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Plan the Perfect Fanboy Halloween

Ultimate Pumpkin Stencils

We celebrate all the major holidays here on Planet Fanboy. Arbor Day, St. Swithun's Day, National Talk Like An Insurance Salesman Day. But there's one day we love above all others. My birthday. But Halloween is pretty cool, too. Below is a quick rundown on how to have a spectacularly nerdy All Hallows' Eve.

First, set the alarm super early. Like, we're talkin', 10:45 am or something. You're gonna' need the extra time because there's a big breakfast about to go down. You've got not one, not two, but THREE boxes of undead cereal to get through. We're speaking, of course, of Count Chocula, Boo Berry and, my favorite, Franken Berry. (Franken Berry is the best mostly because the dude on the box looks like Charles Nelson Reilly.)

After you've slurped down the last of of your straw-boo-chocolate milk, you have the option to invent a time machine and go back to the early 1980s and grab some of the foolishly discontinued Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute. He was a breakfast werewolf. You can look him up.

Now that you've had your vitamins and minerals it's time to go out and get some candy. (Here's where I'd like to remind you that the gravity is a little different here on Planet Fanboy, so we can totally eat like this and there are no repercussions.) Before we can demand Twixes (Twicies? Twixum?) we've got to do a little cosplay, but on Halloween cosplay is called “getting dressed up.”

The key is to take your favorite franchise – a movie, show, comic, video game or all of the above and to draw out an X and Y axis on a piece of graph paper. The X axis represents the awesomeness of a specific character. The Y axis represents how infrequently that character actually appears. You'll find the sweet spot, and that's what your costume will be.

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Or you can take a more lofty approach. You can dress as, say, the visual representation of a famous line or catchphrase. I tell ya, the time I dressed as a fix-it man with a patch that said “Singer” on my blues, hardly ANYONE could figure out I was dressed as “Make it Sew!”

Once you've donned a costume so obscure you risk complete social alienation, it is time to trick or treat and then to party. Hopefully you've been invited somewhere, because you don't just want to stand in the park and stare at girls in fishnets. (Note: if a girl is in an actual fishnet, call the coast guard, because she is liable to drown.) When you get to your party be sure to find the one dude who came without a costume and continually guess who he is. Even if he shows you his driver's license, insist that he looks nothing like himself.

Later in the evening it might be time for a little film fest. If you live in an apartment building with a security monitor, be sure to show that to everyone and let them know you have an advanced copy of the new “Paranormal Activity” film. You'll be surprised how many people say “aw, I've seen this one already!”

If folks really want to watch a flick I strongly endorse a horror film that blends in some comedy like “An American Werewolf in London” or “Drag Me To Hell” or “Zombieland” or “Dead Alive” or the original “Fright Night.” Sorry, I'm not making a dumb joke, I'm being serious. Have you ever watched one of these movies with a group of friends? It's a blast.

Eventually, the night will come to an end. Hopefully the sugar shock hasn't sent you in a diabetic coma. With any luck you'll get to walk someone home. Just beware the moon and stick to the road.

Come back every Thursday for more intergalactic musings on Planet Fanboy, and follow our its fearless leader Jordan Hoffman on Twitter!

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