Phew! What a ride! Two short hours later, the MTV Movie Awards are over, and it's safe to say that the 2013 version was as memorable as any. One thing's for sure: I definitely didn't write this vague, general introduction a full 45 minutes before the show even started.
It was a whirlwind 120 minutes, and even if you didn't miss a moment, you may have missed a few moments. So let's head to the replay booth and recap the best and worst of what we just saw.
BEST: Snoop Lion Calling "Magic Mike" a "Beautiful Movie" on the Red Carpet
And it wasn't even awkward. America just nodded.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: "The Only Thing I've Hosted is This Parasitic Worm."
BEST: Rebel Wilson's Physical Comedy
She dominated the intro's "Pitch Perfect" reunion that was only sullied by the production staff inexplicably cutting to Kim Kardashian's botoxified reaction at the end of the performance.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: The "Lena Dunham's Vagina" Joke
BEST: Bradley Cooper's Win For "Silver Linings Playbook"
Let's face it: Old versions of the MTV Movie Awards would have given the win to Channing Tatum in "Magic Mike" because OMG SO F**KING HOT ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW LOL or something along those lines. Cooper's win shows some evolution and maturation. Well done, award voters. You can sit at the adult table now. But only for dessert.
WORST: Cooper Refusing to Rub the Win in Daniel Day-Lewis' Face in His Speech
As the rest of us would have done. Take your three Oscars and shove it, Dan, Brad got the muthaf**kin' POPCORN.
BEST: Jamie Foxx's Daughter Coming to the Show Again
Or was that his girlfriend? Either way, on behalf of everyone, thanks for coming, person next to Jamie Foxx. UPDATE (10:55pm): It's his daughter! Alright!
BEST: Samuel L. Jackson Nonchalantly Swearing After His Win With Foxx For "Django Unchained"
The idea of swearing on a platform where your profanity will almost definitely be bleeped out has almost become trite, but not when Sam Jackson does it. Because Sam Jackson does what he wants, when he wants, and we've been all the better for it for decades.
WORST: When Samuel L. Jackson Didn't Nonchalantly Swear After His "Best Fight" Win For "The Avengers"
Quit spoiling us, Sam.
BEST: The Scientists Who Cloned Seth Meyers 93% Of The Way to Create Eddie Redmayne
Great job, guys.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: The Idea of Jonah Hill as Christian Grey in "50 Shades of Grey"
Haha/ew/I'm kind of intrigued?
WORST: The People Who Allegedly Teased Emma Watson in School
We're coming for you, former schoolchildren of the UK. We're coming for all of you.
WORST: The Fact That Rebel Wilson Wasn't Actually in "Les Miserables"
I think it's clear we all missed out on what would have been a better movie. Shame on you, Tom Hooper. Just retire now.
WORST: Jennifer Lawrence's No-Show for "Best Kiss"
Oh suurrrreee, Jen — you're all about showing up when someone wants to give you an Oscar, but when MTV wants to give you a fake box of popcorn for letting us watch you passionately kiss someone, you're all of a sudden "busy."
BEST: Macklemore's Performing Outfit
You never know when the next time you're going to be able to perform at the MTV Movie Awards will be, so sure, Macklemore, we endorse your decision to dress like Captain Crunch.
BEST: Quvenzhane Wallis' Drinking Habit
Good for you, Q. Hollywood's tough, especially when no one can say your name correctly except one super-handsome person.
WORST: The Fact That It's Called "Game of Thrones" and Not "Dragons and Titties."
George R. R. Martin, please go the way of Tom Hooper.
BEST: Peter Dinklage's Comedic Timing
Will some Hollywood director give Pete a break from Dragons and Titties and cast him as the lead in a comedy already? Apatow, looking at you, big dog.
BEST: The Impact That Will Ferrell Has Had on All of Our Lives
It's entirely possible that 2013 Will Ferrell has somehow become underrated. And his family is beautiful.
WORST: The Line "We're Gonna Need Some Cars, and Make Sure They're Fast" From the "Fast & Furious 6" Promo
Oh, they need to be fast, Dom? Not a big fan of slow cars these days? Thanks for the heads-up.
WORST: The Decision to Not Cut to Quvenzhane Wallis When She Lost "Best Breakthrough Performance" to Rebel Wilson
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: The Amount of Pubic Hair Jokes for the Entirety of the Show
One is fine. Two is better. Even three is great. 8,716 might be a few too many.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: Taylor Lautner's "Shirtless" Win Speech
"Haha, I let myself go, guys! I'm huge now! LOL just kidding I still have 0.7% body fat and can have sex with the whole room if I snap my fingers once."
BEST: Tom Hiddleston's Name-Dropping Abilities
To save some time after winning the Golden Popcorn for "Best Villain," Hiddleston should have just brought up a recording of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire," hit play and walked off the stage.
BEST: Oh Hello, Selena Gomez
Spraaang break. Spraaaaaaang break. Sprang break for evahhhhhh.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: Rebel Wilson's Third Nipple
I shouldn't presume — could be a fourth or fifth nipple for all we know. And as she relayed to all of us, that would be okay.
BEST: Jamie Foxx's Head Tattoo
Why did I not know about this before? A) It's fantastic, but B) why is Mike Tyson a crazy person when he gets a tattoo on his head but when Jamie Foxx does it it's totally cool? Oh, because Jamie Foxx didn't also bite someone's ear off and then attempt to "fade into Bolivian?" Got it.
WORST: Liam Hemsworth's Australian Accent
Just stop, dude. Like you don't have enough going for you. Please.
BEST: Philip Seymour Hoffman in "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire"
As if to purposely pre-empt any potential "Hunger Games" exhaustion, the film's producers cast the Notorious PSH as a villain for the second movie. Score.
BEST: Brad Pitt's "Brad Pitt" Costume
$14.95 at K-Mart April-September, $29.95 in October.
BEST: Bill Paxton and Jim Gaffigan For Having Birthed Joss Whedon So He Could Make "The Avengers"
Hopefully Paxton and Gaffigan at least got "Special Thanks" shout-outs in the credits.