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Planet Fanboy: The Year in Preview

Man of Steel Warner Bros.

And so it was that the Planet Fanboy completed another revolution around its spherical gaseous furnace called "Sol" (short for Solomon) and, behold, there was another year.

It was a good one, this 2012, but 2013 looks like it might have it beat. Why's that, you ask? Because a new falafel guy just opened up a block from me. You think I'm jesting, but you haven't tasted his garlic tahini habibi sauce. Also: there are some dynamite Fanboy film properties coming down the pike. Here are the ones that, should you even consider not seeing on opening night, you'd best charter the first available shuttle to Planet Poseur.

"G.I. Joe Retaliation" (March 29)
In this new one Cobra has taken over the White House and The Rock is playing Roadblock. Yeah, Rachel Nichols' Scarlett isn't here, but Elodie Yung is Jinx. And she's flying off the side of a cliff with Snake Eyes in the trailer. (As well as wearing tight yellow pants.) Yeah, this is going to be a blast.

 

Iron Man 3 Marvel Studios

"Iron Man 3" (May 3)
With the build-up to "Avengers" out of the way, all the stray scenes in the Marvel movies that came out of left field will be put aside. "Iron Man 3" will be free to focus on what we love: Tony Stark being cool and zooming around the sky with crazy-ass technology. Ben Kingsley as Mandarin could potentially be the best villain yet and there's even a solid rumor The Wasp will show up. Damn, didn't I just say that "Iron Man 3" was going to be great because we weren't going to putz around with crossover stuff? Oh, comics continuity, I wish I could quit you!

"Star Trek Into Darkness" (May 17)
It took us a minute to accept that there won't be a colon in the title, but once we got over that and the first images and nine-minute IMAX footage bubbled up, the matter-antimatter in our intermix chamber began to process the right amount of dilithium. In other words, we are stoked to let J.J. Abrams and company warp us to wherever he, Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty, Sulu, Uhura, Chekov and "John Harrison" have in mind. If they happen to feel the need to implode another beloved planet, let's hope it's Tellar Prime. We never did like those guys.

"Man of Steel" (June 14)
Perhaps you've heard of this orphan from Krypton? The white whale of superhero properties is back on the big screen and he's lookin' pretty serious. It isn't just his costume that's darker than the regrettable 2003 Bryan Singer version. With director Zack Snyder and producer Christopher Nolan you can expect a lot of heavy moods and eye-popping action. This is, right now, the biggest question mark of the year and the film with the most at stake. The 2009 "Star Trek" was great enough that if the follow-up stumbles, it still doesn't mean death to the franchise. But if "Man of Steel" blows, well, Zod only knows what will happen to "Justice League" and DC's other film plans.

Pacific Rim Warner Bros.

"Pacific Rim" (July 12)
We figured we'd stick only to known properties for this list, but then we realized that was being a tad close-minded. Guillermo Del Toro's giant robots vs. monsters has the potential to be the next big thing, anyway, if the teasers we've seen (and heard!) so far are any indication. Idris Elba inside a humongous mech bashing oceanic beasts? Yeah, we're ready to get behind that.

"The Wolverine" (July 26)
He sings, he dances, he has adamantium blades extruding from his knuckles. Hugh Jackman is the greatest movie star on Earth right now and while the last "Wolverine" was merely good-not-great we've got big expectations here. James Mangold is a solid director and this time the action is in Japan riffing off Claremont & Miller's run from the early 1980s. "The Wolverine" will be nothing to snikt at!

"300: Rise of an Empire" (August 2)
Zack Snyder's "300" is a masterpiece. You know it and I know it. Anyone who says differently is an idiot or wasn't drunk like we were when we saw it. Newcomer Noam Murro is directing and if you poke around YouTube you'll see he made some pretty cool commercials for video games. Also, Eva Green is in it and something tells me she and her eyebrows will have many moments where she shouts quotable phrases down to hordes of tiny computer generated warriors who are going to cheer in response. It is going to be awesome.

"Elysium" (Aug 9)
Another new property, this one from "District 9's" Neill Blomkamp, and it looks a bit like Larry Niven's "Ringworld" meets "John Q." So it has that going for it.

"Thor: The Dark World" (November 8)
The interplay between Thor and Jane Foster is, in my opinion, the only human relationship in the entire Marvel series that actually has any spark. (Ironic, because Thor isn't human!) Anyway, it's not like I'm saying I'm looking forward to this just because of the kissy scenes, but because I actually care a little bit about these characters. Plus I want to see Malekith the Accursed and the Dark Elves of Svartalfheim. More than you could ever possibly imagine.

"The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug" (December 13)
Back so soon? I'm sure by next December we'll be happy to see these guys again.

What about YOU, dear reader? Which film are you most stoked for?

Come back every Thursday for more intergalactic musings on Planet Fanboy, and follow our its fearless leader Jordan Hoffman on Twitter!

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