movie and to say "And BTW yes I know I have Maria Bello in my movie; everyone calm down." We're calm, Dave. Jeez.

6. Eva Mendes in 'Training Day' (2001)

Denzel Washington's character in "Training Day" may have done a lot of bad things and made a lot of poor choices, but Eva Mendes wasn't one of them. (And while we're here, so as to pull back on the perv-status of this entire article for a second, the kid who played their son was adorable. Okay, back to discussing naked chicks.) It almost made you feel bad for Denzel as he was lit up by the Russkies at the end of the movie — not only did he lose his life, but he never gets to spend any "alone time" with Eva ever again. Life is sad sometimes, guys.

5. Halle Berry in 'Monster's Ball' (2001)

Hoooooooohhhh boy, Halle Berry. Yikes. Because of "Monster's Ball," Berry has a real, actual answer to the normally demeaning-but-facetious "You got an Oscar? Who'd you have to screw to get that?" question: "Billy Bob Thornton, actually. But it was fake." Or was it? How surprised would you be, exactly, if it wasn't? Also, how grossed out? Side note: Billy Bob was rolling pretty f**king well in 2001, no? "Boy, that was some great morning sex, Angie, but I gotta run out and get paid to get naked with Halle Berry now. Back at six for dinner!" Yes, it was disgusting at the time, and it's disgusting now.

4. Jane Seymour in 'Wedding Crashers' (2005)

See? Even when the children are all girls, it's still not fun to have a hot mom, e.g., when she corners your future husband in his bedroom and asks him to squeeze her brand new boobs. And also, see? It's still great for the rest of us! I feel like Seymour was introduced to a brand new generation of people as a MILF in "Wedding Crashers," which is not to say nobody my age knew she could bring it, so to speak, but ... actually, yes, it is to say that, now that I think about it. She was throwing heat in that movie, and she's still at least painting the corners at 91 or 92 MPH in her current run of "Open Heart Pendant" commercials for Kay Jewelers.

3. Demi Moore in 'Striptease' (1996)

We're not sure "Striptease" was about anything more than Demi Moore at the height of her career saying, "Hey, I'm super hot and I'd like a movie where I play a character with noble intentions who nonetheless is naked all the time, if that's possible" and Hollywood's most easily-influenced producers (also known as just "producers") saying "Sure!" And that was fine with all of us, too. She's still quite attractive these days as well, I might add, if not quite good enough for a certain star of a s**tty CBS sitcom.

2. Angelina Jolie in 'Beowulf' (2007)

The great thing about adapting books or graphic novels or video games or poems or Don Henley songs to movies is that you don't have to stay true to the source at all so long as you keep the title and the names of some of its characters. Take Angelina Jolie as Grendel's Mother in "Beowulf," for example. Does it say anywhere in the original poem that Grendel's Mom had anything close to Angelina Jolie's body? No. Did the film's producers still cast Jolie and only lightly touch up her naked body (her character's wardrobe) in post so as not to have an NC-17 movie and a mess on their hands (pun intended)? You bet. It's a great country.

1. Anne Bancroft in 'The Graduate' (1967)

Yes, the "MILF" was coined by John Cho in "American Pie" because of Coolidge, but everyone and their mother acknowledges that the first true MILF was indeed Anne Bancroft, who took a trip to Poundtown with a young Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate." Bancroft was also (of course) the influence to Simon and Garfunkel's classic "Mrs. Robinson," and with all due respect to Coolidge, Simon and Garfunkel have never written a song about her (unless you count their 1987 power ballad, "Stifler's Mom."**) Even posthumously, Bancroft rules the roost.

**Doesn't exist

Warner Bros.

Everyone seems just as pumped for the Jay-Z-produced soundtrack for "The Great Gatsby" as they are for the flick itself.

But before we look ahead at what The Hova has in store for what we can only imagine will be the coolest-ever soundtrack to something you were forced to read in high school, let's look back at some of the all-time great movie songs.

20. Three 6 Mafia: 'Hard Out Here For a Pimp' ('Hustle & Flow')

Three 6 Mafia took home the Oscar for Best Original Song for this jam that confirmed what we had all already suspected: Pimpin' ain't easy. Terrence Howard and Taryn Manning's performances in "Hustle & Flow" were stellar, but there's little doubt that Three 6 Mafia's Oscar appearance, combined with host Jon Stewart's verbal Oscar tally ("Three 6 Mafia 1, Martin Scorcese 0") is what everyone remembers most about the movie.

19. Ray Parker Jr.: 'Ghostbusters' ('Ghostbusters')

Hypnotically catchy beat or blatant ripoff? Well, probably both. After human '80s embodiment Huey Lewis passed on writing a song for "Ghostbusters," Ray Parker Jr. stepped in and delivered a tune that sounded suspiciously like Lewis' "I Want a New Drug." Lewis sued and the case was settled out of court. Either way, Ray Parker Jr.'s theme assured both then-present and future generations that whenever someone asked the question "Who you gonna call?" at least one hi-larious jokester would answer accordingly.

18. Henry Mancini & Johnny Mercer: 'Moon River' ('Breakfast at Tiffany's')

Since it was crooned by Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "Moon River" has been recorded by, well, pretty much everyone. But before it was the ubiquitous standard it is today, it was written by Johnny Mercer and Henry Mancini specifically to fit Hepburn's vocal range. "Moon River" is probably the third most memorable thing about the film, just trailing Hepburn's stunning beauty and Mickey Rooney's cringe-worthy portrayal of Mr. Yunioshi.

17. Simple Minds: 'Don't You (Forget About Me)' ('The Breakfast Club')

Simple Minds will forever be associated with "Don't You (Forget About Me)," perhaps the '80s-est '80s song of all time, made for the '80s-est '80s movie of all time, "The Breakfast Club." And the song will forever be associated with Judd Nelson's triumphant freeze-framed fist pump. Hey, if 1985-era Molly Ringwald was your new main squeeze, you'd be fist pumping, too.

16. Bruce Springsteen: 'The Wrestler' ('The Wrestler')

Just barely beating out "Streets of Philadelphia" for best Boss tune from a major motion picture, Springsteen's acoustic ditty for Mickey Rourke's comeback victory lap is quiet, melancholy and raw, just like Randy 'The Ram' Robinson himself.

15. Burt Bacharach and Hal David: 'Raindrops Keep Fallin' on my Head' ('Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid')

The happy-go-lucky "Raindrops" still seems a little out of place in a movie about 1890s train robbers, but it's hard to imagine "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" without it. Additional props to Bacharach and David for topping the charts with the song in 1970 — a time when delirious optimism wasn't all that groovy, man.

14. Kenny Loggins: 'Danger Zone' ('Top Gun')

While the "Top Gun" soundtrack delivered two synth-tastic hit songs, Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" is just a little too dentist-office-waiting-room-y for our purposes, so we'll go with "Danger Zone," the unrivaled anthem of cocky fighter pilots everywhere (RIP Goose). This one scores extra points for the out-of-nowhere sax solo at the end.

13. Survivor: 'Eye of the Tiger' ('Rocky III')

Before it was the go-to song for cliche montage parodies everywhere, "Eye of the Tiger" was the song for arguably the most famous montage of all time. Today, it still stands as the world's best tune to drink raw eggs and run up art museum steps to ... although we're not sure if we prefer the original or the "Team America: World Police" version.

12. Coolio: 'Gangsta's Paradise' ('Dangerous Minds')

It's probably fair to say that "Gangsta's Paradise" has outlasted "Dangerous Minds," the least hard movie about hard inner-city living to come out during the '90s. From the unforgettable synth beat to L.V.'s over-the-top delivery on the chorus and breakdown, "Gangsta's Paradise" is delicious mid-'90s rap goodness from top to bottom. The tune also notably inspired Weird Al to knock those smarmy Amish down a peg or two.

11. R. Kelly: 'I Believe I Can Fly' ('Space Jam')

Perhaps a little earnest for a movie about aliens playing basketball against wisecracking Looney Tunes characters and Michael Jordan, "I Believe I Can Fly" is still a total R. Kelly jam, and one of the choice songs for middle school graduations everywhere. Props to R. for advocating the power of positive thinking ten years before "The Secret" was on the shelves.

10. Radiohead: 'Exit Music (For A Film)' ('Romeo + Juliet')

Ah love, the loveliest of emotions. But Radiohead's opus "Exit Music (For a Film)" from Baz Luhrmann's "Romeo + Juliet" isn't about your average I-wanna-hold-your-hand type of love — we're talking I'll-poke-people's-eyes-out-if-people-even-glance-at-you crazy love, here. While the song probably isn't wedding-dance material, as a portrait of two lovesick puppies willing to kill to stay together, it fit "R + J" like a snug straightjacket.

9. The Bee Gees: 'Stayin' Alive' ('Saturday Night Fever')

"Stayin' Alive" is the ultimate callback to an era when clothes were tighter, voices were higher and facial hair was unironic. Really, as soon as the bassline drops you might as well be in the front seat of a DeLorean hurling towards 1977. The tune was a perfect theme for "Saturday Night Fever," a movie that is kinda about one young man's struggle to carve out an identity in New York City during the tumultuous '70s but is mostly just about John Travolta being really good at disco dancing.

8. Isaac Hayes: 'Theme From Shaft' ('Shaft')

Isaac Hayes doesn't so much sing on "Theme From Shaft" but rather simply describes in his inimitable Isaac Hayes voice the movie's titular character to a group of nameless, faceless, presumably sexy ladies who won't stand for his potty mouth. But that didn't stop "Shaft" from topping the charts in 1971, and it doesn't stop it from being the funkiest, sexiest, most blaxploitative song on this list.

7. Aimee Mann: 'Save Me' ('Magnolia')

Sparse, acoustic and gorgeous, "Save Me" was a perfect fit for Paul Thomas Anderson's oddball classic about regret, the power of coincidence and frogs' ability to totally mess up your weeknight plans.

6. Public Enemy: 'Fight the Power' ('Do the Right Thing')

Spike Lee commissioned "Fight the Power" for "Do The Right Thing," his 1989 drama about the lethal combination of racial tension and pressure cooker-esque New York City heat. The anti-authority anthem had a better fate than its boombox-blasting purveyor, Radio Raheem, later appearing on Public Enemy's "Fear of a Black Planet" in 1990 and continuing on as a battle cry against corruption to this day.

5. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova: 'Falling Slowly' ('Once')

Written for "Once," the musical love story for people who are way too cool for musical love stories, "Falling Slowly" is just about as pretty as songs get. In the movie, Glen Hansard's character teaches the song to Marketa Irglova's character in a music store, foreshadowing their not-quite romance (but hey, at least she got a piano out of the deal). If your heart didn't inflate Grinch-style when they took home the Oscar for Best Song in 2008, someone needs to check your chest cavity, you heartless person, you.

4. Elliott Smith: 'Miss Misery' ('Good Will Hunting')

"Miss Misery" might not immediately come to mind when you think of "Good Will Hunting," but Elliott Smith's sparse waltz — every bit as bleak as you'd expect — is a beaut. The song also resulted in one the most unforgettable images in Oscar History: the demure, mostly unknown Smith standing on stage alongside Celine Dion and Trisha Yearwood as "My Heart Will Go On" (duh) was announced as the winner for Best Song. We promise you, "Miss Misery" is the better tune.

3. Paul McCartney: 'Live and Let Die' ('Live and Let Die')

You could argue about the merits of McCartney's solo output all day, but there's no debating the quality of "Live and Let Die," an epic tune and a damn good James Bond theme. Guns N' Roses' suped-up version offers up some serious Slash shredding, but we'll take the frenetic McCartney original any day. There's a whole mess of Bond songs that you could argue for here (most notably "Skyfall" and any of Shirley Bassey's contributions), but "Live and Let Die" reigns supreme.

2. Eminem: 'Lose Yourself' ('8 Mile')

Eminem was at the top of his game and looking to conquer the silver screen and the rap charts when "8 Mile" was released in 2002. With its stadium-ready beat and lyrics about facing pressure and battling your demons, "Lose Yourself" was destined to become a hip-hop classic and the battle cry of early '00s high school basketball teams everywhere. As usual, Em didn't skimp on the vivid verbal imagery, which included an unnecessarily specific description of what a stain on his shirt consisted of. (Spoiler Alert: it's spaghetti vomit.)

1. Simon and Garfunkel: 'Mrs. Robinson' ('The Graduate')

Originally about Eleanor Roosevelt, the song only became "Mrs. Robinson" after director Mike Nichols was able to convince Paul Simon to change the lyrics to suit "The Graduate," his film about cougardom and the malaise of young adulthood. Besides being a flat-out unforgettable slice of Americana, "Mrs. Robinson" also marked one of the first times a pop group penned a song for a Hollywood movie ... as well as one of the first instances of athlete name-dropping in music.

Columbia Pictures

The visual effects department had to do a pretty bang-up job to make Joseph Gordon-Levitt look even remotely similar to a young yippee ki-yaying mother-f---er Bruce Willis in Rian Johnson's time-hopping "Looper," but since Hollywood's baddest, baldest ass-kicker was blessed with three daughters and no sons in real life, there wasn't much of a choice. Sure, all that pain and suffering ultimately paid off, but there are some people who've got it way, way easier.

For fellow action hero Will Smith, for example, his prime mini-me is his own son Jaden who doesn't need a stitch of prosthesis to pull it off because, you know, doy. The two star as, surprise surprise, father and son in M. Night Shyamalan's upcoming sci-fi thriller "After Earth," and we swear that the older Fresh Prince Jr. gets, the more of that Big Willie Style he inherits.

Surprisingly enough, they're not the only Hollywood-ites to mirror one another so closely across the generation space. LaLa Land Looperism is actually more common than ya might think, and we've got our lucky 13 favorites plucked out right here for your amazement.

1. Lily Collins & Jennifer Connelly

The casting director on "Stuck on Love" must've needed exactly zero minutes to knot together this mother-daughter pair for the indie family drama. The two adorably bush-browed brunettes share the same milky complexion, gazelle-esque body frames and delicate little poses. Oh, and they're both ridiculously gorgeous.

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2. Leelee Sobieski & Helen Hunt

Really, the biggest difference between these two — apart from the twenty-year age gap and one super-shiny Oscar — is the fact that the younger blonde pretty much refuses to smile for the camera, while the seasoned "Sessions" starlet knows good and well her career's just about "As Good As It Gets." See what we did there? Huzzah.

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3. Olga Kurylenko & Catherine Zeta-Jones

"Oblivion" is to "Entrapment" what "Quantum of Solace" is to "Ocean's Twelve." Got it? When it comes to these olive European knockouts, they've got so much more in common than flawless skin and tempered smiles; the two also reached the big stage by way of sultry action movie supportage.

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4. Penn Badgley & Mark Ruffalo

So much scruff, so little time. The up-and-coming "Gossip Girl" star is lingering somewhere near the cusp of heartthrob status, which is something his elder doppelganger can probably understand. While the "Marvel's The Avengers" star (and suggestive fan-fic enthusiast) has no shortage of admirers, he's usually brought onto a film's line-up as some sort of affable everyman.

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5. Brittany Snow & Reese Witherspoon

Apart from certain, ahem, recent behaviors, America's southern sweetheart has long held the crown of having the sunniest smile in Tinseltown, but Gen Y answered the call for a new adorable blonde on the block with this perky "Pitch Perfect" starlet.

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6. Josh Hartnett & Tommy Lee Jones

While Josh Brolin did a nice job in "Men in Black 3" and Grumpy Cat totally nailed it, the guy most likely to end up looking like the "Lincoln" star is "Lucky Number Slevin" himself.

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7. Emile Hirsch & Jack Black

Greased, overdue-for-a-trim hair swooped around willy nilly? Check. Three or four days gone without a shave? Uh-huh. Grim, "I'm so over it" expressions built squarely for the photoline? You betcha.

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8. Christina Ricci & Helena Bonham Carter

There was a time when the "Casper" darling was heading straight for Weirdsville where Bellatrix LeStrange herself has long made a home, but she's since opted for a more mainline approach to the industry. That doesn't change the fact that these two still share the same sizable forehead shape and stankface.

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9. Michelle Williams & Judi Dench

The Dame's got forty-six years on Glinda the Good Witch, but there's no denying those shared cheek bones and muted smirks. Not to mention those bitchin' bob 'dos.

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10. Elizabeth Olsen & Jennifer Aniston

The non-twin of the fam might look just like her famous sisters (except much healthier), but she's also got that certain girl-next-door vibe our great-haired "Friend" has been working for decades now. Not to mention that little button nose, star-gazey expression and wholesome demeanor are all dead-on.

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11. Emma Watson & Winona Ryder

The "Harry Potter" starlet is currently going for an adult persona upgrade, and the more sullen she gets, the more she's become the absolute spitting image of "Girl, Interrupted" herself. Both brown-eyed girls had that pixie 'do on lock, too.

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12. Jennifer Lawrence & Helen Mirren

One got her Oscar by playing a loose cannon nympho widow while the other got hers for becoming the Queen of England. Big diff. And it's pretty much the only diff between these two celebrated, respectable but still funky-enough-to-play-along debutantes.

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13. Colin Hanks & Tom Hanks

K, so this one's kind of a joke, but not really. Like the Smith brood, Tom Hanks' kid's foot is made to walk in his shoes, but he's treading lightly along the way. Sure, he looks like his pop broke the human bounds on reproduction and gave birth to him himself, and his attitude and mannerisms resemble daddy dearest to a tee, but .... oh, who are we kidding? They're the exact same person.

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Marvel

WARNING: HERE BE CRAZY SPOILERS.

If you are a living, breathing human being between the ages of four and 110, then it's almost a certainty that at some point this month, you'll be going to see "Iron Man Three." And not just once but probably several times.

That's because every Marvel film seems to be jam-packed with secret references, hidden jokes and insider Easter eggs designed to thrizzle even the most jaded movie or comic book fan. Forget that RunPee app that tells you when it's safe to leave the theater; in "Iron Man Three," every single second could hold an encrypted message teasing "Howard the Duck 2" or hinting at a crossover with Daredevil or something. Seeing "Iron Man Three" just once simply isn't an option; after all, it's more than a movie, it's a pop culture test you have to study for.

So in order to help you get the most out of your second trip to the theater, we've put together a guide to 7 Things You May Have Missed the First Time Around in "Iron Man Three." Because you don't want to be the one with Easter egg on your face.

1. Dr. Yinsen Lives!

Marvel

The film begins with a flashback to a 1999 conference in Bern, Switzerland, where Tony briefly meets and then blows off two fellow scientists, Dr. Yu and Dr. Yinsen. Dr. Yu has been getting most of the press, since his character is part of the film's China-only expanded release, but it's Dr. Yinsen who is of real interest to "Iron Man" fans. That's because Yinsen (Shaun Toub) is actually the same guy who saved Tony Stark's life at the beginning of the first "Iron Man" film back in 2008! Not only that, but in "Iron Man," Yinsen actually makes a direct reference to having met Stark previously at a conference in Bern, making the entire opening sequence of "Iron Man Three" one giant Easter egg. Now that's how you do it.

2. Just Who Is Tony Talking To?

In that opening sequence, we also get a voiceover from Robert Downey, Jr., who literally sets the scene for the movie by telling us the tale of everything that went down. But is he actually telling this story to us, the audience ... or is he talking to someone else? If you stick around for the credits, you'll find out the answer, because in one of Marvel's patented "secret" post-credit scenes, we discover that Tony is really telling the story to ... Dr. Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo) himself! It's a nice callback to the end of "Marvel's The Avengers," where the two of them drove off into the sunset together.

3. The Credits That Will Not End

Oh, and speaking of those credits, holy smokes. We thought they would literally never end. But there's a pretty good reason for that: Marvel is screwing with us. Knowing that fans would be sticking around to watch the credits, the producers dragged them out for a full ten minutes, listing not only every single person who even thought about working on the film, but some completely fictional crew members as well. Just check out the giant wall of text that comes up when they get to the special effects department and you'll notice at least one patently bogus name: Gwyneth Waltrow. How many other inside jokes are hidden in the credits? You'll have to watch them again and play your own game of Where's Waltrow? to find out.

4. The Hulkbuster

Marvel

At the climax of the film, Tony unleashes a veritable army of Iron Man suits. But while most of those suits barely get more than a brief cameo, one suit of armor in particular gets an extended closeup, as an immense Iron Man prototype comes running out of nowhere to hoist up a massive crane on its broad shoulders. In fact, the armor is so big and so strong, it resembles nothing so much as a metallic version of The Hulk — which is no coincidence at all, as the design is clearly based on Iron Man's Hulkbuster armor from the comics, which he created explicitly to fight and defeat The Hulk. So does the existence of the Hulkbuster suit presage a showdown between Stark and Banner in an upcoming movie? We sure as hell hope so!

5. Stan Lee, Cameo Artist

Spotting the cameo of Marvel's Chairman Emeritus Stan Lee has become a bit of a ritual for Marvel movie fans, as the legendary co-creator of Iron Man has made brief appearances in nearly every single superhero film based on Marvel characters in the past 15 years. Some are bigger than others, though, and this time around you may miss it if you're distracted — by, for instance, the beauty pageant swimsuit competition he's judging. Hey, what can you say — the ladies love Stan Lee as much as everyone else does.

6. The Secret of Modern Art

In previous installments of the "Iron Man" franchise, some of the coolest Easter eggs have been hidden in plain sight inside Tony Stark's high-tech lab (think Captain America's shield in the first two "Iron Man" films). And this time around is no different. Case in point: That weird big ball of twisted metal sitting in the background? It might appear to just be a random chunk of modern art, but look a little closer and you'll see that it's actually the mangled remnants of the Formula One race car Tony drove in "Iron Man 2." Nothing like a two-ton souvenir, right?

7. Giant-Size Man-Thing

Marvel

Though the movie is technically about Iron Man, a great deal of its DNA actually comes from a very different Marvel character: the mysterious Man-Thing. In the comics, you see, the cult hero called Man-Thing was originally a scientist who was doing top secret research on plants in the Everglades when his wife betrayed him to AIM. In desperation, he injected himself with his untested formula, only to discover it had seriously unexpected consequences. All of that, of course, is in "Iron Man Three," with AIM using a formula based on plant research to give people superpowers. Need more? Well, how about this: The female AIM agent (played by Stephanie Szostak) who battles Tony to the death midway through the film is named Ellen Brandt, who is best known to comics fans as Man-Thing's treacherous wife. The character even has the scar on her face she received fighting Man-Thing in the comics! So what does all this mean for a possible Man-Thing appearance in Phase Two? Only time will tell.

YouTube

Cosplay is always pretty awesome, but when people fuse their little ones with "Iron Man" it's a heart-melting metallurgical masterpiece indeed.

Tony Stark's in for some real trouble when his new foe The Mandarin traipses into town for "Iron Man Three," so things are bound to get pretty heavy with all the disaster-wreaking and revenge-seeking going down in theaters this weekend.

So, to energize the lighter side of things, as it were, here the absolute most smile-worthy "Iron" kids (no, not the vitamins, silly) ever. Brace for cuteness overload.

