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The Onion's 30 Funniest Movie Headlines Ever

The Onion

Do you constantly look at news headlines and swear to Baby Jesus they're fake? Here's one just from today: Wahlberg Brother Opening Burger Joint Called Wahlburgers. (Come on!)

If so, you're probably a loyal reader of The Onion, the satirical gem that's grown from a University of Wisconsin rag to a widely celebrated cultural mainstay on the strength of its laugh-out-loud headlines (let's face it, sometimes you don't even need the text).

What's nice about The Onion is that as astute and pointed as its headlines can be in commenting on the zeitgeist's most absurd, at least we know the stories aren't real.

For as long as the paper's been in print, its editors have been whipping up hilarious quips on Hollywood and its stars. Here are our 30 faves.

30. New Pixar Employees Required To Watch Adorable Sexual Harassment Video

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29. Vince Vaughn Appears On 'Tonight Show' To Deceive Country About Latest Film

The Onion

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28. 'Entertainment Weekly' Critic Lets Director Redo 'Sorority Row' For Better Grade

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27. Roommate Won't Shut Up About His Best Sound Mixing Oscar

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26. Djimon Hounsou To Play Every African In The World

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25. 'Crash' Pulled From Theaters Following Real-Life Car Crash

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24. Velociraptor From 'Jurassic Park' Dies

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23. 280 Days Of Meryl Streep's Year Spent Being Honored

The Onion

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22. Ridley Scott Trades Russell Crowe To Tim Burton For Johnny Depp

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21. Sean Penn Demands To Know What A**hole Took SeanPenn@ gmail.com

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20. Entire 'Napoleon Dynamite' Plot Pieced Together Through Friends' Quotes

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19. Alan Rickman Ends Pizza Delivery Order With Ominous 'So Be It'

Alan Rickman
The Onion

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18. Danny DeVito A Lot Taller, Thinner In Person

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17. Rob Schneider Lands Role Originally Written For Chimp

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16. Local Moviegoer Signs $70, 10-Picture Deal With Cineplex Odeon

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15. Josh Hartnett Returns To Pearl Harbor For First Time Since Film

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14. Congress Appropriates $3.17 To Rent 'Tango & Cash'

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13. Two Publicists, Stylist, Personal Assistant Injured As Nicole Kidman Turns On Handlers

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12. 5-Year-Old Critics Agree: Movie ‘Cars’ Only Gets Better After 40th Viewing

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11. Chris Tucker To Focus Attention On Smaller, More Personal 'Rush Hour' Projects

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10. Actor Matthew McConaughey Agrees To Star In Whatever

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9. New Terminator Movie Brings J.D. Salinger Out Of Hiding

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8. 'Gigli' Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die

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7. Catherine Zeta-Jones Happy To See People On Internet Would Still Hit That

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6. Twelve More Pie-F**king Movies In The Works

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5. Jason Statham Beats Wedding Planner To Death In New Romantic Comedy

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4. Does Strange Death Curse Haunt Cast Of 'Gone With The Wind'?

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3. FBI Uncovers Plot To 'Sex And The City 2'

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2. Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie

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1. J.K. Rowling Ends Harry Potter Series After Discovering Boys

J.K. Rowling
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