Ah, 2013. Breathe in that sweet, fresh, new year air. You're walking in a winter wonderland. Everything is new. A sense of possibility! A sense of having no clue what any of these January releases are about.
It's true: We've all been so wrapped up in hustling to see November and December's awards contenders before Hollywood's sparkliest posse gathers to repeatedly congratulate its members that we totally forgot that there are new movies coming out. "'Mama'? What's that?" you may think, puzzling over the coming soon roster. "Sounds sweet."
Gentle movie enthusiast, come with us. We'll guide you through January's new releases and show you the light, movie math style. Click ahead for our simple arithmetic breakdowns of the coming attractions.
(And for the record, "Mama" is not sweet. It's 98 percent likely to scare the living bejeezus out of you and undo whatever goodwill you may harbor toward Jessica Chastain after "The Help.")
"Texas Chainsaw 3D"
Another lunatic with a chainsaw, another day. This time with bonus inheritance plotline!
"A Haunted House"
Hey look, it's the guy from "Scary Movie" doing a horror movie spoof! Haunted house, haunted hill, haunted mansion...this one's like seeing the ghost of a movie you've already seen. Twice.
If Gosling does the "Dirty Dancing" lift with Emma Stone again, we're so in.
"Struck By Lightning"
Spoiler alert: He dies in the first five minutes. "Glee" haters, delight!
(Cue old-timey detective voice.) This is not a period piece, see.
"The Last Stand"
Ahhhh-nuld. What more do you need to know? Oh, and the guy from "Jackass." That happened.
Acting With Kids: The path to a nomination. Unless your movie comes out in January.
Birth control with a side of never sleeping again.
"Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters"
Before, their teeth were rotting from eating that candy house. Now, Hansel and Gretel are armed to the teeth.
"John Dies at the End"
OMG, SPOILER ALERT.
Your frat-boy cousin's new favorite movie. Duuuuuude!
The Return of the J-Lo.