15. This little guy who wisely opted for the gunmetal grey get-up

[Shake the Salt]

14. This kid who has one awesome do-it-yourselfer

[Geek Crafts]

13. This 'Iron' father-son duo who laughed at the Stormtrooper team

[Reddit]

12. This 'Iron' child who got absolutely hooked up with this electrified suit

[Reddit]

11. This kid who has clearly become too cool to hang out with his fam

[Life of Dad]

10. This little killa who knows how to pick his best pals

[Google]

9. This lil' oh-so-squeezable dude

[Great Contradictions]

8. This kid who works with what he's got (i.e., some pretty rad shoes)

[Sunshine and Summer Breeze]

7. These kids who pretty much nailed the poses

[Kaylyn and Luke]

[Reddit]

[Jolly Toes]

[AmazonAws]

[Grace's Scrap Attic]

[Comics Blend]

[SF Gate]

6. This boss of a boy who knows exactly what's up

[Tumblr]

5. This studly fella who found himself a superhero-ette to lunch with

[Our House Their World]

4. This 'Iron' dude who totally doesn't have time for the media right now

[Sherry L Wilson]

3. This 'Iron' maiden

[Uproxx]

2. All of these awesome Comic-Con kids

1. This 'Iron' baby

Greetings from the apocalypse! Free Comics? An "Iron Man" sequel that doesn't suck? Genre festivals, eccentric painter docs and serial killer biopics? Have I been irradiated and gone to heaven? Nope, it's all happening man, it's all happening …

Friday, May 3

Marvel Studios

POW! IN THEATERS
As a raving fan of Shane Black and Robert Downey Jr.'s first collab, the neo noir comedy "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang," I had hoped that this director/star combo would hit it out of the park with "Iron Man Three." Well, frankly, Shane hit it out of the park and into the stratosphere, mesosphere, ionosphere, etc. Pulpy, groovy, bang-up fun, this is the best cinematic iteration of ol' shellhead yet, and while Joss Whedon got the quipy part right in "Marvel's The Avengers," this one perfectly balances the humor and the pathos that has defined the character since the first film. SO GOOD to see Downey out of the suit and kicking ass. I think this might be the first action movie since "Aliens" to deal head-on with a hero suffering PTSD from the preceding movie. They knew all the traps of bringing a cute kid in, and poked fun at every single one. Gwyneth Paltrow and Rebecca Hall both sizzle (in one case literally), elevating the female leads well beyond damsel in distress territory. The way big baddie The Mandarin is handled is probably gonna piss off hardcore fans, but bully on you Ben Kingsley, you are the coolest dude who ever lived.

HULU HEAVEN
The word "Extremis" may sound like some kind of advanced sports deodorant, but it's actually the near-invincible genetic technology that serves as Tony Stark's primary problem in "Iron Man Three." While the movie deviates significantly from the book, it doesn't stray far from the central ideas writer Warren Ellis and artist Adi Granov created for a 2006 run in the comics, all of which is brought to animated life in "Iron Man: Extremis." This series, available on HULU fo free yo, takes the entire graphic novel and simply animates Granov's art to give those too lazy … er, busy to read a chance to catch up and familiarize themselves with "IM3" characters like Aldrich Killian and Maya Hansen. Here's the first of six episodes below:

BASIC CABLE BLUES
Producer Kevin Feige and his Marvel geek brain trust got the ball rolling on their Movieverse in 2008 with "Iron Man" and "The Incredible Hulk," which air at 7 p.m and 1 p.m. respectively on FX. The first inklings of a cohesive series of crossover films can be found as Nick Fury and Agent Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D. hint at that Avenger Initiative, while a clever RDJ cameo in "Hulk" has Tony Stark looking pretty stoked about that team they're putting together. Both films strike a high note in terms of playing Marvel fun with just the right amount of verisimilitude, but if you're a glutton for punishment, you can also "enjoy" its lackluster, Mickey Rourketastrophe sequel "Iron Man 2" Sunday on FX at 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.

MGM

FESTIVAL SCHMESTIVAL
Robert Downey Jr. isn't the only one getting his hero on this weekend, since Entertainment Weekly's CapeTown Film Festival 2013 is turning red capes into red carpets. Hollywood's Egyptian Theatre has Snake Plissken himself, Kurt Russell, on hand to "Escape From New York" tonight at 7 p.m., while Saturday has three "May the 4th be with you!" screenings of "Return of the Jedi." Sunday is the real treat, with Neil Gaiman presenting "Coraline," Richard Donner never saying die for "The Goonies" and Monty Python madman Terry Gilliam appearing in-person for his dystopian masterpiece "12 Monkeys."

If you prefer your genre fare blood-caked and in as remote a location as possible, then the first-ever Stanley Film Festival is gonna be your jam May 2-5. Located in Estes Park, Colorado in the ominous shadow of the Rocky Mountains, this is the place that inspired both Stephen King's novel and Stanley Kubrick's movie of "The Shining." Actually, that film is shown on continuous loop on guest room televisions. This weekend they're showing it immediately following a screening of doc "Room 237" in a special free outdoor screening with Kubrick's assistant Leon Vitali present. Other creature features include "The Purge," "Black Rock," Elijah Wood's remake of "Maniac," "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane" and "V/H/S 2."

Saturday, May 4

Millennium

POW! IN THEATERS
Jeffrey Dahmer, 17 kills; lightweight. John Wayne Gacy, 33 kills; just clownin' around. Richard Kuklinski? This guy murdered well over 100 people, and possibly as many as 250. He was the Babe Ruth of whackin' people for the mafia, or just hobos/random guys off the street for practice. Finally someone has made a movie to memorialize this twisted sunuvabitch's legendary streak from 1948 and 1986, named after his affectionate moniker "The Iceman," since he liked to freeze bodies to disguise time of death. Psycho du jour Michael Shannon plays Kuklinski and Winona Ryder plays his unsuspecting wife, who didn't know the man who fathered her two lovely children was a murder MACHINE. Chris Evans plays his partner in crime and James Franco cameos as his most sadistic kill.

PAY CHANNEL PAYBACK
TV has more mafia hitmen than you can shake a stick at tonight, with Martin Scorsese's '70s Las Vegas epic "Casino" on Cinemax at 1:30 p.m., but that's just a setup for the main event: the Cable premiere of "Looper" on Starz at 9 p.m. (repeats at 7:40 a.m. Sunday). Rian Johnson's sci-fi Möbius strip pits futuristic mob ice man Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) against an older, balder version of himself (Bruce Willis), but that cool-sounding time travel premise is just a pretense for bigger ideas involving psychokinesis, predestination, memory and loss. If you didn't catch the BEST movie of last year, the time is NOW.

GET LIT!
Every year the comic book industry bands together to make the public at large more aware of their wares with a little somethin'-somethin' called Free Comic Book Day. All day today stores will have plenty of funny books up for grabs, including titles featuring movie heroes like Batman and Superman, "Marvel's The Avengers 2" villain Thanos and a de rigueur Dark Horse "Star Wars" book. Get 'em while they're hot, kids!

Newmarket

LOCAL EVENTURES
Feel the power of love tonight at the Castro Theatre in San Francisco, California where they're engaging a Flux Capacitor for an '80s time travel night Double Feature: "Back to the Future" and "Donnie Darko." Both take place at the ass-end of the Reagan-era when teenage loners (c'mon Marty McFly, what kind of teen hangs out with a wigged-out 70-year-old scientist?) used time travel to change people's fates for the better, or at least to avoid hallucinogenic rabbits. The double feature runs twice starting at 2:30 p.m. and 7 p.m,. or you can stay home from 2:10-8 p.m. since Encore is showing the entire "Back to the Future" trilogy.

For my East Coasters, at 3 p.m. today AFI Silver Theatre in Silver Spring, Maryland has three Buster Keaton shorts with live musical accompaniment by Alloy Orchestra, including Old Stone Face's screen debut in Fatty Arbuckle's "The Butcher Boy," playing a bloody surgeon in "Good Night, Nurse!" and playing every part (including the audience) in "The Play House."

Sunday, May 5

NETFLIX RECOMMENDS WITH A VENGEANCE
I recently caught the 2012 doc "Beauty is Embarrassing" on Netflix Instant, and damn if this wasn't one of the most enjoyable pieces of pure eye candy bliss my eyeballs have absorbed in a good long while! This week's much-recommended "Survivor of Thunderdome" chronicles Wayne White, a wackadoo from Tennessee who became one of the artistic geniuses behind "Pee Wee's Playhouse" in the '80s. After getting burnt out on television and music video work, he began a series of popular "word paintings" where he integrated 3D phrases into cheap landscape paintings, phrases like "STARF**KER" and "GOODLOOKINGPEOPLEHAVINGFUNWITHOUTYOU." He is awesome, see this doc, that is all. Period.

PAY CHANNEL PAYBACK
This is a comic book-y kinda weekend, but if Iron Man is too shiny for you let's take a trip to the sewer and get grimy as "Punisher: War Zone" decapitates your weekend at 6:30 p.m. on IFC. Though a massive bomb on release, this third (third!) attempt at bringing Frank Castle's brand of vengeance-dispensing to the screen has been building steam for cult reappraisal over the last few years. Chief among its defenders: jovial nerd supreme Patton Oswalt, who has held screenings and appeared on podcast "How Did This Get Made?" with director Lexi Alexander, where he exclaimed the virtues of Ray Stevenson's pudgier take on the character, and that "There are scenes that look like they smell bad, and I mean that as a compliment!"

Fox

YOU DOWN WITH VOD?
It's staggering to think that Martin Scorsese hasn't worked with his actor muse Robert De Niro in nearly twenty years since "Casino," but perhaps the most overlooked item in their filmography together is 1982's vicious satire "The King of Comedy." In honor of its 30th Anniversary, De Niro presented a newly restored version of the film at his Tribeca Film Festival, and now it's available in Digital HD for the first time on iTunes. De Niro plays Rupert Pupkin, a fanatic comedy dweeb who gets his shot at the big time when he kidnaps Johnny Carson-esque Jerry Langford (Jerry Lewis). It's a scathing indictment of the cult of celebrity, one which seemed far more ludicrous before the advent of Snooki.

As I ride off into the distant horizon, here's wishing you fellow weekend road warriors the best outing possible from this burnt-out, blighted wasteland. Enjoy your fast Internet, clean-ish movie theaters, plentiful gasoline and all the comforts of home, for this world lives now only in my memories …

You can follow renegade movie journo and filmmaker Max Evry on Twitter, and check out his bitchin' DeviantArt gallery while you're at it.

Marvel

Sometimes when fans go to see superhero movies they already know in advance everything there is to know about the bad guy. After all, everyone's familiar with The Joker or Lex Luthor. However, sometimes the bad guy is some relatively obscure figure known only to scholars of the source comic book — you know, like Bane or Thanos or Parallax.

So, for many fans, the biggest question heading into — and coming out of — "Iron Man Three" is this: Who the heck is this nefarious shadowy fellow who calls himself The Mandarin?

Hey, glad you asked. Otherwise this Mandarin Primer we just put together would have really been a waste of time.

In "Iron Man Three," The Mandarin is played by Sir Ben Kingsley. And he's apparently the leader of an international terrorist organization (remember that vague "Ten Rings" reference from the first "Iron Man" film?) who targets Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark as part of his latest diabolical scheme.

All of which has some basis in the original comics. Even the part where a Chinese villain is played by a very British actor.

Marvel

First debuting in the Iron Man strip back in 1964's Tales of Suspense #50, The Mandarin was the son of a Chinese father and a British mother. Orphaned at a young age, The Mandarin spent his father's fortune to train himself as an expert scientist and martial artist, kind of like an evil Batman.

Left broke, the obsessed Mandarin experienced a serious stroke of luck when he discovered a crashed spaceship, which is kind of like hitting the supervillain lottery. Using the alien technology he found on the ship, The Mandarin fashioned ten rings, each giving him a different power, such as telepathy and the ability to shoot beams of ice, fire and electricity. In other words, he can do everything Iron Man can do, only without a giant suit.

Naturally, The Mandarin has undergone a number of changes over the years as Marvel ditched most of the blatantly offensive remnants of his Yellow Peril inception. They've since emphasized his intelligence and the fact that unlike many supervillains he operates under a strict code of honor, always keeping to his word. He's also died a bunch of times and come back, sometimes with robotic hands or the rings fused to his spine, because, you know, comics.

So there you have it, a quick primer on the villain known as The Mandarin. Now go out there and enjoy yourself some superhero movie fun!

Marvel

Your mother always told you that math would be important. As it turns out — and we're not just saying this because it's Mother's Day and flowers are really expensive and we need to start sucking up now — she's right.

We just bet you didn't know that you'd need that math to decide what to see this coming month. From the party that won't stop in "The Great Gatsby" to superheroes galore in "Iron Man 3," here's your arithmetic-driven guide to May 2013, the official beginning of summer movie season.

May 2

Iron Man 3

May 10

The Great Gatsby

Peeples

May 15

Star Trek Into Darkness

May 17

Black Rock

Frances Ha

May 24

Before Midnight

Epic

Fast and Furious 6

The Hangover 3

May 31

After Earth

Now You See Me

Really, though, in movies, it's everywhere. And most likely, depending on the director, it's completely intentional. Yes, most of the directors you casually enjoy are actually perverted creep shows. Like Bruce Hornsby once so eloquently put it, that's just the way it is, folks. You had to learn sometime.

Don't believe us? Here are 20 not-so-subtle examples of phallic movie stills that will have you saying to yourself, "Wow, I didn't realize that Jean-Claude Van Damme with a Jheri curl could get any creepier."

'G.I. Joe: Retaliation' (2013)

'Full Metal Jacket' (1987)

'Hard Target' (1993)

'The Expendables' (2010)

'Planet Terror' (2007)

'Bonnie and Clyde' (1967)

'Conan the Barbarian' (1982)

'Machete' (2010)

'Green Lantern' (2011)

'Skyfall' (2012)

'Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope' (1977)

'Jaws' (1975)

'King Kong' (1933)

'TRON: Legacy' (2010)

'The Amazing Spider Man' (2012)

'Tank Girl' (1995)

'A Clockwork Orange' (1971)

'Drive' (2011)

'King Kong' (again)

'Gladiator' (2000)

Marvel

When the first trailers for "Iron Man 3" hit the interwebs a few months ago, one thing jumped out at fans right away: The debut of Iron Patriot, which is basically a suit of Iron Man armor painted to look like the American flag. Seriously, just when you thought Iron Man couldn't get any cooler, this thing comes along, smashing evil ideologies with the fist of superhero righteousness. U-S-A! U-S-A!

But that kind of got us thinking: Why do we need an Iron Patriot? Isn't Iron Man himself patriotic enough?

With that in mind, we decided to take a look at some of cinema's biggest superheros and rank them from least patriotic to most patriotic — because while truth and justice are nice, you can't have the whole package without The American Way.

8. Thor

So, here's something you should know about Thor: He's not actually human. And technically he's not from our planet at all, hailing instead from the mythical realm of Australia Asgard (sorry, Chris Hemsworth). Now, Thor is quite devoted to his home of Asgard, so in that sense he is patriotic to a degree. But when it comes to the nations of Earth, frankly, we're not sure he even knows his Asgard from his elbow. After all, the dude is an immortal god and has lived long enough to see every country in history rise and fall. Yeah, his sometimes-girlfriend Jane Foster is American, as are most of his buddies in the Avengers. But when Flag Day rolls around, well, we have a feeling Thor will be sitting that one out.

7. Kick-Ass

We know what you're thinking: What could be more quintessentially American than dressing up in a goofy costume and making a fool of yourself on YouTube, as Aaron Johnson did in "Kick-Ass"? But while there's no doubt that Kick-Ass is a red-blooded American boy through and through, there's little sign that he's overtly patriotic. Yes, in the upcoming sequel "Kick-Ass 2" he does hang out with a guy named Colonel Stars and Stripes. But we're not sure Kick-Ass has really spent any time thinking about patriotism one way or another. For now, he's just too busy being a regular kid — who happens to fight crime in his long johns. Maybe once he gets to college and starts taking Civics 101 he'll change his tune.

6. Batman

The thing about Batman is that he's so darn focused on his beloved Gotham City that he doesn't really have much time left to worry about the rest of America. And for good reason. Seriously, have you seen Gotham? That place is a mess! But beyond that, Batman has got to be kind of ticked off at the rest of the country for just letting Gotham get taken over by terrorists in last year's "The Dark Knight Rises." Plus, as we saw in "Batman Begins," Batman ditched the U.S.A. to get all of his training overseas. What, our home grown shadowy killers aren't good enough for you, Bruce? For Batman, the message seems to be clear: America is cool as long as it doesn't get in his way.

5. Wolverine

The man we now know as Wolverine began life as something even stranger and more bizarre than a mutant: he was born a Canadian. And on the surface of things, he doesn't necessarily seem like the most patriotic guy around as he spends his time wandering around in an emo stupor, drinking, smoking and threatening truck drivers with his built-in Swiss army knives. But as we saw in the flashbacks in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," Logan actually served his country in multiple wars before later becoming a government agent ... which just goes to show that somewhere underneath all that body hair, his heart still pumps out pure maple syrup.

4. Iron Man

When it comes to capitalism, no superhero embodies its ideals like Tony Stark. And we've seen how patriotic Tony can be when it comes to his work as an arms manufacturer. After all, when we first met him in the first scenes of "Iron Man," he was preparing to sell his latest inventions to the U.S. military. Of course, since then he's decided to go on this whole "philanthropist" jag, which has put him at odds with the American government more than once ... so there are some limits. But then again, we're sure Iron Man would tell you that being faithful to our nation's ideals is more important than being faithful to its government. Tony Stark is as American as apple pie, as long as he gets to decide which slice to eat.

3. Green Lantern

All-American test pilot Hal Jordan gets slapped with that "all-American" label for a good reason, and it's not because he was played by Canadian Ryan Reynolds in the 2011 big-screen misfire. With his wholesome brand of go-get-em courage and his devotion to the girl next door (in this case, Blake Lively, who is also his boss), Hal Jordan is a living embodiment of old-fashioned American ideals. Want proof? After being tasked with defending a large section of the galaxy, what does he do? Patrol space? No, he heads right back to America's heartland, presumably to take in a ball game. Sorry, galaxy, but for Hal Jordan, the U.S. of A. comes first.

2. Superman

Like Thor and Wolverine, Superman wasn't born in America. In fact, he wasn't even born on Earth. And yet over the past 75 years, perhaps no character in pop culture has been more closely associated with America than Superman. Based on the "Man of Steel" trailers we've seen, the reasons why are at the heart of Zack Snyder's upcoming reboot: Adopted by a good-hearted midwestern family, Clark Kent learns the importance of truth, justice and the American way, a way of life he strives to protect as only Superman can. Superman's origin has been described as the ultimate immigrant story, and who are we to argue with that?

1. Captain America

Of course, there's no real question which superhero is the most patriotic. The guy's name is Captain America, after all, and he has a friggin' American Flag painted on his chest. And his shield. And probably tattooed on his butt. In fact, he's so associated with the United States that Marvel Studios was concerned that international audiences wouldn't even go to see "Captain America: The First Avenger" when it came out two years ago, which is one reason why it got that clumsy "First Avenger" subtitle in the first place. Luckily for everyone, even international audiences love them some Cap, guaranteeing that a sequel (next year's "Captain America: The Winter Soldier") would be made. All we can say is: Captain America, f**k yeah!

View Gallery »

It's a game pretty much anyone can play, depending on the rules — we employ the First Name: First Pet, Last Name: Street You Grew Up On method (our apologies to those with allergies, maybe you had a goldfish?). And the results are, without fail, hilarious.

We asked 100 of our favorite movie stars in Hollywood — including Emma Watson, Keira Knightley, Megan Fox, Ryan Gosling, Paul Rudd, Anne Hathaway, Matt Damon, Katie Holmes, Jon Hamm, Emma Stone and Neil Patrick Harris — for their porn star names. They did not let us down. Click through the gallery for all 100.

Reporting by: Sandie Angulo Chen ("Millie 69"), Robert DeSalvo ("Rocky Waverly"), Claire Donovan ("Spunky Walter"), Elizabeth Durand ("Stephanie Veronica"), Bryan Enk ("Buck Densmore"), Max Evry ("Orion Cedar Crest "), Breanne Heldman ("Krugerrand Ardon"), Jenni Miller ("Mitzi Turtle Creek"), Kevin Polowy ("Sparkle Sterling"), Brandon Rae ("Sammi von Fernway"), Brooke Tarnoff ("Brandy W. Riviera"), Joanna Varikos ("Angel 14") and Kase Wickman ("Blake Sisters").

Greetings from the apocalypse! This was a scary-ass week for my homies in Boston. Why we gotta blow each other up, people? If we keep exploding ourselves all we'll wind up with is Charlton Heston screaming at the Statue of Liberty. Truth. Love, peace and chicken grease, y'all. Now, movies …

Friday, April 26

Paramount

POW! IN THEATERS
When Scarface said, "The World is Yours," there should have been an asterisk that read "*As long as you're not a complete knucklehead." That's the heavy-duty lesson Mark Wahlberg, The Rock and Anthony Mackie learn as a trio of gym rats-cum-criminals in "Pain & Gain," the latest filmsplosion from the Michael Bay ejaculatory system. The guy who brought us three "Transformers," two "Bad Boys" and one "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" by Meat Loaf tries his hand at a low-budget, relatively contained crime dramedy, resulting in a bubbling concoction that's The Three Stooges meets "Fargo" if it were a two-hour music video … and that's a compliment. This is Bay's best movie by several yard sticks, providing a (true) story of roids, coke, Lambos, strippers, mansions and murder so outrageously tailor-made for his amped-up sensibilities you'd think God handed it to him in a crack-size Ziplock. Ed Harris, playing a Florida gumshoe straight out of an Elmore Leonard novel, is basically the only sympathetic character in a whirlwind of douchbaggery where even tortured victim Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub) is a Scrooge who sorta deserves the punishment he's dealt. It's that kinda movie.

NETFLIX RECOMMENDS WITH A VENGEANCE
"Pain & Gain" may seem pretty revelatory coming from Michael Bay, but it's also very much the snake eating its own tail if you look at his previous day trips to Miami in "Bad Boys" and "Bad Boys II," both currently streaming on Netflix Instant. In the first one Will Smith and Martin Lawrence bring their A-game to what is essentially a B-action movie elevated by Bay's confident aping of Tony Scott's hazy commercial slickness. Part II evolves into an entirely different beast, perhaps the most grandiose action film of the modern era. Somewhere between a freeway chase where Smith and Lawrence have cars tossed at them to plowing a Humvee through a Cuban shantytown lies a story of two hot dog police officers still trying to go from boys II men.

