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Happy 'Bling Ring' Day! Alexis Neiers Is Very Disappointed In You

If you live in New York City or Los Angeles, today is the day: "The Bling Ring" is finally here. (Sorry, rest of the country, you'll have to wait until next week for the movie to go wide, but until then you can content yourself with reviews and our wall-to-wall coverage.)

We're more obsessed with this story of teenage celebutante wannabes-turned-burglars than said teens were with, well, Paris Hilton. And they stole Paris Hilton's used underpinnings, so that says a lot about how into this we are.

Before writer-director Sofia Coppola, spawn of Hollywood royalty herself, perked up and turned the real-life story of Valley Girl (and guy) thieves into a feature film, there was Nancy Jo Sales' Vanity Fair article, "The Suspects Wore Louboutins," detailing the alleged crimes of real-life Bling Ringers Nick Prugo, Alexis Neiers, Rachel Lee and their friends. Concurrently, there was a work of artistic mastery even more immense than the long-form journalism: "Pretty Wild."

Though the (scripted!) E! reality show lasted only nine episodes, "Pretty Wild" should be cited as a miracle, a legitimate blessing plucked straight from the ratty nylon wig of post-meltdown Britney, or whatever deity watches over those US Weekly mess-of-the-day types. Here's proof that some acrylic-nailed higher power clearly resided over "Pretty Wild": The show was originally supposed to be centered around out-of-control party girls Alexis Neiers and her "sister" (not actually her sister) Tess Taylor. A wrench was thrown into that plan on the very day that filming began on the pilot, when Alexis was arrested for her crimes in relation to the Bling Ring.

COME ON.

Short-lived as it was, "Pretty Wild" brought us many delightful gems, both Bling Ring-related and not, like the above video, in which Alexis (who is portrayed by Emma Watson in Coppola's film) fake-cries her way through chewing out both journalist Sales (over the phone, for what she saw as misrepresentation in the VF article) and her former lingerie model mother (in person, for repeatedly interrupting her scripted phone call). It's art at its finest, people.

But then there are the slightly less dramatic moments documented on the show, such as Alexis' quiet revelation about her life's theme music:

alexis neiers gif1

alexis neiers gif2

Saaaaang it, sister. Here's a haiku we wrote about "Pretty Wild":

Alexis Neiers
Interests include: Pole dancing,
Paris, Ugg boots, pills

The story of the Bling Ring is totally engrossing in a nearly hypnotic way, like watching Paris Hilton say "ew" on an endless loop. We just can't seem to stop watching Alexis' tearful diatribe on repeat. So if you hear us screaming "29 DOLLARS!!" while dashing through Paris Hilton's house later today...well, now you know why.

Have a nice life, goodbye.

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