Ahh, the never-ending pursuit of the almighty
dollar yen, euro and ruble. It will forever dominate us all — especially those in Japan, Europe and Russia, respectively.
That's where the following American movie stars traveled to film a commercial or two. Fortunately for us, what happens overseas does not stay overseas. Thanks, YouTube! We haven't quite forgiven you for Bieber, but this is a good first step.
Here are the ten most random non-American commercials starring American movie stars. Indulge yourself in funny languages you'll never learn.
1. George Clooney in Norway
This commercial is straightforward, and superb. A young Norwegian lady wakes up from a bender and realizes she's now married to George Clooney, who may or may not have thought she was Drew Barrymore and was for some reason wearing a horse head much of the evening before. The great thing is if this happened in real life — Clooney goes to Norway, marries a pretty girl, buys a house there — approximately 0% of people would be taken aback.
2. Tommy Lee Jones in Japan
Tommy Lee Jones made 15 incredible 30-second ads for the Boss coffee company in Japan where he plays an alien who studies earthlings and talks to himself about what he observes as he tries to adapt to the culture (with a Japanese voiceover as his voice, of course). Watch this video and then try not to say "Kahn-ko-hee-no Boss" (sp) 400 times over the next week.
3. Daniel Day-Lewis in Japan
Daniel Day-Lewis scoops water from a lake, looks at the camera, and tells us that he's judged the water to be pure. Then a glacier breaks apart out of nowhere and a voiceover tells us (we're guessing) to purchase said water in a bottle. Short and sweet, and as we've come to expect from him, Day-Lewis method-acts the **** out of his "Pleasant-Looking Man Who Dips Hand in Water to Judge Its Purity" role.
4. Chuck Norris in the Czech Republic
Chuck Norris is staying with a family in the Czech Republic for Christmas and the family patriarch is so excited that he starts doing Norris-style karate moves for him. This makes him inadvertently knock over the family's Christmas tree, which he then blames on Chuck to his wife. He has a point: It probably wouldn't have happened if Chuck wasn't randomly staying at the house of a working class family in the Czech Republic for Christmas. This is all somehow related to convincing Czechs to purchase a T-Mobile Internet, television and phone bundle.
5. Britney Spears in Japan
Young Britney Spears is narcissistically dancing around on her private plane to her own music when she suddenly gets the urge for Suki gummy candy. She then feeds some to her uber-professional Secret Service agent friend, and this causes him to let loose and dance with her. She speaks to the camera in Japanese at the end. Reportedly, Spears only agreed to do the commercial after her agent convinced her that "Japan" was an obscure section of Los Angeles. (And if you think Britney Spears isn't a movie star, well, my friend, you've obviously never seen "Crossroads.")
6. Jean-Claude Van Damme in Japan
Jean-Claude Van Damme isn't horny, has no nerve endings and can't feel fire. What to do? Chew on Black Black gum! Now he has a bunch of energy to do jumping kicks, be burnt alive in an explosions and have sweet kiss and beautiful lovemaking. He benevolently passes on his discovery — first to a truck driver, then to a limo driver (oddly wearing a Black Black hat without having ever heard of the gum), risking his life both times to do so, and we're all energized just from having watched him work.
7. Sylvester Stallone in Russia
The Russians take pride in the fact that Sylvester Stallone still only drinks Russian vodka, despite a different country taking care of everything else about his life. The Russians are simple people, you see. Still, the most noteworthy part of the video is how many suits Stallone appears to own. We get it, Sly: You want to look your best in case an attractive lady solicits you for boning, the wild mamba or the hunka chunka.
8. Bruce Willis in Japan
We have no idea what's going on here.
9. Jessica Alba in Japan
There's not much "seems to be," here: Jessica Alba is really hot, so she's in a tight red dress smiling at everything in super slow-motion, and most of us will buy the product advertised (my advanced powers of observation suggest that it seems to be some sort of makeup thing). There is however a weird part where Alba shakes the hand of a man who doesn't seem to want to let her hand go, and he stares her down menacingly for a couple of seconds. Also there's another woman in it — but again, Alba, so.
10. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Japan
Well, we've reached the zenith. Had we been Arnold's campaign manager in '03, the above video would have been playing on the side of the tour bus the whole time. There's so much to experience in only ten minutes of video: Arnold carries cars with one hand; Arnold travels space on top of a bottle of hot sauce; Arnold emerges from a magic lamp as a genie; Arnold defeats Jerry Brown and becomes governor of California again. It's all here. So grab a Cup Noodle, open up a can of Hops and enjoy.