Paramount

BASIC CABLE BLUES
We're going 25 miles west of Boston to Lowell, Massachusetts with Beantown's own Mark Wahlberg as a hardscrabble pugilist enduring real pain and sweeter gain in "The Fighter" at 10:30 p.m. on FX. Wahlberg gives his all as real-life boxing champ Irish Micky Ward as the film focuses on his years on hiatus from the sport when he dealt with all sorts of family psychodrama involving his crackhead half-brother/trainer Dicky (Christian Bale) and domineering (s)mother Alice (Melissa Leo) before climbing his way back to the top. Bale and Leo both won Oscars, and "How You Like Me Now?" by The Heavy became the most overused song in movie history — it's also featured in, yes, "Pain & Gain."

FESTIVAL SCHMESTIVAL
Speaking of "The Fighter," Beantown is coming out swinging this weekend as the 11th Annual Independent Film Festival Boston unrolls as planned from April 24-30, with all 80 filmmakers originally scheduled to attend still on deck. New England premieres of David Gordon Green's "Prince Avalanche," Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing," Noah Baumbach's "Frances Ha," horror anthology "V/H/S 2" and Bobcat Goldthwait's sasquatch comedy "Willow Creek" should all say hi to your mother for me.

Meanwhile, way the hell on the opposite coast the TCM Classic Film Festival is taking over Hollywood's storied Chinese and Egyptian theaters all weekend long. Cable's primary destination for classic movie lovers will run prints of some all-time greats paired with sweet guests, including these Friday delights: Alfred Hitchcock's "Notorious" with Rose McGowan, "On the Town" with modern musical maestro Rob Marshall, Mel Brooks presents his overlooked second feature "The Twelve Chairs" and comedian Dana Gould hosts what's sure to be an awesome midnight showing of Ed Wood's "Plan 9 From Outer Space." Check out the schedule for Saturday and Sunday!

Saturday, April 27

The Weinstein Company

POW! IN THEATERS
It's a week with three, count 'em, three outstanding new theatrical releases well worth your time, but this week's most recommended "Survivor of Thunderdome" is the vaunted Best Foreign Language Oscar-nominee "Kon-Tiki." Luckily for my blind/illiterate American readers (there's a braille edition of NextMovie, right?) the filmmakers shot two different versions of "Kon-Tiki," one in Norwegian and the other in English, so you can thrill to every gorgeous minute of this true-life post-World War II adventure in which ethnographer Thor Heyerdahl (Pål Sverre Valheim Hagen) sets out on a 100-day, 5,000-mile journey from Peru to Polynesia on a balsa raft. It's not a spoiler to know Thor survived, but it is gripping to experience the conditions he and his crew had to survive (sharks, storms, crumbling wood, more sharks, etc.) in order to prove that ancient peoples … ahh, who cares, it's just BADASS. Filmmakers Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg made the ballsy choice to shoot on the actual ocean, and that lends it a realism and beauty that would make Tom Hanks and his volleyball piss themselves in jealousy. Another reason to see the film? Jakob Oftebro, a.k.a. the Norwegian Joseph Gordon Levitt.

HULU HEAVEN
The reason it's not really a spoiler to know how Thor Heyerdahl's journey turned out is he made a pretty damn famous, Oscar-winning 1950 documentary about the journey also called "Kon-Tiki," available fo free yo on Hulu. This black and white document of his journey is a real-deal adventure that has inspired other explorers for generations, including Olav Heyerdahl, Thor's grandson, who took another Norwegian team along the same route in 2006. This modern-day voyage formed the basis of the more Discovery Channel-friendly doc "The Tangaroa Expedition," currently available in its entirety on YouTube. There's your homework, now hop to it, slackers!

BASIC CABLE BLUES
Since "Kon-Tiki" is downright riddled with shark attacks, it seems only appropriate that today is some kind of crazy-ass shark day on SyFy from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. That's right, 12-f**kin' hours chock-o-block with badly CGI'd sharks trying to eat Z-list celebs like Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas in the following flicks: "Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus," "Shark Zone," "Malibu Shark Attack," "Super Shark," "2-Headed Shark Attack" and concluding with some fun on the bayou with Kristy "Buffy" Swanson and handsome Robert Davi in "Swamp Shark."

Sunday, April 28

Lionsgate

POW! IN THEATERS
She may have been in the drunk tank, but career-wise Reese's not in pieces since Reese Witherspoon turns in a terrific against-type performance as Matthew McConaughey's damaged goods girlfriend in "Mud." This touching southern drama involves tough Arkansas kid Ellis (the remarkable Tye Sheridan) who bonds with a fugitive named Mud (McConaughey), one seriously superstitious dude who lives in an abandoned boat stuck in a tree. It sounds cornball but it ain't, and even though the narrative makes wild turns into quirky character comedy, romantic whimsy, tragedy and full-on action, director Jeff Nichols ("Take Shelter") somehow keeps everything cohesive with his Terrence Malick-like command of camera and naturalistic performances.

YOUTUBE IT!
Bill Murray has made more classic comedies than we can count, but did you know that in 1984 his ghostbustin' ass appeared in a movie with Dan Aykroyd that did not involve Gozer the Gozerian? It's the great lost masterpiece "Nothing Lasts Forever," a mostly black and white art comedy that plays far better at MOMA than the multiplex, and is available in its entirety on YouTube despite various legal constraints that have kept it from getting a proper DVD/Blu-ray release in the States. It stars Zach Galligan as a concert pianist who takes a trip to the moon on a bus to find his soul mate, played by a young Lauren Tom (Amy Wong on "Futurama") in a hula skirt. Directed by Tom Schiller, who made many classic shorts for "Saturday Night Live," it was painstakingly given the look and feel of a movie from the '40s, and despite the cast and guiding hand of producer Lorne Michaels this Murray vehicle got lost in translation. Check out this rare gem below:

BASIC CABLE BLUES
Fast-forward to ten years later and you get another SNL offshoot produced by Michaels and starring Aykroyd in perhaps his most iconic role from the sketch show: "Coneheads" on Comedy Central at 12:15 p.m. While virtually burned at the stake by critics during its 1993 release, it's actually a fairly good translation from sketch-to-screen, as aliens Beldar (Aykroyd), Prymatt (Jane Curtin) and their daughter Connie (Michelle Burke) try to acclimate themselves to the American suburbs. Features mountains of cameos, including Adam Sandler, Phil Hartman, David Spade, Chris Farley and the great Garrett Morris.

*SPECIAL NOTICE*
I wanted to extend my best wishes to good buddy Ed Douglas, who begins chemotherapy this week in Ohio for acute leukemia. You may know Ed as ComingSoon's Weekend Warrior, and he's basically one of the main reasons this weekend columnist has anything resembling a career. Ed recently got socked with the bad news but has been incredibly positive during treatment despite having no insurance. If you want to read more about it and possibly contribute to his recovery, check out the GiveForward fundraising page, won't ya? Thanks!

As I ride off into the distant horizon, here's wishing you fellow weekend road warriors the best outing possible from this burnt-out, blighted wasteland. Enjoy your fast Internet, clean-ish movie theaters, plentiful gasoline and all the comforts of home, for this world lives now only in my memories …

You can follow renegade movie journo and filmmaker Max Evry on Twitter, and check out his bitchin' DeviantArt gallery while you're at it.

Amanda Seyfried would like to flip a big ole bird to that one. Girlfriend is always the bride. Always. She plays the bridal half of the marital duo in this weekend's "The Big Wedding," but this white tulle dress-up thing isn't new for her — it's been going on for years.

To our best knowledge, Seyfried first donned a wedding gown in 2008's "Mamma Mia!" (have fun getting the titular ABBA track out of your head now, suckers!), followed by a walk down the aisle as Cosette in "Les Miserables" (it's not a spoiler if the book was published 150 years ago; you've had plenty of time) and now, the serial bride's poised to toss her bouquet yet again. They say three's a trend. When will she strike next?

Amanda, is this a cry for help? We're asking this as your Sey-friends.

Below, check out Exhibit A, Exhibit B and Exhibit COME ON in our case for asking Ms. Seyfried exactly what the hell is up with this trend in her career.

'The Big Wedding' (2013)

'Les Miserables' (2012)

'Mamma Mia!' (2008)

As film bakery is a real thing these days, there are gobs upon gobs of delicious designs all over the place as many talented maestros are generous enough to pretty up the world with photos of their scrumptious gumption.

We like to recognize the creative ways people celebrate their various degrees of infatuation with the cinema, so we went through the painstaking (read: tummy grumble-inducing) process of scouring the interwebs to pluck the very best in show for these Tinseltown-inspired treats ... just in time for "The Big Wedding," opening April 26.

Grab a bib before you dig into these 25 ridiculously well-designed desserts, 'cause it's pretty much a guarantee you'll be drooling all over the place by the end of this list.

25. 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'

This delectable dish makes us sure the eighth dwarf would be named "Hungry."

[Cake Craft & Decoration]

24. 'Wreck-It Ralph'

Fix-It Felix would have a pretty hard time repairing this cake if we ever got our mitts on it.

[Barbara's Beat]

23. 'Beetlejuice'

Maybe saying the "B" word three times really fast'll summon up this clever little concoction.

[The Symmetric Swan]

22. 'The Breakfast Club'

We won't forget about you, you angsty bunch.

[Best Friends for Frosting]

21. 'Gremlins'

Might not want to have this goody as a post-midnight snack juuuuust in case.

[Cake Wrecks]

20. 'Cinderella'

This ornate cake is most definitely fit for a princess.

[heavenlysweetsbydith Flickr]

19. 'Pirates of the Caribbean'

Aye, matey. This is made just for the saltiest of swashbucklers.

[Cakes by Jyl]

18. 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'

There's nothing frightening about this wedding cake.

[Charm City Cakes]

17. 'Little Shop of Horrors'

This totally changes the meaning of the line "Feed me, Seymour."

[Ko's Cakes Flickr]

16. 'Kill Bill'

Vengeance never looked so sickly sweet.

[Cake Rhapsody Flickr]

15. 'Tangled'

This birthday girl's momma must really love her to go through all this trouble.

[Wilton Forum]

14. 'Ghostbusters'

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man stands no chance against the pastry proton pack.

[ZetHotBox Tumblr]

13. 'Alice in Wonderland'

Alice's rabbit hole adventures have inspired a lot of great cakes, but this one takes the ... you know.

[Sweet Fantasies]

12. 'Frankenweenie'

The film's title in and of itself inspires thoughts of food, but who knew it could be so sweet?

[Black Cherry Cakes]

11. 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'

We wish we had the golden ticket to a taste of this dessert fest.

[Leonie's Creations Flickr]

10. 'Finding Nemo'

Turns out, fish can be both friends and food, Bruce.

[Between the Pages]

9. 'Beauty and the Beast'

We totally wish we could be the guests of any wedding that features this Beauty.

[Sweet Fantasies Cakes]

8. 'Batman'

This one took a real sweet approach to cleaning up that Gotham City skyline.

[Bite Me Bakery]

7. 'The Avengers'

We pretty much just want to Hulk Smash this with our fork.

[Hope's Sweet Cakes]

6. 'Back to the Future'

The amazing-ness of this is bound to stand the test of time.

[Geek Tyrant]

5. 'A Nightmare on Elm Street'

It might not look too tasty, but it sure is an eye-opener.

[Inside the Magic]

4. 'E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial'

This cake is something worth phoning home over.

[Cake Craft & Decoration]

3. 'Up'

Even old man Carl would crack a smile over this ridiculously awesome design.

[Yahoo! Lifestyle NZ]

2. 'Labyrinth'

Seeing this really makes us want to dance, magic, dance.

[That's Nerdalicious]

1. 'Harry Potter'

With all due respect to the Charm City's excellent Hogwarts effort, this edible rendition is pure magic.

[Food Invasion]

Miramax / First Look

We've watched him laugh. We've watched him cry. We've watched him dress up as Edgar Allan Poe and solve crimes, for some reason, and regretted it almost immediately, but still, we watched him. And we'll continue to watch him as he makes new movies, like "The Numbers Station," opening April 26.

Yes, we've come a long way with John Cusack as moviegoing public and at this point we feel like we know him. We feel like we might even be besties.

The following is an extensive collection of John Cusack faces, and if you scroll through this and don't feel like giving John a big ol' smooch afterwards ... that's probably a good thing. Don't want to cross any lines.

But still, enjoy.

Dead Serious

Contemplative

Flabbergasted

Delighted

Sheepish

Nervous

Cool

Frustrated

Creepy

Paramount

Most of us understand that as we age, it's important to maintain a healthy and active lifestyle. Go for a jog (or a "yog" if you're Ron Burgundy) once in a while. Maybe opt for a salad sometimes instead of a few slices of pizza. If you work at a desk, perhaps you make sure you walk around your office for five minutes every hour. Feel that burn.

Then there are others who take that notion to extreme lengths, who hear "maintain a healthy and active lifestyle" and think "lift enough weights every day of my life to tear a horse in half with my bare hands and have a laughing fit in its blood."

That last part may have been an exaggeration (though for some reason I can especially see Vin Diesel laughing maniacally in horse blood), but the following nine Hollywood actors would probably tell you that, yes, they can tear a horse in half with their bare hands:

1. The Rock

The 'Dwayne Johnson' Rock (that's what he goes by now, right?) was of course required to be incredibly jacked for his previous job as a minion of roid-faced Connecticut native Vince McMahon, since a 155-pound guy trotting out every Monday and Thursday night in his tighty blackies promised to be even more awkward than it is for muscular gents. But since his extremely popular (and recently recurring) time in the WWE, he's actually become an even bigger human being. Look at this picture, taken only last year. Not to mention the guy was also a defensive lineman at the University of Miami before moving onto the WWE, and it isn't like "The U" is above gaining any competitive advantage, if you know what I'm saying. He will kill all of us.

2. Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel's real name is "Mark Vincent," and you can see why he no longer goes by "Mark Vincent" now, right? Because Mark Vincent sounds like someone that calls your cell phone on a Tuesday morning at 10:30 a.m. and says, "Hi, this is Mark Vincent from the IRS and you're being audited for your $127 tax return," not someone who lives his life a quarter mile at a time. I'm sure Mark Vincent's a nice guy, but Mark Vincent isn't proudly parading around in tank tops bragging about how many horses he's torn in half (starting to get worried about myself regarding how many times I've used that example) like Vin Diesel is. The 'Dwayne Johnson' Rock and Diesel's fight in the most recent "Fast and Furious" movie is like watching two bears fight in the forest, except that when a person wearing headphones yells "cut," they didn't come charging after him for food (I'm pretty sure).

3. Terry Crews

The great and paradoxical thing about Terry Crews being able to rip a horse ... er, to lift lots of heavy things is the fact that he seems like the nicest human person in the world. Not that being a giant with 0.9% body fat is necessarily correlative to being a jackass, but Crews seems like the type of guy that would genuinely be hurt if you approached him and were horrified that he was going to punch you seventy feet across the landscape because of his physique. Before talking to Conan about how much he lifts in this clip, he vibrates his man-boobs UNDERNEATH THE SUIT HE'S WEARING. How many times has he fought for a parking spot with another car and just gotten out and wiggled his boobs at the other driver? I'm guessing a lot. I mean, I have a ton, so I'm guessing he does it every day.

4. Matthew McConaughey

Big Matt McConaughey just wants to take his shirt off, ladies. Do you mind if he does that? Do you mind if he just puts his button-down over on the back of this seat right here while he relaxes with his shirt off? "Mr. Soderbergh, today's scene I think would be a good opportunity for me to take my shirt off." Indeed, McConaughey likes being shirtless, arguably more than not only anyone on this list, but every other actor in Hollywood. Hell, McConaughey was probably shirtless in movies more often than The "Dwayne Johnson" Rock was when he was with the WWE. And though Matt isn't going for my demographic when he ditches his poor, well-meaning shirt, I can at least respect that he can probably tear a horse in half bench-press a lot of weight.

5. Chris Hemsworth

For "Thor," Chris Hemsworth had to look like a guy who was able to carry a megaton sledgehammer over his shoulder like it was a Wiffle ball bat. So he decided to hit the gym a bit. And then he decided to go back to the gym. And then when he was done lifting, he would turn right around and keep on lifting for a while. Eventually, he looked like this person, and suddenly, it wasn't so inconceivable that he could be a deity who destroyed you with a giant sledgehammer. Sadly, due to the fact that neither he nor his brother, fellow actor Liam, have been on the scene for very long, WordPress still red-squiggly-underlines "Hemsworth" as if I spelled something incorrectly, while McConaughey is totally cool by contrast. One day, guys, you'll get as big as ol' Matt. Figuratively, at least.

6. Channing Tatum

Tatum has a well-publicized background as a former stripper, which must have given him a leg up (a bulge up?) on competitors in the auditioning room for "Magic Mike." (Presumably, he said something like, "Guys, these other actors, they don't know what it's like to be shirtless and in a man thong. I do. I've worn man thongs.") And while "Magic Mike" remains Tatum's most noteworthy character thus far in his career, it isn't a coincidence that he seems to otherwise only take roles that will allow him to destroy people/creatures/horses (other than "Oh, you're not interested? Here's a check for 5 million dollars" roles like that of "Dear John" or rare comedic parts like "21 Jump Street").

7. Jason Momoa

Jason Momoa burst onto the Hollywood scene in the "Conan the Barbarian" remake, "Game of Thrones" and the recent Stallone flick "Bullet to the Head," where he presumably tries to avoid receiving a "bullet to the head" from Stallone (unless the title has a metaphorical meaning, which I tend to doubt). Not sure if he did or did not succeed in doing that, but what I do know is that Momoa looks like a human you don't necessarily want to f**k with. Like Mark Vincent, Momoa seems to spend the entire movie in tank tops, because like a tee shirt can do these 'ceps any justice lol. I get it, Jase. I get it.

8. Sylvester Stallone

Speaking of Sly, because he subsequently became the world's biggest action star, we forget that in 1976's "Rocky," he really wasn't that big of a human. I mean, sure, he had a big heart (aw) and physically, sure, he was ripped, but he was pretty much just a guy.  A guy who climbed to the top of staircases and arbitrarily raised his arms, yes, but just a guy nonetheless. Now, he still has the same large heart (STEROIDS JOKE AW YEAH) but he is an enormous person. Look at this dude. I picture the Stallone family mansion having a large glass bowl in the middle of their dining room table, where a regular family might put decorative fruit, except at the Stallone's, it's just a giant bowl of HGH.

9. Dolph Lundgren

I was able to interview Dolph for his movie "Small Apartments" a couple months ago, and one of the questions I asked him was who he thought would win in a fight between he and the rest of the cast of "The Expendables." Now, it's not like I expected him to immediately say "Oh, easily Jason Statham" or something, but the man is 55 years old, and it's not like the movie lacks people who can roundhouse-kick others at the drop of an AK-47. But pretty much without hesitation, he said that he would probably win the fight — over fellow list-members Crews and Stallone, in addition to Statham, Jet Li, etc. — while ultimately confessing that maybe Randy Couture, professional mixed martial artist, would give him a run for his money. My point is this: Dolph Lundgren is a monster. And thank goodness for that.

Marvel Films

It's summer, summer, summertime, time to sit back and unwind, as The Fresh Prince once rhymed. Iron Man, Wolverine, Superman and Hit-Girl are suiting up and the AC is pumping as studios trot out their big guns, eager to put butts in the seats with big stars, bigger explosions and lots of numbers after titles.

That's right, nearly a third of our list is sequels, there's even more that didn't make it, and that doesn't even count the reboots and potential franchise-starters in store as we dive headfirst into our glistening pool of summer movie bliss.

30. 'The Internship'

Release Date: June 7
Starring: Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson
The Scoop: Since 2005 we've been champing at the bit for "Wedding Crashers" duo Vaughn and Wilson to re-team, and now nearly a decade later they're back in … a 90-minute ad for Google? Well, the premise has them pegged as two older salesmen trying to prove their relevance in the digital age by BS-ing their way into a competitive internship at the web browser, where the Gen-Xers butt heads with Gen-Y.

29. 'The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones'

Release Date: Aug. 23
Starring: Lily Collins, Jamie Campbell Bower
The Scoop: Everyone's looking for next "Twilight," and this right here could be it. Collins stars as Clary Fray, an innocent young girl who gets swept up in a whole new world of magic and mysticism. Clary learns she is a half-human/half-angel hybrid known as a Shadowhunter and must do battle with all sorts of baddies, including Jonathan Rhys Meyers as the evil Valentine, who holds a major key to her past.

28. 'White House Down'

Release Date: June 28
Starring: Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx, Maggie Gyllenhaal
The Scoop: Now that "Olympus Has Fallen" has fallen, it paves the way for director Roland Emmerich ("Independence Day") to do what he does best; namely, destroying the White House. This time around, instead of doing it with one shot of a laser beam, he's taking it apart brick by brick as terrorists invade 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. and Tatum's Capitol security guy is the only one who can get President Sawyer (Foxx) out of deep s**t.

27. 'Fast & Furious 6'

Release Date: May 24
Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez, Dwayne Johnson
The Scoop: They're back in the cars. This time it's personal? You bet. Dom (Diesel) learns that his perished lady love Letty (Rodriguez) is back from the dead (not in a zombie way) and working with a ruthless gang leader played by Luke Evans. Thusly, The Rock recruits the crew to take the bad guy down with the carrot of a full-pardon dangled as incentive.

26. 'Epic'

Release Date: May 24
Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Beyoncé Knowles, Josh Hutcherson, Colin Farrell
The Scoop: This is large-scale animated adventure from the creators of "Ice Age" offers a massive look at a micro world, where a young teen girl named Mary (Seyfried) gets downsized "Honey I Shrunk the Kids"-style and corralled into a huge battle between the good Leaf Men and evil Boggans. The film nearly jumped ship to Pixar before Fox changed their mind and decided to make it after all, so if this doesn't live up to its name there's gonna be a lot of explaining to do.

25. 'The Bling Ring'

Release Date: June 14
Starring: Emma Watson
The Scoop: Mischief managed indeed. "Harry Potter" star Watson is a girl gone wild as she and a gaggle of loosey-goosey teens decide to form a gang and rob their favorite celebrities, including Paris Hilton, who plays herself. Based on real girls who really robbed Hilton and other really shallow peeps, this will undoubtedly be another snapshot of wealthy excess from "Lost in Translation" Academy Award-winner Sofia Coppola.

24. '2 Guns'

Release Date: Aug. 2
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Denzel Washington, Paula Patton
The Scoop: Wahlberg. Washington. Where do we sign up? The testosterone-infused pair play a couple undercovers unwittingly investigating each other, who discover they're actually being framed by the CIA in some elaborate scam. If we know our action movies, it's gonna take several wild shootouts and maybe a car chase or two to set things right.

23. 'We're the Millers'

Release Date: Aug. 9
Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Sudeikis, Emma Roberts, Ed Helms
The Scoop: Sudeiekis and Aniston try to recapture some of that "Horrible Bosses" energy with this madcap comedy about a pot dealer who fabricates a family made up of a stripper, a homeless teen and a geeky British kid in order to bring a ton (actually two tons) of weed over the border. This is director Rawson Marshall Thurber's first comedy since 2004's hilarious "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story," and might we say it's about high time he did another one.

