This Sunday, the Golden Globes will celebrate its 70th year of honoring Hollywood's finest while, for the 70th year, the rest of us will wonder, "If we have the Oscars, why the hell do we need the Golden Globes?"
Well, despite the seeming redundancy of this self-congratulatory charade, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's televised award ceremony features an open bar. And this makes for better (drunker) hosts and better (drunker) acceptance speeches than those of the prudish Oscars, with their primetime morality and prohibition-era blood/alcohol standards.
In an environment fueled by these levels of booze, egomania and Botox, just about anything could happen. So here's some headlines we hope to read while nursing our Monday morning hangovers.
1. Robert Pattinson gets revenge by also making out with 'Snow White and the Huntsman' director Rupert Sanders.
Kristen Stewart could only look on in horror as — in a blatant act of lover's revenge — Pattinson gets all grabby and tongue-tied with Sanders in the back of the hall. How does it feel, Kristen? How does it feel?
2. Adele sings duet with her four-month-old baby.
The 24-year-old diva (whose "Skyfall" single was nominated for Best Original Song) delights those in attendance by crooning with her talented newborn, who cries in perfect harmony. Fans eagerly await Adele's follow up album to "21," while her baby's debut, "1/3" is due out in February.
3. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler make every joke at the expense of Ricky Gervais.
Serving the former host with a dose of his own medicine, this year's co-hosts mercilessly taunt Ricky Gervais about his weight, odor and general unattractiveness until he curls up in a fetal position and has a mental breakdown. Gervais later hugs Robert Downey Jr. and, weeping, says he now knows that words cut sharper than any knife.
4. 'Salmon Fishing in Yemen' sweeps the Golden Globes.
While it seems unlikely that this drearily-titled, art-house softball could win Best Comedy, Best Actress and Best Actor, it also seemed unlikely that the tepidly reviewed film would get nominated to begin with. But one can never overestimate the Golden Globes!
5. Joaquin Phoenix sings "I'd Like to Get You on a Slow Boat to China" to Philip Seymour Hoffman.
After winning Best Actor for his role as a first class weirdo and arms akimbo enthusiast, Phoenix takes the podium and serenades his "The Master" co-star for three minutes straight. The audience isn't sure whether to laugh or be deeply moved or simply dry heave ... but they do know it would surely be a silly ending to a movie.
6. Meryl Streep wins for 'Hope Springs,' despite no one having seen the film.
While none of the voters — nor anyone in attendance — has actually seen the bittersweet comedy about a sexually stalled marriage in need of a jump-start, everyone agrees Streep was most likely excellent and that her regional accent — whatever it was — was probably spot on.
7. No one mentions Kim Kardashian for a full three hours.
To the relief of everyone in the banquet hall, neither the hosts nor any of the presenters or winners give further undeserved notoriety to Kardashian (famous for her ability to be photographed, breathe air and date people) by mentioning her in any one-liners.
8. Upset by a bad review of 'Cloud Atlas,' Tom Hanks throws film critic Anthony Lane off a balcony.
Shortly thereafter, Hanks flees the scene and attempts to escape the country, incognito, as a post-apocalyptic tribesman. But the world-famous actor is easily spotted by police due to the fact that he's, you know, Tom Hanks.
9. Picture-in-picture cam allows Honey Boo Boo to give color commentary to the entire ceremony.
Playing the third babe to Tina and Amy's "Charlie's Angels"-style triad of comedy, seven-year-old beauty pageant contestant and caloric cautionary tale Honey Boo Boo spews the unfiltered and random musings of her sugar-high — then sugar-crashing — brain at the screen all night. And American audiences can't get enough!
10. Daniel Day-Lewis, still in character as Lincoln, accepts the Best Actor award and issues an emancipation proclamation to free all house pets from slavery.
So convincing was the actor's portrayal of the lanky president that all the viewers at home sadly open their doors and eject the dogs and cats that have so enriched their lives. Four-legged chaos in the streets ensues.