Greetings space rangers, fair maidens and sentient non-corporeal beings. My name is Jordan Hoffman and I am a gigantic dork. Like, professionally.
Somehow, my love of science fiction and fantasy movies (mixed with borderline autism regarding non-canonical tie-ins) is keeping me in Pringles. And I'm sharing it all with you like-minded folk here. This weekly column is our Mos Eisley, our Ten-Forward, our Green Dragon, where we'll scrutinize what's top of mind and newest in Nerd.
And lest you think you lack the cred to attain true geek glory, I'm here to inform you that all are welcome. Seriously, the more we let in the club, the more likely someone is to introduce us to their sister.
Besides, you may actually be more of a Fanboy than you realize. Take out your Number 2 pencils and apply check-marks where appropriate.
· Thursday night midnight showings all summer long. Not even a question.
· You are the mayor of your comics shop on Foursquare. (SilverAge Comics on 31st St. - Represent!)
· You will watch or read anything written by Zack Whedon.
· You do a substantial percentage of your clothes shopping at Comic-Con.
· You'll drive out of your way to a fast food restaurant you don't even like for the tie-in collectible glass. (Okay, who're we kidding? What's not to like about curly fries?)
· You quote Monty Python without realizing it.
· Having a Jabba the Hutt folder while being a little portly yourself led to a round of schoolbus mockery a team of Vienna's finest psychoanalysts can never fully erase.
· You can tell the difference between Hard Sci-Fi and Space Opera by the font on the poster.
· You follow Felicia Day on Twitter.
· You've said some things on alt.movies.alienvspredator you wish you could take back.
· You memorize the release dates of franchise movies and plan your schedule around them. (We're really busy in May 2013.)
· Despite not knowing how to say anything other than "hello," "thank you" and "squid creature that fondles schoolgirls," you'd never dream of watching an anime or samurai picture dubbed.
· You call comics "comics," not "graphic novels" in some twisted, pseudo-political "Take Back The Night" ownership of nerd pride.
· You consider a book or film that isn't part of a trilogy something of an underachiever.
· When obnoxious cousins taunt you and ask if you speak Klingon or Elvish, you sigh and respond "no, no," when actually, of course, yeah, you know a few key phrases.
· You have unopened boxes of limited edition cereal. . . that you've come THIS CLOSE to opening on days you've had no other food in the house.
· You had the "Close Encounters" ringtone on, like, your first phone.
The truth of the matter is, friend, each of the above applies to me. Don't believe it? Come over and I'll prove it. (Please, please, do come over. I'm so lonely.)
But if you only were able to say "yes" to, say, 85 or 90 percent of these, this column is here to help. Stick around, NOOB. We'll have you understanding how the Hulk gets by on the same pair of purple pants in no time.
Come back every Thursday for more intergalactic musings on Planet Fanboy, and follow our its fearless leader Jordan Hoffman on Twitter!