We haven't seen Kristen Stewart on film since last November, when she got pregnant, almost died and then opened her red eyes. True, she's in "On the Road," which premiered at Cannes International Film Festival last week; but none of us are fancy enough to visit the south of France, and who know when that indie will get a proper U.S. release?
"Snow White and the Huntsman" will probably be our only K.Stew fix until "Breaking Dawn - Part 2" in November, so it's time to get properly excited for this Grimms' fairy tale turned dark fantastical war film.
If I sound leery, I don't mean to. At first glance, yes, the film sounds absurd. However, after digging into it further, I've found 12 reasons to get excited about director Rupert Sanders' first full-length feature (even though I have no idea who he is).
1. It's not 'Mirror Mirror'
If you're lucky, you've already forgotten about this bomb that stars Lily Collins as Snow White and Julia Roberts as the Queen. It premiered in March and is so bad that "Snow White and the Huntsman" will be better simply because it's not "Mirror Mirror."
2. It's Snow White with balls
Not literally. Don't worry, Kristen Stewart does not play a transsexual Snow White (though I imagine she's quirky enough to try that role in the future). This film essentially takes the best parts of the "Snow White" fairy tale (the hot chicks, the huntsman, the heart-eating, the seven dwarves) and mashes it up with "Game of Thrones."
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3. It's half British
"Snow White and the Hunstman" is labeled a British/American production, which means you'll feel smarter just watching it. Don't believe me? Think about the other things that are British: William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, "Downton Abbey," Ricky Gervais, Robert Pattinson … Need I go on?
4. Charlize Theron gets naked in whole milk
I don't know how screenwriter Evan Daugherty saw into my dreams, but the trailer clearly depicts a naked Charlize Theron dipping herself in what looks like whole milk. It's just like "The Secret" says: If you truly believe it will happen, it will.
5. Kristen Stewart in armor
Let's be honest, a big reason we're all stoked about "Breaking Dawn - Part 2" is that we finally gets to see K.Stew stop being a delicate klutz and start kicking some ass. Well, she isn't an immortal vampire in this film, but she is still one tough chick in armor.
6. K.Stew swings a sword
7. K.Stew gets wet and muddy
Okay, sorry to get pervy again, but before Snow White straps on the armor and grabs a sword, she gets lost in the Dark Forest, aka the Muddy Forest. I'm not saying that's a turn-on for everyone, but there is a reason people pay to see women mud-wrestle.
8. Angry battling dwarves
In the Disney cartoon, the seven dwarves are bumbling, good-spirited guys named Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey. In this "Snow White," they're mean-spirited, carry violent weaponry and have names like Gort, Quert and Duir. These little guys kick some ass.
9. Nick Frost plays a dwarf
If you have any sense of humor at all, you no doubt love the films "Shaun of the Dead," "Hot Fuzz" and "Paul." Now we get to see "the fat one" play a dwarf, and personally, I can't wait.
10. Chris Hemsworth gets medieval
Ever since he stormed onto the big screen with his barrel chest and Thor locks, Chris Hemsworth has been destined to get medieval on our asses. Viggo Mortensen, Johnny Depp and Hugh Jackman were all considered for the role as well, so perhaps this movie gives the young actor his launchpad to hit their level.
11. PG-13 for "intense sequences of violence and action, and brief sensuality"
It could be better -- it could be R-rated -- but at least all you kiddies can see it now.
12. Strong reviews so far
Sure, the reviews are few at this point, but "Snow White and the Huntsman" currently sits at 83% on Rotten Tomatoes. If it holds, it'll be Kristen Stewart's second-highest rated film of her career. "Adventureland" boasts a 89%.