22. 'Before Midnight'

Release Date: May 24
Starring: Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy
The Scoop: Richard Linklater's other two "Before" movies chronicled cute couple Jesse and Celine as they met cute in Vienna and continued to talk cute nine years later. After another nine-year increment, they're still together and, yes, still cute. Now they have twin girls of their own, with Jesse still experiencing success as a writer while Celine contemplates a change. If early word is any indication, expect another unanimously-praised gab fest from modern masters of the art form.

21. 'After Earth'

Release Date: May 31
Starring: Will Smith, Jaden Smith
The Scoop: Okay, so the last time M. Night Shyamalan delved into fantasy territory we got "The Last Crapbender," but "After Earth" has one key element that enterprise didn't have: Will Smith. The Fresh Prince (when can we start calling him The Fresh King?) is the real mastermind behind this sci-fi adventure, co-writing and producing it and starring alongside real-life progeny Jaden as a father-son team who get stranded on a post-apocalyptic Earth covered head-to-toe with monsters.

20. 'Despicable Me 2'

Release Date: July 3
Starring: Steve Carell, Kristen Wiig, Al Pacino
The Scoop: You wanted more adorable yellow Minions. You got 'em. It's Carell vs. Pacino as the former supervillain takes on a new nemesis in the form of Eduardo so he can say good night to the bad guy. The first "Despicable Me" was a delightful surprise, so let's hope they can deliver another one now that there are actual expectations ... not to mention lots of other animated competition.

19. 'R.I.P.D.'

Release Date: July 19
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Mary-Louise Parker, Kevin Bacon
The Scoop: Let the "Men in Black" comparisons begin! The trailer essentially plays out like "MiB" with ghosts, but Jeff Bridges' rootin' tootin' sheriff of the hereafter, Roy Pulsipher, is breakin' in his new partner Nick (Ryan Reynolds) in a most unexpected way: inhabiting the bodies of a hot chick and an old Chinese guy, respectively. Nice touch, boys.

18. 'The Hangover Part III'

Release Date: May 24
Starring: Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms, Melissa McCarthy
The Scoop: The wolf pack is back again, and if you thought "Part II" was a carbon copy of the first one then let it be known that in "Part III" things are coming full circle. Yes, the gang is back in Vegas for a plot that involves a hunt for Ken Jeong's Leslie Chow in exchange for Justin Bartha's Doug, who's being held hostage this time around.

17. 'The Way, Way Back'

Release Date: July 5
Starring: AnnaSophia Robb, Steve Carell, Toni Collette, Sam Rockwell
The Scoop: Nat Faxon and Jim Rash deservedly earned an Oscar (and made fun of Angelina Jolie's dress) for "The Descendents," thus earning their right to make a movie of their own. First love is just one of the items on the menu as 14-year-old Duncan (Liam James) spends summer vacation with his mom and winds up being mentored by a wacky water park manager played by Rockwell.

16. 'Elysium'

Release Date: Aug. 9
Starring: Matt Damon, Jodie Foster, Sharlto Copley, Alice Braga
The Scoop: Neill Blomkamp made his mark with the visionary sci-fi Apartheid parable "District 9" and looks to be making another statement about extreme social stratification with his sophomore effort. Damon plays a soldier who uses a special weaponized suit to attempt access to the title space station where the wealthy receive medical attention and luxury. Sounds like an exclusive spa worth fighting for.

15. 'The Lone Ranger'

Release Date: July 3
Starring: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer
The Scoop: Whoa, kemosabe, this crazy-ass-looking western could either be fun on the bun … or "Wild Wild West Redux." Even though it's called "The Lone Ranger," this is most definitely Tonto's movie, with Johnny Depp trying to capture some of that Captain Jack lightning in a bottle again with help from original "Pirates" director Gore Verbinski and producer Jerry Bruckheimer. They ride for justice ... and a bigger payday for the sequel.

14. 'The Spectacular Now'

Release Date: Aug. 2
Starring: Shailene Woodley, Miles Teller, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Kyle Chandler
The Scoop: The always-charming Teller ("Project X") plays a high school senior who lives for the moment, but after the budding alcoholic gets dumped by his girlfriend he meets Aimee (Woodley), a nerdy nice girl who dreams about the future. Word out of Sundance has this pegged as a charming, John Hughes-esque tale of teen angst that could very well become the sleeper hit of the summer.

13. 'Now You See Me'

Release Date: May 31
Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Morgan Freeman, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine
The Scoop: "The Prestige" couldn't do it, "The Illusionist" didn't cut it, and Penn & Teller definitely don't got it, so is this going to be the first movie to make magic actually seem cool and sexy? Eisenberg uses his brainy powers to magically steal money and give it out to his audience, unless Ruffalo can stop him (without Hulking out).

12. 'The Purge'

Release Date: May 31
Starring: Lena Headey, Ethan Hawke
The Scoop: After the stunning success of "Sinister," Hawke is on a horror jag, this time pairing with "Game of Thrones" beauty Headey as heads of a family that must protect themselves during a night when anyone can commit a crime consequence-free. That's a scary-ass premise, especially when dudes in creepy masks start banging down your door.

11. 'The World's End'

Release Date: Aug. 23
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike, Martin Freeman
The Scoop: Edgar Wright concludes his loose "Blood and Ice Cream" trilogy that began with "Shaun of the Dead" and continued with "Hot Fuzz." Pegg and Frost are childhood friends who reunite with a few other lads to recreate an epic pub crawl but get caught up in that whole apocalypse deal. Actually, we're not sure if that apocalypse is natural, biblical, robotic or alien as extreme secrecy shrouds the project, but considering this team has never let us down we don't know why they'd start now.

10. 'World War Z'

Release Date: June 21
Starring: Brad Pitt
The Scoop: It's the first epic zombie movie, and we do mean EPIC. You could have made twenty low-budget zombie movies for what this one cost, but for that price tag you get a shaggy-haired Brad Pitt as a UN guy globetrotting to find a cure for the zombie hordes that are toppling whole societies as they form into massive swarms we call "zombie globs." Gross. Based on the popular novel by Max Brooks, who's Mel's son ... but don't expect the zombies to suddenly burst into "Springtime For Hitler."

9. 'The Wolverine'

Release Date: July 26
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Famke Janssen, Will Yun Lee
The Scoop: After several false starts, including original director Darren Aronofsky dropping out, this stand-alone adventure finds Jackman's Logan arriving in Japan where an old friend offers to give him the gift of mortality. That's just in time for him to take on the entire Yakuza in a battle over the love of Mariko (Tao Okamoto), where he just may find his mutant healing powers handy. This adaptation of the classic Chris Claremont/Frank Miller story from the '80s has the distinct advantage of not possibly being any worse than the last Wolverine outing.

8. 'Kick-Ass 2'

Release Date: Aug. 16
Starring: Chloë Grace Moretz, Jim Carrey, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse
The Scoop: The first "Kick-Ass" gave new meaning to the term "child endangerment," as every bad guy in that movie got endangered by Moretz's pint-sized assassin Hit-Girl. Now she and Dave (Taylor-Johnson) will join forces with underground crimefighters led by reformed mobster Colonel Stars and Stripes (Carrey) to battle an army of supervillains led by McLovin himself.

7. 'The Great Gatsby'

Release Date: May 10
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Carey Mulligan, Joel Edgerton, Tobey Maguire
The Scoop: F. Scott Fitzgerald's time-honored literary masterpiece gets an MTV-friendly makeover as "Moulin Rouge!" helmer Baz Luhrmann goes hog-wild with his usual lavish sets and anachronistic soundtrack, courtesy of Jay-Z. This jazz age chronicle of new money clashing with old in the roaring '20s has DiCaprio's Gatsby trying to reignite the love he and Daisy Buchanan (Mulligan) once had, with a little help from Maguire's Nick Carraway.

6. 'Monsters University'

Release Date: June 21
Starring: John Goodman, Billy Crystal, Helen Mirren, Steve Buscemi
The Scoop: Pixar has made more than their fair share of sequels, with "Finding Dory" on the way, but this represents their first attempt at a prequel. This is perhaps Goodman and Crystal's only chance to play younger, thinner versions of themselves as Sulley and Mike embark on an intense curriculum as they frat, prank and scare their way through college. Big kegger at Monster House!

5. 'This Is the End'

Release Date: June 12
Starring: James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson
The Scoop: It's the Apatow gang's "Avengers"-style team-up movie, as Franco, Rogen, et al. play themselves trapped in a Hollywood mansion as the Biblical apocalypse ravages the world. They're forced to fight over the last Milky Way bar, drink their own urine and survive some serious calamities, including having their supplies stolen by Emma Watson.

4. 'Star Trek Into Darkness'

Release Date: May 17
Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Benedict Cumberbatch
The Scoop: Captain's Log, Stardate AWESOME. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and all the rest are back for another go-round in the lens flare-riddled universe of J.J. Abrams' "Star Trek." Unlike most previous "Trek"s, this one seems to emphasize Earth-bound action as John Harrison (Cumberbatch) enacts a catastrophic revenge scheme on the federation. Abrams swears up-and-down Harrison isn't Kahn, but do you honestly trust this guy? | Watch the trailer

3. 'Man of Steel'

Release Date: June 14
Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Russell Crowe
The Scoop: Ever since Richard Donner's 1978 take on the Last Son of Krypton we've been consistently let down by Superman on the big screen, but director Zack Snyder and producer Christopher Nolan are looking to end the big blue boy scout's losing streak with an epic modern re-imagining. Cavill's Clark Kent goes on a long, bearded spiritual journey before taking up the cape, with an intrepid/sexy Daily Planet reporter and an evil Kryptonian general both hot on his heels.

2. 'Pacific Rim'

Release Date: July 12
Starring: Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, Charlie Day
The Scoop: Guillermo del Toro is gonna layeth the smacketh DOWN this summer. It's mechas vs. kaijus, or robots vs. monsters for the layman, all on a scale never before dreamed of by fans of Japanese "Godzilla" movies. Early word says this could be the next "Star Wars," or simply the $150-million-dollar version of a deranged little boy playing with his toys in the bathtub. Either way, we're there.

1. 'Iron Man 3'

Release Date: May 3
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Guy Pearce, Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle
The Scoop: Okay, maybe we've seen this movie already and maybe we haven't, but just maybe it will rock your rocket boots off. It seems this time around Tony Stark has to go mano-a-mano with his most fearsome foe yet, the Mandarin (Ben Kingsley), all while trying to figure out where he stands in the eternal triangle between himself, Pepper Potts (Paltrow) and those many lovely suits of armor of his.

The Runners-Up:

MAY
Michael Shannon plays real-life contract killer/mass murderer/family man Richard Kuklinski in "The Iceman" (May 3); Craig Robinson gets a rare starring role as a dude trying to impress his fiancé's family in "Peeples" (May 10); Greta Gerwig does the Noah Baumbach two-step as an enthusiastic hipster in "Frances Ha" (May 17); and three quirky boys run away and build their own lair in the woods in "The Kings of Summer" (May 31).

JUNE
Joss Whedon does the Bard proud with his modern-dress Shakespeare adaptation "Much Ado About Nothing" (June 7); Sandra Bulloch and Melissa McCarthy play good cop/psycho cop in "The Heat" (June 28); Pedro Almadovar sets his latest farce aboard a doomed airplane in "I'm So Excited" (June 28); and Saoirse Ronan and Gemma Arterton make a "Twilight" for smart people in vampire flick "Byzantium" (June 28).

JULY
Adam Sandler and his buddies use the term "grown up" loosely in  "Grown Ups 2" (July 12); Bruce Willis and his geriatric pals lock and load for "Red 2" (July 19); real-life paranormal investigators The Warrens are called in to reckon with "The Conjuring" (July 19); Ryan Gosling bangs guys up in Bangkok's underworld in "Only God Forgives" (July 19); and Woody Allen brings us more neurotic delights with "Blue Jasmine" (July 26).

AUGUST
More Spartans means more greased-up abs in "300: Rise of an Empire" (Aug. 2); "Disney's Planes" (Aug. 9) cashes in on whatever dollars they left on the table after "Cars"; the fantasy gravy train keeps rolling on as we set sail for "Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters" (Aug. 9) and Aubrey Plaza has a lot of sex on the agenda in "The To Do List" (Aug 16). Finally, it's not looking good for you (if you're the killers) in the late-summer horror revenge-fest "You're Next" (Aug. 23).

"Earth Day" is an annual day in April where the world does its best to recognize the importance of preserving the Earth's environment. It's an important cause, yet sadly somewhat under-acknowledged in the zeitgeist.

"Battlefield Earth Day," the most noble of the three, is today on NextMovie. Buckle up for the following 17 "Battlefield Earth" memes, and happy Battlefield Earth Day to you and your family!

Universal

We like Tom Cruise. Yes, the man be crazy, but he's also an endlessly charming rogue and a damn fine actor. But wow, does he sometimes have to say stupid things in his movies.

"Oblivion" has stunning production design and a sweet M83 score, but there's no doubt it contains at least one groan-inducing line of dialogue. Here are Tom Cruise's Top 10 most unfortunate quotes.

10. 'Vanilla Sky' (2001)

"I'll see you in another life … when we are both cats."

9. 'War of the Worlds' (2005)

"Look at the goddamn birds!"

8. 'Interview with the Vampire' (1994)

"You are a vampire who never knew what life was until it ran out in a big gush over your lips."

7. 'Days of Thunder' (1990)

"All right, tell me what's going on, tell me what's going on. I'm BLIND, goddammit!"

6. 'Mission: Impossible II' (2000)

"We just rolled up a snowball and threw it into Hell. Now we'll see if it has a chance."

5. 'Cocktail' (1988)

"I am the last barman poet / I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make / Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake."

4. 'Risky Business' (1983)

"I got a trig midterm tomorrow and I'm being chased by Guido the Killer Pimp!"

3. 'Jerry Maguire' (1996)

"All right. I shoplifted the pootie."

2. 'Top Gun' (1986)

"I think I'll go embarrass myself with Goose."

1. 'Far and Away' (1992)

"Shag off, the pair of you. There's a goat over there. Go improve your love life."

Greetings from the apocalypse! You might think that this particular Mad Max would enjoy watching Tom Cruise fight evil robots in a future nuclear-blasted wasteland, but NOPE! "Oblivion" is a dud, though that doesn't mean we can't make it through the next few days as long as we stick together and don't cross the DMZ. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, troops, we're goin' in …

Friday, April 19

Universal

POW! IN THEATERS
Xenu's own Tom Cruise returns to comfortable sci-fi territory this week with "Oblivion," which I will henceforth refer to as "The Matrix Redressed." Cruise is the only living boy in post-apocalyptic New York, where he and a stuffy British chick (Andrea Riseborough, natch) maintain giant water vacuums when they're not having PG-13 swimming pool sex … that is, until the mysterious Olga Kurylenko arrives from outer space. Ostensibly a parable on the nature of free will with a few "shocking" curveballs, it's a silly hodgepodge of at least a dozen other, better sci-fi movies from "2001: A Space Odyssey" to "Moon" to "Planet of the Apes." Director Joseph Kosinski (he of the other $150-million-dollar screensaver "TRON: Legacy") thinks so little of his audience he stops everything dead THREE TIMES to recap all that preceded. Also, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau has to wear "Road Warrior" reject armor, Morgan Freeman sports a Darth Vader mask and stuntwoman/ good actress Zoë Bell says and does nothing. Way to pool your resources, Kosinski.

NETFLIX RECOMMENDS WITH A VENGEANCE
If you want to hit a solid post-apocalyptic loner groove, then ditch "Oblivion" and spend a nice, quiet afternoon with Vincent Price as "The Last Man on Earth" via Netflix Instant, this week's most excellent "Survivor of Thunderdome." This is the first version of Richard Matheson's book "I Am Legend," which later became a Chuck Heston ("The Omega Man") and Will Smith joint, respectively, although none of them have gotten it quite right. Believe it or not, this black and white cheapie from 1964 comes the closest to capturing the stark desperation of a man who survived the plague that turned everyone except him into bloodthirsty creatures of the night. It'll have to hold us over until the inevitable fourth version starring a grizzled Taylor Lautner in 2024.

MGM

PAY CHANNEL PAYBACK
In the wake of personal scandal that Tom Terrific went through in the middle of the last decade, what better way for Cruise to prove he was on the level than by trying to kill Hitler for us in 2008's "Valkyrie," tonight at 5 p.m. on Showtime. Bryan Singer orchestrates an all-star cast of upstanding Brits (Kenneth Branagh, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Terence Stamp) around Cruise as real-life hero Claus von Stauffenberg, a German officer who plotted to off ol' Uncle Adolf a full nine months before he and Eva Braun did the deed themselves. A nifty historical nugget, it proves that you can know the outcome of a story and still be pissing yourself in suspense.

FESTIVAL SCHMESTIVAL
Prepare to put yourself in a New York state of mind this week with Robert De Niro's world famous Tribeca Film Festival from April 17-28. Besides screenings of indie films like "Before Midnight," "Adult World," "Almost Christmas," and "Prince Avalanche," some of this weekend's highlights include a free outdoor screening of Tim Burton's "Beetlejuice" tonight at 8:15 p.m. in World Financial Center Plaza, and a talk with Ben Stiller and Jay Roach on Sunday at 3 p.m. If Tribeca is too snooty for your taste, then revel in the grindhouse glory of the Old School Kung-Fu Fest (today through Sunday) at New York's Anthology Film Archives, where '70s classics starring the likes of Gordon Liu ("Shaolin and Wu-Tang") or Law Kei ("The Dragon Lives Again") will divulge exactly where The RZA steals all his dialogue samples from.

Saturday, April 20 (4/20, BABY!)

Anchor Bay

POW! IN THEATERS
FOUR-TWENTY! FOUR-TWENTY! All my stoner homies know no one delivers unwieldy blood-soaked mayhem quite like Rob Zombie. The grunge god returns from the dreck of two "Halloween" movies with his own original great American nightmare "The Lords of Salem," starring (surprise!) his hot wife Sheri Moon Zombie as a dreadlocked local radio DJ who plays a song by what she thinks is an indie band but turns out to be spirits of the film's witchy Massachusetts namesake … or something like that. The trailers promise lots of trademark Zombie weirdness coupled with his newfound fondness for Kubrickian art house compositions.

HULU HEAVEN
Speaking of broomstick jockeys, why not turn to a seminal entry in the witch genre that doesn't involve Quidditch: a grainy print of 1972's "Season of the Witch" on Hulu fo free yo. George Romero's attempt to reinvigorate the witch genre is neither as revolutionary as his "Night of the Living Dead" was for zombies nor as slick as his later work. "Season" is an intriguing if poorly-acted curiosity revolving around a bored middle-aged housewife (Jan White) who goes from square to slightly less square when she begins dabbling in witchcraft in order to lure a young buck into the sack … and yes, it does feature the Donovan song, so stop asking.

YOUTUBE IT!
Everyone knows that if you're going to see a Rob Zombie movie you have to extensively read up on his subjects … JUST KIDDING! His movies are totally redneck-friendly, but if you are inclined to learn a little more about the nearly two dozen witch executions that took place in puritanical New England then look no further than an old episode of "In Search of History" about the Salem Witch Trials in its entirety on YouTube. Bible thumping hysteria in the early 1690s inspired a frenzy of false accusations, arrests, hangings and eventually the Daniel Day-Lewis/Winona Ryder version of "The Crucible." Horror upon horror.

BASIC CABLE BLUES
Cap off a delicious night of terror as TCM hosts a demonic double feature of classic drive-in fare: "Burn, Witch, Burn" (1962, also on Netflix Instant) at 2:15 a.m. and "The Devil's Own" (a.k.a. "The Witches," 1966) at 4 a.m. Clearly incited by "The Lords of Salem," this lineup is perfect fodder for fans of old school B-movies, with "Burn" detailing an ignorant husband's rejection of his wife's occult activities, while Hammer Studios' "Devil's" involves an innocent missionary school teacher (Joan Fontaine, in her final role) who gets swept up in witchy dealings in both Africa and England.

Sunday, April 21

BASIC CABLE BLUES
Sunday is a good day for a couple of overlooked comedies, so let's kick off this parade of shenanigans with "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" at 12:15 p.m. on Comedy Central. Comedic impresario Judd Apatow produced and co-wrote this insanely funny riff on musician biopics (specifically "Walk the Line" and maybe a little "Great Balls of Fire") and the laughs-per-minute ratio owes less to improv-a-thons like "Knocked Up" and more to Apatow's early parody work for TV ("In Living Color," "The Ben Stiller Show"). John C. Reilly plays his Johnny Cash-stand-in with doofy charm and fantastic lyrics like "In my dreams you're blowing me … some kisses." Stay tuned as Jonah Hill teaches you how impossible it is to masturbate with a ghost hand.

Universal

PAY CHANNEL PAYBACK
Steven Spielberg has had more blockbusters than anyone in film history, and "1941" isn't one of them, but it is on IFC at 5 p.m. His 1979 comedy spectacular about an attempted Japanese invasion of Hollywood saw the "Jurassic Park" maestro pilfering the casts of "Saturday Night Live," "SCTV" and "Animal House" for the most overblown demolition derby your eyes have ever beheld. While it may have laid an egg at the box office, today's ADD-rattled sensibilities are perfectly attuned to soak up the full-on sensory bombardment Spielberg conducted. John Belushi hams it up and Dan Aykroyd speed-talks like the coke demon he was, while a Ferris wheel, a house and most of the west coast are exploded for your amusement. It's a blast, trust me.

GET LIT
This week the literary oceans have swept ashore two biographies destined for film lovers' bookshelves, starting with "The French Connection" and "The Exorcist" helmer William Friedkin's long-awaited tome "The Friedkin Connection: A Memoir," where he fills you in on the tortures of filming "Sorcerer" in the Dominican Republic and perhaps why he hasn't made a masterpiece since. My more horror-inclined readers will no doubt be clamoring for tales of the late "Peter Cushing: A Life in Film," which chronicles England's most celebrated genre thesp, as well as being the big baddie in "Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope" and bearer of the pointiest cheek bones in world history.

As I ride off into the distant horizon, here's wishing you fellow weekend road warriors the best outing possible from this burnt-out, blighted wasteland. Enjoy your fast Internet, clean-ish movie theaters, plentiful gasoline and all the comforts of home, for this world lives now only in my memories …

You can follow renegade movie journo and filmmaker Max Evry on Twitter, and check out his bitchin' DeviantArt gallery while you're at it.

Sony Pictures Classics

We here at NextMovie aren't just about the big-budget blockbusters. We're shallow, but we're not that shallow. (Fine, we're pretty shallow.)

April 17 begins the Tribeca Film Festival, where "little films that could" that really aren't that little and often star big-name actors are submitted to be judged by Hollywood's finest discerning eyes and also those of Eva Longoria.

Eva has to watch many films, but we think you guys would be specifically interested in the following ten.

