BATTLE SCENE, MOTHA-F**KERS!
That's what "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2" is really about and what I'm most excited about after seeing the film. I don't want to raise Twi-hard expectations too high or spoil anything, but "Part 2" is the awesome pay-off for having to slog through the sickeningly over-romantic, then sickeningly drawn-out Bella pregnancy of "Part 1." It doesn't matter if you're a dude or a chick, a Twi-hard or a newborn, you're going to enjoy this fight scene.
In the spirit of the holidays, and since this will be my last Confessions of a Male Twi-hard column, I am going to give my readers a gift. Most of you, from those I've met and from those I've interacted with online, are heterosexual women. I know this because of the numerous comments about how you wish your husbands/boyfriends/fantasy lovers would also get into "Twilight" like me. Well, this is where I convince the man in your life to take you to see "Breaking Dawn – Part 2." Have him start reading … now.
Hey dude. Listen, I know you're already rolling your eyes because your lady pulled you away from watching sports/"Walking Dead"/"Mike & Molly" or fixing your muscle car/chainsaw/leaf blower, but I am about to do you a favor. And it's the best kind of favor, because your lady thinks it's actually a favor for her. Take her to see "Breaking Dawn – Part 2!"
Simmer down, hear me out and stop calling me homophobic slurs. I know you've been fighting against watching "The Twilight Saga" since 2008 and why would you give up now? Because you will actually enjoy it. Some of you have been suckered into taking her to previous "Twilight" films and you were bored. And some of you have successfully held out, and why would you jump in on a franchise at the end? Trust me, this move is a guy flick masked as a chick flick. Like most action movies, you don't really need to understand the plot or know the characters — just enjoy the cool sequences.
It's essentially an "X-Men" movie. They go around the world introducing different "mutants" with various powers. However, these mutants happen to be vampires. Just like in "X-Men," there are good guys with superpowers and bad guys with superpowers. The tension between the two sides builds to an epic final battle with superpowers going off everywhere. Are you interested yet? No, well, let me add in one more thing, werewolves! Big f**king Native-American werewolves that rip the heads of vampires. You're in now, right?
I will say there are two points in the film where you're going to need to be patient. First, in the beginning, when they introduce the baby, Renesmee (yeah, I know, stupid name), your lady will be cooing and you're going to be thinking, "Why did they CGI that baby's face so weird?" I don't know the answer, but it's not important, so sit tight. Second, after the battle scene, you're going to want to get out of the theater, because things get sappy. You have to hold tight and let her enjoy the finale. This is a big deal for her as a "Twilight" fan and it doesn't really take that long.
Afterward, I promise, she'll be so thankful and think she "owes you one." All you had to do was watch a cool superhero movie. It's a win-win. OK, now, you can stop reading and go back to being an awesome man.
OK, ladies, hopefully you're reading again now. I've never been good at saying good-byes, so I'll keep this short. Thanks so much for being such loyal readers. I hope I've made you laugh and made you look at "Twilight" a little differently. And don't worry, even though Male Twi-hard is ending, I'll always be with you … in your nightmares dressed as a Wolf Pack member with a Shake Weight.