And with all the hype, the endless amounts of expert prognostications and snarky articles on movie websites, the Oscars are over in only three-and-a-half short hours. Well, not short, exactly.
Certainly longer than some other things with lots of hype (BOOM SEX JOKE) - but still, here we are.
The awards have been handed out, and it's time to review what we all just watched.
BEST: Seacrest Interviews Wallis
Early on the red carpet, when Ryan Seacrest was just wrapping up his tent and charcoal grill after having camped out at Hollywood and Highland since Thursday, he stuck a microphone in the face of the adorable Quvenzhane Wallis (pronounced "Had No Chance But Is Adorable So Academy Wanted Her There"), and while it was kind of tough for Seacrest to screw it up, the interview delivered.
Seacrest told Wallis that he knew well of her Disney Channel fandom (of course he did), and he promptly showed Wallis to a recorded message from her favorite Disney Channel star wishing her luck. Adorable, especially since Wallis is approximately 7,904 times more famous than this Disney Channel star (as evidenced by the fact that it was three minutes ago and I can't remember her name).
Also check out: 20 Megastars Snubbed By The Gold Man
BEST: Seth MacFarlane's Intro Joke
"And the quest to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh begins, now." Perfect. AND TLJ laughed. Score.
WORST: The "We Saw Your Boobs" Monologue Song
Everything MacFarlane does is at least inspired, but this one fell flat (OH NO HE DIDN'T). But credit where it's due: It DID cause me to google image "Jessica Chastain Lawless," albeit unsuccessfully.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: The Shatner Monologue Cameo
The whole "Seth MacFarlane Hosting Grade Retrospective" idea was solid, but Shatner's cameo, while welcomed initially, seemed awkward after the first seven hours.
BEST: Christoph Waltz's Supporting Actor Win
While it would have been nice to see De Niro or TLJ take home the Golden Eunuch, Waltz dominated a film with several fantastic performances, and of course, he delivers an eloquent, gracious speech. Waltz just seems like a guy who'd tell you how much he really loved your Christmas gift even if it was a $25 Amazon gift card that expired in 2006.
BEST: "Brave" Director Mark Andrews Wears a Kilt To Accept Award For Best Animated Feature
You don't get many chances on the Oscar stage - just ask Seth MacFarlane (HEYOOO). So you may as well be yourself when you're up there, and apparently, "Brave" director Mark Andrews rocks kilts. Good for him, and risky, especially if he lacks further support underneath.
BEST: The Oscar Speech From Vigo from "Ghostbusters 2"
Vigo from "Ghostbusters 2," or as he goes by these days, "Claudio Miranda," took home the award for Best Cinematography for "Life of Pi," and he was literally speechless due to nerves, which was charming for a guy who once tried to kill Bill Murray. Still, he didn't have many lines in "Ghostbusters 2," and this may have been why.
WORST: Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston Announce The Oscar For Best Costume Design At The Same Time
This is someone's Oscar, guys, not a Blockbuster Entertainment Award. Please, just agree on who's going to say the name backstage. You can't have much to talk about after "You married?" "Yes." "Cool I just got engaged." "Right."
BEST: The Way Halle Berry Said "Pussy Galore"
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: Shirley Bassey's "Goldfinger" Performance
It's not that she didn't kill it - she did - but the standing ovation from the crowd was definitely one of those, "You're standing? Oh, you're standing too? I was the first person who was going to stand, I swear to God!" types of standing ovations. Not her fault, but still.
WORST: The Fact That The Oscar Statues For Best Short Film Aren't Shorter Than Regular Oscar Statues
How fun would that be? This is worse than "Kramer vs. Kramer" over "Apocalypse Now," Oscar.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: Seth MacFarlane's Lincoln Joke
It was a wee bit unoriginal, but the "ooooo" from the crowd caused an "ooooo" from my living room.
BEST: Ben Affleck's Obvious Seething Hatred For Seth MacFarlane
How many times has Affleck been made fun of on "Family Guy"? I can think of this and this (in Spanish!) off the top of my head, but I imagine there's more, and even though we're Ben fans here at NextMovie, it's always funny. Sorry Ben.
