People of Earth! So long have you spun there, quietly destroying yourself with greenhouse emissions and Go Large Whoppers. For eons, we have hoped to visit you! And this summer, many of my extra-terrestrial brothers, sisters and zblopnorgs are coming to raze your cities, destroy your culture and slurp up your natural resources.
Most of us were planning to go to Rigel IV this year, but it was that last HD simulcast of The Jonas Brothers Live at Six Flags that finally sold us. (Not just the catchy pop tunes, but the crowd reaction shots of people enjoying churros. On our world, doughnuts only exist in one shape!)
Think I'm fibbing? For four of your Earth months there will be a nonstop cinematic invasion of little green men. There's no way you won't be getting anally probed by at least one of these films.
Forgetting for a moment that "Thor" wisely side-stepped any theological issues by pitching Norse Gods as simply beings from some place in the sky called Asgard, why do you think Earth's Mightiest Heroes, "The Avengers," are Assembling? Just to appear on Slurpee cups?
No! They are defending you, puny Earthers, from an invading horde of Skrulls that aren't called Skrulls. They are the Ultimates variation of the Skrulls known as the Chitauri. Chitauri, in case you didn't know, are shapeshifters that come from the "Lower Fourth Dimension," which used to be a cool neighborhood but is now totally gentrified. And the excitement to see them get Hulk smashed transcends galaxies.
You never realized it, but all those late nights at your grandfather's kitchen table were spent in preparation for a full-on interstellar battle. (Note: Yahtzee is actually training to defend against hail, frogs and smiting of the first born.)
Peter Berg's tribute to naval heroes fending off leftover CGI from Michael Bay's cutting room floor is actually playing in Europe right now. So if you want to fly over and tell us how we aliens look in "Battleship," please do so.
'Men in Black 3'
The first MIB has the retro feel of your misguided, mid-century attitude that there was something "campy" or "fun" about an invasion from a distant star. My people are doing everything to combat this truly offensive belief, trust me.
This newest installment, set back in the 1960s (oh, your concepts of time travel are SO fourth dimension!) looks to be heavy on this antenna 'n' green skin approach, but also features some prime Big Willie Weekend jams!
Sorry, there are some us on my planet who won't be able to tell you much about "Prometheus" just yet. Even a galactic barrier can't protect from an accidental spoiler, and we're trying to go into Ridley Scott & Damon Lindelof's kinda-sorta prequel to "Alien" with as much of a tabula rasa as possible.
We saw a picture on the Internet of a close-up eyeball with some sort of moving, translucent, wormy contact lens and thought - no! - we're not looking at anything else til opening night!
'Seeking a Friend for the End of the World'
You may think that this funny-sad Steve Carell/Keira Knightley vehicle wouldn't have anything to do with aliens, but that's where you are so wrong. The plot kicks off with word of an asteroid aimed right at Earth. And whom do you think guided it on its course, eh? (And, if you've ever seen "The Andromeda Strain," who knows what little buggers will be on that thing, amirite?
This terrible Cillian Murphy/Sigourney Weaver/Robert DeNiro drama that angered up my blood at the Sundance Film Festival may or may not involve extra terrestrial lifeforms. You'll have to watch it yourself to find out how or why. I gotta tell ya, though, who ever green-lighted this "Red Lights" turkey surely has tastes that are NOT OF THIS EARTH.
This comedy, written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, directed by The Lonely Island's Akiva Schaffer and starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill and Richard "Next Big British Import" Ayoade seemed to have everything going for it . . .and then the phrase "neighborhood watch" became a little icky. . .
We hope you puny Earthlings will look beyond arbitrary associations with timely current events and feel outrage for a whole other reason - that this looks nowhere near as good as last year's overlooked "Attack the Block."
A hulking bodybuilder lives a life of a mild construction worker, but he yearns for an adventure on Mars. He goes to a memory implant facility and - oh, wait. . . that's not in this? No Mars? Ah. And you see why we're always blowing you up, right?
So until Summer 2013, I conclude by saying "MEEEEBBBBOOROOOORP ZMMMMMBBBR" - ech, excuse me, the cat just walked on my keyboard. Where was I? Ah, I conclude by saying "Keep watching the skies! But when that gets boring, go to a movie."
Come back every Thursday for more intergalactic musings on Planet Fanboy and follow its fearless leader Jordan Hoffman on Twitter!