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Valentine's Day With Planet Fanboy

The Avengers Marvel

Clint Barton and Oliver Queen's arrows have nothing on Cupid, that obnoxious nude baby that pops up in television commercials the same time each year.

If it is your good fortune to get hit with one, you can be assured of a few absolute truths: you'll never get to watch what you want and you'll find yourself cleaning up the mess of a pet you never asked for.

If you are a male dating a female (and on Planet Fanboy, this is just one of a dozen permutations) you're gonna have to whip out the ol' Discover Obsidian Advantage Plus Card and dig deep as the calendar approaches February 14, no matter how much your beloved feigns indifference to crass, material goods.

But there's no reason that what you buy can't be fun for you, too. And if you are a Fanboy and she be Fanboy-tolerant (which is all most of us could ever hope for) here are a few suggestions:

Drinks Weigh Less on Neptune

Most Planetariums have a special "Romance Under the Stars" event. Okay, at least one does, because I did this a few years ago and it was a blast. You start out with cocktails among the displays and then you sit beneath a giant Zeiss Space-o-Caster with a light buzz. Everyone is all spiffed up and it is kinda like going to see theatre ... except it isn't a boring, tortuous affair where you get down on your knees and beg for death — so, in that sense, it's nothing like theatre.

She can listen to tales of eternal love from ancient legends, but you can geek out when you hear about stars that you thought only existed in science fiction. Aldebaran? Aldebaran is a real place, not just where Scotty gets whiskey?

A Smooth Ride

TRON: Legacy Disney

You already have nice clothes on, so you won't look like total fakers when you show up at the Tesla dealership and ask for a test drive.

Since these space-age automobiles are the closest we currently have to hover cars, you can cruise around listening to IHeartRadio beamed in from Fort McMurdo while you make kale-guava-yage smoothies right there on the dashboard. Here and only here is it appropriate to quote a few lines from the (unfairly maligned) "TRON: Legacy."

A Nice Meal

Go to Applebee's or the Olive Garden or one of those other horrendous places — this way you can say you've had a chance to role play as a character from "Soylent Green."

When the time comes and you need to eject the vile, alleged food-substance from your insides, you can play like it's a time machine and ask "Where is your vomitorium?" That always makes 'em laugh, trust me.

Gifts

It isn't outside of etiquette to buy a provocative outfit for your companion. You're kinda on your own here, but I say try with the metal bikini. The worst she can do is laugh in your face, right?

Now just you wait 'til you hear what I have in mind for St. Patrick's Day.

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