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Russell Brand Vs. Sacha Baron Cohen

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Russell Brand's the type of bloke who has too much -- he's too good looking, too funny and has a beard that magically stays exactly 1/8 of an inch in length at all times. And now this lanky Limey is daring to take on the remake of Dudley Moore's classic comedy "Arthur." Bloody 'ell!

One suspects he may already be vying for a place setting at the supper table of the British comedic elite. But is he ready? Dudley Moore had some mighty large shoes to fill, even though, technically, they were quite small. Maybe Brand should first pick a fight with someone his own size.

How about Sacha Baron Cohen who, like Brand, cut his teeth across the pond before invading the U.S. of A? Now there's a chap who could take Brand to clown school. Whether he's poking fun at politicians as street thug-turned-interviewer, Ali G, or dredging up the worst in people as unworldly Kazakhstani reporter, Borat, Sacha may be the brilliant Brit to beat.

Okay, tall, handsome entertainers: Let's have a go...

Full Name

Sacha Baron Cohen: Sacha Noam Baron Cohen
Russell Brand: Russell Edward Brand
Advantage: Cohen, 4-3.

Height

Fox

Sasha Baron Cohen: 6' 3"
Russell Brand: 6' 1
Advantage: Cohen. Unless Brand is having a bad hair day.

Birthplace

Sacha Baron Cohen: London, England
Russell Brand: Essex, England
Advantage: It all depends on whether one is looking to economic indicators, such as GDP -- in other words using production and overall wealth as a measure of quality -- or local, municipal services combined with polling data from which one could create what is known as a "well being" index to rank each county's quality of life. We're making some charts...

Top Grossing Film (Non-Animated)

Sacha Baron Cohen: "Borat" ($261 million)
Russell Brand: "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" ($63 million)
Advantage: Cohen

Top Grossing Film (Animated)

Sacha Baron Cohen: "Madagascar" ($193 million)
Russell Brand: "Despicable Me" ($251 million)
Advantage: Brand

Russell Brand in Arthur
Warner Bros.

Most Embarrassing in Public

Sacha Baron Cohen: Lowered, butt first onto Eminem's face while wearing a jock strap.
Russell Brand: Dresses...that way he does.
Advantage: Brand (you're not going to be in The Cure, Russell, so stop auditioning.)

Most Devoted Wife

Sacha Baron Cohen: Shiksa hottie Isla Fisher studied Judaism for three years and then converted to marry Sacha, a devout Jew.
Russell Brand: Katy Perry has yet to divorce Brand.
Advantage: Cohen (along with the Jewish people, as a whole).

Teaches Our Children the Most Inspirational Life Lessons

Sacha Baron Cohen: Teaches that there's nothing wrong with humiliating and mocking innocent ignoramuses on film for your own amusement, just as long as they fill out a release form.
Russell Brand: Teaches that heroin addiction and self-destructive behavior leads to a book deal, rock star looks and Katy Perry. So kids, whatever you do, don't...do...drugs...?
Advantage: Brand, by a whopping 800 more VDs than Cohen. Wait -- what was the category?

Meta-ness

Sacha Baron Cohen: When the government of Kazakhstan threatened Sacha with legal action after his skewering of the country in "Borat," his only public response was in character as Borat, saying: "I'd like to state that I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my government decision to sue this Jew."
Russell Brand: After becoming a bestselling author in real life, he auditioned for the part of a bestselling author in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," but the director changed the part to a rock star to better "fit" Brand. The part, in turn, made Brand a movie star, which led to him marrying a rock star. Ah, the old circle of life...
Advantage: Cohen. You know you're causing metaphysical mayhem when countries are suing your fictional characters.

And the Winner is...

Sacha Baron Cohen, by a score of 5-3. Now all that Russell Brand has left to crawl back to is his worldwide fame, beautiful wife and piles and piles of cash. We hope you can recover quickly from this loss, buddy.

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