Ms. Heigl -- er, Katherine? Can we call you, Katherine? Great. That makes this a bit easier. Sit down. Relax. We're afraid we lured you here under a bit of a false pretense. This isn't a "Roswell" reunion at all. It's an intervention.
No, no! Don't get up. We care about you. That's why we're doing this. We want you to be the best actress you can be. We want you to be one of the greats, Katherine. But to do that, you've got to do one thing: Stop making romantic comedies.
It's okay. Look, there's Kleenex, juice, cookies ... just help yourself and listen.
The fact is, Katherine, you've done too many. You've done six since in the past four years, and we think that's at least five too many. We're not counting your comeback/breakthrough "Knocked Up," which was really more of a baby mama dramedy, but we are counting everything after that: "27 Dresses," "The Ugly Truth," "Killers," "Life As We Know It," "New Year's Eve" and now "One For the Money." You can try to convince us two of these are genre benders because they have guns, but it's no use. When the longing glances outnumber the bullets, it's a romantic comedy.
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We don't know your method for picking them, or why you seem to gravitate towards lady characters that no one really roots for. We want to believe this isn't your fault. You probably get an adorable and witty script, and then edits and rewrites turn it into something shrill, unromantic and deserving of a "rotten" Rotten Tomatoes score.
And oh, those scores ... Katherine, did you know not one of your past six movies has earned a "fresh" rating? The score has been falling since "27 Dresses." No woman wants a 7% on her record, but you've got one, and we want it to be the last one. Let's make that 13% on "The Ugly Truth" something to laugh about when you're on "Inside the Actor's Studio."
Shh, Katherine. You're going to get there. You are! Here's how: You take that side of you that critics malign -- that brash, ballsy, cool as a cucumber, say-what's-on-your-mind side -- and you give your career an Angelina Jolie/Sigourney Weaver makeover. No more frenetic career girls who fluster at the sight of a square jaw. It's not you, Katherine, and it's no fun to watch you dump those guys, then realize you love them, then try to win them back. It's stale and predictable, and that's not you. You're the actress who withdrew herself from Emmy consideration! You're a lady of controversy!
What you need to do is take that backbone and turn it to playing cops, journalists, scientists, FBI agents, doctors, soldiers and lawyers. We can picture you using that sharp voice and flinty glare -- the one that cut Gerard Butler down so well -- to put a serial killer behind bars, or head up an investigation into government corruption. We see you coolly peering into a microscope to discover the cure to a disease, or racing against the clock to save the entire Eastern seaboard from a terrorist attack. There are not many actresses we could believe as a stern diplomat trying to prevent famine, or a congresswoman trying to pass an environmental law, but we would believe it of you.
Why, we could even see you as the bad girl in a movie. A corporate lawyer who is viciously helping her company get ahead, no matter what the cost, only to be brought down by George Clooney. Oscars are won from such roles; just ask Tilda Swinton.
Seriously, Katherine, we can see it. And it's awesome. It's so much more you, and it's so much more empowering for female fans. Women are tired of being pandered to by pretty actresses who insist they can't get love, and these drippy movies are a dime a dozen. They're forgotten faster than you can say "ensemble holiday piece."
But actresses of grit, stamina and courage -- those are rare. You have to be tough to be one of those, and we know the woman who calls out screenwriters and directors is exactly that. We know you can do better. We don't want you to vanish and become a punchline of what not to do in Hollywood. If you keep picking up these "stressed girl meets cute guy" scripts, we're going to lose you forever.
We're saying this because we care, and we want to help. No more romantic comedies, Katherine. You're hurting yourself, and you're hurting viewers. Put down that script about some hunk as a schlub who gets on your nerves, and pick up an edgy indie drama instead. You'll take your first step into a brighter world ... and we promise we'll watch you, every step of the way.