It's been a while since my last Twi-Bites column. There have just been so many Twi-hard topics that have required more in-depth analysis. However, with the recent release of the "Breaking Dawn-Part 2" teaser, "Twilight" stimuli (Twi-uli?) is starting to flow fast and furious.
Not being able to pick just one thing to talk about, I've decided it's time to bring back Twi-bites and easily distill all of this month's Twi-hard–worthy news into easy-to-swallow nuggets. Imagine them wrapped with bacon and stuffed with cheese for maximum enjoyment.
Drowning in New Vampires
Unless you've been trapped under parking-garage concrete (sorry, "True Blood" reference), you've seen the new "Breaking Dawn - Part 2" teaser that Summit released on June 20, a.k.a. Edward Cullen's 111th birthday. Predictably, it looks epic. I mean, it has to after "Breaking Dawn - Part 1" suffered the worst reviews of any "Twilight Saga" installment and any of director Bill Condon's films (however, not as bad as screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg's "Step Up").
There are numerous things to be psyched about. Chief among them is the number of new vampires with interesting new powers. While Stephenie Meyer is already financially set for six lifetimes, she could easily make millions more on various spin-offs starring these vampires: Alistair, Garrett, the Amazon clan, etc. She wouldn't even have to write them, just farm them out like the "Bourne" series.
R.Pattz' Career in Jeopardy?
I'm an R.Pattz believer. While I won't claim to have enjoyed "Water for Elephants" or "Bel Ami," I understand why he took the roles. He's trying to break out of the Edward Cullen typecasting. Unfortunately, he's choosing films that aren't helping his case as a post-"Twilight" leading man. Over in the U.K., "Bel Ami" and "Cosmopolis" are tanking at the box office.
What roles should he be taking instead? Anything by Lee Daniels, I say. That dude made us believe Mo'Nique is a Academy Award-worthy actress and that Billy Bob Thorton is not creepy in a sex scene with Halle Berry.
K.Stew is Rich, Bee-yotch
And She'll Be a Woman Soon
Twi-hards are used to seeing Kristen Stewart dressed as a tomboy in ragged Led Zeppelin T-shirts, oversized flannels and Converse All-Stars our little brother wouldn't even wear. We're so used to it, we sometimes forget how totally hot she can be. Thanks to this month's issue of Vanity Fair for reminding us that she's a woman and not Scout from "To Kill A Mockingbird."
In the set of photos, K.Stew wears elegant dresses that the women in "Downton Abbey" would think are "overdoing it" and looks like she was born in them. Now, if we can only get her to show up for a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, I can die a happy Twi-hard.
Backstreet Who?
For our final Twi-bite of the month, we have an absurd tidbit from E! Online. This weekend my "Twilight" news alert sent me the headline, "Backstreet Boys Star Taking on Twilight and True Blood?!"
For those of you too young to remember Backstreet Boys, think One Direction but older, creepier and American. I got worked up, wondering why any 40-year-old who still calls himself a "boy" feels justified in "taking on" either vampire hit. Well, it turns out the boy (man) band member, Kevin Richardson, is just playing a vampire in an upcoming B-movie and E! is trying to stir the pot by asking Richardson if he's familiar with either series. Turns out, he likes "True Blood" and hasn't seen "Twilight," but says nothing negative about it.
So, Twi-hard threat averted, you can go back to not caring about Kevin … who again?
Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard is a "Twilight" humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes every other week on NextMovie. Read Ryan’s introductory post here or follow him on Twitter.
