Hey, at least the movie got made, right?
Lindsay Lohan emerges as a whole new kind of train wreck thanks to an extremely detailed and revealing article that was published today in the New York Times. Ace reporter Stephen Rodrick delivers a lengthy but utterly fascinating read about "Taxi Driver" and "Raging Bull" screenwriter Paul Schrader, Twitter bully Bret Easton Ellis, porn superstar James Deen and everyone's favorite former Disney princess coming together to make "The Canyons," a microbudgeted sex-and-drugs odyssey funded mostly by a Kickstarter campaign.
Aspiring filmmakers, you might want to steer clear of this crazy lot if you're trying to get your own project off the ground -- especially the female lead. Here are the 10 best Lilo-related tidbits from "Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan in Your Movie" (which is definitely worth reading in its entirety if you can conjure your pre-Internet attention span).
10. "Hi, how are you? I won't play Cynthia. I want to play Tara, the lead." That's how Lindsay greeted director Paul Schrader and producer Braxton Pope during their first meeting at the Chateau Marmont. Luckily, the filmmakers had been tipped on this demand ahead of time by Lohan's agent.
9. The casting agreement stated that Lindsay would receive $100 a day and an equal share in the profits, and no vote on decision-making. Someone's probably shooting a movie in your apartment building under these exact same terms right now. The movie was so low-budget that it didn't need production insurance, which is one of the main reasons why Lohan is so unemployable right now.
8. During the first table read (to which Lohan was late), Schrader told her that her character, Tara, is a failed actress. "Rejection is formative for an actress," he explained. "Well, it's nothing like going to jail, I can tell you that," Lohan replied. Probably true.
7. Lindsay didn't show up during the first two days of filming and Schrader fired her. Upon hearing the news from Pope, Lohan headed for the Orlando Hotel in Beverly Hills and pounded on doors until she found Schrader's room. Schrader heard her crying but didn't let her in, simply texting her "Lindsay, go home." Lohan stayed out in the hall sobbing for another 90 minutes before she finally left, with Schrader refusing any assistance from hotel security.
6. Schrader came up with the theory that Lohan's weakness wasn’t drugs but fear of being alone. She needed people and chaos around her 24/7. The idea of being by herself scared the hell out of her. Hey, it's as good a theory as any.
5. During the first shooting day on location at a mansion in the Malibu hills, Lohan announced that she wanted to grab lunch somewhere on the Pacific Coast Highway. Co-producer Ricky Horne Jr. was dispatched to chaperone Lohan, her publicist and her assistants to wherever they wanted to go. At the security gate, Lohan and her entourage jumped out of Horne's car and bolted for an assistant's car. Lindsay lost her off-site lunch break privileges after that.
4. After filming a particularly grueling physical struggle in which Deen throws her to the floor, Lindsay was complimented by some of the crew on her performance. "Well, I've got a lot of experience with that from my dad." She didn't elaborate, and no one asked. Yeesh.
3. Lindsay freaked on the day she was to shoot a graphic four-way sex scene with Deen and two other porn stars. She locked herself in a walk-in closet and refused to come out. Schrader stripped off all of his clothes and approached her: "Lins, I want you to be comfortable. C'mon, let's do this." It worked.
2. After Lohan's refusal to hit her mark caused the camera crew to switch to hand-held, she retreated to the patio for a smoke. Her body mic was still on, which caused any of the sound crew still wearing headphones to hear her plain as day. "I've got one assistant passed out at my house and the other one in the Palisades saying he wants to hang himself," she confided to her smoke-break buddy. "Life's great."
1. The night before what was supposed to be the final full day of shooting, Lindsay was out with Lady Gaga until 5:30 a.m. Her call was 6 a.m. By 9 a.m., she was lying down in a Café Med booth with her hands over her eyes, shading them from imaginary sunlight. The production had the restaurant only until 11. A doctor told Schrader that Lindsay was suffering from an "inner ear infection." They shot around her that day.
And there you have it. "The Canyons" wasn't accepted to the Sundance Film Festival, so who knows when we all might have a chance to see this thing (which Steven Soderbergh offered to recut, by the way). Until then, we have this epic behind-the-scenes story of a group of has-beens trying desperately to resurrect their careers with the weirdest project imaginable ... and this amazing trailer: