"The Cabin in the Woods'" tagline "You think you know the story" is the best piece of cinematic sloganeering since that brilliant "Jaws 2" ad, "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water..."
The studio marketing folk are taking advantage of the fact that it is really, really hard to describe "The Cabin in the Woods" without giving away some of what's awesome about it.
However, I am happy to say that, thanks to some intensive study and preparation, I'm ready to explain just why "The Cabin in the Woods" is one of the coolest movies in ages...
Without spoiling anything that isn't already in the trailer.
Oh, and by the way? I whizzed in the water. It really wasn't safe. Movie advertising never lies.
Hottie Sleepover Party
Forget for a minute the killing and the twists and whatever oddball science fiction may or may not be lurking, we're gonna see Thor and two gorgeous women spend the weekend together. Yeah, there are two other dudes around, but since it is in the trailer we know for a fact there is swimming in this movie. And that means bathing suits. And (potentially more exciting) the changing into bathing suits.
Also, there will be relaxing by the fire in the evening, which means loose fitting sweatpants and maybe a T-shirt over long-johns which, as we all know, is 700 times sexier than any Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie.
Creatures Emerging From The Water
I don't care how many R.E.M. mixed tapes I made for girls in 1993, there's something creepy about night swimming. One of the images in "The Cabin in the Woods'" trailer is something torn directly from my nightmares, a being of some sort slowly rising out of dark waters. Yeah, ponds and rivers are romantic, but there are rarely murderous humanoid figures lurking in a clean, chlorinated swimming pool, thank you very much.
Eagles Flying Into Crazy-Ass Force Field
So clearly I don't know the story, just like the tagline says! Why would this bizarre sci-fi moment exist in a slasher picture, even a tongue-in-cheek meta-slasher picture a la "Evil Dead 2"? There is definitely something going on behind the scenes, and for some reason it involves birds of prey fried in the world's biggest bug zapper. Is this Cabin really on a reality TV stage? Or a spaceship's holodeck? Just what the heck is going on here?
Zings
Whatever's happening, it's gonna be funny. The schnozzeriffic Fran Kranz (an alum from "Cabin" co-writer Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse") has some impeccable timing toward the end of the trailer. I laugh every time he says "really?" when it is suggested they all split up. Apparently he's the only one of the group that's watched horror films before.
Whedon and co-writer/director Drew Goddard are no newcomers to bon mots, and despite all the crazy-ass killing and WTFness, there are an awful lot of good jokes in this film.
Josh Lyman and the Dad from "Step Brothers"
They aren't in the trailer, but a quick glance at the cast credits on the IMDB show that Bradley Whitford (gold medalist in Walk and Talk, Men's Division, 1999-2006) and Richard Jenkins (the That Guy! of all That Guy!s) are in "The Cabin in the Woods." And I'd really like to tell you what they're doing in it.
That, however, would be revealing too much. Trust me, no matter how many times you've watched the trailer, you only think you know the story.
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