Fanboys and fangirls, it's time to find some real estate on your prized home video shelf. He-who-must-not-be-named commands you to throw out all your "Harry Potter"Blu-rays, DVDs (and your VHS tapes - what, it's entirely plausible). That's because those money-grubbing monsters — oh, er, excuse me – awesome Hollywood studio executives are about to release the latest in the "Ultimate, Final, We Swear, Awesome 'Harry Potter' Blu-ray Boxed Set."
It's called the "Wizard's Collection," and, at the current pricetag, we're pretty sure Timothy Spall comes and delivers it to your house. (Then he won't leave until you feed him dinner, which is awkward.) At a whopping 31 discs and with a very British looking box with all sorts of trinkets and gewgaws inside, it is a must-own for any "Potter" fanatic who, you know, feels absolutely no guilt whatsoever about helping the poor.
Our spies tell us that buried somewhere within these documents, or perhaps on the new bonus disc of material that – somehow – hasn't yet been seen, Hogwart's finest professors will be debuting some brand new spells. Lucky for you, we poured a few flagons of butterbeer into the right people and, with great glee, we're able to give you an advanced peek right now. Here, then, are five new Harry Potter spells that never got used in the film.
Dragono Chaserius!
Instills an aching void, yearning for epic Young Adult fiction in its victims. They are condemned to spend the rest of their days patrolling the comments section on Amazon, buying every single new book that the publishers try to market as "The Next 'Harry Potter.'"
Tweetus Imbecilious!
Do what you can to avoid getting hit with this one. Those not lucky enough to dodge this spell are compelled to race to social media and immediately say idiotic things like, "Neil Armstrong? Is he, like, the bike rider's brother?"
Nolani Defendo!
Should you get hit with this spell you will soon join in lockstep with all who are incapable of conceiving "The Dark Knight Trilogy" as anything other than absolute brilliance and perfection. Side by side comparisons of Bane's voice before and after post-production retooling will sound exactly the same to you, because Nolan says he didn't change it and everything Nolan says is as good as the Word of God.
Licentius Misunderstandio!
You don't want to be on the receiving end of this spell. Its victims' minds are clouded with an inaccurate understanding of the licensing deals Marvel made before launching Marvel Studios. As such, you pollute your friends' Facebook pages, remarking how cool it would be if the Fantastic Four showed up in 'Avengers 2' or how great it'll be once Daredevil and Spidey team up.
Leeritus Innapropritus!
A devastating act of dark arts! It forces people to take their image of Emma Watson today and projecting that on to her when they go back and watch, say, "Sorcerer's Stone" or "Chamber of Secrets." This is followed by the need to shower for a week and a half.
Potterus Fanatico!
Creates a lifelong condition wherein you'll find yourself forking over every pricey repackaging of Rowlingania from now til the end of time. And if you make it to the 31st disc of the "Wizard Collection," it would seem as if you've already been hit.
