It took a full century since Edgar Rice Burroughs created the character in 1912, but "John Carter" is finally slicing, dicing and leaping his way through Martian bad guys to a theater near you via the magic (and deep pockets) of Walt Disney Pictures.
But wait, what's that you say? "John Carter isn't a soldier transported to Mars, he's an emergency room doctor in Chicago!" Them's fightin' words.
To clear up confusion and dishonor, we're pitting Taylor Kitsch's John Carter against Noah Wyle's John Carter from the long-running NBC show "ER." These two had better draw their swords/scalpels and get ready for one serious showdown.
Dr. John Truman Carter III: Emergency medicine physician, philanthropist
John Carter of Mars: Confederate Civil War captain, treasure hunter
Advantage: Doctor. Even though the Virginian wins points for general badassery, he mos def picked the wrong side to fight in during the Civil War, whereas the "ER" doc was always a pretty decent and selfless dude.
Also Check Out: Taylor Kitsch Talks Injuries, Diets and Slaying Apes (Oh My)
Dr. John Truman Carter III: Appeared in 255 episodes of "ER," more than any other cast member, from its inception in 1994 through its conclusion in 2009.
John Carter of Mars: Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote 10 serialized Barsoom books, from "A Princess of Mars" in 1912 to "Llana of Gathol" in 1948. The series and the John Carter character influenced everything from "Star Wars" to "Avatar," and there have been numerous attempts to bring them to film, with early animated versions in the 1930s and efforts of filmmakers like John McTiernan, Tom Cruise, Robert Rodriguez and Jon Favreau.
Advantage: Gotta give this one to John Carter of Mars. A century of shaping pop culture is nothing to sneeze at.
Dr. John Truman Carter III: Noah Wyle has played Dr. Kenneth Monnitoff in "Donnie Darko," Steve Jobs in "Pirates of Silicon Valley," Flynn Carsen in "The Librarian" TV movies, Tom Mason in "Falling Skies" and U.S. Secretary of Commerce Donald Evans in "W."
John Carter of Mars: Taylor Kitsch is known for his roles as Kyle "Crocodile" Cho in "Snakes on a Plane," Tim Riggins in "Friday Night Lights," Gambit in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," Lt. Alex Hopper in "Battleship" and Chon in "Savages."
Advantage: Although they've both worked with Oliver Stone (in "W." and "Savages," respectively) and their biggest work has been for TV, neither has proved himself a star ... yet. Tie.
Dr. John Truman Carter III: Recovered from being stabbed in the back by a schizophrenic patient, a subsequent addiction to narcotic Fentanyl, an outbreak of monkeypox, being held at gunpoint by guerrilla soldiers in the Congo and kidney failure.
John Carter of Mars: Escaped from hostile Yankees and even hostile-er Indians, fought giant white apes in a gladiator arena, sliced through what seems like hundreds of enemy soldiers and fake-died several times.
Advantage: This one goes to the Mars John Carter, simply because he tends to be on the offensive, whereas Dr. Carter was mostly about sustaining trauma.
Also Check Out: Taylor Kitsch Probes Mars in 4 "John Carter" Clips
Giant White Ape Kills
Dr. John Truman Carter III: Zero
John Carter of Mars: Two
Advantage: Mars. This one might seem slanted, but a giant ape is a giant ape.
Dr. John Truman Carter III: Harper Tracey (Christine Elise), Abby Keaton (Glenne Headly), Roxanne Please (Julie Bowen), Elaine Nichols (Rebecca De Mornay), Rena Trujillo (Lourdes Benedicto), Susan Lewis (Sherry Stringfield), Dr. Abby Lockhart (Maura Tierney), Makemba "Kem" Likasu (Thandie Newton), Wendall Meade (Mädchen Amick)
John Carter of Mars: Princess Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins)
Advantage: What cologne is Noah Wyle wearing? The good doctor, obvs.
Dr. John Truman Carter III: Yeah he's a trust-fund whitey, but he moved to Africa where he worked at an AIDS clinic and married Thandie Newton, so bam.
John Carter Of Mars: Once again the Confederate connection hurts him, although saving two colored races (red and green ones) of Barsoom squares him with us.
Advantage: Unless Spike Lee is in the sequel, there are no blacks on Mars. This one goes to Dr. John, as thoroughly white as that guy is.
Dr. John Truman Carter III: In addition to saving lives on a daily basis at Chicago's County General Hospital, not to mention doing humanitarian work for Doctors Without Borders in Africa and the Sudan, he opens an HIV/AIDS clinic -- "The Joshua Makalo Carter Center" -- named after his stillborn son.
John Carter of Mars: He rescues Dejah Thoris on multiple occasions, saves Tars Tarkas' daughter from execution, and saves an entire frickin' planet.
Advantage: As down-to-Earth as the doctor may be, you can't beat a Martian dude who knows how to handle a sword and leap 1000 feet in the air. GO MARS!
Dr. John Truman Carter III: 995,000 Google results
John Carter Of Mars: 1,220,000 Google results
Advantage: Mars. It might have something to do with the fact that the first result after Taylor Kitsch's name is "girlfriend" while the first thing after Noah Wyle's name is "Steve Jobs."
And the Winner Is ...
In a suspenseful 6-to-4 bout, it's John Carter of Mars who emerges over the (metaphorical) bloody corpse of Noah Wyle, triumphant!