In 2013, you don't have to be the "Man of Steel." If you're even a moderately noteworthy superhero, you're probably going to get your own movie. If that movie does well — and it probably will, since it's a superhero movie and the world loves superheroes — you're going to get a sequel, maybe even two, and those will probably do well, too. In short, being a superhero is, generally, a good thing.
That's why it's so surprising that the following nine superheroes don't already have movie deals, just by virtue of dawning their respective costumes. I'm sorry, I thought this was 'Merica! Someone get these people to a movie studio, stat!
9. Banana Man
With the glasses, you know already that Banana Man has superhuman vision abilities, so that's an easy check mark. You better believe those are glasses for near-sighted people. But it doesn't stop there: Banana Man dishes out empty banana peels like they're going out of style right at his enemies. You think that s**t is just in Mario Kart? Please. Finally, if there is a Banana Man movie made, I'm going to insist that this gentleman is cast as the title character. He clearly has the charisma to carry the role for as many movies as the studio allows. This may as well be Robert Downey III, who hangs at graveyards sometimes because why not.
8. Cow Boy
Okay, so Cow Boy got in a little trouble with the law recently. Sometimes fighting crime takes you where the po-po don't want you to go-go. No one knows that more than Cow Boy, shown here after being arrested for something called "public lewdness." Okay, society, even the prudest CCD student has seen more than their fair share of udders. Relax. (Though props to Cow Boy for spiting the man and displaying those things front and center in the mugshot. Good for you.) As for Cow Boy's superpowers, let's just say he knows a thing or two around a pasture. What does that mean? That's the thing: No one knows. Yeah. Mind blown, right? Everyone get ready for Cow Boy.
7. The LegoTroopers
Couple of obvious things about the LegoTroopers to point out immediately: 1) The regular Stormtroopers from the "Star Wars" franchise didn't get much of a back story, did they? George Lucas had six movies to say something about where these dudes came from, and nothing. Just there to get blownz up by our heroes. And speaking of, 2) What's the point of wearing all of that armor if it doesn't stop s**t? Seriously, it didn't even stop the slingshots from the Ewoks in "Return of the Jedi." Sweet uniforms. Quick fix: How about some Legos? Done and done. Like Banana Man, we already have our two stars pictured here: two modest, seemingly confused humans from the suburbs. Boom.
6. The ... Uh ... Justice, Federation?
Say this about the Justice Federation: What they lack in clothing, they make up for in enthusiasm. You won't have to tell them to go anywhere that crime is, or have a "Justice Federation" symbol to shoot to the sky (so many jokes on what that could possibly be), they'll probably just be there, and they'll be ready. To do what exactly, who knows? But they'll be there, and judging by this picture, they'll be versatile enough to handle any situation, however sticky. And yes, if I were a criminal, I'd definitely be most afraid of Spider-Man in the front. Good luck, bad guys.
5. The Hot Dog Champion
Yes, it's "The Hot Dog Champion" and not simply "Hot Dog Man" or "The Boy Hot Dog" or some other form of sacrilege. This guy is a champion. He's a champion mustache grower. He's a champion of taking embarrassing pictures in the 1980s. And most importantly, he's a champion of life. Think about how much of a role model the Hot Dog Champion will be to your kids. This is the first un-ironically mustached man that you'd not only let touch your kids, you'd encourage to touch your kids. Because maybe that Hot Dog Champion sauce rolls off on ol' Junior. As for his superpower? Killer hot dogs. If you're against that, you're against fun.
4. MetroCard Man
The merits of MetroCard Man are the most obvious on this list. Who among you (in New York City, so the people who matter, basically) haven't been at a turnstile that has so coldly refused your entrance with an all-caps "INSUFFICIENT FARE"? Or, worse, a "PLEASE SWIPE YOUR CARD AGAIN AT THIS TURNSTILE" over and over as you watch your train pull up, empty, fill up and depart while you frantically try to swipe an unreadable old card? Enter MetroCard Man, there at the drop of a "F**K!" when your card won't work any more. And is that not the friendliest human face you've ever seen? He just wants to help! And he will. Oh, he will.
3. This Guy
First of all, I want to be clear that I don't mean the name "This Guy" ironically; I really insist that this character, who, yes, would be perfect for his own movie franchise (and fine, it would have to be R-rated, I guess), be called "This Guy." "This Guy" fits the character like a, um, bucket on a man boob. Think about it — if the person in the above photo showed up when you were getting mugged in an alley, tell me you and the criminal wouldn't both stop what you're doing, look at each other and say with all the skepticism in the world, "Who the hell is this guy?" Everyone would be so confused that This Guy would be able to pick off his prey in the resulting mess. It's almost too perfect. I already can't wait for "This Guy 2: Back in the Banana Hammock."
2. The Walking Exorcism
Listen, I'm with Joss Whedon: The dearth of female superhero movies in this country is saddening and reprehensible. The good news is, I know the perfect solution. Ladies and gentlemen, meet The Walking Exorcism, who will show up when you least expect it — in your nightmares, at your workplace, at your dinner table — and simply stare at you until you cry and run away. Skeptical? Do me a favor and take a good look at that face one more time. How long can you stare at it before scrolling away or clicking on another tab? Three seconds? Is she pregnant? There's no way of even knowing! I present the first horror/ superhero movie in cinema history, "The Walking Exorcism," starring Rebel Wilson.
1. The Human Salad
The Human Salad needed 16 movies made about him seven years ago. He's the most modern superhero imaginable. With advancing research over the last several decades regarding diet and how it relates to health, The Human Salad would be an incredible role model for Americans trying to lose weight or prevent weight gain. He could travel around the country with Michelle Obama and poke babies' faces with his carrot fingers. More importantly, however, The Human Salad is contemplative, as you can see from the photo. He doesn't rush to judgment; he analyzes a situation and proceeds carefully. He broods over the smallest life choices. Yes, he is absolutely made for Christopher Nolan. Chris, meet the Human Salad. Best enjoyed with an Oscar.