Fact: Every month the American media reports more news about the cast and culture of "Twilight" than they do news about the United States' ongoing wars.
Okay, that's not true. Sometimes I like to invent facts to keep you on your toes -- you know, like members of Congress.
But still, there is more "Twilight" news out there than most Twi-Hards can swallow, so each month I condense the essentials into easily digestible Twi-Bites: Pattz Stew Du Jour, Unconditionally and Irrevocably in Love, Vamp Buzz, Glowering Report and Twi-Hard of the Month.
Some say they taste like chicken.
Pattz Stew Du Jour
In the weeks leading up to and since Robert Pattinson's 25th birthday, he has received a number of gifts from the universe.
First of all, he still gets to be Robert Pattinson. Second, the decent box office numbers for "Water For Elephants'" have convinced most Hollywood executives that he's a legitimate draw. Third, "Eclipse" is nominated for eight MTV Awards. And finally, he gets to sleep with Kristen Stewart, on the regular, all summer.
Since the "Snow White and the Huntsman" star doesn't have to report to set until autumn, Stewart has summer vacation and decided to spend it with RPattz and their dog Bear (luckiest dog since Brangelina's bulldog) in a swanky Toronto hotel as he works on "Cosmopolisin." Someday I dream of staying at a hotel so nice they allow dogs.
Unconditionally And Irrevocably In Love
Nikki Reed (a.k.a. Rosalie Hale) and former "American Idol" contestant Paul McDonald are the hottest new romance to burgeon amongst "The Twilight Saga" camp over the last month.
The "too-trite-for-Twilight" singer/songwriter claims Reed fell for him because he didn't know her work, and therefore was not star-struck by her (he's maintained that "whatever" attitude in front of the press).
Note to Reed: I've never seen "Thirteen," "Lords of Dogtown," or anything else you've been in besides "Twilight." I'm also open to the memory-erasing procedure documented in the film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."
Twi-Hards will be utterly Twilight-less until "Breaking Dawn" is released in November, so we'll have to feed on other vampire offerings in the meantime. The good news is there are some promising substitutes.
It's not a movie, but HBO's "True Blood" satisfies that itch some Twi-Hards get for, well, sex and buckets of blood. The trailer for Season 4 (premiering June 26) is out and it looks sexy and bloody, as well as sexily bloody.
August will bring the long awaited "Fright Night" to theaters. A revamp of the 1985 comedy-horror classic, it stars Colin Farrell in the role he was born to play, attractive douchebag vampire Jerry. The story focuses on high-school senior Charlie Brewster (Anton Yelchin) as he tries to protect his mom (Toni Collette), best nerd-friend Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and sexy girlfriend Amy (newcomer Imogen Poots, candidate for best name in Hollywood).
Exciting news this week: Indie film auteur Jim Jarmusch announced plans to shoot a so-far unnamed flick with Michael Fassbender, Mia Wasikowska and Oscar-winner Tilda Swinton as vampires. This will be Jarmusch's first horror movie and may be the first step in forcing hipsters and film students to finally embrace the vampire uprising, rather than hate on it because it's popular. Shooting won't begin until early 2012, but it's something to look forward to down the pike.
For those readers who made the mistake of seeing "Priest" (and paying for it), I feel your pain. Despite the fact director Scott Charles Stewart's last film, "Legion," put me to sleep at 8 p.m. on a Friday night, I got caught up in the vampire hype leading up to "Priest." I even read a couple of the Korean graphic novels that inspired it, because they weren't actually in Korean.
Unfortunately, I found it to be a crappy mash-up of vampire and dystopia clichés. To get the same effect, just tape vampire photos on your TV screen, play "Blade Runner" with no volume and bring junior-high students in to improvise the dialogue.
In fact, do that anyway. That shoulds like it would make for an amusing Saturday night.
Twi-Hard of the Month
This will sound cheesy, but the award for Twi-Hard of the Month goes to America. The United States Social Security Administration released its findings for the country's most popular baby names in 2010. Jacob and Isabella top the list for the second year in a row. New mothers are forgoing classic baby-naming books and simply choosing their favorite names in "Twilight." Awesome.
Plus, Barack Obama's administration finally killed Osama Bin Laden. What does that have to do with "Twilight"? Obama admitted to reading the books to his daughters. Meyer's battle between good and evil may have given him the resolve finish Bin Laden, who was kind of our version of a Volturi leader.
You never know.