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The Dude's Guide to 'Twilight'

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1
Summit

You're a dude. Every time someone mentions "Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1" release, your girlfriend has a minor epileptic fit of excitement. It's becoming increasingly evident you'll have to break down and see "Breaking Dawn" with her ... that is, if you want to get some again before New Year's.

I'm here to tell you things could be worse (I'm talking about "Twilight"; no idea what your sex life is like.) With this easy-to-read Dude's Guide to Twilight, you can enjoy "Dawn" without having to watch the others, although you may want to after you learn to like sparkly vampires.

Reset Your Expectations

Just because tween girls love these films doesn't mean guys can't enjoy them, too. It's not like it's "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" or a Sandra Bullock movie. But while there are vampires and werewolves in "Twilight," don't get your hopes up too high. Yes, there are some good vampire-on-vampire and vampire-on-GGI-wolf fight scenes, but there isn't blood or gore, and it's not "300."

Don't get mad because the vampires sparkle, go out in daylight and seem pleasantly detached instead of menacing. Just think of it like "Star Wars." When you saw it for the first time, you didn't get frustrated that the laws of space aren't honored or that Luke Skywalker is kind of a wuss. That's because it's science fiction, and you just accept the world that George Lucas creates.

Team Edward vs. Team Jacob

No doubt you've heard of these "teams," and you're girlfriend likely belongs to one of them. Here's what you need to know when discussing this rivalry:

The main characters Edward Cullen, Bella Swan and Jacob Black are caught in a love triangle. Team Edward is rooting for Edward to win Bella, while the members of Team Jacob are backing young Mr. Black. But we already know Edward wins.

Right now you're thinking, "Wait, that's stupid. Why would anyone pick a team they already know will lose?" This isn't like rooting for the New York Jets over the New England Patriots. Twi-hards pick sides based on whether they think Edward or Jacob is more desirable. That's why your girlfriend loves Tom Brady despite your being a hardcore Jets fan. When a girl screams for Team Jacob, she's not saying, "Win Bella!" She's saying, "Take me in my dreams tonight, shirtless wolf boy!" You'd be smart to recognize which way your girlfriend leans and try to act more like that character when romancing her.

The Backstory in Guy Terms

"Twilight" creator Stephenie Meyer has the amazing ability to fill 500 pages with about 50 pages' worth of story. That's why readers brag about tearing through a full book in one night. It's also why you can jump right into "Breaking Dawn" without much confusion.

Summit

Bella Swan (hot chick) moves to Forks, Washington (boring small town), to live with her dad, Charlie (dude with awesome mustache). She meets a family of vampires, the Cullens (containing three hot chicks), and falls in love with one named Edward (British dude girls love). These vampires sparkle in sunlight, choose to eat animals over humans, have powers that rival Superman, never sleep and aren't harmed by typical stake-to-the-heart nonsense. While Edward can also read minds, he is unable to read Bella's (typical, right, guys?).

Jacob Black (buff dude from "Abduction") also befriends Bella and falls in love with her while they're working on a motorcycle together. It turns out Jacob can turn into an eight-foot-tall wolf and protects the area from vampires along with other Native Americans who turn into huge wolves. The Cullens have a truce with the wolf pack, but it's always shaky.

After much drama and glowering, Edward and Bella get together. However, they do not sleep together, even though Bella (Slave Leia) totally wants it. Edward is a gentleman (Luke Skywalker). After forcing Bella to kiss him, Jacob (Han Solo but doesn't get the girl) more or less accepts losing her. He even convinces the wolf pack to help the Cullens fight off an army of bad vampires (Dark Side but weaker) who want to kill Bella.

The Volturi (includes hot chick Dakota Fanning) are the vampire elite, who live in Italy and lay down the law. They've told the Cullens that Bella must be turned into a vampire or killed because she knows too much. So, they're total dicks.

Now, you're all caught up to this movie.

Spoiler Alert: Bella and Edward get married and totally bone down, and she becomes pregnant with a vampire-human crossbreed named Renesmee. Jacob falls for the baby and imprints on her. Imprinting is kind of like a dog marking its territory but with a soul mate, and there's no urine. If that sounds creepy, it's because it is, and you can joke about it. Even Twi-hards think it's pretty weird.

What Not To Do

Now you're almost ready for the final two installments of "The Twilight Saga" with your girlfriend. There are just a few "don'ts" I want to warn you of before sending you off.

Don't expect nudity. Even though this is "the sex 'Twilight,'" you will not see Kristen Stewart's boobies. You will see tons of Taylor's Lautner's boobies, so be prepared if you're uncomfortable with a lot of partial male nudity. Also, don't say "boobies" to your girlfriend.

Don't tell your lady: "I'm going to make love to you like Edward." Vampires can go for hours, which you can't unless you're Sting. Plus, it will only remind her of Bella's painful pregnancy that almost killed her.

Don't say Alice is hot. It's Ashley Greene; of course she's hot. But Greene is like the popular cheerleader in high school. Other girls secretly hate her because they're jealous. If your girlfriend asks which character you think is most attractive, go with Jessica Stanley. Anna Kendrick is the cute, smart, cool girl everyone likes but isn't intimidated by.

Don't buy colored contact lenses afterward. Listen, I know those orange and red eyes look cool onscreen, but only movie vampires can pull them off. Wearing them in real life will turn you into that creepy guy who collects medieval swords in his mom's basement and works at the video store (and who goes to video stores anymore?).

Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard is a “Twilight” humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes every other week on NextMovie. Read Ryan’s introductory post here and follow him on Twitter.

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