'Adult World'

Defying the ever-popular "girl works at a sex shop in upstate New York in order to fund her completely stagnated poetry career" stereotype in movies, "Adult World" stars Emma Roberts as protege and John Cusack as mentor as the former is forced to take a post-graduate job in an intercourse parlor (which is way more fun to say than "sex shop"). Eventually, Roberts' character bonds with her sexified (read: gross) co-workers and develops a flirty relationship with poet Cusack, and we all learn a lesson to never judge a book by its cover unless its written by Matt Christopher.

'Almost Christmas'

The fittingly-named "Almost Christmas" is fittingly named because this movie kind of sounds amazing. The Pauls Rudd and Giamatti star as cons and unlikely pals who team up to sell Christmas trees in New York City after Rudd gets out of a Montreal prison and can't find another gig. Giamatti always brings it, but I'm more excited that Rudd finally took a break from playing the "I'm just your average, everyday, handsome, witty single man who didn't know he was looking for love" character and went for something a bit more misanthropic. Should be solid.

'Before Midnight'

Regretfully not titled "Before Sunset: Back in the Saddle," "Before Midnight" is the third film in the "Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke intelligently talk about life and love over the course of ten or so hours before they have to sadly part ways" series, because writer/director Richard Linklater apparently wasn't done publicly pondering the intricacies of relationships. The film takes place in Greece, which is only the third prettiest thing on screen if you count the two co-leads, and should be the conclusion of the series unless the two reunite in 2048 for "Before Bingo."

'A Birder's Guide to Everything'

The title "A Birder's Guide to Everything" is inspired and folksy in the mold of recent offerings like "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" or "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," except that no one has ever really considered the opinion of a birder as something to take with any sort of gravitas (unless your dad is a birder or something). But director Rob Meyer's film debut is charming enough to leave you with a nice feeling in your stomach as you leave the theater, which is kind of all you can ask for, right? Don't answer that — it is. Trust us.

'Flex Is Kings'

The movie at the Tribeca Film Festival most likely to be green squiggly underlined when you type it out in a Microsoft Word document, "Flex is Kings" is a documentary uncovering the world of (you guessed it) "Flex," a form of street dance that can only be described as "something you probably can't do very well if you don't do yoga or are in general un-athletic." Co-directors Deidre Schoo and Michael Beach Nichols travel deep into Brooklyn to document those who perform Flex competitively to taunt the rest of us.

'G.B.F.'

Stealing the abbreviated future title of my documentary about Gary Busey's comeback ("Gary Busey, F**ker"), "G.B.F." is actually a shortened form of "Gay Best Friend," which the three most popular girls at a high school are all trying to have following the outing of the school's first gay student. The GBF becomes the new hot item, like a Tory Burch bag or Jimmy Choo shoes (at least according to the 27-year-old female high school teacher sitting next to me at the moment), and the ladies join the audience in growing as people as they fight one another for social supremacy.

'The Pretty One'

Zoe Kazan, assumedly flattered that she plays the title character in a movie called "The Pretty One," is identical twins Audrey and Laurel, one of whom is awesome and one of whom is the opposite of awesome. Random chance one night puts the non-awesome girl in the shoes of the awesome girl, and hilarious hijinks ensue. The film fan's brain naturally thinks of Nicolas Cage's performance in "Adaptation.," and as much s**t as the public gives Cage today (rightfully so), he killed the duel Charlie Kaufman role. Will be interesting to see if Kazan can do the same.

'Prince Avalanche'

Paul Rudd assumes you aren't tired of him after watching "Almost Christmas" and also stars in "Prince Avalanche," this time with the ever-versatile Emile Hirsch. The duo play two gentlemen who are hired to repaint a highway in Central Texas that had been damaged in a forest fire. They initially hate each other, but then they start to like each other, and we all watch them grow as people in the process. Then you get home, look at your brother-in-law, Terry, and say to him, "You're not so bad, you son of a b**tch." Anyway, "Pineapple Express" director David Gordon Green is at the helm for this coming of age flick.

'Run and Jump'

The ridiculously-underrated-in-his-SNL-heyday Will Forte makes his dramatic debut in "Run and Jump" as a doctor who delivers a research grant to a family recovering in the wake of the patriarch's stroke. That's enough for me to be interested, but if you're still not convinced ... well, then you're probably unsalvageable, because Will Forte is awesome. How about the fact that the main character is a sassy Irish lady? No? Still not feeling it? Whatever, you don't like Will Forte anyway. I'm not trying to impress you.

'V/H/S 2'

Initially mistaken as the long-lost sequel to "What To Expect When You're Expecting," "V/H/S 2" is actually the sequel to last year's low-budgeted 2012 sensation "V/H/S" and is once again about people finding unlabeled old VHS tapes that feature some frankly f**cked-up s**t. So if you want to tackle Tribeca amongst the artiest of New York City elite but are still not above being in the mood for some old-fashioned flesh-eating zombies and murderous aliens, look no further than the sequel to "What to Expect When..." — uh, I mean "V/H/S."

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Tom Cruise is Not. That. Short.

OK, so no one's saying that 5-foot-7 is tall or anything, but, for as long as we can remember, Cruise's height has been a hot topic of conversation. Which is particularly amusing because we don't recall anyone mentioning anything about Robert Downey Jr. or Javier Bardem's stature. Yet, they too stand 5-foot-7.

You're floored? You had no idea? We know. So, because we could come up with plenty of A-list stars and action movie icons who stand exactly as tall as the Top Gun, a few small inches taller or, in some cases, slightly shorter, and because there's simply so much else to talk about when it comes to the "Oblivion" star, we've created a Hollywood Height Chart. It should lay this argument to rest so you can leave T.C. alone once and for all.

Well, on this issue, at least.

Click the image to enlarge.

Sony

Apocalypse comedies are all the rage lately – seriously, they're more common than Nicolas Cage movies right now – but in terms of originality, it's hard to beat "This Is the End."

The summer release, co-written and co-directed by longtime buds/collaborators Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, features six of film's funniest joke-slingers (Rogen, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson and Jay Baruchel) playing "heightened versions" of themselves on the night of The Reckoning. Better yet, it takes place at a Hollywood house party and features handfuls of celebrity cameos, many of which end in gory demises.

That leaves our six main players left to fend for themselves while utter catastrophe reigns outside of the house (Franco's) they've barricaded themselves in.

We ventured south last spring to behold some of the improv-heavy shenanigans on a soundstage outside of New Orleans, where Franco's Hollywood house had been constructed. Here are the 15 most notable quotables.

Sony

"You have to prep the movie very fast and just get them spending money before they know what they're doing." – Danny McBride

You got the sense from all the major players involved on set that they were surprised a major Hollywood studio (Sony) would finance such a bizarro, balls-to-the-wall project.

"We suck with titles." – Seth Rogen

The project evolved from a short Rogen and Baruchel made a few years back called "Jay and Seth Vs. the Apocalypse." In its feature-length incarnation, it became "End of the World," and held that title at the time of our interviews. "There's a chance this isn't what the title ultimately ends up being," Rogen said. He was right.

Sony

"I actually don't like houses." – James Franco

We asked Franco if he had any insight as to why Rogen and Goldberg set the action at his fictional abode, and he was clueless. "We're supposed to be in my big mansion, but I don't have a house. I live in an apartment in New York, a pretty small one, on the Lower East Side." He added, "I've bought a couple houses over the years and I've always sold them. I found I don't like houses." As to if this house in particular would've been funded with "Spider-Man" money? "I guess. I'm sure Seth has more money than I have."

"I'm playing myself. So I'm an international superstar playboy extraordinaire." – Danny McBride

In seriousness, the "Eastbound and Down" star described the sextet's roles as "heightened versions" of themselves. "This movie doesn't take a lot of preparation," I won't lie." Baruchel described their takes on characters as "'Curb Your Enthusiasm'-ish... We are ourselves and we're not."

Sony

"There are aspects of me. Like I'm an actor. I like art. I like Seth." – James Franco

Each of the actor's personas were pushed to "a goofy extreme," the actor said. "The character [is] stupider. He's got the emotional level of a 13-year-old. They all do, I think… He's just a little shallower than I like to think that I am."

"I don't think I am as whiny. I cry a lot in this movie." – Craig Robinson

If he found himself fighting for survival in real life, Robinson says it'd be a whole new ballgame. "I think I'd be more like, 'Yeah, bring it mother f**ker."

Sony

"We definitely started off with everyone being full-blown assholes." – Evan Goldberg

Goldberg and Rogen subsequently realized that audiences might not care to watch a feature-length film about six arrogant actors they couldn't stand. "So we kind of gave them each more realistic characters," Goldberg said, to which Rogen added: "Gave them different types of assholes!"

"Seth oddly enough doesn't really have any negative attributes. He comes off as courageous and bold." – Danny McBride

The benefits of being the writer-director-producer, too? We're pretty sure he's kidding. Pretty sure.

Sony

"I'm wearing the studio-approved version of what I would wear." – Jay Baruchel

The actors were encouraged to bring their own wardrobes to set, or in some in cases, specific items. Robinson, for instance, was told to bring the custom-made monogrammed towels he's known for sporting. "I sweat a lot," he said. "I just like to have a towel, like Linus or somebody."

"Like if the Kardashians suddenly were fighting aliens or something like that." – James Franco

That's a point of reference Franco brings up for comparison when elaborating on the actors tweaking their public personas for the role. "I hope nobody watches this and thinks, 'Oh, that's what they're really like.'"

Sony

"It's insanely violent. I've seen a lot of celebrities die very grisly deaths." – Danny McBride

Sign us up.

"There's a lot of s**tting on each other's work in this movie." – Jay Baruchel

Baruchel, whose character is in town "visiting" from Montreal the night of the party (Actual Baruchel remains north of the border as well), on the actors' continual jabs at each other's bodies of work. "We're just blaspheming constantly." As Robinson would put it, "Nothing is off limits. Everybody is getting skewered."

"'Knocked Up' was my first big movie role, I think. Well, I had done a modern movie classic called 'Accepted' before that – I think it's on the AFI 100 list, if you've never seen it." – Jonah Hill

Hill was explaining how the dynamic has been different on "This Is the End" from "Knocked Up," in which he, Baruchel and Rogen shared multiple scenes. "I was younger and learning about having bigger parts and movies and learning from Judd and Seth and those guys."

Sony

"I think my wedding was the last time all four of us were together, yeah, in a swimming pool filled with piss." – Danny McBride

"This Is the End" marks the reunion of four stars of "Pineapple Express": McBride, Rogen, Franco and Robinson.

"I felt like I was in 'The Walking Dead,' where it's like one drunk guy sensed I was there, and then another… It was like, 'Keep f**king moving." – Danny McBride

McBride had been asked if the six stars were enjoying shooting together in New Orleans, and more specifically, if they could walk down Bourbon St. together without chaos reigning in the street in real life.

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Receiving an invitation to the Oscars is great. Receiving an invitation to the MTV Movie Awards is even better (that's right, even better). Receiving an invitation to both? Why, you've just hit your zenith as an actor. You've covered all bases. The old white people at the Academy think you're important, and the MTV generation thinks you're rad. Yes, rad.

But which of the two prestigious events did the following thespians enjoy more, by our perception?

Let's find out!

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Bradley Cooper

Where did he have more fun? The Movie Awards

Why? Um, he finally didn't f**king lose to Daniel Day-Lewis? Yes, Cooper finally beat Day-Lewis in this year's award season for his performance in "Silver Linings Playbook," so just by virtue of not having to sit in his front-row seat and fake-smile for the 5,693rd time in the last four months as Daniel Day-Lewis re-stole the hearts of film fans everywhere with his inevitably uber-gracious acceptance speech, Cooper had more fun last night. Though we have to say, the idea of someone as dignified as Day-Lewis showing up to the ceremony and accepting a Golden Popcorn would have been superb. Maybe in 2017, when he wins for his triumphant performance as Neil Armstrong in "We Came in Peace." (I demand royalties if this actually happens. Just wanted to put that in writing for legal purposes.)

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Jamie Foxx

Where did he have more fun? The Movie Awards

Why? At the Oscars, Foxx got to sit near Kerry Washington, Christoph Waltz and Quentin Tarantino, and listen to Waltz and Tarantino name-drop and thank him on stage when they each won their respective cane-holding golden eunuchs. That must have been a nice feeling. At the Movie Awards, however, Foxx received the Generation Award — an award whose qualifications, if I'm determining correctly, seem to be "You've been awesome for a really long time, so here's this Golden Popcorn" — and, like Cooper, got to go up on stage himself for a little while. Moreover, like the Oscars, he once again brought his absolutely stunning daughter to the Movie Awards, which, score.

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Samuel L. Jackson

Where did he have more fun? The Movie Awards

Why? It's no one's fault — alright, fine, it's the Academy's fault — but Samuel L. Jackson at the Academy Awards just isn't the same as Samuel L. Jackson at the Movie Awards. The pomp and circumstance of the Oscars dictates that Samuel L. Jackson must keep his Samuel L. Jackson-ness under wraps for three hours. Basically, he can't just walk around saying "motherf**ker" whenever he wants and have it be cool. I mean, I guess he could try, and it would be awesome, but it probably wouldn't fly too well in the eyes of the Academy. At the Movie Awards, he can do what he wants, up to and including delivering an almost entirely bleeped out speech, which, thank goodness. Plus, he won twice, for best fight and best WTF moment, and Martin Landau isn't going to win any MTV Movie Awards anytime soon.

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Quvenzhane Wallis

Where did she have more fun? The Oscars

Why? The Academy loves it when it can exploit a pre-teen actor or actress and figuratively poke it on the cheek all night for the world to see, so just in terms of attention/Seacrest fawning on you, it's hard to top Oscar night. Plus, it is the Oscars, and the chance of a 9-year-old taking home the cane-holding golden eunuch was exciting. And the Movie Awards featured so many crass jokes that it's hard not to think that it probably made her a worse person over the course of two hours. Just the facts.

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Melissa McCarthy

Where did she have more fun? The Movie Awards

Why? In the same vein as Sam Jackson, McCarthy has the freedom to fully run with her Melissa McCarthy-ness at the MTV Movie Awards that she might not get to at the Oscars. Getting to go to the Oscars is still an honor, but the Academy still manages to treat comedy as a nice distraction that's never actually worthy of winning any major awards — like, "Hmm, yes, that was amusing — now bring me 'The English Patient 2' so we can throw nine tiny cane-holding golden men at it! Right away!" Plus, the Oscars were February 24th, and McCarthy probably didn't know at that point that "Identity Thief" was going to somehow end up making $132 million. Un-fun!

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Amanda Seyfried

Where did she have more fun? The Oscars

Why? Seyfried just exudes a sense of class that is made for the Oscars and its red carpet, like she and the Academy both understand that she will eventually win an Oscar and that's why she's smirking all the time, almost like pre-"Walk the Line" Reese Witherspoon. With the exception of Nicholas Sparks-ish dumpster fires like "Dear John," she already has the career that allows us to confidently assume that she'll spend the next couple decades using February to prepare for Oscar night. So it's nothing against the Movie Awards, necessarily, as it is that the Oscars and Seyfried seem made for each other.

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Kerry Washington

Where did she have more fun? Both

Why? Because the cast of "Django" has spent so much time at award ceremonies since the beginning of the year that they've probably figured out how to have a good time at any show at this point, be it the high-class pretentiousness of the Oscars or the "Yes, I will have a seventh martini!" party atmosphere of the Movie Awards. Plus, doesn't "both!" seem like exactly what Washington would say if you directly asked her where she had a better time? And you'd believe her. You're too good for us, Kerry.

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The Cast of 'Marvel's The Avengers'

Where did they have more fun? The Movie Awards

Why? Because they spent just as much time on stage accepting awards as they did sitting in their seats watching the show. And the Oscars, sadly, do not hand out an award for "Best Villain," though the world would be a better place if they did.

Che Magazine

There's nothing to really do when waiting for a train in a subway station. There isn't any cell phone service, and even if you're with friends, the odds that they are ten-minutes-of-straight-conversation-level interesting are sadly low. You might say that being on a subway platform makes for our only real, actual chance to take a break from staring at glowing rectangles all day and "Disconnect." So you people-watch, and sometimes, you notice the ads on the wall — some of which don't even have impromptu sharpie penises drawn on them.

For the last six months, almost every New York City subway station has been graced with an ad for Remy Martin champagne that features actress Paula Patton and her husband, k.d. lang hilarious comedic actor Alan Thicke's significantly less talented child singer Robin Thicke. They are on the roof of the U.S. Bank Tower in downtown Los Angeles and drinking Remy Martin champagne, obviously interested in each other sexually. What are we to glean from this ad? "Drink Remy Martin and get your f**k on," I suppose. Great.

It's a nice ad because Patton is scorching and she's wearing a lovely dress. It's a not-nice ad because it makes you wonder to yourself why you aren't married to Paula Patton, as I have many times.

Together, in two sections, let's try to figure out why:

Logistically

GQ

She's Significantly Older Than Me

Paula and I were born in the same month a decade apart, and though an age difference that sweeping isn't an issue for some couples, it wouldn't have put us at the same prom or had her laughing at my s**tty jokes in fourth grade, which matters. Still, I would always have the "Wait, you're a Sagittarius? OMG, so am I! We're totes made for each other!" card in my back pocket if I ever saw her out, which would be equally good for a laugh and to watch Robin Thicke angrily stare me down while he stood beside her (both turn-ons). Ultimately, this could have been overcome.

She Grew Up in California; I Did Not

Paula hails from Los Angeles, I hail from the other side of the United States from Los Angeles. Hard to get a head start on making her my spouse if we didn't emerge from the same area of the world. I did live there for a few years, though, and regrettably did not research the bars and restaurants she and k.d. frequent so I could creepily linger nearby — or, even better, hide in the forest of Robin's standing front-mullet while I eavesdropped on their conversations to pick up on her interests for future conversations. That one's on me.

The Internet Was Weaker When We Were Growing Up

Meaning it would have been more difficult to carry on any potential long-distance relationship as teenagers in 1992 (or 2002, in my case) than it would be now, with Gchat and smartphones and Skype and all that jazz. I'm assuming our relationship would have started young because the current relationship between Patton and the attention-starved child of an actor on "Growing Pains" started in high school, about which we can all simultaneously say "aw" and projectile vomit.

Emotionally

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Alan Thicke Was Never My Dad

It stands to reason that Patton was probably a pretty big "Growing Pains" fan in the early '90s, when she and Alan's son met for the first time. It couldn't have hurt to have had Alan Thicke as your built-in Sunday dinner entertainment when you're trying to court your new girlfriend. "Your dad's hilarious." "I know, right? BTW I wanted to show you something in my bedroom real quick." Never mind the fact that Alan's on-screen son and current crazy person Kirk Cameron was the love of every young girl's life not that long ago (how weird is that to read, by the way) — why not go for Jason Seaver's real, actual child? I get it, Paula. I'm not saying I respect it, but I get it.

I Don't Have A 'Standing Front Mullet'

This is a term I coined a few paragraphs ago, and it absolutely works to describe Robin Thicke's head of hair. Take a regular mullet — let's say a nice, juicy Billy Ray Cyrus mullet circa 1988 — and pretend it can be detached from Billy Ray's scalp, "Hannibal"-style. Then, simply rotate it 180 degrees so the mullet hair is in Billy's face, but make it stand straight up, as if it's 15 years old and just got caught with weed outside by the cops. You're telling me that, with a slight trim, it's not Robin Thicke's current hair? Robin has a standing front mullet. He just does. And I can't confirm whether Paula only goes for guys with standing front mullets, but the proof is in the pudding. (Speaking of pudding, Bill Cosby would have been a better dad to have than even Alan Thicke circa 1991. Note to self.) I have way better hair than him, Paula. Facts are facts.

I Don't Have a Car

I'm not calling Paula shallow necessarily, but I was probably a little bit cooler when I had a car a couple years ago. But I moved to New York, dammit. Cars are good in New York for 1) getting parking tickets, and 2) nothing else. God, think for ONE second, Paula. (A relationship fight! LOL WE ALWAYS DO THIS! THIS IS SO US, PAULA!)

GQ

I Don't Own a Guitar

This is probably a gross oversimplification in your case, Paula, but the fact is that the ladies love a guitar player, and Robin can (allegedly) hang with the best. I bought a guitar when I was 12 and was disinterested after six weeks, so even if it's 1,000% obvious that Robin started taking guitar lessons with the goal of eventually getting laid, I can at least admire his persistence. (Tries genuinely to admire his persistence) (Fails)

I've Never Written a Song About Her

According to Paula's IMDb page, Robin's 2006 song "Lost Without U" was written for Paula. I suppose it's meant to be ironic, as the word "lost" already doesn't have the letter "u" so if it's without "u" then ... oh, he meant the word "you" and just wrote it the same way he would as if he were mindlessly texting her while driving? How romantic! I'd have recorded "Lost Without U" for you, Paula, but I couldn't find anyone to kick me in the nuts so my voice would get that high. Also, what kind of a question is "How does it feel to know that I love you, baby"? What kind of humble-bragging madness is that? "Isn't my love the best, babe? Babe? Where are you going? (reads folded-up cocktail napkin from her purse) Babe, who's 'Nick'?"

There's still time, Paula. There will always be time. I'm here. And Robin, listen, no hard feelings. You are cool. I mean, sorry — U R kewl.

View Gallery »

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Phew! What a ride! Two short hours later, the MTV Movie Awards are over, and it's safe to say that the 2013 version was as memorable as any. One thing's for sure: I definitely didn't write this vague, general introduction a full 45 minutes before the show even started.

It was a whirlwind 120 minutes, and even if you didn't miss a moment, you may have missed a few moments. So let's head to the replay booth and recap the best and worst of what we just saw.

BEST: Snoop Lion Calling "Magic Mike" a "Beautiful Movie" on the Red Carpet
And it wasn't even awkward. America just nodded. 

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: "The Only Thing I've Hosted is This Parasitic Worm."
Haha/ew.

BEST: Rebel Wilson's Physical Comedy
She dominated the intro's "Pitch Perfect" reunion that was only sullied by the production staff inexplicably cutting to Kim Kardashian's botoxified reaction at the end of the performance.

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: The "Lena Dunham's Vagina" Joke
Haha/ew.

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BEST: Bradley Cooper's Win For "Silver Linings Playbook"
Let's face it: Old versions of the MTV Movie Awards would have given the win to Channing Tatum in "Magic Mike" because OMG SO F**KING HOT ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW LOL or something along those lines. Cooper's win shows some evolution and maturation. Well done, award voters. You can sit at the adult table now. But only for dessert.

WORST: Cooper Refusing to Rub the Win in Daniel Day-Lewis' Face in His Speech
As the rest of us would have done. Take your three Oscars and shove it, Dan, Brad got the muthaf**kin' POPCORN.

BEST: Jamie Foxx's Daughter Coming to the Show Again
Or was that his girlfriend? Either way, on behalf of everyone, thanks for coming, person next to Jamie Foxx. UPDATE (10:55pm): It's his daughter! Alright!

