My name is Ryan McKee, and I've been trapped in a closet. It's become cramped in here, so I'm kicking down the cardboard door and coming out. I'm walking upstairs and yelling it from the rooftop. I am a 30-year-old (male) Twi-Hard.
Please stop laughing at me. Thank you. Now I'll continue.
My girlfriend is the only person who knew. Yes, I have a live-in girlfriend. (And yes, she's human.) I don't live in my mother's basement. I don't hang Team Jacob posters on my wall, don't write Kristen Stewart kidnapping plots in blood, and don't wear red contact lenses to the grocery store.
I think I'm a pretty normal 30 year old. My girlfriend and I have a Chihuahua (not named after a "Twilight" reference) and we're both gainfully employed. I don't wear vampire teeth during sex, don't work at night, and don't sleep on crushed velvet. We talk about normal things: owning property, Obama, "Mad Men," lack of exercise, where our married friends disappeared to, and whoa, where the hell did our 20s go?
I'm as surprised as you are that I'm a Twi-Hard. I don't download Miley Cyrus songs or follow Ashton Kutcher on Twitter. I've never read an Anne Rice book nor paid much attention to horror films. I like "normal" things: Cormac McCarthy, football, "30 Rock"…
Why do I love "Twilight"? I love "Twilight" because it's something I shouldn't. The sparkly-vampire world is a break from my everyday world. The straightforward storylines -- where the most important decision is choosing vampire or werewolf and only evil and minor characters die -- make for pure, beautiful escapism.
But the greatest thing about "Twilight" is not "Twilight" books. It's not "Twilight" movies. It's the Twi-Hard world: engagement rings modeled on Bella's, panties with Edward's face, fan events across the country, Twilight condoms, felt wombs with a human/vampire mutant fetus, "Eclipse" Vitamin Water, Twilight cookbooks, documentaries on Forks, Washington… I can go on forever. And I will.
This new column will be your new source for the funniest and most-outrageous "Twilight" and Twi-hard stories. No source material so beautifully simplistic has ever spawned so much crazy merchandise and fanatical fandom. Every Wednesday, I'll dive headfirst into the oddly hilarious world spawned by a sweet Mormon woman from Utah (love you, Steph).
To give readers an idea of what to expect, here is my Twi-Hard bucket list: These are some of the things I hope to accomplish as NextMovie's resident (male) "Twilight" blogger, things that would then be documented in this column. Expect the list to be updated and changed as I go.
1. Give Stephenie Meyer a long hug (and secretly sniff her hair).
2. Give the girl who sewed the Bella felt womb a psych evaluation.
3. Go hunting in the woods of Forks, Washington. Kill something.
4. Chest bump Kellan Lutz.
5. Taste Kristen Stewart's loquat pie.
6. Challenge Bitten by Blogging to a Twi-Off.
7. Drink Tru Blood with Kristen Stewart & Dakota Fanning.
8. Visit Tantas Toys, the maker of The Vamp dildo.
9. Ask the cast a question at a Comic-Con panel. (And then scream after they answer it.)
10. Get both Victorias (Bryce Dallas Howard and Rachelle Lefevre) in the same room.
11. Become an honorary TwilightMOMS member.
12. Touch Robert Pattinson's hair.
13. Attend a "Twilight"-themed prom or wedding.
14. Eat chicken wings with Peter Facinelli.
15. Challenge a "Harry Potter" fan site writer to a slap fight.
16. See "Breaking Dawn" with Oprah.
17. Get 10,000 followers on Twitter (follow me here, fellow, Twi-Hards).
Check back here every Wednesday for a new "Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard" post.