I am not a father, nor do I even pretend to know how to be a good one. (It involves owning a briefcase and knowing how to throw a baseball back and forth, I believe?)
However, I do know "The Twilight Saga." So with Father's Day coming up this weekend, I'm paying tribute to the dads from the series.
But who is the best "Twilight" dad? (Besides all of them?) Allow me to lay out the facts.
Charlie Swan, Carlisle Cullen, Billy Black and (future screen daddy) Edward Cullen are the men under the microscope. While everyone has their own ideas on what makes the best father, I've done some in-depth research (thanks, Ask Jeeves!) and these are the qualities most will agree on:
They should be of high integrity, but never high on other things. They should be able to provide for their kids, meaning they need some cash money -- Benjamins, if you will. And a father needs to be responsible, offer guidance, and spend quality time with children. These are proven techniques that keep daughters (and sons) off the stripper pole. Let's break down how these four fellows have done so far:
Charlie: Bella Swan, 24 (looks 18 for eternity)
Carlisle: Adopted vampires Edward, Jasper, Alice, Emmett and Rosalie
Billy: Jacob (21), twins Rebecca and Rachel (25)
Edward: Renesmee Cullen, 5 (in human-vampire hybrid years)
Carlisle: Married 90 years
Charlie: Police chief
Billy: Quileute council leader and disability
Edward: Student for over 90 years
Charlie: Earns between $35,605 to $49,640 a year
Carlisle: Forbes estimates $34.1 billion
Billy: Median income of Native American households is $35,343. That's a fair guess since he's essentially unemployed.
Edward: Billions in family money
Charlie: Hands-off. Only sees daughter on holidays until she's 17. Shows as much emotion as a vampire, so it makes sense that his daughter falls for one.
Carlisle: Permissive and lenient. Allows his adopted offspring to do anything short of murder and pays their bills well into adulthood.
Billy: Authoritative. Doesn't give Jacob many choices, only allowing him to be a wolf when he grows up.
Edward: Reads daughter's mind. She will never be able to get away with anything.
Charlie: Spends most of his time working and fishing, unless Bella makes dinner for him.
Carlisle: Despite being a busy doctor, finds time to play baseball, throw parties and fight evil vampires with his family.
Billy: Unemployed, he has all the time in the world to hang with Jacob.
Edward: Still a new parent, he makes time to take his daughter hunting, when he's not occupied with saving her life from Volturi.
Charlie: Started family on whim and wasn't active in raising daughter.
Carlisle: Randomly adopts children like he's Angelina Jolie in a third-world country.
Billy: Seemed to plan well, until his wife suddenly passed away.
Edward: Considered abortion and doesn't practice safe sex. To be fair, vampires have no bodily fluids, so how could he know?
Charlie: "The right thing isn’t always real obvious. Sometimes the right thing for one person is the wrong thing for someone else. So… good luck figuring that out."
Carlisle: "Don’t get your family slaughtered for pride."
Billy: "What I meant to say was, don’t do what you’re doing."
Edward: "You’re awfully small to be so hugely irritating."
Charlie: High. Being an absent and unresponsive father can give women "daddy issues" and create strippers (allegedly). If Bella hadn't fallen for a vampire, her life would look more like "Welcome to the Rileys."
Carlisle: Medium. When you adopt grown children, it can be a grab bag of potential psych issues. Still, Carlisle is really rich, smart, loving and can beat up any pimp, drug dealer or strip club owner.
Billy: High. Not totally his fault since his wife died when his kids were young. Still, he's not close with his daughters and his son is constantly taking off his clothes in public for free.
Edward: Medium. When Jacob, a much older man, "imprints" on Renesmee, Eddie still allows his daughter to see him. Kind of creepy and sends the wrong message for healthy relationships. However, they're rich and she'll have a strong education, so she won't need the money for college.
And Now... Readers Weigh In On Favorites -- and I Comment on Their Comments
@SkylarLSpencer: "Carlisle Cullen, of course. Cuz if you accidentally kill someone, he helps you hide the body. Oh, and he's f*** hawt. [sic]" (I'm not sure why you'd want your dad to be hot.)
@tashpalo: "Charlie!!! For the way he lovingly puts up with Bella always running off without explanation." (She could be running off to join a cult, though. The Cullens seem a little culty if you don't know they're just merely vampires.)
@theMwagon: "CHARLIE CHARLIE CHARLIE. He's so sweet & earnest." (She's more excited about Charlie than he is about himself.)
@IAmYuliaBelka: "Edward! Hands down . . . lol." (I’m not sure if she's joking with the "LOL" at the end. But this is no laughing matter, IAmYuliaBelka. This is serious business.)