"All destinations are final! That's what it means, destiny: final." - George Carlin
With its trademark wacky, Rube Goldberg-style deaths of random teens, the "Final Destination" series is near-revolutionary in horror terms. It did away with the boogiemen of Freddy and Jason, embracing the idea that some kids are simply supposed to die for our entertainment dollar.
And die they do, and continue doing so in "Final Destination 5," which holds some ace killings up its sleeve as people get mashed, smashed, fried, and diced beyond recognition as punishment for... well, we're not sure if there's a lesson anymore.
We do know they're fun as hell to watch, which is why we've gathered the top five best kills from the four previous entries to get your blood pumping for more. (Warning: These clips are most definitely not safe for work. If you're squeamish, look away.)
5. Hunt Goes Swimming - 'The Final Destination' (2009)
The fourth film in the series, optimistically entitled "The Final Destination" -- which has proved to be anything but -- had a tough act to follow after the previous three. While it gave us the most jaw-droppingly generic assortment of youngsters just begging for an ironic death, including that of Hunt Wynorski (Nick Zano), its filmmakers had to go to some deep wells for inspiration. This watery death scene is clearly a tip of the hat to "Fight Club" author Chuck Palahiuk's short story "Guts," easily the most disgusting thing ever written by a human being. While Hunt's death doesn't match that tale for sheer psycho-visceral insanity, it does provide a satisfying demise for one of filmdom's most dickish bros. So much for that lucky coin.
4. Billy by the Train Tracks - 'Final Destination' (2000)
The original "Final Destination" introduced audiences to the concept of teenage fatalism being taken super-literally. Seven high schoolers about to head to Paris decide to leave the plane when Alex (Devon Sawa) flips his s**t about a precognition of the plane blowing up. It actually happens, and as a result of cheating their manifest destiny, they all get bumped off one by one. Perhaps as a preemptive measure against future "Dukes of Hazzard" movies, Seann William Scott (playing against type as the dorky, uptight Billy), gets most of his head chopped off by a stray piece of sheet metal on the train tracks. Although not as crazy as some of the other deaths, this one wins points for its suddenness and the graphic cross-section of Scott's lower jaw. EWWW!
3. Lewis at Sultan's Gym - 'Final Destination 3' (2006)
We knew a lot of jocks were meatheads, but this one is deliciously accurate. In "Final Destination 3," cute-as-pie Mary Elizabeth Winstead is subjected to some hilarious trauma in the weight room. The return of original director James Wong was welcome, as was the tone upgrade that made the teen deaths more elaborate and cartoony, but we have to imagine Mary could barely contain her laughter trying to look horrified watching Lewis Romero (Texas Battle) lift more weight than he could handle. His "Baby, I just win!" would later inspire Charlie Sheen's catchphrase "winning," although Sheen has yet to flatten his own head in a state of maniacal hubris.
2. Ashley and Ashlyn Go Tanning - 'Final Destination 3' (2006)
"Final Destination 3" definitely has the most ridiculously over-the-top deaths in the series, so what is it about Ashley (Chelan Simmons) and Ashlyn (Crystal Lowe) that makes them so wonderfully die-able? Most people who don't live on the West Coast harbor a healthy disdain towards Valley Girl-types, so when these two airheads bite the bullet during a tanning session short circuited by their soda, they become two hunka-hunks of burning irony. Stealthy integration of bare breasts into this scene is the pièce de résistance. Two crispy coeds, comin' right up!
1. Kat and Rory Fall To Pieces - 'Final Destination 2' (2003)
Okay, so there have been many, many deaths in the "Final Destination" series, but only one stands head and shoulders above the rest... er, head and pieces of torso. "Final Destination 2" sets up the most crazy-clever two-for-one execution since the Rosenbergs, allowing Kat (Keegan Connor Tracy) to prove the sturdy reliability of airbags, which sets off the domino effect of a) lit cigarette meets b) line of petrol meets c) exploding news van meets d) barbed wire fence that ricochets into e) Rory (John Cherry). Guess this doomed young drug addict is finally at pieces with himself.
