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Fanboy Fantasy: The Women of 'The Expendables 3'

Fox

This weekend I'm getting a sixpack of antifreeze and duffel bag filled with raw ground beef and going to see "The Expendables 2."

I'm certain I enjoyed the first one (it's a bit of a haze) and if my crumpling into manly tears at the mere sight of the new one's outdoor ads is any indication, I'll have a blast yet again. One thing we must ask, however. Whither the chicks?

I say with full respect and courtesy to the fairer sex, why have you not been included in this battle royale of badassery? Yes, there are some women in the film - Yu Nan will play an agent named Maggie, Charisma Carpenter is back as Statham's g.f. and someone named Amanda Ooms is on hand to give the film some oomph - but where are the female equivalents of the Expendables? Where are the Expendablettes?

If I were in charge of everything (as I will be, eventually) here's who I'd add to the team for "The Expendables 3."

Linda Hamilton as T.K. McIntyre, weapons expert.

Linda Hamilton in "Terminator 2: Judgement Day"
Lionsgate

Every time I shut my eyes at night I see Linda Hamilton reloading a shotgun with one hand. No one has ever stood up to Arnold Schwarzenegger (or a polymorphous puddle of artificially intelligent silver goo) quite like her. How cool would it be for our heroes to go to the armory and see Hamilton smoking a big stogie, handing out the guns?

Zoe Bell as Kangaroo, jumper onto of things from dangerous perches (for real).

Anyone who has seen "Death Proof" knows that Zoe Bell is ever much the daredevil Jackie Chan was, but far more fetching. At some point the Expendables are gonna need someone to leap off of a thing onto another thing while both of those things are in motion and it'll be a lot cooler if they could show it without cutting. That's where Bell comes in.

Anna Kournikova as Natasha, the blonde who runs.

Hear me out here, because this is brilliant. "The Expendables" (actually, every movie Sylvester Stallone has made since "Cliffhanger") is all about the foreign box office. Lord knows why retired Russian tennis star/internet virus Anna Kournikova hasn't been in a movie yet. Acting ability hasn't been much of a hindrance for the male Expendables, so some scenes with her cursing in Russian will get a nice chunk of the BRIC marketplace excited. She probably can still run fast, so I suggest she be, like, a courier, or something, who has to get mircotapes across town. Do the "Expendables" have to get microtapes places? Probably.

Xena the Warrior Princess as Cannonball, tank driver.

Anchor Bay

Xena the Warrior Princess, who probably has a real name, is so, so ready for her comeback. And that comeback involves smashing a tank through a cement wall and saving Sly's ass just when it looks like all hope is gone. She should probably be Sly's love interest, too. They can marry and have little baby semi-automatic machine guns for children.

Heather Locklear and/or Tanya Roberts as Kitty McIntyre, wisecrackin' bookkeeper who knows a little karate.

What we love about "The Expendables" is seeing so many of our old friends back again, basking in ageless nostalgia. Heather Locklear and/or Tanya Roberts is just the shot of mainstream, blonde, blue-eyed wholesomeness fantasy a franchise like "The Expendables" needs. It's miraculous what they can do with computer imaging, so those who refuse to accept that, yes, even our childhood dreamgals can age won't get too heartbroken. HL and/or TR will aid our heroes with her library science skills, but when baddies try and break into the vaults she'll more than hold her own. Note: Kitty McIntyre will not be related to T.K. McIntyre. That will just be a coincidence.

Grace Jones as Clytemnestra, special ops.

Okay, I don't really know what Grace Jones has been up to for the past 20 years, but I'm sure it's not "getting less scary." She's the group's secret weapon, brought in at the end. Maybe she's kept in a lunatic asylum and is only let out in times of dire need. Her special ability is to rip the carotid arteries out of the neck's of her foes with her teeth. Or maybe just by looking at them funny.

Gina Carano as Vanzetti, unbelievable badass.

Relativity

Not everything in "The Expendables" need be a nostalgia act. (The jury is still out if whether Jason Statham is still on the way up or on the way down.) Nevertheless, Gina Carano, whose "Haywire" is still one of the best action films of the year, is just as fearsome as any of the boys in the group. No doubt her bounteous feminine beauty can be used as a lure to get the baddies to let down their guard, before the beat down begins.

Jenette Elise Goldstein (Vasquez from "Aliens") as Vanzetti's older sister.

First, yeah, I'd forgotten that was Vasquez' real name, too. Second, Goldstein isn't acting much these days, but she runs a bra shop for well-endowed women. This makes her more of a champion than all of the Expendables combined! Anyway, I'm sure we can lure her back for one or two scenes where she has to be a (chiseled) shoulder for Carano to cry on. Whether or not she plays a Hispanic, Jew or Italian-American is of no consequence because THE EXPENDABLES KNOW NO BORDERS!!

Sigourney Weaver as The Commodore, communications and strategy.

But if there's a tough gal who should have been with this franchise since its birth, it's Sigourney Weaver. As The Commodore, she'll be the one that Sly turns to when his initial plan to . . .do whatever it is he has to do. . .fails. Reluctantly she'll draw something up, but only if she's the one at the con. Ultimately, she'll be guiding the whole team, calling the shots for the men in the field. (I suspect they'll all have, like, a Samsung Galaxy taped to their heads so they can Skype back while they shoot people.) Of course, it'll be a power struggle, but working in tandem with Sly and the rest, she'll help guide the Expendables - ALL of the Expendables - to victory.

Who did I forget? Are there ladies from the '80s and '90s missing? Let me know in the comments below.

Check out 'Extra Butter, Please' taking on 'The Expendables':

Come back every Thursday for more intergalactic musings on Planet Fanboy and follow its fearless leader Jordan Hoffman on Twitter!

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