BEST: Samuel L. Jackson Nonchalantly Swearing After His Win With Foxx For "Django Unchained"
The idea of swearing on a platform where your profanity will almost definitely be bleeped out has almost become trite, but not when Sam Jackson does it. Because Sam Jackson does what he wants, when he wants, and we've been all the better for it for decades.

WORST: When Samuel L. Jackson Didn't Nonchalantly Swear After His "Best Fight" Win For "The Avengers"
Quit spoiling us, Sam.

BEST: The Scientists Who Cloned Seth Meyers 93% Of The Way to Create Eddie Redmayne
Great job, guys.

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: The Idea of Jonah Hill as Christian Grey in "50 Shades of Grey"
Haha/ew/I'm kind of intrigued?

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WORST: The People Who Allegedly Teased Emma Watson in School
We're coming for you, former schoolchildren of the UK. We're coming for all of you.

WORST: The Fact That Rebel Wilson Wasn't Actually in "Les Miserables"
I think it's clear we all missed out on what would have been a better movie. Shame on you, Tom Hooper. Just retire now.

WORST: Jennifer Lawrence's No-Show for "Best Kiss"
Oh suurrrreee, Jen — you're all about showing up when someone wants to give you an Oscar, but when MTV wants to give you a fake box of popcorn for letting us watch you passionately kiss someone, you're all of a sudden "busy."

BEST: Macklemore's Performing Outfit
You never know when the next time you're going to be able to perform at the MTV Movie Awards will be, so sure, Macklemore, we endorse your decision to dress like Captain Crunch.

BEST: Quvenzhane Wallis' Drinking Habit
Good for you, Q. Hollywood's tough, especially when no one can say your name correctly except one super-handsome person.

WORST: The Fact That It's Called "Game of Thrones" and Not "Dragons and Titties."
George R. R. Martin, please go the way of Tom Hooper.

BEST: Peter Dinklage's Comedic Timing
Will some Hollywood director give Pete a break from Dragons and Titties and cast him as the lead in a comedy already? Apatow, looking at you, big dog.

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BEST: The Impact That Will Ferrell Has Had on All of Our Lives
It's entirely possible that 2013 Will Ferrell has somehow become underrated. And his family is beautiful.

WORST: The Line "We're Gonna Need Some Cars, and Make Sure They're Fast" From the "Fast & Furious 6" Promo
Oh, they need to be fast, Dom? Not a big fan of slow cars these days? Thanks for the heads-up.

WORST: The Decision to Not Cut to Quvenzhane Wallis When She Lost "Best Breakthrough Performance" to Rebel Wilson
Self-explanatory.

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: The Amount of Pubic Hair Jokes for the Entirety of the Show
One is fine. Two is better. Even three is great. 8,716 might be a few too many.

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: Taylor Lautner's "Shirtless" Win Speech
"Haha, I let myself go, guys! I'm huge now! LOL just kidding I still have 0.7% body fat and can have sex with the whole room if I snap my fingers once."

BEST: Tom Hiddleston's Name-Dropping Abilities
To save some time after winning the Golden Popcorn for "Best Villain," Hiddleston should have just brought up a recording of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire," hit play and walked off the stage.

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BEST: Oh Hello, Selena Gomez
Spraaang break. Spraaaaaaang break. Sprang break for evahhhhhh.

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: Rebel Wilson's Third Nipple
I shouldn't presume — could be a fourth or fifth nipple for all we know. And as she relayed to all of us, that would be okay.

BEST: Jamie Foxx's Head Tattoo
Why did I not know about this before? A) It's fantastic, but B) why is Mike Tyson a crazy person when he gets a tattoo on his head but when Jamie Foxx does it it's totally cool? Oh, because Jamie Foxx didn't also bite someone's ear off and then attempt to "fade into Bolivian?" Got it.

WORST: Liam Hemsworth's Australian Accent
Just stop, dude. Like you don't have enough going for you. Please.

BEST: Philip Seymour Hoffman in "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire"
As if to purposely pre-empt any potential "Hunger Games" exhaustion, the film's producers cast the Notorious PSH as a villain for the second movie. Score.

BEST: Brad Pitt's "Brad Pitt" Costume
$14.95 at K-Mart April-September, $29.95 in October.

BEST: Bill Paxton and Jim Gaffigan For Having Birthed Joss Whedon So He Could Make "The Avengers"
Hopefully Paxton and Gaffigan at least got "Special Thanks" shout-outs in the credits.

The MTV Movie Awards hostess with the mostest is not only headlining Sunday night's fun-filled awards extravaganza, she also stars in some of our favorite movies (hey there, "Pitch Perfect" and "Bachelorette"!) and drops the most notable quotables we've ever heard, to say nothing of her legendary dance moves.

In honor of Rebel's turn as emcee, we've combined her with our second favorite thing (GIFs, of course), for your viewing pleasure. Ahead, enjoy the most rebellious GIFs you'll ever seen, in a little sumpin' sumpin' we like to call What Should We Call Rebel Wilson.

When she's asked to host the MTV Movie Awards:

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When Russell Crowe cusses her out:

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When she's being casual:

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When asked about her unique hosting qualifications:

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When she's pumped:

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When she crushes it:

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When she's practicing her moves:

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When she's JUST BEEN SHOT:

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When she's questioning your word choice:

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When she knew all along:

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When she gets in touch with her spiritual side:

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When she's making a love connection:

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When she doesn't need shoes to bust a move:

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When she's turning the beat around:

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When she's not sure what you get up to in your free time:

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When she's victorious (see also: crushing it):

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When the night is over:

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Be sure to tun in Sunday night at 9 p.m. Eastern for more Rebel Wilson than you can shake a stick at during the 2013 MTV Movie Awards!

MTV

The MTV Movie Awards turns 22 this Sunday, April 14, which means yes, our beloved awards show has been drinking legally for a year.

In people years, the MTV Movie Awards still wouldn't be able to rent a car at the regular rate; but in the accolades-passing-out universe, 22 consecutive years of awarding popcorn statues to the A-list, producing the funniest movie spoofs ever, trying to wrangle Jim Carrey through his many stunts and witnessing the horror that was Borat's booty in Eminem's face has made it one of the most fun, most can't-be-missed awards shows in all Awards Show Land.

To celebrate the upcoming show (Sunday, April 14, 9:00 p.m. ET, MTV), here's our walk down memory lane with stops along the way to recall the 20 most memorable Movie Awards moments ever.

2000: When Tom Cruise Met Tom Crooze

MTV

Ben Stiller cut short his honeymoon and hopped onto a 15-hour plane ride to fly home to Los Angeles and film the classic clip in which he plays Tom Crooze, the movie stunt double for Tom Cruise. Making the most of the Cruise impersonation Stiller had been perfecting for years, the video finds the duo working on "M:I 2" with director John Woo, while Cruise struggles to find the words to describe his zealous double ("He's harmless" is oft repeated) and both Toms dissolve into creepy laughter at the end. "The part where we're both laughing is kinda real," Stiller said in an "MTV Movie Awards Confidential" special, "because we're both laughing at the absurdity of the moment." | Watch the video

2007: Best (or Is That Most Disturbing?) Kiss

You have to know that when Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen get together on an irreverent awards show, and the precedent is for one funny guy to outdo the last one, there's likely to be some outrageous activity ahead. And the "Talladega Nights" co-stars didn't disappoint while accepting their Movie Award statue for Best Kiss. In fact, they put most other Best Kiss winners to shame by not only reenacting the film buss, but by adding to the, um, passion, when they went into full makeout mode, complete with groping and rolling around on the stage. | Watch the Video

2009: Eminem Becomes the Butt of Brüno's Joke

Getty Images

Or was he? Turned out, no. When Sacha Baron Cohen, as his flamboyant fashionista alter ego Brüno, dropped from the rafters of the Gibson Amphitheatre, booty up, into the lap of Eminem — his thonged bottom mere inches from the rapper's face — it appeared that Eminem had been Brüno'ed. Especially when, in response to Brüno's "Nice to meet you," Em shouted, "Are you serious? Are you f***in' serious?!" But the real Slim Shady later admitted in an interview that he was not only in on the gag, but found it hilarious. "I'm thrilled that we pulled this off better than we rehearsed it," Eminem said. "After the ceremony I went back to my hotel and laughed uncontrollably for about three hours. Especially after I saw it on air." | Watch the Video

2007: Sarah Silverman Goes There With Paris Hilton

No, not there ... though 2007 Movie Awards host Silverman did almostsortakinda lock lips with Jessica Biel. But no, we are referring to Silverman's far more outrageous moment as host, when, during her opening monologue, she made reference to the impending jail sentence of celebutant — and MTV reality show star — Paris Hilton. The Awards took place on June 3, and Hilton was scheduled to begin serving her DUI-related jail stint on June 5, so it was an especially big oh-no-she-di'int moment when Silverman unleashed this: "In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail ... I heard that, to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I just worry that she's going to break her teeth on those things."

Hilarious? To some — though, not, of course, Hilton, who was just rows away in the audience and looked less than thrilled at Silverman's verbal jabs. No worries, though, because Paris got the last word. She fooled everyone when she secretly headed off to begin serving her jail term two days early, right after the Movie Awards, denying paparazzi their chance at getting a shot of her heading to the hoosegow. | Watch the Video

1999: Jim Carrey Loves Him Some Foghat

Getty Images

Who was that long-haired, bushy-bearded hippie taking the stage to accept Jim Carrey's Best Male Performance MTV Movie Award for "The Truman Show"? It was Carrey, even though half the audience hadn't recognized him until he sauntered onto the stage to accept his statue. Never breaking character during his nearly four-and-a-half-minute schtick (which no one, even Movie Awards producers, had been privy to before the show), the actor gave a shout-out to the ladies in the audience, and had a little musical request for MTV.

"There sure is some fine-looking p***y in this room tonight, I'll tell you that much. You're all going in my fantasy file," he said to the delight of audience members like Courtney Love, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Keri Russell. And a request for MTV network execs: "I got a little bone to pick with the programming department. I like rap music as much as a nice, frightened Caucasian ... But would it kill you every once in a while to play a little Foghat?" | Watch the Video

2011: 'Twilight' Stars Finally Make Out

No, not Best Kiss winners Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, who prefer keeping their relationship on the DL. But while R.Pattz and K.Stew enjoying being coy about their rumored romance — teasing MTV Movie Awards audiences with an onstage kiss, yet never quite doing the deed — Rob had no problem locking lips with someone who would "appreciate it a little more": his other "Twilight" co-star, Taylor Lautner. Did we just witness the start of a new movement? Team Edward + Jacob? | Watch the Video

2008: High Times With James Franco and Seth Rogen

Getty Images

Did they or didn't they? They most definitely did, as in "Pineapple Express" co-stars Franco and Rogen did most definitely walk out onto the Movie Awards stage holding a bag of what appeared to be weed, and they did light up and puff on what appeared to be a giant joint, as they proclaimed to the audience. MTV producers freaked out, pulling out to a wide shot and covering the alleged joint with graphics. But was the weed — and the lit joint — even real? 2008 MTV Movie Awards producer Mark Burnett says he still doesn't know, but, despite the fact that the offense has been edited out of subsequent airings of the show, he acknowledges that it "was great for 'Pineapple Express,' great for the Movie Awards and another funny, MTV Movie Awards pop culture moment." | Watch the Video

2001: Jimmy Fallon — It's Funny in Herre

Back in 2001, would anyone have predicted that Jimmy Fallon would become the clever late-night talk show host he's become today? Perhaps not, but this intro for the 2001 Movie Awards, which Fallon co-hosted with Kirsten Dunst, should have been a giant clue. Fallon had displayed his musician impersonation skills on "Saturday Night Live," but the Movie Awards opening medley, in which he performed Movie Awards-related spoofs of tunes by Dave Matthews, Avril Lavigne and Eminem, was highlighted by a cheeky exchange with audience member Nelly, as Fallon questioned the rapper's pronunciation of the word "here" while performing "Hot in Herre." | Watch the Video

2003: Cut Off Yoda, You Won't

Getty Images

Awards show orchestras are infamous for letting award winners know their time at the podium is up by playing music to shoo them off the stage. But when that winner was emotional Jedi master Yoda ("Promise myself, cry I would not"), the recipient of the Best Fight statue for his performance in "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones," even the Movie Awards musicians didn't dare to cut him off, as the diminutive green one had warned them not to. "Play off Yoda, no one does." | Watch the Video

2007: A Little Depp'll Do Ya

Let's be honest: Johnny Depp, the Johnny Depp, doesn't have to show up at any awards show. Which is why the fact that he did make a surprise appearance, graciously acknowledging that a little popcorn statue was coming to him courtesy of the fans who'd voted his gig in "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" as Best Male Performance of the year, makes him such a rock star. Movie Awards audiences rarely react with such glee — Depp got a standing ovation — and even other famous types, like audience member Gerard Butler, seemed delighted by Depp's presence. | Watch the Video

2010: Les Grossman: Movie Awards Producer

He's back! The oily, tough-talking exec played so memorably by Tom Cruise in "Tropic Thunder" made a surprise appearance to open the 2010 Movie Awards, as he tried to sell "Twilight" hunks Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner an action flick called "Bad-Ass Cops" and cajoled Jaden Smith (with papa Will watching) into breaking his arm. The unsung genius of the Grossman sketch: Bill Hader, reprising his role as Grossman's studio underling, Rob Slolum, who kisses up to his tyrannical boss even though he's clearly horrified by his tactics. | Watch the Video

2010: More Les

MTV

But Les Grossman wasn't content to be seen just on video at the 2010 Movie Awards; he also did a little song-and-dance number that outshined his "Tropic Thunder" dance to Flo Rida's "Low." Using pal Ludacris' "Get Back" as his musical inspiration this time around, Les, joined by a scantily clad Jennifer Lopez (this was pre-"American Idol" for J. Lo ... doubt she'd hoof it with Les now), got jiggy with it for an appreciative Movie Awards crowd that included the very amused Samuel L. Jackson, Lindsay Lohan and, of course, Mrs. Grossman ... err, Mrs. Cruise, Katie Holmes. | Watch the Video

1993: Oh, Mrs. Brady!

It was just so wrong, which is, of course, what made it so hilarious when the all-grown-up members of "The Brady Bunch" cast reenacted that naughty "Basic Instinct" interrogation scene with Carol Brady herself (aka Florence Henderson) in the role played by the sultry, legs-uncrossing Sharon Stone. Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) and sister Cindy (Susan Olsen) questioned her about "the nature of her relationship" with Sam the Butcher, prompting cool-as-a-cucumber Carol to 'fess up to an affair with Sam. "I liked having sex with him," she said. "He gave me a lot of pleasure ... and a 30 percent discount on rump roast." | Watch the Video

2005: Real/Reel-Life Best Kiss

Getty Images

Who says real-life couples don't have chemistry on-screen? Well, lots of people, and it's usually true. But we'll have to point out an exception, via the 2005 Movie Awards. Best Kiss winners Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams, who nabbed a popcorn trophy for their liplocking in "The Notebook," also happened to be a real-life couple at the time. And when they hit the stage to accept their award, they walked to opposite sides of the stage, removed their jackets and walked towards each other, meeting up in a scorching reenactment of their passionate "Notebook" smooch. Cameras panned to the audience, where stars like Hilary Swank, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan looked awed ... and more than a little envious. | Watch the Video

2003: Justin Timberlake Underwear. Under Where? Under There!

Justin Timberlake and Seann William Scott cohosted the 2003 Movie Awards, and, as far as Scott thought, the hosts were supposed to show up in superhero costumes. He did, JT didn't; and when the frustrated "American Pie" star shed his heavy costume and stripped down to his skivvies, his lacy undershirt and boxers revealed a disturbing tribute to his pal Justin. | Watch the Video

1992: Shatner Boldly Goes to the Movie Awards — and Sings

If anything from the very first MTV Movie Awards in 1992 hinted at the kind of telecast we could expect for years to come, it was the presentation of the nominees for Best Song From a Movie. The contenders: MC Hammer's "Addams Groove" from "The Addams Family," Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" from "New Jack City," Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" from "Rush," Guns N' Roses' "You Could Be Mine" from "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" and the eventual winner, Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You" from "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves."

But instead of a little snippet of the songs as performed by the artists, Movie Awards producers presented the songs in little snippets sung by Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner. And if you think Shatner performing his special spoken-word version of "Rocket Man" is a hoot, treat yourself to The Shat putting his spin on "I Wanna Sex You Up." Priceless. | Watch the Video

1998: A 'Titanic' Sequel?

In this movie-pitch spoof, a pair of execs, played by Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn, tried to convince Oscar-winning "Titanic" director James Cameron he should make a sequel to "Titanic." The movie's premise, according to the execs, was that the passengers from "Titanic" didn't die, but managed to survive for decades in an "air pocket" they found in the ocean. And as ridiculous as it sounds, we'd be willing to bet a pile of cash that Cameron has been pitched some equally outlandish "Titanic" sequel ideas through the years. | Watch the Video

2012: Elizabeth Banks Gets Carried Away

MTV.com

Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum, stars of the then-upcoming "Magic Mike," presented the award for "Best Transformation" to Elizabeth Banks for her near-unrecognizable portrayal of Effie Trinket in "The Hunger Games." "Magic Mike" then managed to upstage the entire bit as "Mike" star Joe Manganiello suddenly appeared as a shirtless fireman and carried Banks off stage. Effie would've freaked; Liz loved it. So did the audience. | Watch the Video

2001: Jim Carrey: Read His Mind

Jim Carrey just gets it, which is why he can always be counted on for a little something special at the Movie Awards. Like when he won the Best Villain award for playing The Grinch in the live-action "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." On his way to the podium to snag his trophy, he took a quick timeout for a bit of body-surfing through the crowd. Then, in a clever bit that -- spoiler alert -- proved the winners had been notified of their prizes in advance, Carrey took the stage and delivered his acceptance speech ... telepathically. | Watch the Video

2001: Halle Berry Wants You to See Her Naked

In a rather clumsy bit of promotion for the movie "Swordfish," future Oscar winner Halle Berry famously exposed her naked breasts. Flanked by "Swordfish" costars John Travolta and Hugh Jackman while presenting the 2001 Movie Award for Best Movie, Berry demanded her male movie cohorts also expose a body part. While she egged them on with a series of ever-louder squeals, Travolta and Jackman finally acquiesced and flashed the audience their ... bellies. Lame? Yes. Then Berry reminded the let-down crowd that they were still in for a treat -- for the price of a movie ticket. "If you pay $8.50 and see 'Swordfish,' you'll see these," she said, running her hands across her breasts. Classy! | Watch the Video

Originally published June 3, 2011.

Greetings from the apocalypse! As you may have heard this past week we lost the big enchilada of film criticism, Roger Ebert. Neither as fanged as Pauline Kael nor a Peter Travers-style studio kiss-ass, Ebert's prose was both literate and fiercely proletariat, with modern film journalism positively maggoty with his influence. Yours truly is honoring his sensei by quoting him throughout this week's column, with a heartfelt tribute at the end.

Friday, April 12

Magnolia Pictures

YOU DOWN WITH VOD?
Terrence Malick is one of the true unique voices of film. Not "modern film," just "film." Period. His elliptical, transcendent style is given perhaps its most undiluted outlet in the form of "To the Wonder," this week's much-coveted "Survivor of Thunderdome." Let's get one thing straight: a lot of you ain't gonna like it. Even if "The Tree of Life" caused you to full-on ejaculate in your corduroys, "To the Wonder" makes that film's scrambled narrative look as straightforward as "The Mighty Ducks." That said, this is Malick's first wholly contemporary film (so many scenes with Sonic drive-thrus!), starring Ben Affleck in a near-silent performance as the male epicenter through which two very different women (Olga Kurylenko and Rachel McAdams) both experience romantic devastation. Anyone who's been in a relationship for more than six months will recognize the rhythms of ecstasy and disappointment as these lovers go from twirling in fields to smashing furniture, with no resolutions to be found. It screens in select cities and on VOD, though because it's Malick you'd have to be some kind of chump to watch his majestic compositions on your iPhone while making a sandwich.
What Roger said: "'Well,' I asked myself, 'why not?' Why must a film explain everything? Why must every motivation be spelled out?"

NETFLIX RECOMMENDS WITH A VENGEANCE
If you've been reading "To the Wonder" reviews wondering what all the fuss is about with this Terrence Malick character, then sit your butt down and watch "Days of Heaven" on Netflix Instant … RIGHT NOW. The story is almost inconsequential: a poor couple working on a farm in Texas pretend to be brother and sister in order for the girl (Brooke Adams) to seduce the wealthy dying farmer (Sam Shepard) and inherit all his loot … except said farmer doesn't die, which gets on the fake brother's (Richard Gere) nerves. This movie is all about the gorgeous, shot-at-magic-hour visuals, but with tender, naturalistic performances to keep it from becoming a two-hour screensaver. One of the best films ever made.
What Roger said: "This is a movie made by a man who knew how something felt, and found a way to evoke it in us. That feeling is how a child feels when it lives precariously, and then is delivered into security and joy, and then has it all taken away again — and blinks away the tears and says it doesn't hurt."

Paramount

FESTIVAL SCHMESTIVAL
As the Windy City mourns the death of native son Roger Ebert, his brothers in arms have dedicated this year's Chicago Critics Film Festival to his memory. The modest event, which runs from today through Sunday, has plenty of cool offerings including a rare 35mm print of 1977's overlooked "trucks full of nitro" classic "Sorcerer" presented by director William Friedkin, Jonathan Levine's unfairly shelved 2006 horror flick "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane" and "Dawn of the Dead" actress Sarah Polley's interviews with family members about her late mother's mysterious secrets in the touching doc "Stories We Tell."

LOCAL EVENTURES
Brooklyn, NY's Bottleneck Gallery has a new movie-centric exhibit going up titled "When The Lights Go Out." Presented with the aid of black lights, this glow-in-the-dark show promises to be a stoner's delight, with artistic tributes to cult films like "TRON" and "Time Bandits" that present alternate images in different illumination. Prints will be on sale during the reception tonight from 7-10 p.m., and be sure to guzzle lots of that free vino.

Saturday, April 13

Warner Bros.

POW! IN THEATERS
According to Douglas Adams the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything is 42, but perhaps the ultimate question can be found in the new movie "42." At the very least, it promises to tell the story of Brooklyn Dodgers' #42 player Jackie Robinson (Chadwick Boseman) as he grapples with breaking the color line to become the first African American to play in the major leagues. Crotchety old Harrison Ford plays team executive Branch Rickey, and like Indiana Jones he helps Robinson achieve the Holy Grail (of baseball): the pennant.

