Many of you are probably enjoying the summer weather and the company of your friends and family. And hey, that's great. Friends and family are often really lovely. Good for you.
As we as a movie-watching society get closer and closer to that most magical of dates, however — 12:00 a.m., November 1st, 2013 — I have to say it's becoming hard not to notice the overall lack of enthusiasm for what should, upon its glorious debut, easily become man's greatest overall achievement, an immeasurable feat that promises to make Neil Armstrong's once-legendary moon landing look like a trip to the first-floor deli for a small bag of Funyuns.
I'm talking, of course, about Jon Turteltaub's "Last Vegas."
You're not seeing things. You read that hit counter correctly. After a mere month, that trailer is already packing a cool 189,000 views — or, for reference, a good 44,000 more than the population of greater Bridgeport, Connecticut. I mean, I'm not sure what the most watched Youtube video of all time is, but we're safe assuming this is in the top 5. I'm talking big leagues, guys.
But that unbridled internet excitement, I fear, has for some reason yet to translate to everyday society. I roller blade the frozen food aisles of my local Shop Rite and I don't hear mothers whispering to their toddlers about "Last Vegas"'s eventual role in the emergence of Jerry Ferrara as a self-contained Hollywood goldmine, or the courage it must have taken "Last Vegas"'s casting director in choosing someone named "Weronika" to play a character named "Veronica." They talk about fish sticks. It's sad, it's confusing, and it's profoundly disappointing.
But that's why I'm here, guys. That's why NextMovie pays me the big bucks. I am, indeed, Last Vegas's first fan, dropping in over the next few months to ever-so-casually remind you of the SHEER F**KING BRILLIANCE of this film. (Sorry about the caps and obscenities — I was diagnosed with what some East Asian doctors are calling "Last Vegas Tourettes" a few weeks ago, of which there is no known cure. Prayers are appreciated but ultimately unwelcome.)
Indeed, heavy lies the first fan crown, but needless to say, the perks vastly outweigh the pressures. For example, I'm privy to a few early reviews of the film that were initially hidden from the general public — until now:
"'Last Vegas' was outstanding. Just outstanding. It was truly the me of movies."
"America is a rotting s**thole of totalitarian madness existing solely under the illusion of free will and the guise of the ultimately fruitless pursuit of happiness. I'm ashamed of what it has been, what it is, and what it will become, and the thought of my children and my children's children trying to intellectually grow within its borders is positively nauseating.
However, I was able to catch an early cut of November's 'Last Vegas,' and it's the tits."
-NSA Leaker Edward Snowden
"It was a privilege to catch an early screening of 'Last Vegas.' I enjoyed the movie tremendously. I sure hope they show it again in prison."
-Former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez
"'You will die. But before you do, make sure you see 'Last Vegas.' It's superb."
Shao Kahn, Mortal Kombat
I'll be back, guys. Until then, think about if you could physically stomach disappointing this man: