It's been nearly two weeks since K-Day, a date which will live in infamy for Twi-hards.
Since becoming a serious movement in 2008, we've had disappointments and setbacks, but nothing as horrible as Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson with some old gross man (it's taken me this long to even write about it). We've seen dozens of our fellow Twi-hards freaking out online, as well as Will Ferrell on "Conan," and have no doubt suffered many dark moments by ourselves.
However, time waits for no Twi-hard. While our emotional wounds may still ache, we need to start looking to the future. We only have three months until the premiere of "Breaking Dawn – Part 2" and we need the outside world to see Twi-hards as a strong family again by that time. If we seem like broken children of divorce, the general public won't want to be associated with "Twilight" and will cause the final installment to fall short of breaking box office records. That will allow Potter-heads to snigger behind our backs and we can't have that, not after our tough year.
That's why I propose Kristen Stewart hooks up with Taylor Lautner as soon as possible. I know what you're saying: "How could you be so callous? What about RPattz?" Look, Pattinson is young and British; he'll keep a stiff upper lip and bounce back. I know this is rough on everyone, but it's time for serious damage control right now. Just read through my arguments and I know you'll be convinced.
Best Way To Get Over Someone…
… is to get under someone. I know that's a crass way of putting it, but not entirely untrue, either. Reports say Stewart is the "picture of extreme emotional pain." She understandably feels horrible for what she's done, but that isn't going to change it. Pattinson can't forgive her, even if he wants to, because it'll make him look pitiful. Reports claim he's already out there, trying to move forward. K.Stew needs to get people talking about her new relationship, rather than the last one. Becoming "Taysten" with Lautner will make a huge splash and start forward movement.
Appeases Team Jacob
Team Jacob are like Chicago Cubs fans. They know their "team" can never win, but they never stop rooting. Jacob can never win Bella, but Taylor can win Kristen. This could be the first step in winning back fans that Kristen has disappointed.
Improves 'Breaking Dawn' Marketing
I'm not going to say that RPattz and KStew were a marketing creation to sell movie tickets, but their "secret," super-public relationship certainly helped generate interest in "The Twilight Saga." However, in all honesty, their relationship was kind of getting boring. What was the last big news from them? When they got a dog? Kindling a romance with Lautner will bring millions of dollars of free publicity for the film, definitely more than if she had just stayed with Pattinson.
There are not enough hot interracial couples in Hollywood. Reportedly, Lautner only has "distant" Native American ancestry, but the guy certainly looks more Potawatomi than German. If he dates Snow White, it may encourage a generation of young white girls to date other races. All of that interracial dating will decrease racism as a byproduct. Suddenly, Stewart is a hero for cheating on Pattinson to promote racial equality.
Multi-ethnic children are always great-looking, even if their parents aren't. Just think how hot K.Stew and Lautner's kids would be.
Improves Lautner's Image
Taylor Lautner hasn't done anything wrong, but he's been fighting against two public perceptions of him: 1) He's gay and 2) He's a meathead. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with being gay, but Lautner's publicity machine definitely want the world to know he's straight. To that end, what's better than a high-profile straight relationship with the most popular young actress in the world? Paparazzi would churn out "proof" of his heterosexuality any time he and K.Stew go outside. As for the second, Lautner's muscle-head body doesn't do him any favors in this sense, but Stewart puts out the artsy vibe. If he stays with her long enough, people may just start to think him deep.
If you're convinced by my arguments, please start tweet your reasons why they should hook up with #Taysten4ever.