YOUTUBE IT!
If "42" seems a might inauthentic to you, then might I recommend 1950's "The Jackie Robinson Story" streaming in its entirety on YouTube. While Boseman seems to have both athletic and acting chops, this movie has something the new one never will: Jackie Robinson himself. That's right, the legend plays himself, and while Robinson is no Lawrence Olivier he does have the advantage of being, you know, the genuine article. The film is more than a little sanitized, featuring white bigots taunting Jackie with black cats and watermelons but never presenting the real down and dirty hatred the sports hero had to endure before proving himself on Ebbets Field. Beautiful Ruby Dee plays his wife Rae, and you can watch every inspiring/semi-awkward minute below:

MASTER OF THE ART HOUSE
With a raucous blend of tricky editing, animation and extremely rare super-8 footage, the Berlinale award-winning doc "This Ain't California" explores the gnarly art of "Rollbrettfahrer," or underground German skateboarding. Set against the backdrop of the GDR at the height of the Cold War '80s, the doc presents the punk rock subculture as being neither pro nor anti-government but something far more subversive: pro-fun. You can catch this tribute to youth culture in limited release, and if you're in NYC there will be a 4:00 p.m. screening today at Maysles Cinema followed by a Skype Q&A with producer/former East Berlin skater Ronald Vietz.

Warner Bros.

PAY CHANNEL PAYBACK
Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis play rival politicians … what more do you want? "The Campaign" makes its cable premiere tonight at 8:30 p.m. on HBO, and though this political satire only performed modestly at the box office it offers some really biting R-rated commentary on the media insanity that surrounds even the most podunk congressional race.
What Roger said: "Brady also has a fondness for emailing photos of his penis; that's the kind of detail we wouldn't have been able to believe until — well, it happened."

Sunday, April 14

HULU HEAVEN
Available via HULU fo free yo is another one of the most beautiful movies ever made, "The Spirit of the Beehive," which has many similarities to "Days of Heaven" and also influenced other dark death of innocence epics such as Guillermo del Toro's "Pan's Labyrinth" and Terry Gilliam's "Tideland." Made in 1973 Spain during the death rattles of Generalísimo Francisco Franco's dictatorship, it takes place in 1940 when a roadshow of the Boris Karloff "Frankenstein" rolls into an isolated village, leaving an impression on a young girl who winds up aiding an enemy soldier thinking he is the kindly monster. Watch it below.
What Roger said: "Many of the father's poems involve the mindless churning activity of his beehives, and the house’s yellow-tinted honeycomb windows make an unmistakable reference to beehives. Presumably this reflects on the Franco regime, but when critics grow specific in spelling out the parallels they see, I feel like I’m reading term papers."

BASIC CABLE BLUES
Given the release of "42," let's remember a time long long ago when white men could be good at baseball without steroids as Robert Redford hits some homers in "The Natural" on REELZ at 9 p.m. and Redford's own Sundance Channel at 10 p.m. Made by Barry Levinson in 1984 — only his second time at bat as a director — it tells the fairy tale of Roy Hobbs (Redford), a mythically great player struck down in his youth by a bullet, only to slowly recover and get a shot at major league redemption. If you want more of now 76-year-old Redford's unnaturally handsome face check out my recent Wall of Aging graphic, and if you just want his voice then KCRW's "The Treatment" podcast has an engrossing half-hour chat between Redford and Elvis Mitchell where they discuss aging in veiled terms for the whole conversation.
What Roger said: "As for the baseball, the movie isn't even subtle. When a team is losing, it makes Little League errors. When it's winning, the hits are so accurate they even smash the bad guy's windows."

RIP ROGER EBERT
Finally, I'd like to take this opportunity to go into the way-back machine when I was but a precocious middle-schooler in love with all things film (and no things girls), back when Jon Lovitz's "The Critic" ruled my world. That all too short-lived animated show from the writers of "The Simpsons" was chock-o-block with nerdy movie references and reached geek critical mass when Thumbs Up mavens Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert turned up and … sang. Enjoy.

As I ride off into the distant horizon, here's wishing you fellow weekend road warriors the best outing possible from this burnt-out, blighted wasteland. Enjoy your fast Internet, clean-ish movie theaters, plentiful gasoline and all the comforts of home, for this world lives now only in my memories …

You can follow renegade movie journo and filmmaker Max Evry on Twitter, and check out his bitchin' DeviantArt gallery while you're at it.

Dimension

It's come to this. The two most public figures of hedonistic excess and hurricane-level character destruction, meeting at last to decide who will have the better future film career based solely on their past shenanigans.

They appear together in the fifth installment of the "Scary Movie" franchise, debuting this Friday, and by all accounts, their time on set together was nothing but peaceful. But that ends today, folks. It ends now.

Sheen versus Lohan. Get your popcorn/breathalyzers ready.

Best Past Performance

Paramount

Charlie Sheen: "Wall Street" (1987)
Lindsay Lohan: "Mean Girls" (2004)
Verdict: "Mean Girls" represents the pinnacle of Lindsay Lohan hotness. She was staggeringly pretty in "Mean Girls," to the point where, sure, we noticed Amanda Seyfried, Rachel McAdams and Lacey Chabert next to her at the lunch table but remained completely disinterested in them, like Aaron Samuels. (Aaron Samuels was the worst, by the way. Cool bowl cut, bud.) She also held her own comedically amongst heavyweights Amy Poehler and Tim Meadows. Sadly, that was a full nine years ago, and it still isn't enough to overtake Sheen's portrayal of Bud Fox in "Wall Street," not to mention Chris in "Platoon." Sheen gets the nod.

Better Saturday Night Live Hosting Gig

Charlie Sheen: January 13, 2001
Lindsay Lohan: May 1, 2004 and March 3, 2012
Verdict: Charlie Sheen acts in comedy roles like he (and not his character) is in on the joke the whole time. He'll deliver a punchline with a smirk, not because he thought the joke was funny, but because he wants to be part of the audience so he can enjoy Charlie Sheen as well. It works for him, of course, to the tune of the nine trillion dollars he was able to earn on "Two and a Half Men" before ever-graciously bowing out a couple years ago, but that doesn't make it any less obnoxious. Lohan, by contrast, could actually deliver comedic performances in her heyday. There's a specific sketch from the 2004 show where she kills (in a good way) a sketch as Hermione back from summer break at Hogwarts which takes down anything Sheen ever did on the '01 episode. Lohan takes this one.

Less Horrifying Easily-Searchable YouTube Video

Charlie Sheen: "Not Bi-Polar - Bi-Winning!"
Lindsay Lohan: OH GOD MAKE IT STOP PLEASE CHRIST
Verdict: One of the most terrifying videos on the Internet. I'm so sorry for the following:

Sheen win(ning)s.

Less Questionable Appearance With a Porn Star

Charlie Sheen: Like 8,792,347,293 examples, but here's a detailed list at RadarOnline from two years ago
Lindsay Lohan: Acts opposite James Deen in the upcoming "The Canyons"
Verdict: This is tough. "The Canyons" was the subject of one of the most entertaining New York Times Magazine pieces of all time, and it hasn't even come out yet. The dysfunction apparent on the set, largely (well, entirely) sparked by Lohan's antics, are absurd. But at least it's an actual movie, and the people making it had genuine intentions, I think. Sheen just bones porn stars by the dozen — which, fine, good for him. But they never look like they actually want to be there, do they? The nod reluctantly goes to Lindsay, though I'm expecting "The Canyons" to have less going for it than "Baby Geniuses 2."

Coolest Family Member

Charlie Sheen: Martin Sheen (sorry, Emilio)
Lindsay Lohan: Um ... Dina Lohan?
Verdict: One of these people was the star of "Apocalypse Now" and played the President of the United States on one of the greatest American television shows of all time.

The other is Dina Lohan.

Yeah, Sheen barely squeaks this one out.

Most Cringeworthy Recent Tweet

Charlie Sheen: 

sorumor has itthis überMohawk too sexxee forher cordon bleu me,chef of minekills it on somehash tag "taste" ful show about EAT.#GI

— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) March 6, 2013

Lindsay Lohan:

@

— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) February 7, 2013

Verdict: Lindsay has a surprisingly calm (for her) Twitter account, so we're forced to go all the way back to February, when she Chuck Grassley'd the hell out of a tweet and didn't delete it afterwards. Charlie's sample tweet is from a month ago and it's literally unintelligible. It is the Hammurabi's Code of tweets. Lohan gets the victory, and we're tied at 3 going into the last four.

Better Movie With Emilio Estevez

The Weinstein Company

Charlie Sheen: "Men at Work" (1990)
Lindsay Lohan: "Bobby" (2006)
Verdict: "Bobby" is actually a fairly compelling movie despite director and star Estevez's odd casting choices, including Nick Cannon, Ashton Kutcher and Courtney Stodden.* "Men at Work" is not only a fairly terrible movie, but it's also the name of a TV show that is the current leader in the clubhouse for "Which current television show makes the world a worse place?" Not the fault of the 1990 "Men at Work," but life isn't fair, guys. It's time you learned that now. Lohan takes another.

*Courtney Stodden was not actually in "Bobby."

Less Checkered Dating History

Charlie Sheen: Holy hell, look at this list.
Lindsay Lohan: Holy hell, look at this list.
Verdict: This category is truly a clash of the titans, and we're not talking any Sam Worthington bulls**t. We're talking fifty years ago "Clash of the Titans." But just for sheer density, the nod here goes to Sheen, if only for the fact that if you were an attractive male aged 18-30 in Hollywood over the last ten years, there's a 47% chance you were dating Lindsay Lohan at some point in your life. Chuck is pretty much "Winona Ryder, Denise Richards, Robin Wright, and porn stars." Not bad, but ultimately a tad less "checkered." (Note: Charlie Sheen would be very, very upset about losing this category.)

Less Embarrassing Starring Role in a TV Movie

Showtime

Charlie Sheen: "Rated X" (2000)
Lindsay Lohan: "Liz & Dick," (2012)
Verdict: Take a look at this snapshot from "Rated X". You hesitate to judge a book by its cover (though that's probably appropriate in a Sheen/Lohan article, as neither of these two have read any books lately), but it might be hard to take "Rated X" seriously at all, right? Sheen and Estevez as two fat bald porn producers? Sign me up! It would have been difficult to top this one for Lohan, and yet it does so, so effortlessly, as "Liz & Dick" is the most laughed-at television movie of my lifetime. The nod goes to Chuck.

More Noteworthy Reference in a Pop Song

Charlie Sheen: "Charlie Sheen" by Chamillionaire
Lindsay Lohan: "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull
Verdict: This would seem an easy victory for Chuck, considering he has an entire song named after him. But "Give Me Everything" was so ubiquitous for like six months — seriously, you couldn't walk three feet without hearing that awful, godforsaken song 17 times — that the nod barely goes to Lindsay, even if her name in the song is dropped in the context of being in prison.

Final Tally

Sheen 5, Lohan 5.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie! Wow, in the history of the "Versus" article on NextMovie, we've never--

thank u Pat.thank u Gillie.thank u Chloethank u Allison hash tageternal flamesex oh c

— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) March 1, 2013

Charlie, you didn't win! Why are you thanking people? And what is "eternal flamesex"? Sheen is disqualified. Lohan wins. Congratulations on your more prosperous future film career, Lindsay!

Thanks to all for the kind words and overwhelming support #blessed — Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) April 10, 2013

#Welcome

Fortunately, the MTV Movie Awards are one insanely epic party, celebrating movies by bringing power to the people and letting fans vote on the winners. Over the past two decades, we've gone from Wayne and Garth to Bella and Edward in the blink of an eye with the most unpretentious awards show in the biz.

We're counting down to this Sunday's 2013 MTV Movie Awards by counting up its many historic accomplishments. Check out the infographic below and marvel all that has gone down in years past.

You know the drill — click on the image for the IMAX version.

MGM

Any sport at its best can serve as a motivational metaphor for life ... while any sport at its worst can still beat the Houston Astros. And then there's boxing, which is just two people literally beating each other up for money.

But with "42" (the story of Jackie Robinson's inspirational journey to integrate the major leagues) hitting theaters April 12, we thought we'd take a moment to pay tribute to the less celebrated sports films; the ones that teach us to never try and to always give up because life is just a string of disappointments sandwiched between birth and death.

'Rocky II' (1979)

MGM

Remember how great "Rocky" was? Remember the heartwarming story of a boxer past his prime finally getting a shot at the title? Remember how moved you felt when Rocky loses to Apollo but wins the respect of the world? Well, this unsubtle sequel has a message for you: You're a sentimental loser. And it proceeds to play out the most unnecessary redo of all time. Spoiler alert: This go-around, Rocky's the literal winner, and we all get knocked over the head.

'Rollerball' (2002)

MGM

A good sports film uses a beloved athletic pastime as the backdrop to dramatic life lessons which can be applied to all sorts of real-world challenges. Then there's the 2002 remake of "Rollerball," the story of a made-up, moronically violent sport whose only life lesson is that no one wanted to buy tickets to "Rollerball."

'The Benchwarmers' (2006)

Sony

David Spade, Rob Schneider and Jon Heder play three losers granted a chance by an eccentric billionaire (Jon Lovitz) to play in a Little League tournament against teams full of the sort of athletic kids that shamed and bullied them when they were young. In one of the most bizarre revenge fantasies of all time, the trio of grown men do their best to beat the daylights out of a bunch of kids ... and they still lose.

'Kingpin' (1996)

MGM

Okay, first of all: Bowling isn't a sport. It's an activity you tolerate between eating ice cream cake and receiving gift bags at a third grader's birthday party. And this sordid tale of Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson), a hook-handed bowling champ now living in the gutter who seeks revenge against his bowling arch nemesis, Ernie McCracken (Bill Murray, sporting the combover of the century), only manages to inspire ... laughter.

'The Basketball Diaries' (1995)

New Line

Jim (Leonardo DiCaprio) is a typical teen who's life centers around his high school basketball team. But with a friend dying of leukemia, a sexually abusive coach and a love of heroin that leads Jim into a dark work of addiction and prostitution, "The Basketball Diaries" is a total bummer. It's almost like the filmmakers don't care about basketball at all.

'Juwanna Mann' (2002)

Warner Bros.

In this basketball comedy which could best be described as "Tootsie" meets "a rip off of 'Tootsie,'" bad-boy Jamal Jeffries (Miguel A. Nunez, Jr.) gets thrown out of the NBA for bad behavior and responds to this crisis the way anyone would: he dresses-up like a woman and joins the WNBA. With Jamal rewarded for his creepy and illegal actions by the story's end, you'll be left feeling both empty and nauseated at the same time.

'Major League: Back in the Minors' (1998)

Warner Bros.

How's this for a warning sign? Charlie Sheen refused to be in this third installment of the "Major League" franchise, which also fails to feature the Cleveland Indians or their minor league team, instead opting for the Twins. Oh, and Wesley Snipes and Tom Berenger also sat this one out. A discerning sports film fan might ask how this film is even considered part of the "Major League" series? Easy — they just wrote it into the title. How's that for inspiration?

'BASEketball' (1998)

Universal

Trey Parker and Matt Stone (creators of "South Park") discover that the only way to beat a pair of jocks in a driveway basketball game is to continue adding new rules as they go which suit their uniquely un-athletic abilities. This new game of "BASEketball" (which is basically a mixture of Horse and Around the World with the option of grossing-out your opponent) becomes a pro sport, and the buddies soon find their invention tainted by corporate meddling, sex and greed.

'Radio' (2003)

Sony

This movie should be inspirational as holy hell. It's got a mentally challenged man who's extremely keen on radios (Cuba Gooding Jr.) who is made to feel included by a high school football coach and his team. It's got lines of dialogue from Ed Harris such as "Truth is, we's not the ones been teachin' Radio. Radio's the one's been teachin' us." And yet, by the end of this godawful movie, all we's learned is to tune Radio's insufferable truisms out.

Columbia Pictures

When you have an action movie starring Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx, directed by the man behind "Independence Day" and being released in the summer, what else could you possibly need to know? Well, as we discovered during our "White House Down" set visit in Montreal, quite a bit, actually.

Sure, Tatum will be putting his muscles to good use saving the President, and yes, director Roland Emmerich is messing with the White House yet again, but we were pleasantly surprised to discover just how much historical research went into this mega-blockbuster. In fact, they even had a former Presidential candidate show them around the private, inner-workings of government buildings in Washington, D.C.

Thankfully, the Secret Service has finally given us the green light to share some of the coolest things we learned during our tour of the White House rebuilt to scale in a sound stage … twice.

1. Channing Tatum tries on fatherhood for size.

At the time of our trip to Canada, Tatum's wife, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, was not yet pregnant with the couple's first child. Still, "White House Down" marks the first time audiences will see the "Magic Mike" heartthrob in a daddy role, and getting to play a wannabe Secret Serviceman whose daughter gets trapped in the action of bad guys trying to take down the White House was one of the main things that drew him to the gig.

"For me, I want to be a dad eventually and we tried to sum [the character, John Cale] up like this: A guy that ends up saving the leader of the free world through the love of his daughter," Tatum told us. "Not in a hard-handed or on-the-nose way, but in a roundabout way, that was the reason [Cale] ended up in this situation. It was all because of his daughter … This is the first time he's really been able to love his daughter through what he's good at, and that's just dogged determination."

2. The bad guys are American, too.

This isn't one of those summer actioners where we have North Korea or Afghanistan or even aliens to blame for our troubles. In other words, this is not "Independence Day 2." Oh, no – these bad guys are humans on the inside, which might even be scarier.

"I feel to look for an enemy somewhere out there in the world, can't speak up in our world. It's a cheap shot and I've never done that," producer Harald Kloser told us. "We were trying to look at people who have certain ideas and, if you have ideas where you feel the world is going the wrong way, it doesn't matter where you are."

"It's always good to have villains you understand," Emmerich said. "When you don't understand your villain, you're done."

Neither Emmerich or Kloser would elaborate on the bad guys' motivation beyond promising that it's more than just money and describing them as "cool."

3. Channing is downright fearless.

Believe it or not, the 32-year-old does just about all of his own stunts. No, really. He's literally doing all but one in this movie, and the studio and crew had to beg him not to try it.

"I generally do all my stuff except for motorcycles and cars," Tatum explained. "They're still trying to talk me out of one stunt. I'm going to look at it … It's just a 25-foot fall."

Yeah, just a 25-foot fall. No big.

"He is probably the most physical actor I have ever met in my life," Emmerich said. "You have to talk him out of a stunt and the only way you can talk him out of a stunt is if it's really high-risk and you don't see his face. He's always very concerned that you see his face because he's very proud that he does his own stunts."

4. Jamie Foxx's President isn't Obama. In fact, he might be Batman.

"I don't really think Jamie Foxx is doing Obama, even though he's doing very politician-y type things," Tatum said.

After describing this fictional president's underground bunker and special fancy car called "The Beast" – the leader of the free world's Batmobile, if you will – Emmerich admits, "The President of the United States has super-star status. He's not a normal person, because he's protected like no other person in the world … What we claim is in the White House has a little bit of the feel of a giant Batcave, but not really because we have certain things where we know they exist."

5. However, Channing's character is John McClane.

Starting with the main character's names – John Cale and John McClane – "White House Down" is an unabashed tribute to "Die Hard." Tatum even wears a dirty wife beater shirt throughout a good portion of the film, including the rooftop fight scene we witnessed in production.

"That's a total homage," Emmerich confessed. "But he has an army vest over [the wife beater]."

"I've always wanted to do a 'Die Hard,'" Tatum said. "'Die Hard' is one of my favorite films. To do it with Roland – there's only a few directors that can do what Roland does on an international scale and on an action scale."

6. 14 months is plenty of time to make a blockbuster.

It's only been a year since Emmerich was handed the "White House Down" script by James Vanderbilt and immediately halted the work he was doing on another film. In a matter of days, Sony was on board, and so was Tatum. Due to shifting schedules, the shooting calendar was bumped up and they were in production only a few months later. When the movie hits theaters on June 28, it will have been just over a year.

"I don't necessarily think longer is better," Emmerich said. "It's just tougher because nobody really does it anymore like that … the good thing is when it's right, it's right, so you're not fiddling around on it too long … That forced us to accelerate the whole pre-production, which is tough on the production designer, but he pulled it off. And then it's maybe tough on editing and visual effects, but that's the only department where it really matters that you have less time."

7. Tatum and Foxx get bromantic.

"Jamie and I got along from the jump," Tatum said, explaining that they'd met before while promoting separate projects "21 Jump Street" and "Django Unchained." "He's maybe one of the singlehandedly most talented people I've ever met in my entire life. The man can literally do anything.

"There’s a piano in one of the hallways that leads to the residence in the White House [on set], and, in between takes, he's just over there playing jazz and you're just like, 'S**t!' Then he stands up and he's Jamie Foxx, kid from Texas, from maybe not the highest class part of town, he's one of the boys. Then you get him into the scene and he's the president. It's incredible to watch him and he's such a good guy. … I love him to death."

8. Expect to see a thank you note to John McCain in the credits.

Yep, 2008 Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain gave the producers of "White House Down" one of their many tours of government buildings.

"Actually, one of our producers had a connection through John McCain's brother," Kloser said. "Out of all people, we get to basically meet John McCain. But he was very cool and we were very nicely received, and we got a little bit of an inside tour of the Capitol with him. He showed us where the Watergate hearings were and the history that's been made there."

9. Spoiler alert! The White House wins.

Emmerich famously blew up the White House in "Independence Day" and crashed an aircraft carrier into it in "2012," so how does the building fare at the end of all the destruction coming this summer? Kloser gave us the answer.

"This is actually the best movie for the White House, because it survives."

It's no small feat that she's grown from this adorable little girl ...

... into this lovely lady without the whole world imploding.

And now she's doing things like this move in "The Bling Ring" ...

... and this ass-kicking maneuver for "This Is the End" ...

She is literally "NOT F**KING AROUND," people.

So, we want to pay tribute to young Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson by nodding to a few of the many, many reasons she's a bona fide trailblazer.

1. She's got sass on deck

Yeah, so, she totally invented the "Not Impressed Face" like a decade ago.

And, honey, Taylor Swift's got nothing on this girl's stank face ...

Most of the time, though, she totally rolls with the punches.

2. She hearts New York

Gotta love a city girl (also, she does not live in Los Angeles, which is probably wise). Interestingly enough, Em was born in Paris, grew up in London and now resides in the Big Apple. What a life, and she's still only twenty-two.

3. She can dance like nobody's business

No, seriously, home girl's got moves.

4. When she wanted an image change, she just went for it

That time she chopped off her hair and was basically like, "Yeah, I did. Mwah."

5. She totally owned her first big post-'Potter' role

"The Perks of Being a Wallflower" was awesome, and she was a big part of why.

Bonus: She learned she didn't need that broom to fly any more.

6. She got nekkid for Earth Day

7. She can and will take matters into her own hands

Emma's still way too pure for that "50 Shades of Grey" business, but she kept her badassery at max by way of some cutting virtual eye-rollage. Ow!

8. Emma is no damsel in distress

Don't look for her to sit around waiting on her Fairy Godmother.

9. Beaucoups of success and yet she's still super humble

I don't really 'star' in the Bling Ring. I am probably 3rd/4th of the lead characters. (In case media/marketing is a bit misleading.)

— Emma Watson (@EmWatson) March 9, 2013

10. She knows wassup

Right now, we're basically like YES, GIVE US MORE PLEASE.

