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The 2nd Annual 'Twilight' Academy Awards

Twilight: Breaking Dawn UK premiere
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Last year, the Academy Awards wanted to attract a broader and younger audience. Unfortunately, they did not go with my suggestion of adding new categories that "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" would be sure to win. That would have definitely attracted the Twi-hard tween crowd, whom advertisers everywhere are trying to get their greedy paws on.

Instead, the Academy went with adding 10 movies to the Best Picture category, which allowed more populist films to be included; and they made James Franco and Anne Hathaway the hosts. We can all agree both choices were disasters, right? Younger viewers didn't care if "Toy Story 3" was nominated for Best Picture. It already had "Best Animated Feature" locked up anyway. And they especially didn't care if "127 Hours" was nominated. Plus, the Hathaway-Franco hosting combo made us all want to cut our arms off with a pocket knife, just to distract from the pain in our ears.

Owing to last year's failure, the Academy has seemingly given up on attracting a youth viewership. They incorporated an advanced metrics system that even Jonah Hill's character from "Moneyball" wouldn't understand for picking Best Picture nominees, and ended up with nine. They also panicked when Eddie Murphy pulled out as host and went with old Mr. Faithful, eight-time host Billy Crystal. Do younger viewers even know Crystal? Not unless they have him in their death pool this year.

Also Check Out: 2012 Oscar Predictions

So, in my second selfless attempt to help the film industry's biggest night mean a flying s**t to younger viewers, I'm pleading with them to incorporate at least one of the following categories as a last-minute bonus to the show. It's a surefire way to increase tween viewership, who would otherwise be playing video games or awkwardly dry-humping in the bedroom while their parents are distracted by Billy Crystal's witty eye-rolls and musical numbers.

Best Supernatural Feature

"The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"
"Super 8"
"Rise of the Planet of the Apes"
"Justin Bieber: Never Say Never" (no way that kid is a mere mortal)

WINNER: "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"
Summit

Best Supernatural Sequel

"The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2"
"Paranormal Activity 3"
"Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides"

WINNER: "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"

Best Vampire Performance

Robert Pattinson in "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"
Colin Farrell in "Fright Night"
Christopher Mintz-Plasse in "Fright Night"
Katja Lundgren in "Sun Shadows: Faithful Kiss"

WINNER: Katja Lundgren! Just kidding. It's Robert Pattinson.

Best Non-Vampire Performance in a Supernatural Role

Taylor Lautner in "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"
Alex Pettyfer in "I Am Number Four"
Daniel Radcliffe in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2"
Jennifer Lawrence in "X-Men: First Class"

WINNER: Taylor Lautner

Also Check Out: Male Twi-Hard Reviews the "Breaking Dawn - Part 1" DVD

Best Human Performance in a Supernatural Film

Kristen Stewart in "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"
Katie Holmes in "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark"
Emile Hirsch in "The Darkest Hour"
James Franco in "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"

WINNER: Kristen Stewart (in her last year eligible for the category!)

Julia Jones in Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1
Summit

Best Peformance in a Supernatural Redemption Role

Julia Jones in "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"
Patrick Wilson in "Insidious"
Alan Rickman in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2"
Michael Fassbender in "X-Men: First Class"

WINNER: Julia Jones

Best Use of CGI For Monsters

"The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"
"Transformers: Dark of the Moon"
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2"
"The Smurfs" (I'm terrified of those things)

WINNER: "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"

Best Use of Colon in a Film Title

"The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1"
"Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol"
"Captain America: The First Avenger"
"Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star"
"Battle: Los Angeles"

WINNER: "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1"

And that's the show. Thanks for tuning in, folks!

Parting Note: I don't want to hear any bitching from you Potter-heads for leaving your movie out of Best Supernatural Feature. I included your movie plenty in other (less prestigious) categories.

Also, I'm still waiting for offers from the Academy as an Oscars consultant. You already know my demands: a private "Twilight" screening room and a job title that includes the word "vampire."

Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard is a “Twilight” humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes every other week on NextMovie. Read Ryan’s introductory post here and follow him on Twitter.

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