Survey: Have you ever been eaten by a dinosaur? Yeah, neither have I. Good for us.
From watching each of the three "Jurassic Park" movies, though — "Jurassic Park" (1993), "The Lost World: Jurassic Park" (1997) and "Jurassic Park III" (2001) — it sure looks like getting eaten by a dinosaur hurts pretty bad, doesn't it? Let's just agree that there are better ways to go than being eaten by a dinosaur. Glad we got that out of the way.
But what, you ask, are the worst ways to be eaten by a dinosaur, as demonstrated by the three films? I can't believe you asked that, for two reasons: 1) We coincidentally happen to have a ranking of the nine most horrific deaths in the "Jurassic Park" movies set up for you below, in case you asked, and 2) You're messed up in the head, man. Get some help.
Kidding! We love you! Stay just the way you are.
9. Lawyer Is Eaten by a T-Rex on the Toilet, 'Jurassic Park'
First off, yes, there were eight deaths deemed more horrific than this one. And even though the lawyer is plucked clean off the toilet for the first official dinosaur murder (First Official Dinosaur Murder = INCREDIBLE emo band name) in "Jurassic Park," at least of a major character, it could have been worse. Really. For one, once the hut is knocked down around him, the lawyer has ten seconds or so to ready himself to be eaten. He even makes sure his hair is slicked back for some reason, like he's preparing to meet a potential honey in the digestion process. There's no real shock for him here, which in general (and as we'll come to find out) ups the horror. Of course, then he gets picked up by the jaws of a 5,000-pound T-Rex, and his back probably breaks before he's swallowed whole, etc. But still.
8. San Diego Resident and Blockbuster Fan Is Eaten by T-Rex, 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park'
Sure, this one looks super-painful, but it's hard to have any sympathy for this guy. If we all lived in the universe of "The Lost World," this hapless individual would have his own Wikipedia page and be seen as a victim of the horror unleashed by a random T-Rex in San Diego in 1997. But we'd know better. Because we'd know that he was originally sprinting away from the dinosaur along with hordes of citizens of San Diego, statistically unlikely to be singled out by the T-Rex unless the dinosaur really disliked the blue Power Ranger, until he randomly cut left to Blockbuster and was noticed. Just keep running, dude, and maybe you'd still be roundhouse kicking putties today.
7. The Family Dog Gets Eaten For Some Reason, 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park'
"Are you serious? This is a dog! The last guy was sniped off the street! And he has conscious thoughts and isn't a dog!" Okay, sure. But here's the thing: Up to this point in the movie, you're rooting for the T-Rex, at least on a superficial level. It's not like you hope he singlehandedly ruins civilization, but you have no real loyalties to Steven Spielberg's version of San Diego, and you enjoy it when he's running amok or trying to flip city buses or what have you. And then, out of nowhere, he decides to go and eat some kid's dog for no reason. That's the family dog! And he was scared! He wasn't f**king with you! He barked at you once and then retreated to his house when he realized what he was up against. For shame, T-Rex. You're a bad
6. Burke Has a Snake in His Shirt, and Is Rightfully Eaten, 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park'
Try to picture this scenario: You're hiding with friends from a prehistoric animal that will literally pick you up by its teeth and eat you whole. Then a snake crawls into your shirt. Now, normally, sure, a snake crawling into your shirt isn't fun, and it's certainly cause for alarm. But you're hiding with friends from a prehistoric animal that will literally pick you up by its teeth and eat you whole. Have some perspective, Mr. Burke, and suck it up. This is literally the only "snake in your shirt" scenario where, had he somehow survived the T-Rex attack, everyone there would have still been allowed to call him a pussy. Anyway, this makes #6 just for the gross sound effect at the 8:05 mark, which sounds like one is flushing a toilet and eating an apple at the same time.
5. Cooper the Mercenary Is Snatched by a Spinosaurus, 'Jurassic Park III'
This is the first death of this list (if you're counting down in order with us) that should elicit a "Oh, jeez" from you as it happens, because the dude is already crying before it happens, and so you feel extra bad for him. That's no fun. Sorry, bud. Also not fun: looking like a long-lost Baldwin brother when you cry, unless you're trying to make friends at parties. Also not fun: being eaten by a spinosaurus in front of your buddies. Ow. Cool video midpoint, by the way. Pretty much saves you a "Play" click.
4. Richard Schiff Is Torn in Half, 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park'
The mother and father T-Rex rip poor Richard Schiff in half and, to be honest with you, the horrificness of the scene is pretty well balanced out by how impressed you have to be with the efficiency of the meal. "I'll flip this guy up in the air, he'll land perfectly in my jaws, I'll take his torso, and you got the legs. Our meal will be prepared, cooked and eaten in under four seconds. Cool?" I'll bet those two T-Rexes have a very active and healthy physical relationship. Back to Schiff: We all know that if someone had shown these two T-Rexes "The West Wing," this wouldn't have happened. They would have let Toby Ziegler go and scavenged Isla Sorna for Mandy Hampton or Joe Quincy instead.
3. The Baby T-Rex Mauls Ludlow, 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park'
As a general rule for this list, the level of horror is upped the smaller the attacker gets amiriteLADIES?** But seriously, at least most of the above deaths involved being just absolutely dominated by a T-Rex that each respective character had no real chance against evolutionarily. These next three, not so much. Here, we have Peter Ludlow, nephew to John Hammond, brutalized by a baby T-Rex trying to impress his dad. It's the basis of 95% of elementary school fist fights, and here, it's the basis of antagonist Ludlow being maimed to death. We watch this and are supposed to say something like "He had it coming," and we do, but we also say something like "Ouch." **Penis joke
2. Peter Stormare Suffers Death by a Thousand Compsognathuses (Compsognathi?), 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park'
You may be wondering why the #2 ranking video clip on this list features a behind-the-scenes screen test instead of a character in the "Jurassic Park" movies being brutalized. Confession time: The clip of Peter Stormare being torn apart by the football-sized Compsognathus dinosaurs isn't anywhere on the Internet. It's not hiding anywhere, it's just nowhere. I've looked. And it may be difficult, in turn, for me to convince you that this death was horrific if no basement-dwelling sick person has even bothered to put it on the Internet for fun. Fair enough. I'll have to link you in pictures. Click here. And here. And how about this gif. Listen, it's like 200 tiny carnivorous dinosaurs ganging up on Peter Stormare and eating him. That sentence alone is awesome. Get your s**t together, Internet, and put the video online.
1. Newman Is Spat At and Ruined, 'Jurassic Park'
Newman (the character's name is "Nedry" but for the rest of the following paragraph, he is Newman) has a really rough go of it in "Jurassic Park." He shuts down the park's defense systems, endangering everyone there. He tries to steal the dinosaur genomes but almost immediately loses the can of Barbasol in which he hides them. His car stalls in a tropical storm. What else, what else ... oh, right, he's blinded and then mauled to death in his own car by a dilophosaurus, which apparently can not only fling acid at something's face whenever it wants but can also extend its neck like a sunflower to (successfully) horrify its prey before chowing down on it alive. Congratulations, Newman, you have the most horrific death in the "Jurassic Park" movies. Be proud.