And Emma Watson is all, "How cute. They haven't seen anything yet."

Dimension

WARNING: Calling the following piece an "Idiot's Guide" is a bit of a misnomer. You may or may not be aware of what happens in the "Scary Movie" movies, but there's no way you will emerge from reading this a smarter person overall. I just watched all four "Scary Movie" movies consecutively and my brain is currently curled up in a ball shivering in a far corner of my skull, asking what it did to deserve that.

That said, it is true that you will know more about the "Scary Movie" franchise — a LOT more — after having read this piece. We here at NextMovie would hate to see you go into "Scary Movie 5" without having a lick of knowledge about the first four movies. Imagine the embarrassment in front of your friends! "Ugh, you didn't know that The Oracle, played by Queen Latifah in a spoof of 'The Matrix,' farts for no reason in her only scene in 'Scary Movie 3'? I thought I knew you!"

Like "Scary Movie 6," let's prevent that from happening for everyone's own good.

'Scary Movie' (2000)

Dimension

The first-ever joke in the "Scary Movie" franchise? That's right, friends — a fart joke. Yes, circa-2000 Carmen Electra (I had admittedly forgotten how hot circa-2000 Carmen Electra was) farts in the "Scream" Drew Barrymore role (her character's name is "Drew," of course) while on the phone with the Scream-masked killer. "Sorry, I didn't think you'd hear it." Oh, he heard it, Carm, and so did we. The killer looks through a Playboy featuring Electra while keeping her on the phone. She's eventually chased outside through sprinklers and does a soaked striptease to her underwear, because sure, why not. The killer stabs her chest but gets her breast implant instead. That probably still hurts a lot. Her dad drives by and hits Electra with the family car (a recurring theme) because he's receiving, ahem, "road fellatio" from her mother. Good for them for keeping that going through their marriage's twilight years. The killer winds up to stab again when the title flashes, and we're off.

We cut to Anna Faris, whose career would be made by these movies resulting in a misplaced loyalty to its producers and a starring role all the way through the third sequel, but we'll get to that later. Her boyfriend Bobby (Denny from "Meet the Parents") climbs through the window to Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait," and we all have a good laugh about how that song was popular once before James Van Der Beek himself starts to climb into the window himself. "Sorry, wrong set," he says before descending again, but we can't help but wish he stayed. Bobby only wants to have sex with her, but Cindy (Faris) wants to wait, unlike Ms. Cole.

Cindy, Bobby, and their friends, including Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans and Shannon Elizabeth, discuss Electra's murder on a fountain in front of the school, a la "Scream." Cindy asks the group if they think it's weird that the murder happened a year to the date that "they hit that guy with their car," and we now have scary movie reference #2 ("I Know What You Did Last Summer," of course, which now that I write it out might be the worst title in film history). The guy they hit was fine until he was subsequently hit in the head with a bottle of alcohol accidentally thrown at him by Elizabeth's boyfriend, and then he actually did die. Whoops.

Shannon Elizabeth has a mentally disabled brother on the police force named "Doofy," playing the David Arquette "Scream" role. They establish that he's an idiot and that sometimes he has sex with vacuum cleaners. Great.

Dimension

Like any slasher flick, one by one, all of Cindy's friends die. First, Elizabeth's sadly small-penised boyfriend is stabbed to death by the killer while she competes in a beauty pageant (She is, appropriately, "Miss Fellatio.") The killer chases Cindy out of her bathtub (where, yes, she farted) and around her house before Bobby shows up and is arrested by police, who have arrived because of a "White Woman in Trouble" alert.

The killer and Marlon Wayans (playing a massive pothead) parody the "Wazzup" commercials for no reason, the first in a recurring theme of "The 'Scary Movie' producers will parody anything, no matter how brief its cultural shelf-life" parodies. Cindy gets a call from the killer, who tells her it isn't Bobby, though she remains scared of him.

The girls' female gym teacher actually has a long scrotum.

Moving on, the killer murders Elizabeth in the locker room, who insists it's a joke all the way until she's decapitated — and even then she believes it's still a joke. Cindy flips out and screams an unfortunately-timed "What are you waiting for?," causing a suicidal teacher to jump off the school's roof and kill himself.

Shawn Wayans makes his girlfriend dress up in football gear in bed because he's actually a closeted gay guy.

Moving on, Cheri Oteri, playing the Courtney Cox "Scream" role, interviews a girl as she is being murdered before being chased herself by the murderer. She parodies "The Blair Witch Project" by filming herself admitting how scared she is as a wave of snot pours out of her nose.

Shawn Wayans and his girlfriend go to the movies. In the bathroom, Shawn is stabbed through both ears with a giant penis through a glory hole, apparently killing him. Meanwhile, his girlfriend is stabbed to death by the theater's patrons for talking too much during the movie. The killer watches and relaxes, able to enjoy the movie himself following her public death.

Cindy throws a party where the killer quickly kills "a day player" (her words) in the garage. Meanwhile, Marlon Wayans (who "sees dead people," he's so high) and other stoners smoke weed with the killer while Bobby and Cindy finally have sex.

To have sex, Bobby has to take a hedgetrimmer to Cindy's pubes, and he eventually blows her to the ceiling with the force of his orgasm after having abstained for so long.

Dimension

Moving on, Bobby ends up shooting Marlon Wayans and, with a now undead Shawn Wayans, shows Cindy her tied-up father, revealing themselves to be the co-killers. Shawn Wayans stabs Bobby to make it look like a struggle, but he accidentally dies. Then another killer shows up out of nowhere, stabbing Shawn Wayans and engaging in a fist fight with Cindy, featuring "Matrix"-style dodging and Irish step-dancing, before getting away.

In a subsequent interview with police, Cindy drops her mug a la Chazz Palminteri in "The Usual Suspects" as she realizes the killer was Doofy all along. We cut to Doofy, who Stefan Urquelles himself into James Dean before hopping into Cheri Oteri's convertible and speeding away. Cindy screams "No!" at the sky in the middle of the road before being hit by a car. Fin.

And OH MY GOD THAT WAS A THOUSAND WORDS. Not to worry: the sequels aren't exactly complex.

'Scary Movie 2' (2001)

Father Andy Richter plays "Shake Ya Ass" on the piano for some high-class guests in a giant haunted house. The demon-possessed daughter of one of the women there comes down and pees on the carpet. Father James Woods shows up to exorcise her, and boom, we have a fun little "Exorcist" parody. Then we see James Woods on the s**tter, and we're having less fun. Woods, Richter and the possessed girl puke on each other a bit before Woods ends up shooting the possessed girl in the head, and we're off again.

Dimension

Cindy, Shawn Wayans and his girlfriend (now both alive again, which, sure) and Marlon Wayans are now all at college. They are now friends with Chris Masterson, Tori Spelling and Kathleen Robertson, because everyone misses the glory days of '90s Fox television. Various members of the gang go through parodies of both "Save the Last Dance" and "Dude, Where's My Car?" before we see a random couple hit by a car for no reason, and we really feel like we're watching a "Scary Movie" movie again.

Creepshow professor Tim Curry and his assistant David Cross wish to research the haunted house depicted in the opening scene. Learning that Cindy and her friends are the "survivors" of the famous massacre from a year ago, he wishes to throw them in the haunted house and observe. They agree for some reason.

At the haunted house, Cindy greets a parrot who swears a lot and talks about its penis. She also meets housekeeper Chris Elliott, another creepshow who has a mangled hand with which he loves to touch people/food/animals, etc. At dinner, Elliott sticks his mangled hand in the potatoes, turkey and pie before everyone leaves the table in disgust.

Then they parody a short-lived but memorable Nike basketball commercial from 2001, out of nowhere.

Dimension

Creepy things begin to happen to the gang. Tori Spelling is pretty much raped by a ghost (though she likes it because who doesn't like being raped by ghosts?). Cindy is attacked by a cat, to which she alerts the group by shouting that her "pussy has gone crazy." A stuffed clown tries to rape Shawn Wayans, but since he's a secret sexual deviant, he loves it and creeps the stuffed clown out, eventually (yep) wrapping his elongated penis around its neck to pull it back under the bed. (You absolutely needed to know that for "Scary Movie 5.") Finally, a weed monster wraps Marlon Wayans in a bed sheet and smokes him by lighting his fro on fire.

Masterson overhears Cross tell Curry that there's a poltergeist in the building, and they team up to stop it. The ghost, as a Brooke Shields lookalike, lures creeper Tim Curry into an alley before killing him. The ghost locks Masterson and Cindy in a freezer, where she gives him an HJ while delivering a "Never let go" "Titanic" parody before again being pulverized with semen, a la the first "Scary Movie."

Eventually, through parodies of "The Matrix," "Charlie's Angels," "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and "Hannibal," they're able to corral the ghost. In the denouement, Cindy has taken the parrot back to her dorm room, where he promptly power-sh*ts all over her wall. Chris Elliott reappears as a hot dog vendor before being hit by a car by Marlon Wayans, distracted from receiving fellatio by the Brooke Shields ghost.

DEEP BREATH ...

'Scary Movie 3' (2003)

"Scary Movie 3" begins with Pam Anderson and Jenny McCarthy trying to watch a movie, and we immediately recognize that this is a parody of "The Ring." There is a breast implant joke, a Pam sex tape joke and a "Lord of the Rings" reference before Pam ultimately finds Jenny dead from having watched a tape seven days prior.

Dimension

Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen discovers crop circles in his farm, and the audience looks at each other nodding as if to say, "Oh, this is a parody of 'Signs' now." Sheen's brother Simon Rex is an aspiring rapper who takes a bus "to da hood" to compete in rap battles, and we're already on our third parodied movie ("8 Mile") at like the ten-minute mark.

Rex's niece is in class with Cindy's (Faris again) nephew, and they hit it off. The class is taught by Shawn Wayans' girlfriend from the first two films, Brenda, who is still not dead. Rex invites both Cindy and Brenda to his rap battle the following evening. They both agree to go.

Cindy leaves her psychic nephew in the custody of an obviously pedophile priest (Darrell Hammond) before attending the battle, where Simon Cowell is a judge. Everyone in the room shoots Cowell after he expresses his disapproval for the first battle, which is fun. Eventually, Rex defeats Fat Joe in the rap battle, but his sweatshirt's hood resembles a KKK hood and he is thrown out of the building violently.

After the battle, Cindy and Brenda hang out at Brenda's house, where Brenda is killed after the girl from "The Ring" emerges from the television and survives Brenda's initial array of punches.

Dimension

We transition back to Sheen, who flashes back to the time where his wife (Denise Richards in a cameo) has been trapped against a tree by a car, dying (a la "Signs" again). She tells him never to have sex. This is funny, because Sheen himself actually has lots of sex.

At Brenda's funeral, Cindy notices more "Ring"-ish things, like people's mangled faces. She eventually visits Brenda's Aunt Shaniqua, who is meant to be the Oracle from "The Matrix" movies, as aforementioned 76,000 words ago. Aunt Shaniqua reveals that the crop circles are related to the tape. Then they both fart.

Charlie Sheen fights with Michael Jackson about something. Sheen pulls Jackson's nose off, because it was fake.

Meanwhile, bumbling President Leslie Nielsen (HUGE score) and his secret service agent Ja Rule (HUGE meh) begin to suspect that everyone is an alien. They both go crazy.

At the same time, Cindy researches a lighthouse from the death video. She visits Chesapeake Bay and speaks to the tape's "architect" (George Carlin, score), again parodying "The Matrix" franchise. He admits to drowning the dead "Ring" girl in a well.

Dimension

Everyone reconvenes at Sheen's place, where they discover that the crop circle-making aliens are peaceful, English-speaking, and are just looking to destroy the tape as well. Cindy digs up the basement floorboards, where she discovers the "Ring" girl well. President Nielsen opens the door into the dead girl to say, "I just want to tell you both, good luck, we're all counting on you," referencing his character from "Airplane!" and knocking her back into the well, killing her.

Cindy and Simon Rex wed in the denouement.

ONE MORE WE'RE ALMOST THERE ...

'Scary Movie 4' (2006)

Dimension

"Scary Movie 4" begins with Shaq and Dr. Phil are chained together, "Saw"-style. They both die. The nation mourns for Shaq only, probably.* (*deleted scene, I'd imagine.)

It's revealed that Cindy's husband Simon Rex from the third movie is dead now. Charlie Sheen, back from the third film, is fornicating with three young ladies recreationally but still wishes to off himself. He accidentally takes Viagra instead of sleeping pills, gives himself a giant erection and falls on it over a balcony to die. Ow ow ow. Ow. Owwwww.

Meanwhile, Cindy (Faris to the fourth power) has begun caring for old lady Cloris Leachman in her giant creaky haunted house, an obvious parody of "The Grudge." Cindy is eventually hit in the face with a baseball from the next yard, and it's Craig Bierko and his son, parodying "War of the Worlds." The two fall in love instantly.

Crazy s**t keeps happening in Cloris Leachman's house that Cindy doesn't realize. Eventually, she accidentally washes Leachman in her own pee.

Dimension

After getting hit in the face again, this time with a football, Cindy reconvenes with Bierko. This is when we get a flashback of how Simon Rex died. Cindy was a female boxer (cough "Million Dollar Baby" cough). One day she had to fight female Mike Tyson. She swung, missed, and the chain reaction not only broke Simon's neck, but the necks of about ten other people in the arena. "I blame myself," Cindy admits. "You should," replies Bierko.

Right as they kiss for the first time, aliens attack in the mold of "War of the Worlds." A butt cloud — yes, a cloud in the shape of a butt — attacks the area with lightning before a giant iPod emerges from the ground. It plays the Culture Club's "Karma Chameleon" for a few seconds before launching a giant bug that destroys everything.

Before Bierko and Cindy are forced to split up, the little kid haunting Cloris Leachman's house reveals that he knows how to defeat the aliens.

We cut to President Leslie Nielsen again, with a kindergarten class reading a children's story about a duck. He is told by a secret service agent (no longer Ja Rule) that aliens have attacked, but he wants to hear the end of the story in an obvious nod to our commander-in-chief on 9/11.

Cindy finds Brenda (from the first three movies) scavenging a crashed plane, having not died like 77 times now. After a joke about Detroit and a cameo from Lil Jon, Bierko and his kids are pulled out of the car by violent nomads. They begin to walk.

Dimension

President Nielsen is informed that the aliens have a gun that removes people's clothes, but he still wants to know about the duck.  He tells an ugly woman that works for him that it's a good thing the gun didn't hit her.

Cindy and Brenda sneak into an Amish village, of which Bill Pullman is the leader (giant score). They're caught and ordered to stay there forever, but not before Carmen Electra walks into the court room and empties her bowels, because of course.

Nielsen informs the UN (to him pronounced like the first syllable of "unreal") of the alien's gun. The gun accidentally goes off on Nielsen and the rest of the UN. Everyone is naked. Nielsen farts, naturally.

Bierko's kid runs into Michael Jackson, whom Bierko fights off, and they hide with Michael Madsen, clearly upset that he's in this movie and this is what has become of his career. Bierko lullabies his daughter to sleep with the Ying Yang Twins' "Bad Bitch," but an alien sneaks into Madsen's house and takes them after having sex with a vacuum cleaner, perhaps in a nod to Doofy from the first "Scary Movie." Soon afterwards, Cindy and Brenda are captured by the aliens as well.

Dimension

They all end up in the room at the beginning, captured by Jigsaw from "Saw" and fitted with torture devices. Jigsaw has hid the key behind Cindy's eye, but her eye is fake and she is able to get the key easily. Cindy then realizes that Jigsaw is the father of the child from Cloris Leachman's haunted house, and the whole invasion was for revenge. After initially threatening to kill them all with various torture devices, Jigsaw lets everyone go.

In the denouement, Brenda gives birth to a baby Jigsaw and James Earl Jones is for some reason hit by a car while trying to talk to us. Then Bierko is on Oprah going apes**t because he's in love with Cindy, a Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes parody.

DONE! Thank goodness! You're now ready to see "Scary Movie 5." Oh, you're not going to see it? Ignore everything I just wrote, then.

Sure, our limbs accomplish a myriad number of essential tasks every day – walking, kicking holding things, pointing, giving people the finger – but the sad truth is that they'll never be able to spray a hail of bullets or eviscerate enemies on their own. For those special battle-ready features, the body requires a few extra enhancements beyond what God gave you. After all, why replace a leg with a dopey wooden peg when a fully-loaded machine gun will do just fine?

In honor of the "Evil Dead" reboot and the franchise's longtime celebration of weaponized extremities, we've compiled a list of nine characters who turned a lost limb or imminent threat into an opportunity to upgrade their bodies into something far more badass than before.

Renaissance Pictures

1. Ash's chainsaw hand from 'Evil Dead II'

It's bad enough when you're fighting legions of demons you unwittingly unleashed from a skin-covered book, but what happens when your own hand becomes possessed and fights against you?  If you're Ash, you get rid of the problem, literally, by promptly hacking off the bedeviled body part. Immediately following his self-amputation, Ash remedies his bloody stump predicament by snapping a fully-functional chainsaw where his hand once existed and iconically christens the end result "Groovy." Audiences emphatically agreed, and after putting his chainsaw hand to good use against the demon armies in "Army of Darkness" a few years later, Ash's brutal new appendage became the envy of handless demon slayers everywhere.

Dimension Films

2. Cherry Darling's machine gun leg from 'Planet Terror'

Exotic dancer and aspiring stand-up comedian Cherry Darling had both of her career opportunites destroyed once her leg was mauled by a horde of zombies. Although initially despondent over her new one-legged existence, her resolute boyfriend El Wray attached a wooden table leg to her fresh stump in order to help her out of the undead-infested hospital where she was recuperating. Although her peg leg accomplished plenty of awesome evil-slaying deeds (including stabbing Quentin Tarantino straight through the brain), she didn't make the most of her missing limb until she upgraded her prosthetic from a piece of wood to a modified M4 Carbine with a M203 grenade launcher attachment. Exactly how she was able to pull the trigger on a leg gun will forever remain a mystery, but it's really hard to care after seeing the magnificence of a horde of zombies falling prey to a machine gun leg-derived hail of bullets and explosions.

SKA Films

3. Bullet-Tooth Tony's bullet tooth from 'Snatch'

Bounty hunter Bullet-Tooth Tony earned his nickname in a pretty awesome, albeit somewhat obvious way: an attempted gunshot to the face by a would-be assassin knocked out Tony’s tooth and lodged itself in his gums, instantly making the already huge and intimidating thug look even more pants-crappingly scary. With a single flash of the shiny bullet in his grin, he instantly demonstrates to any adversary that his grill will literally stop any bullet that comes his way. Also, his tooth-brushing regimen is probably incredibly complicated.

Ambin Entertainment

4. Captain Hook's hook in 'Hook'

Losing a hand in battle to a hungry crocodile can be an experience that would break most men. For Captain Hook, however, it became his defining moment. Not one to admit defeat, Hook turned his tragedy to his advantage by replacing the missing appendage with a enormous shiny hook, an always battle-ready weapon that became his primary instrument of intimidation when confronting his enemies. From loudly creating telltale scratches on walls to stroking the faces of hostages during questioning, Captain Hook's namesake armament instilled fear in Peter Pan and the rest of his adversaries just as much as it helped cut his glove-shopping budget in half.

New Line Cinema

5. Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads in 'Austin Powers in Goldmember'

Just a few moments of watching Shark Week on Animal Planet is enough to paralyze most people in fear. It was for this reason that Austin Powers' nemesis Dr. Evil wanted them in his employ, but he knew that these toothy monsters of the deep still needed a little something extra to make them even more effective killing machines: cranium-mounted laser beams. Yes, why instantly devour a water-logged adversary when you can fry them from a distance as well? It wasn't until the movie series' third installment that he finally got his wish in the form of a gift from Scott. When one of the sharks instantly zaps one of Dr. Evil's underlings in a show of force, it's impressive enough for him to declare Scott "the best evil son an evil dad could ever ask for." Shark Week just got a lot more interesting.

Orion Pictures

6. Big Louie's attachment hand in 'UHF'

Unlike the other characters on this list, this bookie villain from 'Weird Al' Yankovic's cult classic film didn't settle on merely one attachment for the hand he presumably lost in a doomed bet. Rather than implanting a hook, gun or a chainsaw on his stump, he instead opts for a screw-peg in order to attach whatever tickles his fancy. At one point the film, he brandishes a meat cleaver, and at other times utilizes a fake hand that wouldn't be mistaken for the real thing even from a distance. Although these are the only two attachments showcased in the film, it's not hard to believe that they're just part of an entire arsenal of gadgets, gizmos and objects both sharp and blunt that he has at his disposal. After all, why settle for one weapon when there's so many options?

Lucasfilm

7. Anakin Skywalker's cybernetic suit from 'Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith'

Okay, true, this may not be an artificial limb such as a new arm, hand or leg, but that doesn’t erase the fact that Anakin Skywalker's entire cybernetic suit is basically a full-body prosthetic. After lava envelops his entire body during a crucial battle with Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin's burnt husk of a body is rescued by Emperor Palpatine and implanted into multi-purpose black body armor. The suit not only catalyzes Anakin's new persona as Darth Vader but also helps him breathe, as evidenced by the iconic respirator sounds that accompany his intimidating presence everywhere he goes. Any suit that helps transform Hayden Christensen’s whiny Anakin voice into the authoritative, fearsome James Earl Jones voice of Vader is a psychological weapon that deserves an entry on this list.

New Line Cinema

8. The Fembots' explosive assets in the 'Austin Powers' films

Sure, they look like leggy, brainless go-go dancers with hair as big as their chests, but their retro-charm exterior is hiding something far more deadly. Each android houses two barrels full of uncompromising gunfire, all front-loaded right into each Fembot's bust. Their looks, combined with their hidden weaponry, are intended by Dr. Evil to make them the perfect covert assassins to finally finish the job against the perpetually horny Austin Powers. However, their boob-derived bullets never accomplish the task over the course of all three films. Perhaps Dr. Evil needs to look towards the next entry on the list …

Open Road Films

9. Madame Desdemona's machine gun bra in 'Machete Kills'

Granted, this movie hasn't been released yet, but judging solely from the image above, Sofia Vergara's character in the upcoming "Machete" sequel already looks like a considerable upgrade from the Fembots' similarly-placed artillery. Bigger boobs, bigger guns and a faster-rate of fire are instantly distinguishable from the image above, most likely making Madame Desdemona’s rack two unstoppable juggernauts of death when it comes to chest-derived firepower.

If it made good money the first time, imagine how much money it's going to make when you and your friends are all wearing the same plastic glasses foolishly trying to touch the screen at the same time! Or if it didn't make good money the first time, why, maybe it just needed you and your friends wearing the same plastic glasses foolishly trying to touch the screen at the same time! The sad fact is that cash rules everything around us. Dolla dolla billz, y'all.

Having said that, we've come up with five films that, for one reason or another, we can 99.99% rest assured that we'll never see in 3-D. And thank goodness for that.

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