BEST: The "Jaws" Music To Play People Off Stage
The cheery violins of years past always seemed somewhat disingenuous considering their purpose was to cut short the best moment of someone's life, so tip of the dorsal fin, Oscar directors. (Sorry.)
WORST: The Thoroughly Unnecessary Tribute to "Chicago," Even As Part of a Tribute to Musicals
"Chicago" won its Best Picture Oscar like, ten years ago. Most of the people in the room now were also in the room for its Oscar win. This was a giant waste of time (not unlike watching "Chicago"), other than for people to say "Wow, Michael Douglas remains one lucky son of a bitch."
WORST: Russell Crowe's Mood When Someone Told Him He Had To Sing One More Time
Some poor PA has to clean up a LOT of broken furniture in Mr. Crowe's dressing room tonight.
BEST: A Tie!
A tie! Even if it was for Sound Mixing.
BEST: When Vigo From "Ghostbusters 2" Showed Up Again For Best Sound Mixing For "Zero Dark Thirty"
Talk about multi-talented! Does this guy take a day off?
WORST: Whoever decided on Helen Hunt's "Best Supporting Actress" Clip
Like nine people saw "The Sessions," and now everyone but those nine people thinks it's about Helen Hunt talking about vaginas for two hours. And it might be. Who knows? Nine people saw "The Sessions."
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEST AND WORST: Anne Hathaway's Acceptance Speech
The speech was mostly gracious considering our expectations, but starting it with "It came true" pretty much undermined any attempts at full-fledged likability.
For out-talenting everyone in the room in less than three minutes.
WORST: Kristen Stewart's Bone Density
WORST: The Awkwardly Short Amount of Time The "In Memoriam" Montage Gives to Non-Actors
".........Ernest Borgnine..........Actor..........." "HalGiloolySoundMi" "..........Michael Clarke Duncan.......Actor.........." "DianeTurnerCostumeDesi."
WORST: The Weird Fascination By The Academy With "Chicago"
Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand! "I was a mere 73 when Chicago won its Best Picture Oscar." - Christopher Plummer.
BEST: The Quality of Cocaine That "Argo" Screenwriter Chris Terrio's Dealer Gives Him
Congratulations, Chris! Now take a deep breath and maybe see if he has any Xanax, too.
BEST: Quentin Tarantino's "Original Screenplay" Win
I thought it might be possible that "Django" was a little too dangerous to award any writing Oscars, and I'm glad I was very much mistaken.
BEST: The thought of Ang Lee Actually Having to Boss People Around
The "Life of Pi" director and Best Director winner seems simply too sweet a person to call actors out in front of hundreds of people and kick people off of his set. I smell a future documentary.
BEST: Quvenzhane Wallis Flexing Everytime Someone Said Her Name
I think we can all agree she should (will?) host the next 127 Oscar ceremonies, or at least the ones she's not nominated for. Side note: It would be great if she revealed that she flexes not out of pride in her performance in "Beasts of the Southern Wild," but because she can curl 55 lb weights.
WORST: Meryl Streep Choosing Not To Open the "Best Actor" Envelope On Camera
So I guess Meryl Streep just decides who wins Oscars now? I'm not complaining - I mean, she's probably earned that honor, if anyone - but I didn't hear anything about it and was surprised.
BEST: Daniel Day-Lewis's Best Actor Acceptance Speech
Hard to knock the speech out of the park three times, but then, it's hard to win three Oscars.
BEST: Surprise FLOTUS Appearance
There's never a bad time for Michelle Obama to remind us all that she could kick each and every one of our asses.
BEST: The Completion of the Ben Affleck Redemption Tour
This was the dude in "Gigli" less than a decade ago, and now he's probably the most coveted director in Hollywood. Awesome. In other news, now I know why there was so much focus on "Chicago" from the Academy tonight - to remind Affleck what 2002 was like to keep him grounded in victory. Still not forgivable, Academy, but I get it. I get it.
And just for fun, here's GWAR reviewing "Lincoln."